Request Line: Holding Out

INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY.

The PRODUCER is bustling outside the studio, getting everything ready for the show.  A mountainous man sits in the broadcast booth, with a vague smirk on his face.

PRODUCER: …and so you’re all set?

DONALD PENN: [punches talkback button] Absolutely.

PRODUCER: Fantastic.  The commercial break is wrapping up, so we’ll be live in five…four…[silently counts off the remainder and points with his index finger]

DONALD PENN: [crosses arms, leans back in chair]

PRODUCER: [gestures frantically]

DONALD PENN: [clamps mouth shut, shakes head]

PRODUCER: [punches a button with practiced ease, speaks into talkback microphone] Hi folks, welcome to Request Line.  We’re experiencing some technical difficulties, so please let Tom Petty keep you company while we get them sorted out.  We’ll be back in a minute with our NFL guest host.

PRODUCER: What the heck, Donald?  You got stage fright?

DONALD PENN: Stage fright? Hell no.  I’m holding out.

PRODUCER: Holding out?

DONALD PENN: That’s right, holding out.

PRODUCER: Holding out for what?

DONALD PENN: For more money, to start with.

PRODUCER: I…um…[thinking fast]…okay, how’s this? We’ll pay you 50% more than you were originally going to receive.

DONALD PENN: I want some incentives, too.

PRODUCER: Okay…how about if you get over seventy-five requests we’ll make it seventy-five percent.

DONALD PENN: One percent for each request over seventy-five.  So if I get 100 requests, I get 100%.

PRODUCER: So…double the amount of money we originally going to pay you to appear on this show?

DONALD PENN: That’s right.

PRODUCER: Wow, and I thought Russell Okung was a tough negotiator.  All right, all right, you’ve got all the leverage here.  It’s a deal.

DONALD PENN: And I want some coffee.

PRODUCER: [raises eyebrows] Can’t do it.

DONALD PENN: Song’s about to end, man.

PRODUCER: Shit, shit…all right.  One cup of coffee.

DONALD PENN: Two.

PRODUCER: Goddamnit, you’re KILLING me here.  All right, all right!  Two cups.

DONALD PENN: [smoothly breaks in as “The Waiting” is coming to a close] Hey there, folks.  I’m Donald Penn, left tackle of the Oakland Raiders, founding member of the Silver and Blackwatch, primary signatory of the Carr Insurance, here with another edition of Request Line.  Today’s theme is “Holding Out” – let’s have some request for songs about waiting, wanting something better, that kind of shit.  I’ll get us started with a song that came out just a year after I was born: “I’ll Wait” from Van Halen’s classic album 1984.  Give me a call – I promise I won’t make you sit on hold – and I’ll get your requests spinning.

PRODUCER: [slips into studio holding a cup of coffee and a document, which Penn promptly signs]

DONALD PENN: I never asked my agent – how was I originally getting for doing this?

PRODUCER: You know, I’m not sure what the exact number is.  After the show let’s give your agent a call and find out.