[digs his way past words ‘miraculous’, ‘letdown’, ‘poise’, ‘collapse’, ‘disappointment’, ‘validation’, ‘comeback’, ‘dynasty’, ‘believe’, etc.-breeches the surface]

[gasps for breath] Goddamn it! [brushes assorted superlatives off the front of his shirt] Some of those letters have some really sharp edges! Where the hell is the St. Bernard with the brandy, for Christ’s sake? I’ve been through hell!

First things first-thanks so much to bulbsofsteelandfurry and WeeBabyShamoo for holding the fort while I made my way back from The Big Smoke, which is a nickname for the city of Toronto and not a marijuana appreciation conference. If you ever run into one of those dudes, please give them a handjob-I’ll send you the fifty bucks after the completion of the act has been confirmed by a third party and notarized by a lawyer. As for the night’s entertainment, we must go… TO THE GAME!

FALCONS/PATS: The Pats have given up the most points by far in the AFC East. [stops] Atlanta needs this game and New England has a tendency to lose at home recently. [stops] Okay-this is a tilt featuring the likes of Tom Brady, Gronk, Chris Hogan, Brandin Cooks, Matt Ryan, Devonta Freeman, Tevin Coleman and Julio Jones. This is going to be a scoring free-for-all, folks. Seriously, are either one of these defenses going to stop the other side? If you bothered to scan that last sentence you were subconsciously shaking your head “no”. So let’s all just sit back and enjoy the touchdown cornucopia.

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