A New Look for Dannon

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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Operator:
 Dallas County Telephone Operator Extension Line Eight-Eight, how may I direct your call?….I see, yes sir, I believe he is expecting you….(Phone Clicks)…Alright, you are connected to the video conference line with Mr Prescott.

Cam Newton: Hey young buck, thanks for taking my call.


Dak Prescott: Oh yeah man! For MVP Cam Newton, anything man! So what’s up?

Newton: Frankly, I wanted to talk with you about this Dannon deal. I get that you’re only making about $500k from Dallas and all but, man, having Dannon taken by another black man is something that I had to speak up about.

Prescott: Taken? You were directly condescending to a female reporter. I don’t know if you’re familiar with the greater Dannon marketing strategy but women are a pretty big segment of their target audience.

Newton: That was just a rouse. A red herring. Dannon ran a Kansas City Shuffle. Dannon partners with the NFL, the league best associated with beating women. You think they care about women? They care about a black man peacefully holding his fist in the air after scoring a touchdown. Why? Because that’s threatening. Because a black man willing to voice his unhappiness with the system is what white women — who voted 53% for Trump — find offensive.

Prescott: Cam, we can’t begin to fight inequality and injustice until we put everyone on equal footing. There are no black rights without gay rights. There is no equal pay for black men without equal pay for white women. There are no religious protections without economic justice. When you, on the surface, laugh at a woman for talking sports then you may as well have been laughing at Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness. Or saying how funny it must have been to hear about Kenny Washington pounding the rock.

Newton: Look, I know it was dumb thing to say. But I didn’t lash out at her as woman; I lashed out at a joke of a sports media that is staffed by washed up male writers and never-was actresses. Just because they got a press pass that gives them the credentials to question our team of professionals? And they don’t even care about the answer; they’re gonna write up some hot take either way and, here’s the dirty little secret about the NFL fan: In the NFL, the customer ain’t always right.

Prescott: I think everyone’s been pretty fair to me.

Newton: That’s because they know Massa Jerry keeps you all on tight control. But you don’t gotta take this deal man. I’m not saying Dannon has to stand with me but — they’re fucking French, man — don’t let that eurotrash decide that some sports reporter’s feelings are more important than the treatment of black men in America. And that’s what this really boils down to — who has the right to critique black athletes; our coaches and football experts, or anyone with a laminate badge who has never been involved in the game?

Prescott: Look man, I see what you’re saying. But, bottom line, it’s a business. I won’t compromise my values but you know I can’t stand by someone who insults white women, Mr Jones will not be happy.

Newton: I get it, Dak. I appreciate you letting me say my peace. So what you up to tonight then?

Prescott: Just hanging with Zeke, I think.

Newton: Even after he beat up his girl like that? Then to fight it and call her a liar. How can we expect —

Prescott: Hey man, four games is a lot. Besides, I met her once. She had a big mouth and I was honestly about ready to shut it for her. Zeke let her off easy, know what I mean?

Cam: Alright man, thanks. Sounds like I got what I needed.

Prescott: Wait, were you recording what I —


 

 

One week later…
Hi, I’m Deshaun Watson. Join me this October in helping Dannon raise awareness for breast cancer. Find out how you can help on any Dannon brand yogurt product including Activia, Oikos, and DanActive Immune System Support! Dannon: it’s what’s inside!

blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

Awesome! The ending was perfect.

Horatio Cornblower
Member

“I lashed out at a joke of a sports media that is staffed by washed up male writers and never-was actresses.”

That was fucking beautiful.

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

While we’re on the subject of females and running routes, Activia makes you poop better according to Jamie Lee Curtis.

SonOfSpam
Member

Careful DeShaun…Malik Zaire is comin for you!

(j/k holy fuck Kevin Hogan lol you suck Malik!)

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Member

If women talking about routes is funny to Cam, then men talking about yogurt must be fucking hilarious.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

This was just terrific.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

What % of dannon customers will think that’s the same guy?

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Dannon ran a Kansas City Shuffle

*Insert obligatory joke about Andy Reid and BBQ here*

you know I can’t stand by someone who insults white women

Ha! Indeed, African-American men need to know their place when they are around white women. (Aside, but never forget that cunt is still alive, admitted she lied, and has not paid any price for her involvement in his murder.)

Game Time Decision
Member
Game Time Decision

that’s not yogurt

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

That’s bad.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

No shit.

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