Latest posts by laserguru (see all)
- Holiday Shopping Guide. How to buy presents for the young ladies in your life – December 19, 2017
- STRAIGHT UP TRIPPIN IN L.A, YO! Boots on the Ground: Saints at Rams by DJ Taj – December 8, 2017
- Your “Uh-Oh, Company’s Coming” Saturday Evening Open Thread and NFL Broadcast Maps – November 18, 2017
Banner image via MMQB.com
Voiceover by the Ghost of John Facenda: “October 16th 2016. The Minnesota Vikings enter their bye week with a record of 5-0. Built on the strength of a furious defense and a ball control offense, the Vikings surge to the top of every prognosticators Power Rankings and the future is in their hands.”
Exterior of Coach Zimmer’s house where a small party is taking place. The barbecue is lit, the beers are cold and Coach is enjoying the moment.
Coach Zimmer: “Well, Maria, I’ve got to tell you I didn’t see us being this successful heading into the bye given what happened to Teddy.”
Maria: “I know Coach! That Sam Bradford signing is looking pretty smart right now.”
CZ: “You know I’ve really got to hand it to old ‘High Beam’ he’s really taking care of business. Sure is nice to take a week off and just relax. Where are the boys Maria?”
Maria: “There’s Mr. Winkles. He’s tormenting your neighbors cat again.”
Mr. Winkles: “SNARLGNASHCHOMPCHOMPSNARL.”
CZ: “Goddammit Mr. Winkles! Leave that fucking cat alone. You’ve already eaten 3 of their cats and I’m tired of fucking apologizing!”
Mr Winkles slouches away from the cat and lies down at Coaches feet.
CZ: “Good boy. I don’t see Beansie anywhere. Where did he get off to?”
Maria: “It’s a surprise Coach. We wanted to show you something. While you were busy at the office, I bought a kite for Beansie and I’ve even taught him how to fly it! Look! There he is!”
CZ: “Well isn’t that the most goddamn adorable thing ever! Look at him, he looks like a real boy. That’s wonderful Maria.”
Maria: “Thank you Coach. I knew you wouldn’t mind.”
CZ: “Oh shit I better check the grill. Those steaks are smelling really good.”
Coach heads over to tend the grill with Maria following.
CZ: “You know what we need? Some music! I know just the thing too. Beansie loves The Ramones.”
Coach turns on a boom box.
As Coach tends to the steaks, Maria walks back to the house. Beansie is unattended and begins wandering away. He’s paying too much attention to the kite and not to his surroundings. He is heading too far away and getting dangerously close to the road.
CZ: while humming along to The Ramones “Oh man, these steaks look incredible. I can’t wait!”
Maria: exits the house with a bowl of potato salad and finally sees Beansie. “Beansie NO! Coach you need to go get him!”
CZ: “Beansie! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
FADE TO BLACK:
Voice of John Facenda: “While dealing with unspeakable tragedy Coach Zimmer attempts to keep things normal with the team. It does not go as planned. The Vikings stumble to the finish line losing 8 of their last 11 games. Despite setting an NFL record for completion percentage over the season the lack of offensive line protection dooms the Vikings passing game and never allows the running game to coalesce. It is a dismal start to the long offseason.”
Interior: Coach Zimmer’s basement. Coach is hard at work under a glaring light. His faithful Wolverine at his side.
CZ: “I’m going to need you at your best Mr. Winkles. We have our work cut out for us. Snap out of it!”
Mr. Winkles: “SNIFFWHIMPERSNIFFSNIFF.”
CZ: “I know Mr. Winkles I know. But I think we might be onto something this time. I think I figured out where we went wrong last time. The fucked up cemetery thing was a horrible idea.”
Coach and Mr. Winkles both give a huge shiver.
CZ: “Jesus, I’ll see that shit in my dreams. Help me attach these jumper cables. I think we’re pretty fucking close here.”
Mr. Winkles attaches the cables.
CZ: “Cross your fingers Mr. Winkles because here we go!”
Coach throws a massive red lever and sparks fly out from under the covered object on the work table.
Monkey: “Eek. Eek. Eek. Eek. Eek!”
CZ: “OH GODDAMMIT!”
FADE TO BLACK
GJF: “The Vikings attempted to reload their offensive line during the offseason with free agent additions of offensive tackles Riley Reiff and Mike Remmers. Latavius Murray was brought in to shore up the running game. More significant additions came by way of the draft. Second round pick Dalvin Cook has already seized control of the starting RB position and is considered a solid fantasy option as the Vikings look to be a run first team. Third round pick Pat Elflein is in the mix for the starting center position. Fourth round pick Jaleel Johnson adds some depth to an already solid DT rotation. defense appears to be the least of the Vikings concerns.”
Interior: Coach Zimmer’s basement lab. Another form lies under a sheet on the work table.
CZ: “I made a few adjustments to the transistor relays and the universal data chip. We weren’t that far off last time Mr. Winkles. Let’s give this another try. On 1…2…3…”
Coach activates the giant switch. A loud buzzing sound is heard while the lights brighten and then dim.
Beansienator: EEEK! EEEK! EEEEEEEEEEK!!
CZ: “MOTHERFUCKER! Look at that badass fucking monkey!”
Mr Winkles: “SNARLSNARLCHOMPGNASHSNARLSNARL!”
Beansie: “EEEK! EEEEK!”
CZ: “Goddamn he’s fucking loud. Mr. Winkles adjust the auto-output volume on his voice modulator.”
Mr. Winkles crawls under the work table and turns a dial.
Beansie: “Eeek! Eeek Eeeek!”
CZ: “That’s a hell of a lot better. He sounds as good as new. Let’s go ahead and cover up the remaining plate work on his face. We want him to look just like his old self.”
Coach and Mr. Winkles get back to work and carefully place the remaining skin graft over the exposed metal work on Beansie’s face.
CZ: “And there you go Beansie! As good as new!”
CZ: “There you are big guy! Welcome back! Take a gander at yourself in the mirror and see what you think.”
Beansie walks to the mirror and takes a look.
Beansie: “Sniff. Sniff eek.”
Beansie’s head slumps down.
CZ: “What? What’s wrong kid?”
Beansie points aggressively at his glowing right eye.
Beansie: “Eeek! Eeek!”
CZ: “I know Beans but I can’t cover up your solar powered, digital amplitude sensor. It’s the only way we don’t have to keep you plugged in. You don’t want to walk around with an extension cord coming out of your ass do you?”
Beansie: “Sniff. Eek.”
CZ: ” You know what Mr. Winkles? I think he feels like this makes him different. He doesn’t think he looks like the rest of the pet monkeys out there. I understand him but I can’t fix it. Hey! I’ve got an idea! What if we made it so he didn’t have to think he was the only one with a glowing red digital eye? That’s it!”
FADE TO BLACK
GJF: “The 2017 Vikings have what is projected as the 5th easiest strength of schedule. If Dalvin Cook turns in the projected results, the Vikings could have a return to a solid running game which eluded them in 2017. If 2016 first round pick Laquan Treadwell ever decides he wants to understand route concepts he could join a passing attack with Stephon Diggs and Adam Theilen and cause some trouble in the passing game. Defense remains the Vikings strength with Pro Bowl Caliber players at every level of the defense. Everything comes down to the efficacy and health of the offensive line. If they remain healthy and cohesive this has the making of a playoff caliber team. Otherwise a return to last year’s results aren’t too far away.
Interior: Coach Zimmer’s basement workshop.
CZ: “Hey Beansie boy! I want to show you something!”
Beansie and Mr Winkles approach Coach.
CZ: “I know there’s nothing I can do about your eye Beans but I had another idea. What if you didn’t feel so singled out? What if you weren’t alone?”
Beansie and Mr Winkles exchange puzzled looks.
CZ: “Look! We’re like a club! A very exclusive club! Hey Mr. Winkles! Want to join the Awesome Glowing Red Eye Club?”
Mr. Winkles sprints out of the room whimpering as he goes.
CZ: “So what do you think, Beansie boy?”
Beansie: “EEEK! Eeeek! Eeek!”
Beansie jumps happily into Coach’s arm for a big hug.
CZ: “Welcome home, boy!”
Prediction time! As the Ghost of John Facenda mentioned everything comes down to health and particularly the health of the offensive line. Granted pre-season results are not to be taken too seriously but after watching the first two pre-season games I was getting all sorts of flashbacks to last year. The defense is locked and loaded and I really like the Dalvin Cook addition. He looks like he has great receiving capabilities and is willing in pass protection. I have no fucking idea what Laquan Treadwell can be and I’m not sure he does either. The connection between “High Beam” and Theilen and Diggs looks solid though.
Going out on a limb and calling this season 10-6 and a wild card participant.
Massive props and thanks to our own Low Commander of the Super Soldiers for the insanely awesome photoshop help. Outstanding work as always Good Sir!
Related note: I’ve got 20 yard line field level seats at the new dojo to see the Vikings vs. Baltimore game on 10-22-17.
There will be a “boots on the ground!”