Your “Three is Better Than Two” NFL Football Open Thread

Two games at the 4 spot last week. Why must we suffer such foolishness? Another game has graced the second round and even though my abacus is in the shop I can tell you that this increase in tilts of 33% (50%?, 65%?) makes everything okay. It makes the chili taste better. It makes the tv screen shine brighter. It makes the new-fallen snow melt faster. (“Easy does it there, Mother Nature. You’ve got plenty of time.”) It makes the beer store open sooner on Sunday. (it does not) Okay, fine. It does make my intros more long-winded than usual. TO THE GAMES!

Ari/SF: I figured that Hoyer would last the season but I know nothing. Tanking isn’t pretty but sometimes it seems a bit too obvious I guess. Jimmy “MARCO!” Garoppolo to the rescue! Them Niners finally have a shot today to throw a “1” to the left of the win/loss column because just like the Dacteds, Arizonny is all kinds of bunged up and Drew Stanton is the answer to nobody’s question. If this fixture was a meal it would be the one that Andy Reid keels face-first into after his heart beats its last.

Was/Sea: The Fish Tossers have trampolined back from a 1-2 start and share first in the division with them Rammers. The Dacteds are trying to inch their way towards Dallas in the NFC East but the gravity that manifests itself in the Giants sucking-hole is all-powerful. So down they should go. Their only hope is to escape Intensive Care-here be a list of starters that are out/compromised by injury: Crowder, Williams, Spaight, Scherff, Nsekhe, Long, Breeland, Kelley and Reed. That’s nuts.

KC/Dal: “He’s in, he’s out, he’s in, he’s out!” No, that’s not a play-by-play of your fave Pornhub vid done by Gus Johnson, that’s the sports media’s daily update on Zeke’s adventures within the legal system. As of early Sunday he’ll be taking the field but a lot can happen in six hours. The Cowboys are happy because the Chiefs give up an average of 131 yards ground-wise. KC will counter Dallas’ suspect D with Kelce (6th in receiving yards) and Hill (7th). Oh, there’s also that guy Kareem Hunt-he’s 5th in rushing. This here should be a Funyuns, er, fun one.

Do that thing you do with your digits. Ah, that feels good.