Your “I’ve Seen Better Lineups At Walmart” Sunday Afternoon Football Open Thread

I can’t say that any of these games are that compelling to me. Will that stop me from eye-balling the hell out of these fixtures? You know the answer. What the hell else is there to do on a Sunday? Church? This isn’t the 1950’s when attendance was compulsory. No, the days of the bat-wielding Anti-Sin Squads bashing down your door and forcing you to eat all the pages of Genesis without a glass of water are long gone. So if we’re not headed to church, where are we headed? TO THE GAMES!

Cin/Jax: Here’s two teams with a bunch of 3’s and 4’s in their records. According to a certain advanced stat by the name of DVOA, (“Divided Villagers Over Alabama”) them Jags have an extraordinarily tough secondary. Thing is, they’re also in possession of a run D that has many of the attributes of a wet paper bag. Rb Mixon likes that whole “dead last in rushing yards allowed” thingy.

Den/Phi: Denver hasn’t won on the road and Philly hasn’t lost at home. There. [wipes hands] Done. I’m guessing newest Eagle Ajayi gets a handful of touches but that’s about it. Brock Lobster is going down, down, down. The Broncs qb situation is called The Big Muddy.

TB/NO: Five wins in a row vs. four losses in a row. Saints DC Dennis Allen righted a heretofore wonky D and now the hits just keep coming-over the course of the win streak they’ve given up an average of less than 160 yds. through the air. Rook cb Lattimore has been a lockdown beast, giving up a mere 6 catches for 75 yards so far this year.

Ind/Hou: The Texans answer to their owners verbal shenanigans last week was to gracelessly collapse against the Seahawks. Things get better in the form of the godawful Clippity Clops dropping by for a visit. There’s a new football movie being shopped around Hollywood these days, the working title is said to be “The Immortal Football Life of Frank Gore”.

Atl/Car: Qb’s Ryan and Cam are brothers in the struggle for more consistency in their overall play. They’ve gathered up 17 intercepts between them. Although both O’s are above average, much more was expected. The winner stays within a game of the Saints and the loser is mostly mired in the morass that is “they can make the playoffs if a, b, c, d and q happens”.

LAR/NYG: Most pundits would have swapped these records around had they been asked to predict how these teams would be halfway through. I guess that’s why they play the stupid games on the sked, eh? The Giants are a fat mess-how do you end up with a longer injury list after the bye week? The general consensus is that the stubborn McAdoo is way in over his head/has lost the locker room/will be shown the door at the end of the year. Meanwhile, under wonderboy McVay the Rammers have more than doubled their scoring average of 14 points last season.

Bal/Ten: The Black Sheep game of the one o’clock spot, both offenses are terrible to watch. The Titans need to hand the ball over to rb Henry-that kid is an explosive talent.

There’s work to be done, gents.

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litre_cola

That is the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

AND people who are the angriest at inconsequential things. “The world is burning down around me, but fucking hipsters, AMIRIGHT?!?”

Gratliff

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck
Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

This guy’s political statements are mostly trite, but I did love the tweet where he took a picture of three likely Turkish teens just standing around a Stockholm plaza and wept about his poor country being lost.

(He’s actually British, I think.)

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

I have no idea who this guy is, I just clicked on #Texas on twitter and this was one of the first juicy ones I saw.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

It’s occurred me I shouldn’t know who any of these folks are either, but alas, that Pandora’s box was opened long ago.

herodotus450
herodotus450
Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

This guy is a goddamn oven, churning out hot takes left and right.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well…no so much left…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

But I expect he’d be okay with your use of the term “oven”.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Damnit, we were ONE DAY AWAY from it finally being the right time for this country to talk about gun control.

hippofant
hippofant

Wanna see a replay of that last Texans play. Hopkins was doubled. They had a RB out in the slot against an LB, two one-on-ones up top, and it looked like Savage was looking at Hopkins the whole time.

Romonobyl

Tom Savage everyone…

Redshirt

Two WRs in the same area, Texans?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Flooding the zone is a staple from Houston’s playbook.

Romonobyl

And it’s architectural landscaping.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[laughs at Eagles-Broncos score]

[realizes Raiders will be playing them this year too]

[also Raiders defense is, to put it mildly, not as good as Denver’s]

Redshirt

Draw run here. If you fail, call the timeout.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Romonobyl

Texans(?) making a game of it.

hippofant
hippofant

NOPED

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, it IS against Indy.

Redshirt

Tom Savage…doing good?

Redshirt

Well, for a drive at least.

Romonobyl

Far too little, way too late.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I’m going to log onto Twitter for exactly 60 seconds to see if looking at it will literally burn off my eyebrows.

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

I tried to find a Ben Shapiro tweet for everyone to laugh at, but alas I could not find any at the moment.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

The only good thing about Ben Shapiro tweets is that by holding my nose while reading them aloud I can sound exactly like Ben Shapiro.

Sucking half a tank of helium would work as well.

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

This tweet, where he compares people’s inability to afford health care to furniture shopping, is especially ridiculous.
https://twitter.com/benshapiro/status/817968543211790336?lang=en

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I think *Senator* Ron Johnson’s comment on the essential needs of sustaining life (food, shelter, medical care, etc) being privileges rather than rights is substantially worse even if it’s a riff on the same idea. Both ignore the conclusion of those arguments: how can you really have a right to life if you everything you need to live isn’t a right?

Bortleback
Bortleback

I don’t know who Ben Shapiro is, but what is wrong with him?!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Former Breitbart writer who was firmly in the anti-Trump camp. He’s written a few terrible books and is either on AM radio now or has a podcast where he rails against safe spaces and dissects rap music to point out how terrible it is.

Gratliff

The flood of thoughts and prayers awaits

Bortleback
Bortleback

Thoughts and prayers and absolutely no attempt to prevent it from happening again

Redshirt

R/D: Wall!/Guns!
D/R: Don’t politicize it!

Gratliff

This is venturing into “Eagle Flag Avatar Twitter Rando Response” levels of wrong.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I’m expecting shit far, far hotter.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I don’t guess the Falcons are going back to the Super Bowl this year.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I like how at no point in that StateFarm commercial did Aaron Rodgers visit his family.

Romonobyl

Or a “girlfriend”.

King Hippo

Hippo REALLY needs Balmer to go for the FG first. Pretty please?

theeWeeBabySeamus

“First”

That made me laugh.

Redshirt

Jaguars are trying to run up the score.

Redshirt

Goal line formation, Linebackers are five yards off the line of scrimmage.

I may have noticed a slight flaw in the Bengals formation.

Romonobyl

They watch a lot of soccer.

Senor Weaselo

I take it the Giants are not very good.

Romonobyl

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King Hippo

garbage Donks D/ST!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’ll take it. Believe me.

Still getting rid of those chumps first chance i get tho.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

This game feels like it should be 46-7 Jaguars.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The only way that score makes sense for the Jaguars is if you are describing their performance in a one day test match of cricket.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[that is actually a very good joke if you know how cricket scores work]

Romonobyl

False. There has never been a single individual, living or dead, that understands how cricket is scored.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Now local coverage of the church slaughter has pre-empted the Texans game. I’m not going to make any obvious statements.
Edit: and of course Texans scored a TD during the breakaway.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

The rhetoric around this issue in particular illustrates how people have come to believe how utterly powerless they are and that government doesn’t actually do anything to serve them anymore.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I’ll add their belief is correct and that we’re basically a plutocracy that masquerades as a democratic republic.

Romonobyl

just made national news, this looks bad.

Romonobyl

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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herodotus450
herodotus450

New idea: let people buy guns, but only sell blanks instead of real ammo. Everyone will just think they’re a terrible shot and will be too embarrassed to go on a shooting rampage.

Redshirt

1. Keep the guns for protection but get rid of the full auto. If you need to fire multiple shots, you suck at a hunter.
2. If you sell a gun illegally that is used in a massacre, you are guilty of aiding and abetting.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Or like the comedian said, just charge $1000 each for bullets.

Romonobyl

“Guns don’t kill people, bullets do. The gun just makes them go really, really fast.”

Gratliff

Denver desperately trying to not score

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

It’s not that hard when you’re starting the Brock Lobster.

Romonobyl

Go with your strengths.

theeWeeBabySeamus

But they’re making it look very easy.

Redshirt

You know, I’m start to think the Bengals kind of suck.

litre_cola

Mrs Cola is a Bengals fan. She knows they suck. She imitated Hill today and didn’t put on the jersey. Hill is also her maiden name.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Updates jokespreadsheetUntitled.xlsx under the “Wife Comeback” column for litre_cola with “That’s a Hill you can be proud to die on” for the next time he brags about something his wife does for him.

litre_cola

Well played.

King Hippo

Engram grabageDOWN, that’s what I’m talkin about

litre_cola

THAT IS THE FUCKING BUSINESS

Romonobyl

Tom Savage. Not impressive with the quarterbacking.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

How the hell did that guy beat out Watson for the starting job in training camp???

Redshirt

Old school idea is to let Rookie QBs sit the first year and learn and absorb.

Gratliff

This is gonna see a lot of use
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Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

herodotus450
herodotus450

But is that a catch? Ball’s not on the ground…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS!

Redshirt

They didn’t call that a catch, did they?

King Hippo

stupid Ratbirds

Gratliff

Holy shit, Julio. What the fuck was that?

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

8 punts, a missed FG, and a defensive TD. Nice job Texans.

litre_cola

He shoulda really caught that, maybe the ball was icy…..

/I will leave now

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

Juilo Jrops

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Jaw dropped, too.

Dunstan
Dunstan

Alex Smith tied with Tom Brady for TD passes. I . . . . don’t know how to feel about that.

Redshirt

This occurred in a video game. Then my Xbox promptly Red Ringed of Death.

litre_cola

Falcons Cams game has been very entertaining.

Gratliff

Brocktober is officially over

Bortleback
Bortleback

For those about to Brock……our condolences

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur
Spur

What happened to Winston?

King Hippo

shoulder boo boo

King Hippo

Liking my “team under” bet on Flacco

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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I NEED TO GO TO MY HAPPY PLACE NOW!!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Apologies to the Broncos fans but imagine my delight upon coming home after a trip to the grocery store to find that CBS had changed games because Philadelphia-Denver was such a blowout.

King Hippo

I was plenty mentally prepared for it

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Mother Puncher
Mother Puncher

Just crawled out of the basement for the first of tonight’s many tornado warnings. So how’s —

*Jacksonville returns punt*

:: goes back in basement::

Gratliff

Oh Bungles

herodotus450
herodotus450

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I wish this Video fellow would set his sights on Colin Cowherd.

Spur
Spur

that was so Cincy

Redshirt

Welp.

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