Two games at the 4 spot last week. Why must we suffer such foolishness? Another game has graced the second round and even though my abacus is in the shop I can tell you that this increase in tilts of 33% (50%?, 65%?) makes everything okay. It makes the chili taste better. It makes the tv screen shine brighter. It makes the new-fallen snow melt faster. (“Easy does it there, Mother Nature. You’ve got plenty of time.”) It makes the beer store open sooner on Sunday. (it does not) Okay, fine. It does make my intros more long-winded than usual. TO THE GAMES!
Ari/SF: I figured that Hoyer would last the season but I know nothing. Tanking isn’t pretty but sometimes it seems a bit too obvious I guess. Jimmy “MARCO!” Garoppolo to the rescue! Them Niners finally have a shot today to throw a “1” to the left of the win/loss column because just like the Dacteds, Arizonny is all kinds of bunged up and Drew Stanton is the answer to nobody’s question. If this fixture was a meal it would be the one that Andy Reid keels face-first into after his heart beats its last.
Was/Sea: The Fish Tossers have trampolined back from a 1-2 start and share first in the division with them Rammers. The Dacteds are trying to inch their way towards Dallas in the NFC East but the gravity that manifests itself in the Giants sucking-hole is all-powerful. So down they should go. Their only hope is to escape Intensive Care-here be a list of starters that are out/compromised by injury: Crowder, Williams, Spaight, Scherff, Nsekhe, Long, Breeland, Kelley and Reed. That’s nuts.
KC/Dal: “He’s in, he’s out, he’s in, he’s out!” No, that’s not a play-by-play of your fave Pornhub vid done by Gus Johnson, that’s the sports media’s daily update on Zeke’s adventures within the legal system. As of early Sunday he’ll be taking the field but a lot can happen in six hours. The Cowboys are happy because the Chiefs give up an average of 131 yards ground-wise. KC will counter Dallas’ suspect D with Kelce (6th in receiving yards) and Hill (7th). Oh, there’s also that guy Kareem Hunt-he’s 5th in rushing. This here should be a Funyuns, er, fun one.
Do that thing you do with your digits. Ah, that feels good.
I hope Old Country Buffet has an extra handicap spot, Reid just took a hit.
Reid just dropped his nachos.
KC with the towel.
Tyreke did a thing
what he do?
Nice Special Teams shit right there that’s what that was.
Goddammit. Slurs are fucking useless.
Both these sides deserve to lose this fixture. It’s been abominable.
Let’s hope Dok is suitably crunk
Romo: Dallas has been very fortunate on the injuries.
No shit? I mean you did account for 80% so…yeah.
I would really like some garbage Tyreek points, Fat Andy. There’s some high quality burnt ends in it for ya.
Great, Williams is hurt. He was finally earning his keep.
DAL/NE Superb Owl. The Prophecy is coming to pass a year late.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You forget…December is coming.
ok
That would result in my inevitable demise regardless of the outcome.
Know what sucks? The Chefs.
I’m not sure if I like the new Family Circus.
In Alex Smith’s defense no one else thought Jeff Heath could get an interception either.
In this one instance, would have been better for DAL had he dropped it. Figures.
/not a bad kicker, tho
SeaTruthers now will try to get in position to miss a 4th field goal. FUN SHIT
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT
FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!!!
WOOOOO!
Suck it Tiny Hands
Eat a tiny dick and/or ass, Tiny Hands.
YEEEEEHAAAAWWWWW!!!!!
TACO TACO TACO
BELL BELL BELL
flavoured kisses?
I’ll probably correct the clock in my car sometime around President’s Day.
Dallas Defense is playing too fucking soft
yet nada FOAR Tyreek
God it feels like 10 p.m. already.
If this score holds, Cousins will have had maybe the worst winning performance in NFL history (non-Tebow varietal).
Good thing they didn’t ask me to write that dad-unicorn commercial.
“Dad” and “unicorn” don’t go together so well, does they?
Can we PLEASE let Tyreek touch the ball?
KHunt gets all the attention.
ain’t that always teh thang ,, smh
Dez out. That changes shit.
If it lingers, sure. This horse is in the barn.
Reid wants to know why it’s ok for Zeke to keep eating.
What happened to the 6 week “hunger strike”?
Beasley!!! Grittier than a dried-out tub of anal lube.
GRitty x2
Aren’t you overdue for a gay joke? I mean, it’s been a couple hours.
You know me too well.
Well, there’s this Gay guy that plays in every Spurs game, but making a joke about him would be Rude.
Run on that KC ass. Mow those fuckers down
X is now Y
So is it now, Scorpion X 4 Orange?
Spider 2 X Banana?
Caitlyn would like a word with you.
Ride the Morris ride!
Oh, Cousins, you derpy fuck
Cousins, you piece of shit.
Alexa. Sign Ben McAdoo to a 10 year extension.
Romo is the best. i just wish he would go by his family’s real name, Romero. His dad shorten to Romo to help with cheese racist assholes in Wisconsin.
Why do you pretend to exist as an intelligent being? Because you can stop pretending, we know better.
? You’re saying there are no racist assholes in Wisconsin?
None? No. More than anywhere else in the nation? Fuck You No. Come on over.
You having a bad day, man?
Nah. I just know how tomorrow will go.
Nothing worse than a cheese racist. Fucking Goudas!
Tony Romero sounds like the name of an Infomercial host.
The offbeat neighbor in a Hallmark Christmas special.
Also, that’s Romano. If you’re going to be dumb, be smart about it.
Wow, that was fun!
That’s all kinds of wonderful.
No, I don’t miss my VCR either.
Today I find myself in the unusual position of rooting for the Cowboys, only because a Chiefs’ loss helps the Patriots in their pursuit of home field advantage in the playoffs. It feels really weird.
BOO THIS MAN
Just do what I do when I root for the Steelers, close your eyes, imagine you rooting for someone else and just get in there and go to town until its done.
This can also work if you’re forced to dive on a Friend Bomb and nail a 3.
( o ) ( o )
*
V
It’s performance art
Oh, I get it, its a naked woman after a very serious, fatal car crash!
Jayne Mansfield, perhaps?
Picasso’s take on her, yes.
What exactly is wrong with Seattle’s offense? I don’t get it.
Zionist plot.
Juice made the o-line shitty!
Eli’s dilemma.
Ok, the sauce is simmering, the bread is in the oven, fresh pasta is drying and I’m fucking wiped out.
This will be fucking delicious but kids, maybe don’t try this at home.
Boy, Sunday Gravy sure is different during the season!
That’s how you can tell it’s a Vikings bye week.
Elliot with the score…no “feed me” bullshit.
THERE IS A SANTA CLAUSE!!!!
Dak’s gonna have to carry this whole damned team this whole damned game.
I would have preferred he carry that last yard hisself.
Cousins literally passing the ball off is the most hilarious thing I’ve seen in a while.