Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 82)

The scene: Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s new van. Well, new for Marc. This thing has really seen better days. In any event, Doktor Zymm is behind the wheel, although she’s not driving. She’s actually on her phone. Ballsofsteelandfury is asleep in the passenger seat, and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van and Covalent Blonde are asleep in the back seat. A flock of seagulls can be seen out of the front win-

No, no. That’s not what I…

OK,  fine. Here.

Ballsofsteelandfury (waking up): Whoa, I feel like I’m at my junior high Sadie Hawkins dance.

Covalent Blonde (also waking up): Hey, what the hell, Zymm? Shouldn’t you be, y’know, driving?

Doktor Zymm: Nein, nein. It ist fine.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (waking up): Whoa! Hey, Zymm, did you make my van self-driving?

Doktor Zymm: Nein, I…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Because that would be, like, awesome, man! I could, like, be blazing away and, like, not even have to mess with the steering wheel and those pedal-thingies…

Covalent Blonde: You mean the accelerator and the brake?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Yeah, man! I could just be cruisin’ down the road, blasting Pearl Jam and hittin’ the bong…

Ballsofsteelandfury: That’s pretty much what you do anyway, Marc.

Covalent Blonde (looking out the window): Huh. Hey, Zymm…are we flying?

Ballsofsteelandfury and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van look out the window to see the Pacific Ocean a few hundred yards below.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa! Dude, like, I have a flying van now!

Doktor Zymm: Nein. Ve are not flying. Ve are being carried by ein helicopter. I called Steve ze Ninja und told him ve needed a ride to mein island.

Covalent Blonde: Your island?

Doktor Zymm: Ja, vell, it vas Perzival’s, but since I defeated him it only zeems fair zat I take his island.

Covalent Blonde: You defeated him? I don’t remember you up there on the moon, beating space ninja ass.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, true. I vas instead buying out ze shell company zat ze island vas held under und transferring ze ownership papers.

Ballsofsteelandfury (looking around): Hey, where’s Moosemas Gorilla?

Doktor Zymm: On ze roof. He vanted a better view for ze trip.

Moosemas Gorilla’s furry face appears upside down in the front windshield. He has a yuuuge grin and waves a fuzzy paw.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (climbing over Ballsofsteelandfury): Whoa! Me, too, dude! I wanna better view, too, man!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van crawls over Ballsofsteelandfury and out the passenger window. He starts to slip but a large furry arm grabs him and hauls him up onto the roof of the van.

Ballsofsteelandfury: So why are we heading to this island anyway?

Doktor Zymm: Because I have need of a Dimensional Energy Retrieval Portal. Ven ve vere on ze island, I noticed zat Perzy had vone. It vill be of great use in retrieving Horatio, Fozz und ze Man in Plaid’s head.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Yeah. Nothing will go wrong with us mucking around in other dimensions.

Covalent Blonde: Aw, cheer up. I’ll protect you. Hey, Zymm, who’re you calling, anyway?

Doktor Zymm: Ze clubhouse. I vas thinking DTZM vould be back by now, but no vone ist answering…

Cut to: The DFO clubhouse, where Litre Cola and The Maestro are now hanging upside down over a large plexiglass tank next to Unsurprised. Future Clone Debbie Harry is currently filling the tank with salt water from a large hose.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Oh, bother. This is going to take all day. If I could find that stupid lackey of mine…

Litre Cola: Don’t hurry on our account, eh?

The Maestro: Sure. We can hang here all day if you need to go out or something.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Why, you two are so polite! Not at all like this one.

Future Clone Debbie Harry nods at Unsurprised, who sticks his tongue out at her.

The Maestro: Hey, did you want to go look for this lackey of yours?

Litre Cola: Yeah, there’s an idea, eh? This would probably go a lot better if he was around to help.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Well…

The Maestro: Sure, and you still have to go find piranha.

Litre Cola: And then work them into a feeding frenzy. That’s got to be time-consuming, eh?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: How do I know that you won’t try to escape?

The Maestro: From these ropes? You tied us up tight, eh?

Litre Cola: Yeah, who do we look like? Dean Gunnarson?

Unsurprised: Who?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Why, the famous Canadian escape artist, of course!

The Maestro: Yeah, everyone knows that, eh?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Look, I really could use my lackey’s help. So if you promise not to escape…

Litre Cola: Oh, sure. We’ll wait right here for ya, eh?

Future Clone Debbie Harry (leaving the clubhouse): All right, then. You three just stay there and I’ll be back in no time at all to torment you!

The Maestro: Sure, take your time, eh?

Future Clone Debbie Harry leaves. Moments later there’s the sound of a motorcycle firing up, and then the sound of it driving off.

The Maestro (to Litre Cola): I think she took your bike.

Litre Cola: I hope she notices it needs gas. I wouldn’t want her to get stranded out there.

Unsurprised: Right. Because we wouldn’t want the psycho who wants to feed us to a tank full of killer fish to be inconvenienced. Look, now that she’s gone, can we try to get free?

The Maestro: Oh, sure. We’re polite, not stupid.

As the three struggle to get free, there’s a knock on the door.

The Maestro (calling out): Just come in, eh! We’re a bit tied up here.

Liter Cola: That’s jokes!

The knocking resumes, and more insistent this time.

Unsurprised (yelling): Look, dickhead, just open the damn door!

The knocking stops.

The Maestro: Maybe you scared them off…?

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

In the open doorway stands…the Angry Girl Scout! She is eerily backlit, and smoke wafts menacingly around her.

Angry Girl Scout: Guess who’s back…!!!

To be continued…