Your “I’ve Seen Better Lineups At Walmart” Sunday Afternoon Football Open Thread

I can’t say that any of these games are that compelling to me. Will that stop me from eye-balling the hell out of these fixtures? You know the answer. What the hell else is there to do on a Sunday? Church? This isn’t the 1950’s when attendance was compulsory. No, the days of the bat-wielding Anti-Sin Squads bashing down your door and forcing you to eat all the pages of Genesis without a glass of water are long gone. So if we’re not headed to church, where are we headed? TO THE GAMES!

Cin/Jax: Here’s two teams with a bunch of 3’s and 4’s in their records. According to a certain advanced stat by the name of DVOA, (“Divided Villagers Over Alabama”) them Jags have an extraordinarily tough secondary. Thing is, they’re also in possession of a run D that has many of the attributes of a wet paper bag. Rb Mixon likes that whole “dead last in rushing yards allowed” thingy.

Den/Phi: Denver hasn’t won on the road and Philly hasn’t lost at home. There. [wipes hands] Done. I’m guessing newest Eagle Ajayi gets a handful of touches but that’s about it. Brock Lobster is going down, down, down. The Broncs qb situation is called The Big Muddy.

TB/NO: Five wins in a row vs. four losses in a row. Saints DC Dennis Allen righted a heretofore wonky D and now the hits just keep coming-over the course of the win streak they’ve given up an average of less than 160 yds. through the air. Rook cb Lattimore has been a lockdown beast, giving up a mere 6 catches for 75 yards so far this year.

Ind/Hou: The Texans answer to their owners verbal shenanigans last week was to gracelessly collapse against the Seahawks. Things get better in the form of the godawful Clippity Clops dropping by for a visit. There’s a new football movie being shopped around Hollywood these days, the working title is said to be “The Immortal Football Life of Frank Gore”.

Atl/Car: Qb’s Ryan and Cam are brothers in the struggle for more consistency in their overall play. They’ve gathered up 17 intercepts between them. Although both O’s are above average, much more was expected. The winner stays within a game of the Saints and the loser is mostly mired in the morass that is “they can make the playoffs if a, b, c, d and q happens”.

LAR/NYG: Most pundits would have swapped these records around had they been asked to predict how these teams would be halfway through. I guess that’s why they play the stupid games on the sked, eh? The Giants are a fat mess-how do you end up with a longer injury list after the bye week? The general consensus is that the stubborn McAdoo is way in over his head/has lost the locker room/will be shown the door at the end of the year. Meanwhile, under wonderboy McVay the Rammers have more than doubled their scoring average of 14 points last season.

Bal/Ten: The Black Sheep game of the one o’clock spot, both offenses are terrible to watch. The Titans need to hand the ball over to rb Henry-that kid is an explosive talent.

There’s work to be done, gents.

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Redshirt

Tornado Watch? In November?!

You gotta love Ohio Weather.

Dick E. Phuck

Fournette inactive because Jags are dumb.

King Hippo

Oumar Niasse scored a goal after being (cleanly) tackled with his ass as he went to ground. It was very Everton. Still 1-2

Dick E. Phuck

Turnovers, Hot takes, Shitloads of ads, who’s ready for some football!? I know I am.

Gratliff

Eagles actually playing on a local station, so no RedZone this afternoon. Gonna have to gird my loins for the commercials.

Spur

Carson is a girls name.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/mutes TV because….Joe Buck

Spur

Ajayi looks like idiot in that Eagles uniform. He should wear a Boise uni.

Doktor Zymm

I wish 401ks were as smart as dogs, and you could train them to rollover

laserguru

You basically have to sit back and hope they don’t shit on the carpet too.

Redshirt

Jeremy Hill’s inactive?! Then he won’t start each halfs’ opening three-and-out!

ITS A MIRACLE!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Based on his play, I don’t feel like the “inactive” designation does anything to distinguish today from any other Sunday.

Spur

Donks must make Gritty QB pay today. If Von Miller can hit him so hard his collarbone liquefies that would make me sad, I mean i would be sad every time i would watch the replay.

Fronkenshteen

My money league opponent still hasn’t replaced Ertz. Hee!

Doktor Zymm

Even if I do still own an HD antenna, I’m not going to find it in the next 15 minutes. I might end up going illegal stream

theeWeeBabySeamus

R. Kelly approves.

ballsofsteelandfury

Are there really no Radio Shacks or Wal-Marts or Targets in your neighborhood?

Doktor Zymm

There are, but I have no inclination to put on pants or similar for leaving the house purposes

Viva La Tabula Raza

Are there any Radio Shacks left anywhere?

ballsofsteelandfury

Still one within two miles of me…

Viva La Tabula Raza

Every single one in San Antonio shows “permanently closed” on the googly map, although there is a District Office showing as well. Guess they don’t have a lot to do there at the district office…

Redshirt

NFL: “I don’t understand why the ratings are going down. It doesn’t make sense.”
NFL Minion: “Boss, some college student in Maine is watching the Falcons-Panthers game online.”
NFL: “UNLEASH THE LAWLERS!!!”

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m digging the winter girls in skirts and long boots look.

theeWeeBabySeamus

You scare me sometimes. I had that same thought less than 20 minutes ago.

Redshirt

I would like to thank the NFL players for choosing to choose the National Anthem as the act you’ll protest. Not something simple like peeling off your helmet decals or something.

Only saying because my father only has a few years left in life, and he’s decided to quit watching the NFL. I respect the cause behind the protest, but thanks for taking away one thing that connected me and my father.

ballsofsteelandfury

My dad stopped watching a couple of years ago. He reached the point I did earlier. He is much wiser than I.
Now, he watches soccer all the time. Maybe your dad can…
/gets shot by Redshirt

Spur

Die Eagles Die

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– Moritz Böhringer

Redshirt

♪ On to Purgatory. ♪ (Die! Die! Die!)

ballsofsteelandfury

I really like Rex on Sunday Countdown.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I really like Rex on Sunday Countdown.

– Mrs. Ryan as she delivers Chunky soup to Rob on a TV stand in the basement

Fronkenshteen

So who’s it gonna be? Yeldon? Ivory? Or the dreaded 50/50 split?
Who gets the goal line work? DAMN YOU UNSEEABLE FUTURE!!

King Hippo

I’d go Yeldon

Fronkenshteen

Already in there. Now let’s all watch DeMarcus Robinson go 8/128/2 on my bench.
/thanks

herodotus450

Is there any analysis of Bye Week placement in the season and ultimate season success i.e. playoff depth? Probably not as significant as the “Does your team suck” variable.

Doktor Zymm

I’m guessing there’s not enough data to give a good answer to that.

herodotus450

Can’t tell if they averaged some averages to make this table (the bottom line at least) but otherwise it looks like some perfectly cromulent data from which to make wild conclusions.
https://www.sbnation.com/nfl/2014/9/26/6838463/nfl-bye-weeks-significance-effect

Doktor Zymm

I meant that there’s probably not enough variation in the data and within teams to give a meaningful answer. Notice they don’t perform any sort of t-test or do any actual statistics, they just calculate averages and note that they are slightly different.

ballsofsteelandfury

Thanks to you good people, I have replaced Leonard Fournette and Zach Ertz with…bodies.

It’s better than nothing. But really, thanks!

Viva La Tabula Raza

“You play FF with the players you have, not the players you might want or wish to have at a later time.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s all about the unknown unknowns

King Hippo

Holy fuckballs, are Everton ever shite. It gets worse with every match I see.

Doktor Zymm

Also HOLY SHIT GUYS, I almost forgot!

HAPPY GUY FAWKES DAY EVERYONE!

JustStopDude

God I hate that stupid V for Vendetta movie.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I did enjoy the graphic novel upon which it was based, however.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I bet the porn parody was good, though.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[wonders who this “Guy Fox” fellow is]

– TAWMMMY

Doktor Zymm

This was my Facebook status 8 years ago today :
Knowledge = power = work/time = work/money = work/√(all evil) = ΔEk/√(all evil) Thus rearranging terms we find that all evil is the amount of kinetic energy it takes to gain one unit of knowledge, squared

theeWeeBabySeamus

I WAS TOLD THERE WOULD BE NO MATH REQUIREMENT!!!!!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“No, you were told ‘no substitutions’…”

– an Arby’s manager in suburban Missouri, attempting to mediate a dispute between a cashier and one of the restaurant’s regulars

herodotus450

In this country we play by MLS rules, not La Liga!

ballsofsteelandfury

I can see why they hired you at Facebook.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

What does that equation have to do with her ability to sell advertising space to Russian troll farms?

King Hippo

Strong Doktor!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Calculus is too much work for me. Calculus word problems are the worst.

herodotus450

8/10, forgot to apply Lorentz Transformation or specify that results are only applicable to Newtonian time/sizes.

King Hippo

Laplace transforms or GTFO

Petronel

And another piece of the GUT falls quietly into place, like a leaf into a stream.

So, does this mean that, if someone exercises while watching educational TV, s/he/it become evil faster? (Asking for a friend.)

King Hippo

hey, I put actual moneys on the Tomsulas today. In case you are called to testify at my involuntary commitment proceedings.

Petronel

It kind of makes sense, actually. If we’re going to win ONE game this season (to hose our chances at the #1 pick), it would be against the Cards. So yeah, I’m on board with that.

That said, I’ll make sure I have at least one clean respectable-looking outfit on standby.

Redshirt

That looks like one of theorems the Anti-Life Equation is based off of.

Viva La Tabula Raza

It occurs to me that, instead of performing the national anthem before the games, the NFL should have the players go out on the field and do a Haka like they do in rugby. That would be fucking awesome.

litre_cola

I took Mrs cola to the all blacks v oz on our honeymoon. It gives you chills

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It gives you chills

“So…very…cold…”

Lawrence Tynes, watching an All-Blacks game on TV.

Viva La Tabula Raza

This is one of my favorites.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_WEP9ZkpS4

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So I went and saw Ragnarok yesterday. It was fun. Chris HGHemsworth makes for a good Thor.

Gratliff

Tom Hiddleston’s Loki is so good.

Spur

Brown Sugar
comment image

Redshirt

Not the best Marvel Studios movie, but definitely the most entertaining.

Gratliff

Oh no. Zack Ertz is out. Season over.

theeWeeBabySeamus

So is Janeane Garofalo playing today or what?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Probably not, but she can deliver cutting sarcastic passive aggressive remarks.
Besides, it’s the Niners so could anyone tell the difference?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I haven’t seen such savage cuts since Shanahan was coaching in Denver.

herodotus450

Not sure if this still works, but it’s a site which tries to calculate your reception of OTA tv signals based on address.
https://www.tvfool.com/?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=29

Doktor Zymm

Nice! It looks like I should be good for major network affiliates. Hope that’s accurate, I’ll report back whenever I know

King Hippo

I will never not have cable. As cheap as I am with everything else, teevee is all I really have as as shut-in. Especially sportsball.

Doktor Zymm

I’m paying to get ESPN and some other cable channels from Sling, but I have a philosophical objection to paying an extra $20 or something a month for broadcast channels (and still not getting CBS, cause they don’t participate in streaming)

King Hippo

yeah, that is weird

Doktor Zymm

Annoyingly enough, I have no idea whether or not I still have an HD antenna to watch broadcast games, and if I do still have one, no idea where it is

herodotus450

Well if you’re a scrub who has wire coat hangers, then you can just spend all afternoon to make one:
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/Tried it once, didn’t work as advertised.

Doktor Zymm

In my unpacking mess, I actually DO know where my wire cutters are. However, still not gonna do this.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I did that once too and found that the part I bought from Radio Shack to connect it to the coax was vastly more important than the antenna part.

herodotus450

Yeah, having an amplifier/orwhatever helps a lot. But then you need to plug the whole thing into an outlet as well.

Spur

DFO quickly turned in a ANTIFA website. Now we’re posting IED instructions.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I just returned the one I ordered from Amazon because it only gave me Spanish and Jesusy channels

Doktor Zymm

The one I had a couple years ago was pretty good. It even got CBS sometimes, and CBS uses some sort of shitty North Korean line of sight broadcasting technology

Fronkenshteen

Ertz: OUT.

Fronkenshteen

Same here.

litre_cola

This hurtz

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, Redshirt, here’s some good news for you:

https://twitter.com/Jaguars/status/927211008669732864

Redshirt

comment image

Viva La Tabula Raza

Leonard Fournette benched. JAX/CIN now promises to be even more mediocre.

laserguru

I almost bet on Jacksonville but changed my mind to Atlanta at the last minute.
Thank you gambling gods.

King Hippo

I woulda but the line had moved to 6.5

litre_cola

Made it to the pub. Stupid liquor laws. No booze til 10 am

Spur

State Rights!

litre_cola

Provincial but yeah. At least 75 people here already and the match hasnt started.

King Hippo

noon here. Jeebus hates Lesser Footy

Spur

So does Hunt gash the Cowboys for 200 or 300 total yards today?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

If you’re going to use the word “gash” then please use “K Hunt.”

King Hippo

preferred nomenclautre, please, dude

Spur

Folks

Redshirt

Mammal.

Redshirt

Liberal Commercial: “Call you Congressman, tell them that not to cut taxes to add to our national debt.”
Me: “Fine. While we’re at it, lets take a look at the entitlements to bring down the debt.”
Liberal Commercial: “Now, hold on a minute, let’s not do anything hasty.”

herodotus450

Not like those Republicans and their pledge to Grover Norquist to always put Country above Party and be open to compromise on tax cuts. Oh wait. That’s the opposite of what happened.

...

Still not as insufferable as the Rauner and Pritzker ads I’m seeing already in Illinois.

Fronkenshteen

Josh Gordon will play weeks 13-17. What are the chances he’ll be anywhere near as good as he was?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

High enough that he’s on my bench and low enough to not make a difference.

Which is also how Josh Gordon’s weekend went.

Redshirt

Knowing Cleveland, they’ll probably put him in a halfway house over a bar.

Redshirt

Let’s see. The Bengals’ Offensive Line has about the same quality of protection as an old screen door with a rusty latch, and their opponent today has the nickname “Sacksonville”. Well, that’s…that’s just terrific. I guess “QB Widow Makers” and “Ginga Killas” were taken.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS JACKSONVILLE DEFENSE I CALL THEM SKYLINE CHILI BECAUSE THEY’RE GIVING EVERYONE IN CINCINNATI THE RUNS

Redshirt

THAT IS FALSE! The pounds of Cheddar Cheese they put on top the coneys and 3-, 4- and 5-ways actually cause the opposite effect.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

To be fair to Seamus, I also didn’t know it was daylight savings time and assumed I should be more tired than I am given how late I was up trying and failing to evacuate last night’s BBQ.

laserguru

I was going to use the extra hour to wash my car but it’s raining.

Fuck it, I’m going back to sleep.

Fronkenshteen

My last comment didn’t survive Moderation. Did I do a bad?

King Hippo

is weird, don’t see anything in “pending moderation”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Maybe it was all a dream

litre_cola

The Russians have been watching you Fronk.

theeWeeBabySeamus

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!!!!!

Redshirt

That’s what usually happens with a comment goes out on its own without supervision.

King Hippo

well, this will end Arsenal’s day

King Hippo

imagine how bad that hippie van smelled

/if watching NBCSN

Fronkenshteen

Anyone else starting DeMarcus Robinson today? I’m rolling the dice.

King Hippo

nah I’m not that desperate

/starting Kenyan Drake AND one-legged Emmanuel Sanders

Fronkenshteen

My other options are D.Booker, TyMont, the aforementioned Sanders, and TJ Yeldon. I hate bye weeks.

King Hippo

trust your gut, these are all pretty meh

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I picked up Marqise Goodwin

Fronkenshteen

What a save by Cech there.

litre_cola

I have to go down to the pub for the next game. They open at 9:30 for it but can’t serve alcohol til 10 am.

Fronkenshteen

1-0 City, but could easily be 3 or 4.

King Hippo

Everton may be the only side to get points off them all season (or at least the half that’s in 2017).

/helped they were at 10 men for like 60′

theeWeeBabySeamus

What the hell time is it? Why are all of my clocks wrong?

King Hippo

seriously, the only reason I knew it was happening was Lesser Footy

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fortunately, my clock radio, DirecTV and computer all corrected themselves. Now I just gotta get motivated to care about the others. I am criticizing them openly to their faces for not being able to self-correct.

Dumb clocks.

herodotus450

“Dumb cocks…”
-Olivia Munn bemoaning her breakup.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY THEEWEEBABYSEAMUS I CALL HIM ANDY REID CAUSE HE IS VERY CONFUSED ABOUT THE CLOCK SITUATION.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GUY RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY I CALL HIM DOUG MARTIN IN AN ORCHARD CAUSE HE ONLY GOES AFTER LOW-HANGING FRUIT.

King Hippo

Thanks to the Stormin’ Mormons holding onto their 7 point loss (well, the first down made at the 4, the clock ran out), I still have play moneys to gamble. Tomsulas home dog to Drew Stanton? WHY NOT??

litre_cola

I hit the ASU, Wyoming, Boomer Sooner parlay yesterday, I too have money on the Isle of Man with my name on it.

King Hippo

I bet on Watford as reverse jinx, too. Nailed-on draw

laserguru

I’ve got a two teamer with Rams over Giants and the dirty ATL over Cam and friends.

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