[digs his way past words ‘miraculous’, ‘letdown’, ‘poise’, ‘collapse’, ‘disappointment’, ‘validation’, ‘comeback’, ‘dynasty’, ‘believe’, etc.-breeches the surface]
[gasps for breath] Goddamn it! [brushes assorted superlatives off the front of his shirt] Some of those letters have some really sharp edges! Where the hell is the St. Bernard with the brandy, for Christ’s sake? I’ve been through hell!
First things first-thanks so much to bulbsofsteelandfurry and WeeBabyShamoo for holding the fort while I made my way back from The Big Smoke, which is a nickname for the city of Toronto and not a marijuana appreciation conference. If you ever run into one of those dudes, please give them a handjob-I’ll send you the fifty bucks after the completion of the act has been confirmed by a third party and notarized by a lawyer. As for the night’s entertainment, we must go… TO THE GAME!
FALCONS/PATS: The Pats have given up the most points by far in the AFC East. [stops] Atlanta needs this game and New England has a tendency to lose at home recently. [stops] Okay-this is a tilt featuring the likes of Tom Brady, Gronk, Chris Hogan, Brandin Cooks, Matt Ryan, Devonta Freeman, Tevin Coleman and Julio Jones. This is going to be a scoring free-for-all, folks. Seriously, are either one of these defenses going to stop the other side? If you bothered to scan that last sentence you were subconsciously shaking your head “no”. So let’s all just sit back and enjoy the touchdown cornucopia.
It’s important to share-do so below.
Tom Brady really moves well in the pocket when his o-line is holding the defense
So earlier today, some dude I never met before was bragging to me about how hot his girlfriend was and showing me a pic on his phone as if I gave a shit. I think I gave some vague response without agreeing, like “she seems fun.” (For what it’s worth, she was meh — not ugly, but big fake tits and trying to look younger than she is. But just on general principle I would have avoided agreeing with the guy.) Anyone got any good responses for that situation?
First question a sailor would always ask, “Is she a three-holer?”
“She looks like she likes it in the ass. Congrats!”
1) Before seeing her pic, ask her name
2).When you see her, claim your eskimo bros and ask if she does *insert the raunchiest thing you can think of*
3).Profit
I was thinking along the same lines.
I knew I could count on you guys.
“That second-hand mattress let you fuck her?”
I try not to be stereotypical Pats fan, but where earlier tonight I would have just been happy with a win, I now am hoping for a shutout. Even though I left Mass at age 3 in 1962, I guess there’s some genetic assholiness I will never be able to completely suppress or expunge.
It’s the same trait that brought you here.
Time to change your name to SPEEAHK FAWKIN AHHMERICAHN YOUAH FACKS
Unfortunately, after 40 years in San Antonio I have cultivated a lazy southern drawl that I only overcome when I think about it, but only temporarily bring back the Mass accent after visiting up home for a week or two. But when I try to consciously speak the lingo up there, I sound like a bad actor trying to talk that way.
Next week the Patriots have a home game against . . .
THE CHARGERS
God’s Angry Team
…the Wandering Jews of the NFL.
Wrestle Show was v good and it’s entirely thanks to viral meningitis decimating the top tier matches.
What if this was the gameplan for the Falcons all along? Give NE a 23 point lead and THEN come back on them?
Yes…it’s just crazy enough to work!!!
It worked for the Patriots.
The dreaded 23 point lead.
Hmmm. Maybe I should go buy groceries. I don’t think Jamal Andersson is walking through the door and making a comeback.
Just make sure you don’t get flashed when you go to the grocery store.
I see even God is tired of watching the Patriots win again so He summoned Fog Bowl II.
Yeah, but, He still has them well in control.
Also, sorry, but not that sorry, about today.
Ah. the Bengals did it to themselves.
Throwing it down low to the ground so the wideout doesn’t get killed. So that’s what Marriotta was doing the entire game today.
Patriots played the Falcons in the Superb Owl? Huh, you’d think they’d mention that more than once tonight.
To be fair, even the Falcons forgot in the third quarter.
Like how you’d think they would remark on how that Super Bowl in Detroit had Detroit native Jerome Bettis playing in it.
Replace Bourniston with the Patriots and this pretty well covers my feelings:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QXkEojNTMY
That was a dumb fucking Falcons call.
So WWE fans, what’s going on there. I used to be a massive fan, but I find they just run safe matches for everything, including PPVs. Jist became boring
Kurt ANgle took a running powerslam from Largest Adult Son through a table because why the fuck not
I barely ever watch wrestling, but I’m completely down with Shane-O Mac killing himself pretty much every year by jumping off of the cage in a Hell In A Cell match.
Y’all remember when the blindspot girl flipped her shit at FD Vince?
I thought it was Jezebel stanning for her.
Uh, no. What happened?
She was in Thor. Vince made fun of Kimmel for making her talk about her favorite comic books. She took it personally. Interpreted it as “girls can’t be nerds”. She went on G4 to talk about it. It was a thing.
Back in 2010-11, she was on Kimmel promoting one of the Thor movies and mentioned that she was a geek girl who liked Star Wars and Spider-Man. The usual pandering bullshit. Vince made a crack about it on Filmdrunk calling it out as pandering, especially since SW has been a cultural touchstone and a billion-dollar property for two generations and there were already like five Spider-Man movies by then. It’s all nerd-cred shit and insane nonsense by assholes who should know better except that it’s their jobs to be outraged (e.g. Jezebel and the entire purpose behind TheMarySue).
The only reason to keep watching this game is for the skycam and even that is not enough to get me to keep watching this game.
Goddamnit Falcons. I might as well hate-watch The Walking Dead
I think the Walking Dead is filmed in Georgia, so you’d have some synergy going on there.
“Tis!” replied Aunt Helga
Quitting the Walking Dead was the greatest decision I made last year
I’ve seen the skit on YouTube and learned the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln.
The Fistful of Yen segment is great. I never realized how well they took off Enter the Dragon because I’d never actually seen it. I saw Kentucky Fried Movie 20 times before I saw Enter the Dragon and so now the Bruce Lee movie just cracks me up.
I need to watch the whole thing.
The original version of Blindspot involved a 400-pound dude — they figured there would be lots of room for tattoos, but somehow it didn’t test well.
How did they stuff him into a sea bag to dump in the middle of Times Square?
They actually just dropped him out of a truck outside a Colts game, and no one really noticed.
just got into my hotel in Denver. I was listening to this game in Spanish during the last part of the drive, since no radio station had it in English. It’s not that hard to follow the play by play, but my grasp on commentary was limited
If they weren’t referring to Brady as pendejo, it probably wasn’t worth listening to.
Halfback, passes it to center, back to wing, back to center. Center holds it… holds it… HOLDS IT!
GOOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!!!!
¡TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS!
Dammit…I wanted to do the upside down exclamation point thingy but got lazy. Gotta sleep in the bed I made.
Collinsworth’s translation would be nothing but “Tomas Brady es muy excelente!!!”
There’s a brilliant George Carlin piece from the early 70’s about listening to Yankees games in Spanish on the radio. It’s on the “Classic Gold” album.
I still have Toledo Windowbox on vinyl. Good shit, so to speak.
Ok, I NEED to watch this movie asap.
On it.
The writers’ next movie was Airplane!
The director’s next movie was Animal House
(Zucker/Abrams/Zucker and John Landis)
Sent you a Slack msg, but suffice to say, it’s on the way.
I’ve had this dream before, and even then I pick the wrong one. FML.
Mahumina Mahumina
Kurt Angle has spent the last 10 minutes beating up Kane with weapons, so at least WWE’s politics have improved for this match.
What year is this again?
Not sure, I’m still trying to smell what The Rock is cookin’.
//platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
I have literally no idea why Kane is back
So, is this game called the Trent Green bowl? Kind of an NFL’s concept of what it’s like going on in Trent Green’s head, minus the purple dragons
Only Pinkie the pink elephant can save us now.
This nearly made me piss myself with laughter.
h
ttps://i.redditmedia.com/NaA3rE3wQ3Eub8cpkPSuFSnE_W19a7unqvG9ufOH3ao.png?w=576&s=ce7bffdb6ea39bf441ff3896bbe4092c
So was Method Man the halftime show?
Anyone else getting tired of Jimmy Kimmel?
He acts all uber-liberal and chronic beta-male, but he used to be a host on The Man Show which always ended with Chicks in Bikinis on Trampolines.
I hate convenient hypocrites.
Yeah. That dumb fuck keeps sucking off McCain. Fuck him
Like Rush Limbaugh?
Eh, I don’t know that he’s claiming to be uber-liberal so much as he got personally involved in the healthcare issue, and then was disgusted at how this government lied blatantly about it.
If I had to guess, I’d say Kimmel was probably a “politics sucks, who cares” guy
He apologized to Caitlyn Jenner for making fun of her. That’s his job!
It depends on the joke. But like that discussion I had with Buddy and some others a while back, calling Trump a fat fuck means nothing to me as a fat person because he specifically is a fat piece of shit who’s fat because he’s a slovenly, disgusting pig. However, Dan Savage making similar comments about all fat people are why I call him a hypocritical piece of shit for being as hateful as the people who hate him for being gay. I don’t know. I’m just here so I can fuck off.
ATL you are fraud and should feel fraud…
Anyone else in favor of a doink being worth 10 points?
Doink and in? I’ll allow giving it one extra point.
Not ten, but, I’m okay with it being the American football version of the rouge, so it’s worth four.
I’d be in favor of kickoffs going through the uprights be worth a point.
No doinks should be live ball. If it falls on the field of play either team can recover it.
For those interested, Viral Meningitis Presents Kurt Angle’s Return is about to begin
He’ll break or tear something within 90 seconds.
He wrestled in a cage match like 3 minutes before his HoF induction that went pretty well, but yeah, you’re probably not wrong. Hoping he doesn’t die.
I don’t care who the opponents are, having an actual “Fog Bowl” game going on is pretty awesome.
Shanklor has given it his blessing, too
Did we ever figure out what shanklor’s earthly form looks like?
He has no corporeal form, but I understand he was living in Scott Norwood’s body for quite a time.
Really? I always assumed he looked like fek’lhr
I thought Shanklor was female, at least in part on account of being Thursday Sky Goddess’s idea.
That’s I think the working theory, plus I believe she is Bleergh’s consort. Or else I’ve slightly messed things up.
SHANKLOR is a goddess.
Still not as good as the 88 fog bowl, but then again, no game probably will be
https://youtu.be/q6b3sneCxbM
I ‘member watching that, it was crazy.
I watched it too. When the fog first rolled in (and it came in suddenly) it looked like there was a fire in the stadium somewhere.
I’d be pretty pissed off right about now if I had paid money to sit in the upper deck.
Obviously, I’ve never seen the movie the gif is from, but can someone explain to me what’s happening when the big black dude grabs the black girl from the bed she is in with another black dude and takes her away?
I hate it when i send off a work email and forget about the attachment.
HOLY SHIT BIG JIM SLADE KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE FISTFUL OF YEN GO WATCH IT NOW
Actually, it’s “The Joy of Sex” album, but Big Jim Slade reappears in “Fistful of Yen”
OK, you really, really need to see Kentucky Fried Movie. I mean, I just can’t even…
Come on hidden ball trick!
Only if Tawwmy literally sticks it up his own ass.
Well, the wide receivers might as well take a seat.
How come TV networks hate televising games in Seattle because home Hox games are blowouts, yet the Pats get like all of their home games televised on primetime tv?
/everyone not a Cowboys fan nods
Favs prefer to hear More than a Feeling every 3 minutes more than they do Smells Like Teen Spirit.
Hey, they did J Geils and the Cars earlier!
Pete Carroll told me it’s a conspiracy.
http://www.twincities.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/watermelon.gif
I think it’s an apt metaphor that I fell asleep during the afternoon games. What did I miss during microhibernation?
“One of the Greatest in the History of Show Business?” Justin Timberlake? Really???
I know how to make Al Michaels shake. Just keep him away from the scotch for a few hours.
That is some horrifically awesome Banner Worthy shit.
That’s it. I’m jumping onboard the #FreeJanet train. A guy who almost certainly sucked off Lou Pearlman to be made famous isn’t the greatest at jack shit.
He’s channeling this guy:
Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Sidney Poitier… fuck off I guess.
Redford was good, but he really needed a fellow lead to make the most of his talent. As a solo lead he could come across very cold.
Maybe true, but how many notches do you think he has on his penis?
Not as many as James Caan.
Ouch.
Cuz he kept his mouth shut about having to suck off Weinstein:
You want to see how many of those accusers are going to end up being conveniently forgotten with 6-7 years?
Most of them already are on the way out in one form or another.
I like how neither of the announcers nor any of the talking heads at halftime notices that on the supposed “roughing the passer” penalty Tom Brady’s head doesn’t move a single goddamned inch.
The NFL is so rigged it’s not even funny. It *would* be funny if it were rigged in favor of MY team, of course.
Dolphins won’t be lucky enough to play the jets every week
Golden Football League has a rule that owners can’t own any other sports teams. So far it’s been successful at keeping owners dedicated to winning, rather than hedging a market share of the sports entertainment landscape.
“Dolphins lost Jay Cutler to injury. .. and then had a comeback victory.”
So what was the bad part?
Dolphins.
The falcons right now:
Moving to Wichita?
They’re just preparing for the Cypress Hill halftime show.
That was supposed to be a reply to Brick below, fucking sue me man.
Horatio! Get on this!
But first, ah…put on some pants, dude…
Edited.
How much for Big Jim Slade?
OK, just pick one out then…
[Obvious HRTN joke]
All HRTN jokes are pretty obvious.
I am totally digging this fog, man.
Everything looks better with a little fog. It’s natures diffusion filter.
Here’s the thing about Tom Brady, right — he’s a cheat. Like with Barry Bonds, the goal of his cheating is to be able to train harder/longer/faster. He doesn’t take PEDs that do the work for him; they allow him to put in all the work that he does.
So when people say, “Brady made that fantastic throw, that’s not cheating!” They’re correct in the sense that he isn’t materially changing the game circumstances (even setting the deflated football issue aside) as Sammy Sosa did when he used a corked bat. However, that Brady is able to perform the conditioning and practice reps that he does — well, it’s similar to a team operating outside the practice restrictions of the NFL. If a team got unlimited unrestricted practice time, we wouldn’t say they were playing by the same rules as everyone else.
Bottom line- dude is a cheat first and anything else a distant second.
BUT HIS MOM’S WEARING A PINK SHIRT!
He is also the beneficiary of cheating by his team and some sort of collusion to suck him off among the refs and defenses not wanting to hit him because they’ll get fucking flagged. It also matters that he acts like a self-righteous asshole about his cheating and his wife is a fucking cunt.
Slow down Cris. If you stick your tongue any further up Brady’s ass you’ll be able to taste his lip gloss.
Danica Patrick, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and a Chargers fan reach a four-way intersection at the same time. Who goes first?
Danica. She never hits the brakes.
Well, Danica actually exists, so….
You know, if the falcons are gonna be this worthless all game, the lease Julio Jones could do is pull out a gun and start shooting players
Do fatalities count against d/st?
We protect the North.
Did they just have more fireworks, or does JSD have to clean his glasses again?
There’s a stand-off in The Walking Dead in which one side has all the guns and the bad guys are just standing there.
JUST SHOOT HIM!!! HE’S RIGHT FUCKING THERE!!! SHOOT HIM IN THE FACE!!!!
but i thought the bad guys were the zombies…
/has not watched the walking dead
//may be actually be a scared little bitch when it comes to horror shows/movies
Got your back, not my jam either.
Not mine either. Gave up in Season 2. This is the most I’ve watched in however many years that is.
It has not gotten any better.
It’s not horror. There’s no suspense, no real feeling of dread. It’s just fucking misery porn, and people wallow in it like pigs in mud.
But they’re not at the fireworks factory yet!
BRICK’S TAKE:
By the end of the season, the most dangerous team is going to be the Chargers. They will have never had a home-game, and they will be filled with seething rage.
Just like their fans.
They have no fans. That adds to the rage.
Chargers fans are quickly becoming Texans fans.
All three of them?
I hate this stupid computer. It took me forever to find this.
Even in the playoffs, Carson will be filled with fans of the opposing team. It will be hilariously awesome.
The Chargers will be a deadly road team, who come into your stadium on Sunday and fuck you up, because they have hearts full of hate.
If hate worked, P*ts would constantly get their asses kicked.
But what if they face the Rams?
HAHAHAHA
At least the Rams have home games and some real fans. The Chargers are unloved and live in the same household as the Rams, fueling the fires of their rage.