Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 98)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: The Deadly Jungle on the Secret Island of Doktor Zymm! A pair of crabmen, having escaped the lab (and an angry Fozz) are making their way through the foliage.

King Crabman: Gbt tvu mk. [Well, that was certainly a setback.]

Crabman #1: Mk! Tku vk gtgt! [A setback? We got our asses kicked back there!]

King Crabman: Nkt. Tik tuktk mkt bk. [Nonsense. We just have to regroup, formulate a new strategy and try again.]

Crabman #1: Mk? Jkjk mku vn. Vdl. [We? Speak for yourself, bro. I’m done here.]

King Crabman: Aak nf dt? [Need I remind you, I am the king?]

Crabman #1 (mumbling): Tktv mk vkmt. [King schming.. you were first one out of your egg.]

King Crabman (peering through a break in the trees): Tzt mak…tkl mf qrt… [Hey, look…it’s one of the pink fleshies…]

Crabman #1 peers through the trees as well, to see Marc Trestmans Windowless Van wading out in the cove.

Crabman #1: Plbt. Nak tk mikmkt. [Big deal. That ain’t the chicky you got the hots for.]

King Crabman: Nk. Dkt vn aak. [No, but he might make good hostage. Go grab him.]

Crabman #1: Naktk! Gblt nak mik. [Not a chance! I just want to find a way home.]

King Crabman (walking towards the cove): Vikl mt. Naknik mkt gib… [Fine. You back me up and I’ll grab him. I have to do everything myself…]

The two crabmen make their way into the cove. King Crabman wades over to Marc Trestmans Windowless Van and attempts to look menacing.

King Crabman: Vk! Tktk mak gbl! [You there! Take me to the blonde goddess!]

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (looking at the crabmen): Whoa! Like, are you guys real, or did I have mushrooms with lunch again?

King Crabman (grabbing Marc’s neck with his large pincer): Kkt mak! Vkt mk… [Listen up, you primitive meathead! I want you to…]

Suddenly, a yuuuge great white shark erupts from the water and engulfs King Crabman in his massive jaws. The shark dives beneath the water again, leaving King Crabman’s pincer around Marc’s neck as the only evidence of his existence.

Crabman #1: Jkt Krt! [By the Great Crab Mother!]

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van peels off King Crabman’s pincer and tosses it out over the water. Sharky jumps out of the ocean and catches it, and dives back in.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whoa, dude…like, sorry about your friend, man. Sharky is kind of protective, y’know.

Crabman #1: Vk…vk…mkvt mak mnk?!! [What…what…what the hell was that thing?!!]

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (leading the crabman out of the water): Like, maybe we should get you back to shore, man. No offense, but to him you probably smell like shark bait.

Crabman #1: Zirk…btt….?

Cut to: Doktor Zymm’s private lab. Zymm herself is carefully pouring out a pile of ash from a dust vac onto a table, and Ballsofsteelandfury is standing nearby.

Ballsofsteelandfury: So, you think this is gonna work, Dok?

Doktor Zymm: Zere ist eine gut chance it vill. You are zertain you collected all ze ashes?

Ballsofsteelandfury: You bet! I was really careful about it. I didn’t want her coming back missing an arm or a boob…

Doktor Zymm (pouring out the last of the ash): Gut! Now zit down in zat chair over zere.

Ballsofsteelandfury (sitting down in a high-tech chair): This one? Hey, comfy! I like the lumbar support.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, ja…zo, orange juize or cookie?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Ah, I’m OK right now. But a Tequila Sunrise sounds pretty good…

Doktor Zymm: Nein. No alcohol for you for a few days.

Ballsofsteelandfury: What? But there’s a game coming up!

Doktor Zymm (pushing a button on her console): Zere always is…

Metal straps emerge from the chair’s arms and wrap around Ballsofsteelandfury’s wrists.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey! What’s the big idea, Dok?

Doktor Zymm: Don’t vorry…I just vant you to ztay ztill vile I draw a little Blut.

Ballsofsteelandfury (squirming): How little?

Doktor Zymm: Vell…as little as necessary…

A robotic arm drops down from the ceiling, and aims toward Ballsofsteelandfury. A long needle comes out of the arm.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, Dok…maybe we should think about this for awhile. I mean, we don’t want to…

Doktor Zymm (pushing another button): Ja, just hold ztill…

Cut to: The hallway outside of Doktor Zymm’s private lab. Jerry and BFC are walking by with empty boxes. There’s a scream from behind the door.

BFC: Yikes! That didn’t sound good. Do you think we should check it out?

Jerry: Nah. I mean, we’re guests here. I don’t want to be all nosy.

BFC: True. Remember Bolivia…?

Jerry (laughing): With the firing squad, and that one guy…?

BFC: The finance minister?

Jerry: Yeah, him! Wow, did he look surprised!

BFC and Jerry get to the door of the laboratory which houses the Dimensional Energy Retrieval Portal and go inside. The D.E.R.P. is still glowing and there’s debris everywhere.

BFC: Wow, what a mess. By the way, thanks for volunteering us to help clean up.

Jerry: Oh, sure. I figured we might as well lend a hand…

Jerry notices BFC glaring at him.

BFC: I was being sarcastic.

Jerry: Yeah, I just figured that out.

As BFC and Jerry start filling boxes with lab debris, the D.E.R.P. starts to glow brighter.

BFC: Huh. Is it supposed to do that?

Jerry (backing away): Aw, man…I hope it’s not another tentacle monster. That thing’s still giving me nightmares!

BFC: I think your nightmares come from eating Thai food right before bed.

Jerry (defensively): I like a snack before bed, okay?

BFC: I’m not sure three bowls of tom kha gai can be considered a “snack.”

Jerry: It’s my metabolism. And I think I have low blood sugar.

The D.E.R.P. glows brighter, and then a large, muscular figure steps through.

BFC: Hey…it’s Steve Reeves!

Jerry: Cool! Man, I loved his movies when I was a kid. Isn’t he dead, though…?

Hercules: Oh, my aching head. When I get my hands on Cupid…

Hercules notices BFC and Jerry looking at him. Jerry waves shyly.

Jerry: We’re big fans!

Hercules: Thanks, guys. Look, can one of you direct me to some refreshment of the alcoholic variety? And maybe a side of beef or a roasted goat…?

BFC: Sure, Mr. Reeves, no problem!

Jerry: Yeah, the cafeteria is just down the hall.

Hercules: Thanks, guys. And you can just call me Hercules.

Jerry (whispering to BFC): Wow, he really stays in character!

Jerry and BFC leave with Hercules. Moments later the portal glows again and Minerva steps through, Cupid flitting at her side.

Minerva: So, this is where that Fozz-thing resides.

Cupid: What a dump! This looks like my old apartment…remember the one I used ta have, when I was livin’ wid Shesmu?

Minerva: I thought Hercules would be here smashing things already. Do you think he got lost?

Cupid: I mean, the guy made some great wine, but what a slob!

Minerva: Cupid…

Cupid: Oh, right. What?

Minerva (sighing): Hercules. He’s not here.

Cupid: Aw, da big dummy probably got confused an’ wandered off. Like we need him anyway. Yer the goddess o’ war an’ weapons an’ stuff an’ I’ve got my li’l bow…

Minerva: This is starting to feel like that damn beauty contest, all over again…

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Doktor Zymm: Ja, ja…zo, orange juize or cookie?

This was delightful foreshadowing.

Senor Weaselo

Unfortunately Sharky doesn’t have a laser beam on him… does he? Sorry, I meant a frickin’ laser beam.

ballsofsteelandfury

You DO NOT want a boob missing!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

I mean, DERP is the gift that keeps on giving.
/sun comes up next day

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Note to self: Investigate the real life possibility of a security “watch shark”.
/buys gigantic saltwater aquarium
//buys book on training sharks

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t know what tom kha gai is, but crab sure is tasty

litre_cola

To remove them just use a keen eye and some tweezers. Do NOT use gasoline.