Latest posts by laserguru (see all)
- Holiday Shopping Guide. How to buy presents for the young ladies in your life – December 19, 2017
- STRAIGHT UP TRIPPIN IN L.A, YO! Boots on the Ground: Saints at Rams by DJ Taj – December 8, 2017
- Your “Uh-Oh, Company’s Coming” Saturday Evening Open Thread and NFL Broadcast Maps – November 18, 2017
How you may be asking does one become a
Saints fan in the first place?
(The sound of screeching brakes and then that annoying back up beeping) Lets go back in time shall we?
No one chooses to be a Saints fan, we are cast from birth, a kind of divine intervention, you think I wanted this? Being a Saints fan is kind of like being caught masturbating, terribly embarrassing.
Think about the worst actor ever, go on I’ll wait. You said Tom Cruise, excellent response and no it’s not Michael J Fox either but coming in close is that silly ass English lass that plays Arya Stark man does she suck! Good work class but the answer we already know is Charlton Heston. The biggest blow hard goofball ever. Did you see planet of the apes? Well this actor, if you will, played a quarterback in a movie in the early 70’s. I will not mention this horrible piece of celluloid by name for fear it may cause you, said reader irreparable harm, brain leaking out of your eyeballs and such. But this mindless drivel somehow spoke to my stupid 10 year old brain and forever cast me down with the other swine known as fans of the NFC south, shit what a fate.
Have you ever taken the time to break down this division? Stupidity running amuck. Let’s take a peak shall we? It’s OK we’ll do it together, should be safer that way. Lets start in Atlanta.
This hackneyed, dull as dishwater fathead is the best of the bunch, don’t you just love those nipples? He at least was hard to find a criminal record on but those nipples? Matty Ass indeed. Don’t you just want to kick him in his undercarriage? Thoughts like those make me the menace that I have become. Next were off to Carolina.
“Quarterback Cameron Newton was arrested and charged Friday with felony counts of burglary, larceny and obstruction of justice. Newton was suspended from the team. Newton, a sophomore, allegedly stole a laptop from a student worth $1,700 and threw it out of his dormitory window, according to a University police report”. What was that line from that Tom Hanks movie “Stupid is as stupid does” don’t you just want to throw a rotting pig bladder at that ridiculous hat?
The party train is just pulling up because oh kids we are off to the home, the actual core of stupid, it’s ground zero, that’s right Florida and the meth loving folks of Tampa Bay.
July 21, 2013: Winston is accused of entering a Burger King in Tallahassee and helping himself to soda from the fountain machine without paying for it. A restaurant employee later tells police she gave Winston a cup of water but that he poured the water out and helped himself to several cups of soda despite her objections.
April 29, 2014: Winston is accused of stealing $32.72 worth of crab legs from a Tallahassee supermarket. He is given a civil citation that allows him to perform community service and is suspended from the FSU baseball team until he completes that work. Winston tells police he “forgot” to pay for the crab legs and publicly apologizes.
Sept. 16, 2014: Winston is seen by several students jumping up on a table on campus and screaming a sexually charged expletive-laced phrase that was made popular on the internet. FSU head football coach Jimbo Fisher suspends Winston for the first half of the team’s upcoming game. I think we all know and lets face it love the phrase that was used. There’s more folks, plenty. I stayed away from the rape and gun charges out of simple decorum. But as you can clearly see with your own eyes this is truly a stupid division.
Hey fat boy, what about New Orleans? You promised. You ever have swamp ass? Not just sweaty undies but an actual butthole tinged with redness? You know the birth place of butt paste?
What city in America do you go to to drink yourself stupid? Sure lots of cities serve alcohol but the city where you go to get and stay shitfaced stupid the entire time (yes Vegas is a good answer so stop it) you’re there? Should I say it for you? And what the fuck is a “Beignet?” I’ll tell you what it is, it’s a ball of lard covered in grease and then rolled in heroin. Jesus who comes up with this crap and a better question even drunk who eats that rubbish? Yes I have had one or two, leave me alone. You know I’m fat.
Wait this was supposed to be a preview of the upcoming season not a journey down my incomprehensible platitudinous. Sorry.
The Saints secondary is legendary in it’s awfulness. What team has given up the most plays of 25 plus yards in the last 4 years? Hell when I was researching this garbage it was more like 8 of the last 10. Are you fecking kidding me here?
Linebacking core is such a joke that we (yes I said “we.” I have given this team enough money (jerseys, hats, gear and tickets hell I’ve got tickets to see them play the Rams in November) to feel that I am indeed a we.) Felt an upgrade was in order so who did they bring in you ask?
Really? Really? Plays more like a Boyti than a Manti but I don’t care who he humps, just punch somebody in the damn face. The defensive line couldn’t generate a pass rush using a truck.
How do you become the worst defense in football? It’s easy just have the Nancy boys who work at the NFL hear your D-coordinator tell the truth. Some unlickable ass crack was doing a documentary on ALS victim and all around good guy, slash (remember the punt return first game back in thunder dome after Katrina?) hero, Steve Gleason, when this sissy overhears Greg Williams use the now unfortunate phraseology “Kill the head and the body will die”on a recording he secretly made that he was not authorized to hear. Sissypants turns it over to some other non-football fan and the wrecking ball starts swinging. Everybody remembers the suspensions and fines and ultimately the taking by the league of our coach who will never be allowed to coach in New Orleans again. Why? because of the so called “Bounty Gate” every job in the world including (unless your stupid enough to work at a bowling alley) yours truly has an incentive program, perform well get a bonus, perform poorly out on your ass. So to act shocked “Oh the humanity” that players get paid to perform.? Lord above may it not be so.
The year following the suspensions the defense fell from number 8 to number 16 and the fall continues. Four of the last 6 years D.F.L. dead last? because someone who knows nothing of football said they were just so mean, so gosh darn mean. The NFL put their foot on the collective Saints world and refuses to let up. Have you seen how fierce the Rams defense is? And just watch this season now that Williams is in Cleveland they will be as tough as your grandma’s pussy.
The offense however is formidable, adding an old man like Adrian Peterson to the mix. Will it help or will he die on the field like old Chuck Heston did? No he didn’t, I made that up. See we already have a running back who is not good at catching the ball in the flat so to add another one who is equally dismal makes no sense, but Drew (hear that heavenly music playing in the background just the mention of his sacred name and harps begin to play) and the receivers and Payton’s big brain, ah who am I shittin?
Too many holes to fill and I don’t see Jesus Christ riding in on a silver horse
Hey I don’t think that’s a horse,
to put out the dumpster fire that this organization has become. I have a buddy, also a sorry ass member of the “Who Dat Nation” that has been calling for Sean Payton’s head for years. Sadly I am seeing that in the future myself. Maybe it is time for a change.
Please dear God, don’t let Drew die a terrible death next to “All Day” Amen.
All right, all right I’ll do some proselytizing. If things improve on the defensive side of the ball even a little we all know the offense will kick anybody’s ass who wants the ultimate challenge of trying to stop them. Barring injuries I can see them winning 8 games maybe. Oh prairie muffins, they’ll probably lose 10 games.
Even as the NFL is getting worse and harder to watch year after year “Hey don’t tackle him, tickle him” and God forbid you ever say you miss the violence that the game has removed, I am still powerless to stop my mania. You will still find me sitting on my sofa, beer in one hand bag of fried pork (spicy if you please) skins in the other wearing a ratty old Ricky Williams (stop laughing at me it’s not nice to make fun of the stupid) jersey flying off into a murderous rage after any call I perceive to be wrong. Swearing and babbling incoherently at the television in full voice.
I used to love this game, not so sure anymore. As “Yeah Right” said to me recently when we sat down to watch the Hall of Fame game (Yes the Cowboys/Cardinals) “We watch the uniforms”. We don’t care who is under the helmet. It could be you or me or some drug fueled rabbit and we would still watch. It has that strong of a hold on us.
Rabbits in helmets pumped up on steroids just beating the hell out of each other I’m just saying.
As I look down at my arm and see a tattoo of a fleur de lis (well a corporate logo now and yes I got it the Wednesday following the Super Bowl) I wonder how did this league grab complete control of the sports (fuck soccer) world? I am powerless. I will gladly sit down and watch Cleveland play San Francisco (God I hate the 40 whiners) and will not stop until it’s over. What is this madness? The Cheerleaders, the beer, the awesome foods, hi def, what? What is it? Is it the face of God or is it Satan’s hand from hell?
I have done all of you a favor. I sold my soul to the devil to speed up time so it’s opening day even sooner. You’re welcome.
We open this year on the road in Minnesota. Time to bloody up Teddy’s nose if he’s healthy enough. Of course if he’s not little Sammy’s blood is just as red and delicious.
I found some of this to be delightfully entertaining while other parts I found absurdly inane. Enjoy.
If I offended any of you nipple lovers, or fans of rabbits or the good meth heads of Tampa I apologize.
DJ TAJ saying “Le se le bon ton roulette!”