Your “I’ve Seen Better Lineups At Walmart” Sunday Afternoon Football Open Thread

I can’t say that any of these games are that compelling to me. Will that stop me from eye-balling the hell out of these fixtures? You know the answer. What the hell else is there to do on a Sunday? Church? This isn’t the 1950’s when attendance was compulsory. No, the days of the bat-wielding Anti-Sin Squads bashing down your door and forcing you to eat all the pages of Genesis without a glass of water are long gone. So if we’re not headed to church, where are we headed? TO THE GAMES!

Cin/Jax: Here’s two teams with a bunch of 3’s and 4’s in their records. According to a certain advanced stat by the name of DVOA, (“Divided Villagers Over Alabama”) them Jags have an extraordinarily tough secondary. Thing is, they’re also in possession of a run D that has many of the attributes of a wet paper bag. Rb Mixon likes that whole “dead last in rushing yards allowed” thingy.

Den/Phi: Denver hasn’t won on the road and Philly hasn’t lost at home. There. [wipes hands] Done. I’m guessing newest Eagle Ajayi gets a handful of touches but that’s about it. Brock Lobster is going down, down, down. The Broncs qb situation is called The Big Muddy.

TB/NO: Five wins in a row vs. four losses in a row. Saints DC Dennis Allen righted a heretofore wonky D and now the hits just keep coming-over the course of the win streak they’ve given up an average of less than 160 yds. through the air. Rook cb Lattimore has been a lockdown beast, giving up a mere 6 catches for 75 yards so far this year.

Ind/Hou: The Texans answer to their owners verbal shenanigans last week was to gracelessly collapse against the Seahawks. Things get better in the form of the godawful Clippity Clops dropping by for a visit. There’s a new football movie being shopped around Hollywood these days, the working title is said to be “The Immortal Football Life of Frank Gore”.

Atl/Car: Qb’s Ryan and Cam are brothers in the struggle for more consistency in their overall play. They’ve gathered up 17 intercepts between them. Although both O’s are above average, much more was expected. The winner stays within a game of the Saints and the loser is mostly mired in the morass that is “they can make the playoffs if a, b, c, d and q happens”.

LAR/NYG: Most pundits would have swapped these records around had they been asked to predict how these teams would be halfway through. I guess that’s why they play the stupid games on the sked, eh? The Giants are a fat mess-how do you end up with a longer injury list after the bye week? The general consensus is that the stubborn McAdoo is way in over his head/has lost the locker room/will be shown the door at the end of the year. Meanwhile, under wonderboy McVay the Rammers have more than doubled their scoring average of 14 points last season.

Bal/Ten: The Black Sheep game of the one o’clock spot, both offenses are terrible to watch. The Titans need to hand the ball over to rb Henry-that kid is an explosive talent.

There’s work to be done, gents.

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litre_cola
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That is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life.

Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

AND people who are the angriest at inconsequential things. “The world is burning down around me, but fucking hipsters, AMIRIGHT?!?”

Gratliff
Member

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Damnit, we were ONE DAY AWAY from it finally being the right time for this country to talk about gun control.

herodotus450
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herodotus450
Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

This guy is a goddamn oven, churning out hot takes left and right.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Well…no so much left…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

But I expect he’d be okay with your use of the term “oven”.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

This guy’s political statements are mostly trite, but I did love the tweet where he took a picture of three likely Turkish teens just standing around a Stockholm plaza and wept about his poor country being lost.

(He’s actually British, I think.)

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

I have no idea who this guy is, I just clicked on #Texas on twitter and this was one of the first juicy ones I saw.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

It’s occurred me I shouldn’t know who any of these folks are either, but alas, that Pandora’s box was opened long ago.

hippofant
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hippofant

Wanna see a replay of that last Texans play. Hopkins was doubled. They had a RB out in the slot against an LB, two one-on-ones up top, and it looked like Savage was looking at Hopkins the whole time.

Romonobyl
Member

Tom Savage everyone…

Redshirt
Member

Two WRs in the same area, Texans?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Flooding the zone is a staple from Houston’s playbook.

Romonobyl
Member

And it’s architectural landscaping.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

[laughs at Eagles-Broncos score]

[realizes Raiders will be playing them this year too]

[also Raiders defense is, to put it mildly, not as good as Denver’s]

Redshirt
Member

Draw run here. If you fail, call the timeout.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

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Romonobyl
Member

Texans(?) making a game of it.

Redshirt
Member

Tom Savage…doing good?

Redshirt
Member

Well, for a drive at least.

Romonobyl
Member

Far too little, way too late.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Member
Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, it IS against Indy.

hippofant
Member
hippofant

NOPED

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

I’m going to log onto Twitter for exactly 60 seconds to see if looking at it will literally burn off my eyebrows.

Gratliff
Member

The flood of thoughts and prayers awaits

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

I’m expecting shit far, far hotter.

Bortleback
Member
Bortleback

Thoughts and prayers and absolutely no attempt to prevent it from happening again

Redshirt
Member

R/D: Wall!/Guns!
D/R: Don’t politicize it!

Gratliff
Member

This is venturing into “Eagle Flag Avatar Twitter Rando Response” levels of wrong.

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

I tried to find a Ben Shapiro tweet for everyone to laugh at, but alas I could not find any at the moment.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

The only good thing about Ben Shapiro tweets is that by holding my nose while reading them aloud I can sound exactly like Ben Shapiro.

Sucking half a tank of helium would work as well.

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

This tweet, where he compares people’s inability to afford health care to furniture shopping, is especially ridiculous.
https://twitter.com/benshapiro/status/817968543211790336?lang=en

Bortleback
Member
Bortleback

I don’t know who Ben Shapiro is, but what is wrong with him?!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

Former Breitbart writer who was firmly in the anti-Trump camp. He’s written a few terrible books and is either on AM radio now or has a podcast where he rails against safe spaces and dissects rap music to point out how terrible it is.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

I think *Senator* Ron Johnson’s comment on the essential needs of sustaining life (food, shelter, medical care, etc) being privileges rather than rights is substantially worse even if it’s a riff on the same idea. Both ignore the conclusion of those arguments: how can you really have a right to life if you everything you need to live isn’t a right?

Viva La Tabula Raza
Member
Viva La Tabula Raza

I don’t guess the Falcons are going back to the Super Bowl this year.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I like how at no point in that StateFarm commercial did Aaron Rodgers visit his family.

Romonobyl
Member

Or a “girlfriend”.

King Hippo
Member

Hippo REALLY needs Balmer to go for the FG first. Pretty please?

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

“First”

That made me laugh.

Redshirt
Member

Jaguars are trying to run up the score.

Redshirt
Member

Goal line formation, Linebackers are five yards off the line of scrimmage.

I may have noticed a slight flaw in the Bengals formation.

Romonobyl
Member

They watch a lot of soccer.

Senor Weaselo
Member

I take it the Giants are not very good.

Romonobyl
Member

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King Hippo
Member

garbage Donks D/ST!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I’ll take it. Believe me.

Still getting rid of those chumps first chance i get tho.

Redshirt
Member

This game feels like it should be 46-7 Jaguars.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

The only way that score makes sense for the Jaguars is if you are describing their performance in a one day test match of cricket.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

[that is actually a very good joke if you know how cricket scores work]

Romonobyl
Member

False. There has never been a single individual, living or dead, that understands how cricket is scored.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Member
Viva La Tabula Raza

Now local coverage of the church slaughter has pre-empted the Texans game. I’m not going to make any obvious statements.
Edit: and of course Texans scored a TD during the breakaway.

Romonobyl
Member

just made national news, this looks bad.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

The rhetoric around this issue in particular illustrates how people have come to believe how utterly powerless they are and that government doesn’t actually do anything to serve them anymore.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

I’ll add their belief is correct and that we’re basically a plutocracy that masquerades as a democratic republic.

Romonobyl
Member

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Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

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herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

New idea: let people buy guns, but only sell blanks instead of real ammo. Everyone will just think they’re a terrible shot and will be too embarrassed to go on a shooting rampage.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Member
Viva La Tabula Raza

Or like the comedian said, just charge $1000 each for bullets.

Romonobyl
Member

“Guns don’t kill people, bullets do. The gun just makes them go really, really fast.”

Redshirt
Member

1. Keep the guns for protection but get rid of the full auto. If you need to fire multiple shots, you suck at a hunter.
2. If you sell a gun illegally that is used in a massacre, you are guilty of aiding and abetting.

Gratliff
Member

Denver desperately trying to not score

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

But they’re making it look very easy.

Romonobyl
Member

Go with your strengths.

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

It’s not that hard when you’re starting the Brock Lobster.

Redshirt
Member

You know, I’m start to think the Bengals kind of suck.

litre_cola
Member

Mrs Cola is a Bengals fan. She knows they suck. She imitated Hill today and didn’t put on the jersey. Hill is also her maiden name.

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Updates jokespreadsheetUntitled.xlsx under the “Wife Comeback” column for litre_cola with “That’s a Hill you can be proud to die on” for the next time he brags about something his wife does for him.

litre_cola
Member

Well played.

King Hippo
Member

Engram grabageDOWN, that’s what I’m talkin about

litre_cola
Member

THAT IS THE FUCKING BUSINESS

Romonobyl
Member

Tom Savage. Not impressive with the quarterbacking.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Member
Viva La Tabula Raza

How the hell did that guy beat out Watson for the starting job in training camp???

Redshirt
Member

Old school idea is to let Rookie QBs sit the first year and learn and absorb.

Gratliff
Member

This is gonna see a lot of use
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS!

Redshirt
Member

They didn’t call that a catch, did they?

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

But is that a catch? Ball’s not on the ground…

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

King Hippo
Member

stupid Ratbirds

Gratliff
Member

Holy shit, Julio. What the fuck was that?

Viva La Tabula Raza
Member
Viva La Tabula Raza

8 punts, a missed FG, and a defensive TD. Nice job Texans.

litre_cola
Member

He shoulda really caught that, maybe the ball was icy…..

/I will leave now

Dick E. Phuck
Member
Dick E. Phuck

Juilo Jrops

Viva La Tabula Raza
Member
Viva La Tabula Raza

Jaw dropped, too.

Dunstan
Member
Dunstan

Alex Smith tied with Tom Brady for TD passes. I . . . . don’t know how to feel about that.

Redshirt
Member

This occurred in a video game. Then my Xbox promptly Red Ringed of Death.

litre_cola
Member

Falcons Cams game has been very entertaining.

Gratliff
Member

Brocktober is officially over

Bortleback
Member
Bortleback

For those about to Brock……our condolences

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur
Member
Spur

What happened to Winston?

King Hippo
Member

shoulder boo boo

Dunstan
Member
King Hippo
Member

Liking my “team under” bet on Flacco

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I NEED TO GO TO MY HAPPY PLACE NOW!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

Apologies to the Broncos fans but imagine my delight upon coming home after a trip to the grocery store to find that CBS had changed games because Philadelphia-Denver was such a blowout.

King Hippo
Member

I was plenty mentally prepared for it

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mother Puncher
Member
Mother Puncher

Just crawled out of the basement for the first of tonight’s many tornado warnings. So how’s —

*Jacksonville returns punt*

:: goes back in basement::

Gratliff
Member

Oh Bungles

herodotus450
Member
herodotus450

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I wish this Video fellow would set his sights on Colin Cowherd.

Spur
Member
Spur

that was so Cincy

Redshirt
Member

Welp.

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