Latest posts by laserguru (see all)
- Holiday Shopping Guide. How to buy presents for the young ladies in your life – December 19, 2017
- STRAIGHT UP TRIPPIN IN L.A, YO! Boots on the Ground: Saints at Rams by DJ Taj – December 8, 2017
- Your “Uh-Oh, Company’s Coming” Saturday Evening Open Thread and NFL Broadcast Maps – November 18, 2017
Hi, welcome back. Miss me? I am going to assume you said “Hell no.” So I sit down to watch my favorite thing in life, no not porn, time and place kids. That’s right the God Damn National Football League. I got my rally skins, I’m drunk, I’ve got my voodoo doll, the candle is lit, it’s game time and then Joe ass nugget Buck says something about a player not even in the league and some nonsense about our idiot president and taking a knee, what are you mumbling about? Shut up, I’m trying to watch the game and in that light I will not mention any of the political horse shit that’s going round.
Just what the hell is going on? How does a team go from the 32nd ranked defense overall in the league to 29th in just 2 weeks? I’ll tell you my friends, Sand, Strength, Determination, Iron will and above all else, unity. Just how stupid am I? I’m writing absolute utter lies. We have none of those things. We do however possess a few oddities including a two and two record having beaten the persistent misogynist that is Sir Cameron Newton at his own home. How’s that taste New York Football Giants? We would be remiss if we forgot that we also have…
Dear God in heaven we want him gone already. No more temper tantrums, no more back talk and no more trying to kill coach with your eyes. What was the Eddie Murphy movie where he yelled Get the F word out!!
Just for complete disclosure I would have used the original clip but there were far too many boobies in said clip, sincerest regrets.
In 4 short weeks the Saints have shown the world just exactly what is wrong with this team. What did we say earlier? Come on kids, what word did we use? Unity. Of which we have none. What do we have? Thanks for asking, someone fire up the game show music. First we have a coach with one foot in the grave
Second a very healthy and delicious looking Drew Breese, what a man. Alas I fear an M.C.L. explosion in his very near future unless he follows Eddie’s advice also. Did I mention that I hate Tom Petty? I know, untimely and “too soon”. I get it but when was the last time you heard “American Girl?” Made we want to tear my own ears off to make it stop, wait where was I? And lets not forget we have “Princess Leprechaun Pussy Peterson.”
(Made that name up myself, pretty smart aren’t I?) That guy is not worth a beer fart in a wind storm. How the hell did this happen? Didn’t this guy used to be good? Hey Mickey! I know (oh wait, for the uninitiated that’s Mickey Loomis Saints G.M.) you’re reading this. You need to know that it would be better for everyone involved to stop this problem. I don’t know a single Saints fan who wouldn’t trade him for a warm case of Abita Turbodog. Hell, I have an idea, what if we were to do it under the cover of night? We’ll pull a big truck right up to his locker, forget to leave the parking brake set by mistake (I think you did it on purpose) then we’ll sit in the corner waiting for All Day’s arrival at night. You can lure him with false promises of cheap drink and easy sex and when he arrives you push the truck backwards and it crashes through the wall swooping him and all of his worthless debris, “bang” right ( and just this once I don’t care if the door hits you on the ass on the way out) out the backdoor all the way to Green Bay!
You thought I was going to chop him up or something didn’t you?
The 29th ranked defense and the 8th best offense, where have I heard this before? (Last year and the year before and the year……) We have 12 games to go so should we be cliche or vulgar? You choose I’ll wait (leaning against a wall whistling American Girl realizing what I’m whistling then yelling “God Damn it, stupid song) what did you choose? I know what you chose you want something tawdry don’t you dirty girls and boys, we’ll get there my pretties and your little dog too. With games coming up against ( I did say we are in the NFC south, yes?) Detroit, Green Bay and Chicago could it be we are marching headfirst into another endless 7-9 campaign? Why does God hate us so? No flying cars and a shitty defense. Time for the naughty bits I promised earlier, right this way.
I was in a store (outside that store a homeless man walked up and asked me for money, I said sorry I have none and he called me a piece of shit, Jesus) and I’m grabbing my tomatoes when I hear a mom. I turn to look, I see her look lovingly into her prodigy’s eyes and say “What the fuck is wrong with you? Put that shit down you stupid little fucker!” The kid had to be 5 or 6 so it probably deserved it but damn Mom! My mom would have put a beat down (well with her bible in hand of course) on that moms ass for that crap. What kind of world is this? Is that OK to say to a kid? Am I’m just old?
Stay with me here, I think I know a way to make everything OK. Hear me out first. What if on every man, woman and child’s (wait that makes no sense) 12th birthday you receive your very own high powered (with bumper stalks included) rifle. Everybody is now heavily armed, picture it in your minds eye a 12 year old wielding a fully automatic 556. Jesus, that made my skin crawl, sadly that’s not far fetched at all. So I ordered the sizzling cock with cheese but found it to be too spicy. You know what’s really scary? Have you watched one of these games? How many flags can they throw? If you tried to show someone who had never seen this game they would hate it. Damn it I hate it and I love it. Maybe they should just shut it down. What was that you were saying about armed children?
Oh A heart warming photo of lil Taj Jr.
I think I may be too scared to go on with this freakshow called life. Thank Jesus my Cubbies are still kicking everybody’s ass.
Allow me to take a moment to apologize to all the leprechaun pussy lovers, the fans of Tom ( come on the Traveling Wilburys was rock solid I’ll give you that but Orbison and Dylan really made that record) Petty and to anybody who did not find (my first shot at a dick joke) the sizzling cock with cheese to be too spicy. Down the road I go whistling until next time fiends, be crazy.
D.J. TAJ saying Good Night Now!!
So what if it was written and sang by Tom Petty it’s Mudcrutch damn it. Now get out of my head. Was that laughter coming from behind you?