Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 101)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

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The scene: The Secret Island of Doktor Zymm! Specifically, the rec room, where it’s beginning to look a lot like Moosemas. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van is on a ladder, hanging up orange and blue tinsel and…

What? Oh, yeah. The base has a rec room. It’s pretty cool. 120-inch projection TV, pinball machines, a couple of Playstation 4’s, a massive sound system…

Anyway, Marc is hanging up the tinsel and…

What? Yes, I said orange and blue. Like the Broncos. No, I don’t know where he got it. Look, I just narrate these damn things. If you want answers, you’re gonna have to ask someone else.

So, BFC is playing Madden against Jerry on the PS4 and…

What? No, they don’t have an Xbox. Why not? Well, because it’s 2017 and they’re not primitive savages! Gah!

So pretty much everyone is in the rec room. Covalent Blonde is partnered up with Ballsofsteelandfury in a heated game of ping pong against Minerva and Cupid. Sharkbait is handing Marc the tinsel. Moosemas Gorilla and Horatio Cornblower are playing pinball. And Dionysus is just entering the room, a large jug of wine in hand.

Dionysus (entering the rec room, a large jug of wine in hand): Greetings, friends! I have brought a jug of my best wine, so this party can get started!

Horatio Cornblower (looking up from pinball): Is it Moosemas Brew?

Dionysus (confused): Um…no…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (from the ladder): Like, it’s almost Moosemas, man. We’re supposed to have Moosemas Brew.

Sharkbait: Muss…piss boo?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Hey, pretty close, man!

Dionysus: I’ve never heard of Moosemas Brew. What’s in it?

Covalent Blonde (scoring on Cupid): Ha! Take that, you little creep! But yeah…we need Moosemas Brew.

Ballsofsteelandfury: It’s made from shots and beer.

Horatio Cornblower: And if you find that you go blind, there’s a little lawyer right here.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Dionysus: That sounds…horrible. Look, This wine is made from the finest grapes on Mount Olympus, and aged to perfection in my very own cellar. It is truly a drink worthy of the gods!

Ballsofsteelandfury: That actually sounds great…

Dionysus: Oh, it is! I assure you…

Ballsofsteelandfury: But it’s not Moosemas Brew. That’s kind of a tradition.

Minerva serves, the ping pong ball striking the table like a thunderbolt. Covalent Blonde returns serve and the two quickly forget their partners and engage in a veritable full-contact ping pong ball match.

Cupid: I dunno what’s da matter with youse. Dats some o’ Dion’s best stuff.

Dionysus (brightening): Why, thank you, Cupid! I just wanted to…

Cupid: But ya know, it is kinda hoity-toity. Fer a casual party, this shots an’ beer stuff sounds pretty good.

Dionysus: I really don’t know why I bother…

Cut to: Doktor Zymm’s lab (well, one of them). She is currently updating the base’s power generation grid by installing a new thermal induction unit which will gather heat from the island’s volcano.

OK, really, Hercules is installing the machinery, since it weighs several tons. Doktor Zymm is actually updating the software, and Man in Plaid #2’s head is resting on her computer table.

Doktor Zymm (scanning the readouts): All right, if you could just hold it zere another few minutes, Hercules…

Hercules (holding up a massive piece of machinery with ease): No problemo, Dok. Piece of cake. I once held up the sky, y’know.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, zo I’ve heard.

Hercules: Yeah, I was supposed to get some primo weed for dad. Like, I had to mule the stuff because Juno had caught him stoneboning Semele…you know, Dion’s mom. She threw one of her fits and threw his stash in the Acheron. That’s how it got its nickname, ‘The River of Whoa!’

Doktor Zymm: Hmmm…zis ist different from vat I have heard.

Hercules: You can blame Peisander for that. The dude was a good poet, but a real square. Anyway, Atlas knew where some killer weed was, but he was all, “Oh, I can’t tell you where it is, I have to go get it.”

Doktor Zymm (typing in a few commands): Ach! Zere ve go! Hercules, you may zet ze generator into ze vall now.

Hercules easily plugs the massive generator into a slot in the wall.

Man in Plaid #2’s Head (looking at a monitor): Well done, Doktor! This should result in at least a twenty-percent increase in power output!

Doktor Zymm: Twenty-three point zeven perzent. Vith all ze extra activity here, I zought ve vould need an upgrade.

Doktor Zymm’s phone rings, and she answers it.

Doktor Zymm: Hello? Ja, of course I remember you, Litre Cola. You are from ze Kanadisch branch, ja? Vait…vat did you zay…?

Cut to: The rec room again. It sounds like there’s machine gun fire in the room, as Covalent Blonde and Minerva’s ping pong match has reached peak ire. Cupid and Ballsofsteelandfury have wisely removed themselves from the game as the ping pong ball streaks back and forth across the table.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Man, it’s just a blur. Get in the way of that thing and you could lose a hand.

Cupid: Not this li’l godling! I need my hands…fer da ladies!

Dionysus: Uh-huh. And who was the last lady you were actually with?

Cupid (mumbling): Aw…she’s on o’ the Mesopotamiam goddesses. You guys wouldn’t know her.

Moosemas Gorilla wanders over, Horatio Cornblower on his shoulder.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook-ook!

Horatio Cornblower: No kidding, pal! The last time I saw CB moving that fast, she was chasing down that purse snatcher at the mall.

Ballsofsteelandfury: I remember that! Poor guy really grabbed the wrong purse.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook?

Horatio Cornblower: I’m sure he’s out of traction by now.

Ballsofsteelandfury: That ear’s never gonna grow back, though.

There’s a loud BANG as the ping pong ball explodes, leaving nothing but fine dust wafting through the air.

Covalent Blonde: Point!

Minerva: Hardly! That was my point.

Covalent Blonde: As if! You probably used your stupid goddess powers to blow up the ball, since you were losing!

Minerva: If you’re accusing me of cheating…

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Doktor Zymm and Hercules, carrying Man in Plaid #2’s head, burst into the rec room.

Doktor Zymm: Achtung! Ve have a problem…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (lighting up a fatty): Hey, Dok! Like, check out the Moosemas decorations, man!

Doktor Zymm: Zey are very nice, Marc, but…

Covalent Blonde: Hey, Dok, does this room have a video camera? Because we need an instant replay over here.

Doktor Zymm: Nein, I…

Sharkbait: Moos…muss pool?

Hercules (loudly): QUIET, EVERYONE!

The rec room goes silent.

Doktor Zymm: Danke, Hercules. Now, as I vas saying…

BFC (not looking up from Madden): Yo, Steve. Chill out, dude.

Jerry: Yeah, it’s almost Moosemas…whatever that is.

Doktor Zymm: Zat ist vat I am trying to say. Get ready, everyone…because zis year, ve zelebrate Moosemas…in Hell!

To be continued…

BONUS VIDEO!

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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I always wanted to believe that I wasn’t the only person who read DC’s Reign In Hell back in 2008.

Spoiler

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Doktor Zymm
Member

Aw, man, that’s an awesome line!

Just bought an HRTN T-shit, hope it arrives in time for Vegas

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I’ve got one. We can be twins.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Covalent Blonde
Member

I think we all know that if I didn’t give myself a black eye with a ping pong paddle we should just automatically call that a win.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Great, now I have to practice at Madden for more than teaching my 7 year old nephew some humility

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

I have no idea what just happened.
But I have a feeling it’s about to go south. Quickly.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST MOOSEMAS EVER!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

That ski lodge needs a new ordnance disposal guy. Pronto.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Some poor schmuck: Actually, I think if the ball fails you redo the p—
/Minerva and CB glare at that poor schmuck

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

Dammit Moose.

One of these days Imma stop believing you when you tell me there’s no film in the camera.

Romonobyl
Member

I loved that game.