[digs his way past words ‘miraculous’, ‘letdown’, ‘poise’, ‘collapse’, ‘disappointment’, ‘validation’, ‘comeback’, ‘dynasty’, ‘believe’, etc.-breeches the surface]
[gasps for breath] Goddamn it! [brushes assorted superlatives off the front of his shirt] Some of those letters have some really sharp edges! Where the hell is the St. Bernard with the brandy, for Christ’s sake? I’ve been through hell!
First things first-thanks so much to bulbsofsteelandfurry and WeeBabyShamoo for holding the fort while I made my way back from The Big Smoke, which is a nickname for the city of Toronto and not a marijuana appreciation conference. If you ever run into one of those dudes, please give them a handjob-I’ll send you the fifty bucks after the completion of the act has been confirmed by a third party and notarized by a lawyer. As for the night’s entertainment, we must go… TO THE GAME!
FALCONS/PATS: The Pats have given up the most points by far in the AFC East. [stops] Atlanta needs this game and New England has a tendency to lose at home recently. [stops] Okay-this is a tilt featuring the likes of Tom Brady, Gronk, Chris Hogan, Brandin Cooks, Matt Ryan, Devonta Freeman, Tevin Coleman and Julio Jones. This is going to be a scoring free-for-all, folks. Seriously, are either one of these defenses going to stop the other side? If you bothered to scan that last sentence you were subconsciously shaking your head “no”. So let’s all just sit back and enjoy the touchdown cornucopia.
It’s important to share-do so below.
Freeman just ran 20 yards across the field to lose one yard of forward progress.
If I’m a special teams coach I’m gonna tell my guys to NEVER take it out of the end zone. I’d fine them if they did.
“THIS GUY GETS IT!!!”
/Aaron Rodgers
Amazing. Whenever a P*ts receiver fails to make a catch due to good coverage, they reflexively look towards the nearest official waiting for the flag.
Well … It works.
Funny thing is, I get pissy when you’se all make the same comments about the Dallas Texas Football Cowboys.
At least I can admit to being a dick at times.
And whenever they DO make the catch, they reflexively look around for the OPI flag.
I’m officially pants less that has to count for something.
What a great day!
Woo!
So…you normally would be wearing pants?
Please make a note of this in today’s minutes for future evaluation, thanks Balls…
A fine may be forthcoming…
I was thinking about a 6 thread suspension.
Holy shit. There are actually Penn State deniers out there.
I gotta call my broker; I’m shorting America.
Penn State truthers aren’t even Patient Zero of conspiracy theorists. That distinction falls to the Flat Earth Society, which I believe just recently elected Kyrie Irving to the General Undersecretary position for a two-year term.
Fucking flat earthers, especially the professional athlete ones. YOU FLY IN JETS. IN THE SKY! Look out the window, you dipshits! Do you see China? THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW THE EARTH ISN’T FLAT!
hurr durr muh refractory angles, muh axial tilting, etc. etc.
There are always going to be bastards like that.
No! This should be like Holocaust denying In Germany. People cannot be all #metoo and then turn around and go all, “Remember when that OSU guy traded gear for tattoos?! Those child rape victims made these stories all up!”
Oh, I agree that they should be strung up like Mussolini and their bodies get pelted with shit, but that’s because there will always be shitty people like that. It’s a combination of insane people and edgelord losers.
So, when does the World Series start?
The orange crowd in Carson was greatly disappointed today.
USC….woof
UCLA is still an enigma.
This has been your LA Football Report for this week!
Burn it all down.
Sorry, but putting an adorable kid with cancer in a Patriots t-shirt is not gonna keep me from hating that franchise.
Hasn’t the kid suffered enough?
Not if he’s a P*ts fan.
Gronk train! Choo choo!
Fuck that, Brady’s head never got touched. Fuck you Cris, go molest a high school student.
Mark Chmura would like to subscribe to your newsletter.
How about a flag for Brady being over the line of scrimmage on that throw?
HAHAHAHA
A young Cutler
That kid looks like he just doesn’t care.
Without Rudy the Monster Squad would’ve been fucked! He got all the weapons, forged the silver bullets and put the plan down. All the rest of the kids did was make flyers and dick around with Frankenstein.
You’re telling me that kids are mostly useless idiots? Holy fucking shit.
Cris just told us we’re playing football here tonight. That sucks, I was looking for International Competitive Badminton.
Bet365 will have odds on that.
Fuck you Atlanta, stop sucking so much.
Until last year’s Super Bowl, I actually kind of liked Atlanta. Now, the resentment I feel for them runs really, really deep.
Typical Patriots, bringing a Freeman down.
When was the last time there were THREE shutouts on one Sunday?
I wish I had a nickle for every Saturday night shutout I’ve had.
I’m out folks. I got to get plenty of sleep for the morning.
Y’all be safe.
I will quit running with scissors sir.
I will try real hard to not die while reclining at my computer desk
yes, no more eating expired meat for the night.
Dallas won, so I put the bleach back up on the high shelf.
Falcons have nards?
What? You are not familiar with the Greatest Movie Ever?
Scary German Guy is bitchin’!
I was told this was going to be a high scoring game
I normally don’t fall for advertising gimmicks, but Christina Hendricks could definitely convince me to buy a Kia.
I don’t need or want a Kia.
KIA = BIG TITS
This will never get old. Ever.
Never ever.
The smartest thing the Pats do is lead the league in offensive pass interference because they know that the refs will not continue to call it all day long.
Brady sacked?!?
HOW IS THAT NOT A PENALTY?!?!?!
The NFL will just award them the Super Bowl title at halftime.
All eyes were on Gronk, he’s just so dreamy!!!
Brady got hit hard.
October 22, 2017 @ 1946 Central Time, the New England Patriots got a flag on a punt return.
Haley’s comet ain’t got shit on this.
Evening everybody! So thrilled to be joining you for BEERGHFEST ’17.
The Air Force has changed…
Oh fuck you imgur!!!!
Dude I have up on imgur months ago
These refs are going to ruin the game. It’s going to be a 4 hour game.
Why’s the field view all hazy? They let the NE fans leave on their tiki torches this week?
Someone didn’t turn off the fog machine in Gronk’s party bus.
That ain’t fog dude.
If I ever won the lottery, I’d buy Cincinnati’s NFL team and rename them the Bungholes, and everybody, current fans included, would applaud me for this humanitarian move.
/Cornholio might also become the official team mascot. Still undecided.
I fucking hate the pre-game fireworks.
I keep cleaning my glasses thinking its a problem on my end.
[glances up from behind the bar where he is currently employed washing glasses]
– Todd Marinovich
I am wading through Bengals reddit and the just move the team to LA was there. I have seen it elsewhere too, is that the go-to insult now?
It’s my recommendation for the Cards.
These shitty owners spent decades going, “careful or we just might to LA…” well, pull the fucking trigger.
May there be many tgts, comp, yards and rec TD to TE’s on both sides of the ball, k thx.
Untuckit shirts are fucking stupid
I won’t be shocked if Pats drop this one, only 1-2 at Gillette this season, and the one win was a near-run thing. Of course I’ll be pissed, but not as pissed as I was when, say, Tom Petty died.
Some asshole named Negan just demanded all of Rick’s weapons and, for some reason, a pool table.
It’s a zombie apocalypse, dude, you can’t find your own fucking pool table?
I am officially the world’s biggest Falcons fan. This shall end in a few hours…so be it.
Do the dirty bird in your living room. Or head out and get a hooker quickly before the big game.
…. consider this a random guess, but is this from the man show?
Could be, I guess.
No clue, though.
I distinctly remember a segment where a “femal tennis camp” was a thinly disguised excuse to ogle female players, and included instructions to blatantly use their sex appeal. I guess it was inspired by Anna kournikova.
My memory is weird.
At this point, Matt Ryan is just Joe Flacco without the ring right?
Matt Ryan has weapons, and Flacco had nobody of substance, so isn’t Flacco better?
is matt Ryan a elite quareterback?
leev it 2 some1 who went 2 boston college in the NORTH 2 be the guy who made atlanta burn down again,,, imo godbless
Objectively speaking, ryan is the better quarterback, but unlike flacco, he hasn’t been able to consistently take advantage of all the opportunities he’s had.
Asuka time~
Emma time too, don’t forget
Hey, I included her in my picture, though yours is clearly better.
This my favorite, for reasons…
Alas, Asuka’s best work didn’t make it stateside
The North Korean army really is pathetic.
Let’s see that in slo-mo Jim
Vontaze Burfict…how the fucking shit is he still in the league?
I get he is good at football but he literally fucks up in such a moronic fashion that he does more harm than good in pads.
Did CJ Beathard show any sort of competency or was he just flat-out bad?
Yes
The fun part is that Atlanta won’t get a lead to blow tonight.
So, is Redshirt okay? Because Red Rocket isn’t after that.
I think Redshirt reached ACCEPTANCE a long time ago…
For those not interested in watching Atlanta’s inevitable failure, Kurt Angle is going to be wrestling on a WWE show for the first time since 2006 tonight.