Two games at the 4 spot last week. Why must we suffer such foolishness? Another game has graced the second round and even though my abacus is in the shop I can tell you that this increase in tilts of 33% (50%?, 65%?) makes everything okay. It makes the chili taste better. It makes the tv screen shine brighter. It makes the new-fallen snow melt faster. (“Easy does it there, Mother Nature. You’ve got plenty of time.”) It makes the beer store open sooner on Sunday. (it does not) Okay, fine. It does make my intros more long-winded than usual. TO THE GAMES!
Ari/SF: I figured that Hoyer would last the season but I know nothing. Tanking isn’t pretty but sometimes it seems a bit too obvious I guess. Jimmy “MARCO!” Garoppolo to the rescue! Them Niners finally have a shot today to throw a “1” to the left of the win/loss column because just like the Dacteds, Arizonny is all kinds of bunged up and Drew Stanton is the answer to nobody’s question. If this fixture was a meal it would be the one that Andy Reid keels face-first into after his heart beats its last.
Was/Sea: The Fish Tossers have trampolined back from a 1-2 start and share first in the division with them Rammers. The Dacteds are trying to inch their way towards Dallas in the NFC East but the gravity that manifests itself in the Giants sucking-hole is all-powerful. So down they should go. Their only hope is to escape Intensive Care-here be a list of starters that are out/compromised by injury: Crowder, Williams, Spaight, Scherff, Nsekhe, Long, Breeland, Kelley and Reed. That’s nuts.
KC/Dal: “He’s in, he’s out, he’s in, he’s out!” No, that’s not a play-by-play of your fave Pornhub vid done by Gus Johnson, that’s the sports media’s daily update on Zeke’s adventures within the legal system. As of early Sunday he’ll be taking the field but a lot can happen in six hours. The Cowboys are happy because the Chiefs give up an average of 131 yards ground-wise. KC will counter Dallas’ suspect D with Kelce (6th in receiving yards) and Hill (7th). Oh, there’s also that guy Kareem Hunt-he’s 5th in rushing. This here should be a Funyuns, er, fun one.
Do that thing you do with your digits. Ah, that feels good.
Miles Austin, there’s a name i haven’t heard in years.
Witten with the block.
UPDATED: a 14-13 loss would be just fine, Tomsulas!
Yep – that’s pretty much a win in itself.
every SeaTruther play is a Hail Mary
Straight from football mastermind Darrell Bevell
Romo with the burn on Peters.
How delightfully confusing would “A Trent Green Christmas Carol” be?
Eight ears a’bleeding…
Seven concussions concussing…
Six six six six six….
FIVE FRACTURED SKULLS
It would sound something like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJh47LybCkU
Run the ball Dallas.
agreed, but put Alfred Morris in
or do so shittily
When does the Spurs game start?
6 pm according to my inside sources *I don’t have any inside sources*
That was 19 minutes ago. Your non-existent sources suck.
My sources must be in a different time zone, or they set their clocks back this morning.
Not KHunt nor Tyreek but fuck the Cowboys so ok
Potato sack race!!
Damn, I missed the potatoes.
– A. Reid
Thankfully they didn’t have to go up against 10-time defending sack-race champion Aaron Rodgers.
Yay, that’s good for me.
Has curling season started yet? I really like curling.
Olympic curling is my jam.
Okay, sack race was fun.
I give it 9.4
Iffy til the faceplants, then great
I give it a 6.9/10 too nice.
“I didn’t think it was so funny.”
– Nate Solder
Tyreek hasn’t been seen this half because he’s too busy giving Lord Reid his bath.
Someone needs to remind Alex Smith why quarterbacks should slide feet first.
“I won’t forget” – Trent Green
“Who Said That?”
– Trent Green
As a Raiders fan, you should be advocating the opposite.
AFC West types have given up, we just want to fuck over the Cowboys at this point
/at least I do
I get sick of Alex Smith abusing the protections that are afforded to quarterbacks. That sideline tiptoe shit, and now his headfirst slides (you KNOW if anyone pops him the flags will come a-flying) – it just pisses me off.
though you would THINK Tryeek shows open field skill like that, maybe you’d…I dunno…get him the goddamned ball in space again?
Looks like the tampon is out.
is The Flow in somewheres??
Possibly. There’s red running everywhere.
that’s one powerful KHunt
Dallas, why can’t I quit you?
If you find out, let me know, so I can finally escape my abusive relationship.
Hey, I did it. You can too!
No, they can change! I can fix them!
.
..
…
SON OF A BITCH!
If IT got to Green, then truly all hope is lost.
Green says its was the cheapshots from the CB. What he says at least.
But something happened, because that was completely out of character.
I think it’s the build-up of all the frustration. I agree, he’s never like that.
Cowboys doing a terrific job of reminding me why I hate them so much.
It’s the uppity Ginger coach, isn’t it?
a 14-12 loss would do just fine, Tomsulas.
/a sound of increasingly loud footsteps followed by a door flying open so hard it snaps the hinges
A PORN CALLED SEAL TEAM 69
Who would you Cast?
I’m honestly upset I didn’t think of this immediately after learning that a thing called Seal Team Six existed.
Well, I have seen seals balance balls on their nose before. Works for me!
If it doesn’t have a homosexual BDSM scene involving bin Laden than why do we even have porn?!
He did take a shot in the eye.
SEE? This writes itself!!
WARNING, gonna get REALLY gay in this script.
Money shot finished off by BJ Beathard.
Labia flies open…
They just won’t let the Benghazi thing go
I have a lot of free time this week, so Bojack Horseman: thoughts?
YES. I find it brilliant, and it resonates with my personal dark sense of humour and take on depression.
Some people absolutely hate it, though. Tis a show with no middle ground.
It’s very very good.
I wholly approve of the new banner quote. That’s some good hustle, Redshirt. Ass slaps all around.
That’s it, am getting a drink.
I was on the wagon all day, starting to feel slippery.
I didn’t drink but I downed two quarts of Chocolate Milk. I am going to regret that.
just so long as everyone ends up on the toilet with they regret and shame
Damn, saw the Giants score. Wow…
They’re gonna fuck around and luck into another franchise QB. Horseshit.
Still holds up
Damit Dallas
Andy is getting a wheelbarrow of the finest BBQ meats at halftime for that play call.
They are just going to drop a bull into the Locker Room like the Raptor Cage in Jurassic Park.
He doesn’t want to be fed, he wants to hunt!
No, he just wants to be fed.
I don’t think I’m ready for the idea of a raptor-like Andy Reid.
Pffff. That’s his regular halftime snack, regardless of what’s happening.
Well those words of “hey, good half, Dallas” sure turned to ash in my mouth awfully quickly.
Once again. You don’t have to catch the ball in the endzone. You just get to get the ball into the endzone.
Dallas has a very bad track record of recovering from a bad 1st half ending. This could get ugly.
That got my dick rock hard, Fuck the Cowboys.
Edit: Pebble Hard
Who is starting Tyreek?? This mammal!!
purdy
Football is a stupid game.
ALEX SMITH WITH THE TD!
YES! I’ve been waiting my whole life to see someone do that!
WHAT A PLAY!!
I hate football.
Broken Cowboys
WTF
That’s a sneaky KHunt.
GO DAKOTA!
Reid wants to know if the halftime lunch menu includes funnel cakes.
Well….shit.
That DAK guy might be good.
DAK IN DEEP
DAKDAKDAKDAKDAKDAK!!!!!!!!
DAK DAK DAK DAK!!!!