Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 7, 2017

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

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There was a lot of bad football played yesterday (even if you don’t count fookin’ Everton).  Wanna talk about it?  Here it goes.

There is deep voodoo, whereby Jacksonville is awesome on odd weeks, and dogshit on even weeks.  There is no other commonality to explain it, and all seven data points now support this hypothesis.  No Leonard Fournette?  No matter, BORT will just throw for 280+ in the first half.  The Humps, apparently shocked beyond the point of reason, lost at home 27-nil.

Also deep voodoo?  The London game, where you can count on one side not really making the Transatlantic flight.  You know it won’t be our erstwhile RRRRRRRRAM IT!!! crew, right?  Arizona, come on down!  Drew Stanton mopped up after a Carson Palmer broken arm, and shit got ugly.  33-nil ugly.

Denver completed the troika of suck-ass, getting shut out (first such event since Hippo was 19, back in 1992) at the Shitty Clippers.  Home crowd advantage in the Lesser Footy stadium was nae enough, with terrible OL play, few healthy NFL-caliber WRs, and a clearly exposed “needs to return to clipboard holding” QB.  21-nil here, as this one was boring as fuck.

Other ugliness – Truth Biscuit completed four motherfucking forward passes in a 17-3 home win over back-to-shitty Cam Newton’s Panthers.  John Fox continues to baffle – is he a mad genius, or just a grumpy old man trying to take the game back to the 1920s?

Speaking of awful quartered backing…Brett Hundley was a puppy abortion out there today.  Yes, your Packer WRs are completely unplayable in fantasy, even at home against the fucking Saints.  12-25, 87 yards.  Just wow, dude.  Ted Ginn almost doubled that up (in receiving yards) alone.  Ted.  Ginn.  You can guess who won, though the Saints didn’t pull away until late.

#ThePauls made it to overtime today, in a game without TDs.  Tennessee was far less than impressive, but they field goaled last for the 12-9 road victory.  Meh.

Minnesota played very well today, with the caveat that Balmer blows goats.  24-16, thanks only to a very last second garbage time Flacco TD.  Vikes featured Murray over McKinnon today, which right pissed Hippo off.

You had two games that could reasonably pass for “almost good” – with Miami clawing back from a 28-14 deficit to defeat the J-E-T-S 31-28.  Alas, it was not Catler leading the charge, but a much more effective Matt Moore (following a rib cage injury to our feline hero).  One suspects it will be Moore for the duration.

The other was a back and forth affair between Buffalo and Tampa, with the opportunistic Bills’ defense creating the turnovers that made the difference.  A late strip/fumble recovery set up the winning Hauschka FG, 30-27.

Your late slate (Denver/Shitty Clippers already mentioned) was a pile of shit.  Dallas butthammered the Tomsulas 40-10, with the only item of interest being 2nd half extra points taken by safety Jeff Heath.  He went 2-for-3!

The Stillers pulled away from Cincy late in Yinzburgh, as Andy Dalton shrank like a turtle into his shell.  In other news, water is wet.

Finally, Elisha and his band of no-receivers took on Seattle, and eventually the dam broke open for a 24-7 SeaTruther win.  Evan Engram is really good, but without OBJ…there’s just nothing else happening for that offense.  And they don’t get to play Denver again (sigh).

As far as I am concerned, there was no Sunday night fixture.  Get fucked, NBC.  See everyone for Iggles/Redacteds.

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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If I wasn’t an absolute unrepentant heathen I would say eggs Benedict is proof that there is a kind and just God.

So fucking hungover.

Horatio Cornblower

A now-closed breakfast place near me used to do a version with salmon and potato pancakes, (yes, they were Polish!), that was out of this world.


I’m pretty bummed out about all the white trash bigots boycotting the NFL this season because they’re going to be the ones who take credit for the NFL’s ratings drop. Even though viewership will be down across all types of broadcast devices, Fox News will praise the 2% decline in trailers with televisions with rabbit ears as the market the league needs to win back.

In actuality, the NFL is very unwatchable this year. My Week 6 broadcast lineup was ARI/RAAMMIT, NYG/SEA, and the SNF Al Michael-TB12 Subliming Cumsplosion. Cumulative points scored by the losing teams on this broadcast slate: 14.

That is not a quality product.


And let us not forget that Roger Goodell is a national disgrace


Ppl forget that


19 in 1992 you say? [carries the one] So you’re almost a Colt-45?


Youngsters. 56 as of today.


One thing I can say for certain, the Vikings defense is outright fucking fierce. We’re 5-2 without a starting QB and they’re the reason.

How much is Baltimore paying Flacco again?




I figured Odin would favor aggressors.


I think I’ve figured out how to calculate the BBFB (Blax’s Bad Football) stat:

For each play in the football game,

1) Count 1 for each penalty (even if not accepted by the opposing team)
2) Count 1 for each blown coverage
3) Count 1 for each missed block
4) Count 1 for each premature snap
5) Count 1 for each fumble (even if recovered)
6) Count 1 for each turnover

Add the total and divide by the number of plays. This can then be expressed as a percentage.

Example: the Browns’ BBFB was 93% against the Titans.


I get credit for this awesome product that uses my name and I don’t have to put any work into building, maintaining, or justifying it? Well, I’ve got the perfect word to celebrate this business proposition:


Game Time Decision

is this the DFO version of DVOA, but for game watchability?

monty this seems strange to me

Yeah this season kind of sucks so far. All the teams I hate are winning and all the teams I like don’t exist.


I did not realize you liked the Texans…




I still have to write that!!


“Get on that”
–The only direction needed during that filmshoot


It’s written. Probably post tomorrow.