Meanwhile, in the Wrong Place, at the Wrong Time…

INT. CLUTCH BAR – 11:43 PM, JULY 16, 2017 

We open the scene inside a bar in Dallas, where numerous patrons of questionable character are skulking about. There are a series of slouching drunks at the bar, pretending to take an interest in the Rangers game that is broadcast on a pair of television sets above the half-empty bottles of bourbon that line the back shelf. A pair of men dressed almost exclusively in denim are shooting a game of pool using cue sticks that have been warped practically beyond usability in the bar’s dank air. We join our protagonist and a very drunk BAR PATRON in the midst of a spirited discussion, as a BARTENDER tries to mediate.

BAR PATRON: …but the best one was Pitt the Elder.

EZEKIEL ELLIOTT: All right, man, if you say so.

BAR PATRON: What, you don’t think he was?

EZEKIEL ELLIOTT: Man, I didn’t even know England had a prime minister. Don’t they have a king or some shit?

BARTENDER: They have both.

EZEKIEL ELLIOTT: Well, whatever. [to BARTENDER] Can I get another Shiner Bock?

BARTENDER: [turns away and begins pouring the beer]

BAR PATRON: [slurs] You wanna take this outside?

EZEKIEL ELLIOTT: For what? To fight? Don’t be ridiculous. I ain’t got nothin’ to do with you, man. [begins to turn away]

BAR PATRON: [tilts his head back, closes his eyes, beckons] Come on, you lily-livered coward. Gimme yer best shot. [hiccups] See what happens.

EZEKIEL ELLIOTT: [firmly] I said I’m done with you, bro.

As EZEKIEL ELLIOTT turns away from the man, one of the men at the pool table tries for a long bank shot and strikes the cue ball with all his might. The bent cue glances off the bottom of the ball, and the ceramic orb leaps from the table. Its trajectory carries it across the room towards the pair of men, where it strikes the BAR PATRON right in the nose. He clutches the broken cartilage and collapses, blood leaking through his hands and dripping down his unshaven face and onto the carpet of peanut shells on the floor. The cue ball, unseen by either man, bounces out of sight underneath the bar.

BAR PATRON: AAAAH! BY DOZE! YOU BROGE BY DOZE!

EZEKIEL ELLIOT: I…never touched you. [looks around wildly for confirmation] I never touched this guy! You all saw. Didn’t you?

POOL PLAYER: [shrugs]

BARTENDER: [calls the police]

EXT. DOWNTOWN COLUMBUS – 12:33 PM, JULY 22, 2016

A pair of police officers have EZEKIEL ELLIOTT backed against a concrete wall. Behind them is a parked vehicle, in which a young woman sits, glowering at EZEKIEL ELLIOTT. Another young man is sitting in the passenger seat, staring ahead grimly.

EZEKIEL ELLIOT: I keep telling you guys, I didn’t do anything!

RACIST COP: You sassin’ me, boy?

OTHER COP WHO IS PRETTY MUCH JUST AS RACIST AS THE FIRST ONE BUT HE DREW THE SHORT STRAW SO HE HAS TO PLAY GOOD COP THIS TIME: Listen, Zeke. I’m sure you you didn’t. But we got called out, which means we’ve got paperwork we’re gonna have to fill out or the captain is gonna be all over our asses. Listen, accidents happen. So if this was an accident, just tell us what you did here and we can let you be on your way.

EZEKIEL ELLIOT: I didn’t do anything!  I don’t even know this woman!

GOOD COP: Really? Cause that’s not what she’s been telling us, Zeke. You gotta level with us or we can’t help you.

BAD COP: [puffs up] She said you hit her, you piece of shit. She said you hit her.

GOOD COP: [sighs] She said she lives with you, Zeke. You’re telling us she made that up?

BAD COP: She said she lives with you, and she says you’ve been hitting her this whole fuckin’ time. You wanna explain that? [to GOOD COP] To hell with this, let’s just haul him downtown and let him think about it overnight. [to EZEKIEL ELLIOTT] We got a pair of guys in lockup right now, brothers, they run that mixed martial arts gym over on Norton, you know that place? They teach you how to do all that bone-breaking shit? That Mexican joobitsu?

GOOD COP: Brazilian.

BAD COP: Whatever, same thing. So these guys, they found out their sister’s husband was slappin’ her around and they beat him into a coma. You want to do a couple rounds with those fellas, see if maybe they can jog your memory by sunrise?

EZEKIEL ELLIOT: I am telling you, I have never met this woman before in my life.

GOOD COP: Okay, okay, maybe this is all just a big misunderstanding. But all we know right now is her side of the story. You gotta help us out, here, Zeke.

EZEKIEL ELLIOT: [points to the passenger] Ask him what happened.

BAD COP: He said he didn’t see shit. Is he your boy? He covering for you?

EZEKIEL ELLIOT: No! I don’t know him either! What about them? [gestures to some bystanders, a pair of older men and a young woman]

BAD COP: They said they didn’t see anything either. What’d you do, you pay them off? DID YOU PAY THEM OFF YOU LYIN’ SACK OF SHIT? WE GONNA HAVE TO RING YOU UP ON WITNESS TAMPERING TOO?

GOOD COP: [puts hand on partner’s shoulder] Okay, okay, easy. Zeke, just tell us what happened. All we know is that this woman’s got a red mark on her wrist, and she says it hurts, and she says it’s cause of you. You say there’s a logical explanation for it, that’s fine. Let’s hear it.

EZEKIEL ELLIOT: Well…all right…but you guys are never gonna believe me…

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – 4:01 PM, JUNE 9, 2016

EZEKIEL ELLIOTT sits alone at a conference table, waiting for a meeting to begin. His cellphone rings, and he answers.

AGENT: Zeke, buddy! You made it?

EZEKIEL ELLIOTT: Yeah. But I’m the only one here so far. Are you sure about this?

AGENT: Of course! Would I really waste your time like this if it wasn’t already a done deal?

EZEKIEL ELLIOTT: I just figured if we were gonna do something like this, it would be through the United Way.

AGENT: Aw, don’t sweat it, Zeke. It’s just twenty minutes of your time, and it’s the best PR you’ll ever get. Who doesn’t love kids?

EZEKIEL ELLIOTT: Okay…[hangs up phone]

— [door flies open] —

EZEKIEL ELLIOT: Wait a minute…

— [door flies open] —

EZEKIEL ELLIOT: Wait…

NATALIA VESELNITSKAYA: Доброе утро товарищ

RINAT AKHMETSHIN: Надеюсь, ты здоров?

NATALIA VESELNITSKAYA: Очень. Готовы ли вы сговориться, чтобы сорвать американские выборы?

RINAT AKHMETSHIN: [смеетсяДа, да!

EZEKIEL ELLIOT: I’m sorry, I must be in the wrong place.  I thought this meeting was about adoptions.

[fin]

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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[…] that’s all we have here.  If you take away all those other incidents like the time Zeke was defending himself from that drunk, he’s actually shown some pretty fine character for a bl…ossoming young man from what I […]

Enrico Pallazzo

One positive about OJ being set free is that it shows Zeke that any piece of shit RB can get out of prison before he dies.

blaxabbath

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litre_cola

Blax as you are aware this person makes me sooo angry. I hope he blows his fibula in training camp so he never gets a regular season start.

King Hippo

Oh snap, the Juice is loose? I shall make my Heisman pose in traffic and the grocery lineup all weekend then.

theeWeeBabySeamus

With knife in hand, I hope.

King Hippo

hey, the glove still don’t fit, chuh chuh

King Hippo

Also, perhaps he can go on The Amazing Race with Rae Carruth.

litre_cola

I love Rae carruth jokes.

King Hippo

they are totes fun

Bloody Lethal
litre_cola

Yep mine is weird too. Never seen this before.

nomonkeyfun

You also get information from the profile if you leave the pointer over the avatar. Litre is a sommelier, and tWBS is a huge fan of anything “Wolfpack”.

theeWeeBabySeamus

That actually is the avatar I’ve used for years elsewhere (NCSU site(s)).
Just never here, lol.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ha…suck it wordpress and gravatar.

litre_cola

Back to normal!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Testing to see which of my avatars comes up.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, that’s wrong. Hmmmmm….

blaxabbath

Is the like button gone?

Also, pictured: OTHER COP WHO IS PRETTY MUCH JUST AS RACIST AS THE FIRST ONE BUT HE DREW THE SHORT STRAW SO HE HAS TO PLAY GOOD COP THIS TIME

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Glad to see I’m justified in viewing the Cowboys in a similar light as the Trumps.

SonOfSpam

So, Russian lawyer…da or nyet?

King Hippo

yeah, I doubt she’d even move much. Might make ya fuck her through a sheet.

Don T

Da! She looks bossy.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

This whole post is suspect. I mean, sure, Wade Boggs is obviously going to be in a bar at any given moment, but unless that’s his 64th beer, there’s no way he’s slurring.

Unless, of course, Oil Can Boyd is recounting the story.