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Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

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How you managed to get a date with Debbi Jo Sopinsky is still a minor miracle, but you did! And now here you are, sitting at the Vista Vue drive-in, waiting for the double-feature to start. It’s going to go a lot better than your last date. I mean, it has to, right? Sure, Betty Lou McGinnon was great, but it was pretty embarrassing when you poured some bourbon in her soda, and then forgot and drank it yourself when you choked on that popcorn kernel. Betty Lou was really nice about it, though. She didn’t get mad when you barfed on her dress, and she even drove you home.

Of course in school on Monday she told you that if you ever tried to get a girl drunk again, she’d find out about it and tell her brothers to take you up to her uncle’s cat food cannery, and no one would ever see you again. But even then, she was really nice!

This time’ll be different, though. No more alcohol, just scary movies. And…hey, it’s beginning! And look at those credits…this should be a good one!

The scene: In the middle of the desert the Moosemobile sits next to an abandoned gas station. Next to the men’s room door stands Future Moose. He’s looking around at the vast swaths of empty desert and shaking his head.

Future Moose: This place sucks. I mean, I wish you could have waited until we got to civilization.

Señor Weaselo (from inside the men’s room): Sorry! Be done in a minute!

Future Moose: I’m surprised you’re still alive, really. After all that tequila you were drinking…

Señor Weaselo (coming out of the men’s room): OK, all yours.

Future Moose: Really not necessary. I convert all solid matter into a pure energy resource to power my backup systems.

Señor Weaselo: Umm..?

Future Moose: But maybe we should ask WCS. He might want to shake the snake before we head out again.

Future Moose opens the trunk of the Moosemobile. WCS holds up his hand to block the light of the full moon.

WCS: Whoa! Is it morning already?

Future Moose: You slept right through the morning, and the afternoon…are you sure you didn’t turn into a vampire back in Mexico?

WCS (climbing out of the trunk): I wish. Then maybe I wouldn’t be hung over. Where the hell are we, anyway?

Future Moose: No idea. In the middle of the desert somewhere. We kinda took a shortcut and ended up…here…

WCS: Ick. Well, we’ve seen the sights. Maybe we should be on our way…?

Señor Weaselo: Did you want to…y’know…first…

WCS walks over to the men’s room and peeks inside.

WCS: Christ! No! Good lord, who in their right mind would use that…that…

Señor Weaselo: It’s not that bad…

WCS: It looks like a grizzly bear had sex with a box of Twinkies in there…and then exploded!

Future Moose (to Señor Weaselo): What exactly did you do in there?

Señor Weaselo: Nothing! It was like that when I went in!

WCS: You were in there? Dude, do me a favor and keep your distance. I don’t want to catch anything that might turn my hypothetical future kids into deranged mutants.

Future Moose: Well…

WCS (worried): What?

Future Moose: Probably nothing. Nothing major. I mean, Dok’s the expert in this stuff.

WCS (really worried): Stuff? What kinda stuff? Bad stuff?!!

Future Moose: Not for me. Or Otto. Where is he, anyway…?

WCS (on the verge of panic): Who cares? We’re talking about me here! The only normal one in this group!

Señor Weaselo: Ahem.

WCS: You’re a luchador! You call that normal?

Señor Weaselo: In my family it is. My mother is a luchador, my brothers are luchadores

WCS: And your father is one of the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers!

Señor Weaselo (visibly wilting): Too mean!

Future Moose: Look, I’m picking up some weird radiation here, that’s all. It might be nothing.

WCS: Or it might turn me into a pile of toxic sludge!

Future Moose: I doubt it…

WCS: Oh, that’s comforting!

Future Moose: But just in case, we should probably…

The trio hear a scream cutting through the dark desert night.

Future Moose: That sounded like Otto! You two wait here. I’m going to go find him and then we can get out of here.

WCS: Or we could leave Otto to his probably well-deserved fate and beat feet while we still can!

Future Moose (ignoring WCS): I won’t be long. You guys just stay here and I’ll be back soon.

Future Moose moves off into the darkness, and is soon lost to sight.

Señor Weaselo: Shouldn’t we have gone with him?

WCS: Nah. He has a full-range sensor suite. It includes IR and night vision. He’ll move faster on his own.

Señor Weaselo: Your friend is…very strange…

There’s a noise nearby that startles both men. It sounds like someone is walking toward them.

Señor Weaselo (hopefully): Señor Moose…?

Several figures emerge from the darkness. They are disheveled and wearing tattered rags. They are also carrying eating utensils, drooling a bit, and looking at WCS and Señor Weaselo hungrily.

WCS: Not Moose…definitely not Moose…

Señor Weaselo: Just stay back…whoever you are…

The crowd moves forward, holding up their knives and forks and grinning, which reveals gnarled, yellow teeth.

Cannibal #1: Food!

Cannibal #2: Get ’em!

WCS (backing away quickly): Fuuuuuuu…

Cut to: Otto’s Brain. He is currently being wrestled over by two cannibals. One of them keeps stabbing at the globe with a fork, which has only resulted in a bent fork, while the other keeps licking it.

Licking Cannibal: Gimme! I saw him first!

Forking Cannibal: No! He’s mine!

Otto’s Brain: Let me go, you frickin’ psychos! I am nobody’s dinner!

Forking Cannibal: Shuddup, brain! I wanna eat ya, not conversate with ya!

Future Moose suddenly appears out of the darkness and grabs Otto’s Brain.

Future Moose (to Licking Cannibal): That’s disgusting! You don’t even know where he’s been!

Otto’s Brain: Moose! Boy, I’m glad to see you!

Forking Cannibal (lunging toward Future Moose): I guess we’ll have to eat you instead!

The Forking Cannibal plunges his fork into Future Moose’s chest. It just sticks there. The cannibal tries to pull it out again.

Forking Cannibal: Durn thing’s stuck…

Future Moose, with an irritated look, bonks Forking Cannibal on the head and then smacks Licking Cannibal with Otto’s Brain. Both cannibals fall unconscious into the dirt.

Otto’s Brain: A guy goes for a little roll and ends up on the menu. This place sucks!

Future Moose: Well, now that I’ve found you we can…

Suddenly a large figure emerges from the dark night, an axe raised high above her head.

Otto’s Brain: Moose! Look out!

Mama Cannibal (swinging the axe at Moose): You stay away from my boys!

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo
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Doesn’t licking often lead to forking? If you do it right?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus
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I wanna eat ya, not conversate with ya!

Oh if I had a nickel for every time I’ve said that.
Ah, good times.

Shogun Marcus
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I never heard that. Mostly because i was being choked out by thighs.

ballsofsteelandfury
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+1 Famke

nomonkeyfun
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She’s recently visited the art store where my friend works, twice.

No one on the group text had any clue about Goldeneye.

ballsofsteelandfury
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That’s embarrassing

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

-Jeffrey Dahmer

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