We had our first significant snowfall last night/into the morning and let me tell you, I don’t miss that stuff at all. Services in my community and along the highway snowplow-wise are dying The Death of a Thousand Cuts. What this seems to mean out this way is that only the main roads are taken care of so it’s a bit of a struggle to get to them. Since I’ve never ended up in a ditch I still giggle when I happen to pass by some unfortunate putz that wasn’t driving according to the conditions. [thinks of a painfully godawful segue] You know who else isn’t driving very well lately? The Dallas Offense! HAH! Let’s go…TO THE GAME!
Dallas/Washington: This NFC East Battle Royale for second place way, way behind the Eagles is sponsored by the good folks of Montreal because it’s Just For Laughs. The winner gets the 6-6 tiara and the brief hope that they be relevant in the wild card race for another week. After Zeke took a league-mandated break the Cowboys run game has fallen apart. I mean that Alfred Morris is so bad… [looks at his yards per carry average of 5.8] Ah…so bad that they only give him 12 touches a game! Yeah, that’s it. Sure does seem that the thinking of OC Linehan changed and he said, “It’s your team, Canned Ham, let’s see what you can do!”. What the DAK!-ster has responded with is 5 picks in the last two games. If I’m not mistaken, he threw 4 all last year-so perhaps he’s a not-ready-for-prime-time player. As mentioned in this very space before, the Dacteds are suffering from a wee injury apocalypse. Captain Kirk Cousins is one of only three fellas on O that has started every game and is surprisingly (to me) second in the league in passing yards. So you fantasy dudes might want to start a certain Crowder kid at the wr spot if y’all have him. He’s given 100+ yards of O for the last 4 in a row. And double down on Sammy Perine, will you?
That was my time-now it’s yours.
Since we mentioned an autobiography, I must recommend one..
https://www.amazon.com/Daddys-Boy-Shocking-Account-Famous/dp/0385297300/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1512097262&sr=8-2&keywords=chris+elliot
A true tell all about the incredible highs and devastating lows of growing up as a massive superstar in the shadows of the great Bob Elliot.
God, the things I’d would have let her do to me when she was 74.
Not gonna lie, a hamburger switch would be kinda badass
Well done.
/sorry
Hot Take – The Avengers Infinity movie is only going to make a billion dollars.
I don’t give a hairy rat’s ass about Tiger Woods, unless he’s killing himself gruesomely on live TV.
Jerry Jones saying that he’s had more fun in 28 years in the NFL than a human should be allowed is a clear confession that he is an inhuman demon.
I don’t know if this was talked about earlier, but.
Rick Pitino has filed a wrongful termination suit against Louisville. Talk about chutzpah.
The Court will reject it as having been filed prematurely.
Guess that means I should file a wrongful termination suit against alcohol.
/sound of thundering footsteps growing increasingly loud as door flies open
KOALA CHLAMYDIA!
http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-22207442
Isn’t that the name of Beyonce’s kid?
It’s the thought that counts.
Is Dan Bailey related to Beetle?
I believe he’s the bastard son of Beetle and Ms. Blips. No one wanted to talk about it, but you could cut the sexual tension between those two with a knife.
I’m gonna stop; Rule 34.
Hmmm…Maybe “Baby It’s Cold Outside” isn’t appropriate in this sexual harassment climate..
I think they’re assuming no one listens to the words, or even better, just hums the bits between the eponymous line
She should just respond with “it’s cold inside too, baby”.
Or “here’s a jacket, get the fuck out”
We have time to get in a long-ass FG attempt. This would be happy for Hippo.
Yes, this 70 yarder would get you some points.
Is Cousins slowly turning into Jay Cutler?
APT
He’ll have to get fixed first.
Based on that sideline shot just now…maybe?
What if he turns in to Heath Shuler?
Dunno if he has the local roots to be the Demmycratic nominee in NC-11, especially in this Trumpified political climate.
Guys. GUYS! I just checked my pockets and between the couch cushions and couldn’t find a single fuck to give about this clownshow. I’m calling it a night.
Later, Taters!
But how much loose change did you find? Maybe you can purchase….no not finishing that sentence
Al is lawful hungry.
Yup, seems about right.
Collinsworth is neutral horny.
Marv Albert is Chaotic Horny and Hungry
According to the chart this is impossible.
not according to the police report
see, the “hunger” is really just a secondary aspect of his horniness. THE CHART IS INFALLIBLE. Chaotic Horny. YES!
That’s a really nice setup for the next turnover.
I’d share a pastry.
Collinsworth: “This game is a long ways from over.”
No shit ya fuckin dunce; it’s not even halftime.
He enrages me as much as waiting in lines. I would rather have any networks D team
You rang?
-Matt Lauer
Shit
Way off topic:
I recently finished a book by George Carlin’s daughter Kelly, A Carlin Home Companion: Growing Up with George. I found it just awful writing-wise, and no one comes off well at all in the book, George included.
Basically George and his wife were neglectful addicts with money who spoiled their daughter rotten, and she was on her father’s dole until the day he died. It’s funny, as I was reading it, it flew in the face of everything you know about Carlin stand-up: she went to nothing but private schools, and pretty much uses “George Carlin’s daughter” as her CV for an unremarkable career.
I’ll be honest I spent a few moments thinking, “I know she doesn’t want it to come off this way, but George is a real piece of shit.”
I’m glad it was at my library and I didn’t have to pay for it, let’s put it that way.
Some books should not be written. Or read.
Atlas Shrugged
The Bible
if you approach the old testament bible for what it is a collection of widely exaggerated historical almanac withs parables it’s not too bad.
But i don’t have to explain what happens.
My favorite discovery about Rand was that she sucked up to J. Edgar Hoover and he thought she was less than shit.
It was a weird read. You can tell she loves her parents, but she makes excuses for the behavior ad nauseam.
There’s so many anecdotes that are dripping with rich person privilege, but the one that stands out was her upbraiding an airport employee right after her father died with a “Do you know who my dad is?” diatribe because they wouldn’t comp her a 1K first-class ticket. She was in her mid-40s at the time.
The Bible comes to mind.
fuck that may be the most depressing thing I’ve learned this year
George Carlin shopped at the same pet food store as I did. That sort of makes me famous.
This reminds of the credo I use to make sense of people I admire:
There are no heroic people, only heroic actions.
I’ve said this before here but Carlin was painfully unfunny for the last several years. He was just a cranky old fuck cruising on his (admittedly genius) past taking potshots at people who didn’t have the money that he did so that they could do and say the things that he did.
His wife dying of cancer completely broke him. Went from insightfully funny, cynical but with whimsy to balance to just a ball of ass. Kind of like me (except I was never talented and I have no excuse for being a giant ball of ass).
It’s Bad for Ya came up in my head a lot because I’m thinking, “That old fuck was everything he hated and railed against in his last decade or so. He was a shitty parent, his kid is an entitled rich brat, etc.”
I know someone who saw him in Vegas circa 2000, and he said it was one of the worst shows he ever saw. Was pretty sure George was hepped up too.
Exactly
I think George Carlin is on of the most severe love/hate relationships I have ever had with a performer.
I really enjoy his humor and his standup.
I cannot fucking stand people that think he was a philosopher and they should base their lives off his sets.
I dunno, fuck hope is pretty solid gold as far as credos go.
He is both an amazing stand-up and a fucking awful parent who pretty much warped his daughter from age 7 on.
I’m fairly certain that SNL promo was a slur against the Irish, the blacks, the Black Irish, or some combination of all three.
I can’t wait for the sketch where they all claim they were American slaves.
Somewhere Phil Lynott is angry
Apparently. “Dilly Dilly” loosely translates to “Welcome to the Cleveland Browns FanZone Booth”.
This game needs a safe word.
a very racialist one
This game officially assigns itself as “Lawful Horny.”
Pocahontas.
Still can’t believe that asshole had those code talkers stand in front of the Andrew Jackson portrait.
I only hope they wiped their balls on everything, when/where possible.
I’d have dropped a deuce in a urinal at least.
THESE WASHINGTON PLAYERS I CALL THEM INCREASED HYDROSTATIC PRESSURE BECAUSE THEY BOTH CAUSE DROPSY
That’s an Andy Reid-level challenge right there. No way it’s getting overturned.
And if they’d called it a fumble there isn’t enough there to overturn that either.
give Horatio a GOLD STAR
I’ll settle for a couple more Witten TDs. Strictly for the good of the Cowboys, of course.
you’ll ask for a MorrisDOWN and 3 long Bailey FGs and you’ll fucking LIKE IT
Having checked my opponent’s line-up I will make that trade.
Monty Fucking Python man…
Chaotic Hungry, then?
THE ASSIGNMENT IS FINAL.
THAT OUT!!
NFC East games make me chaotic horny.
Who’s DAK DAK DAK’s back-up?
Nacho?
es Nacho still esta aqui? Or is it that Boise State asshole?
Amazingly, he’s on the Bears roster.
Cooper Rush
Who the tiityfuck is THAT?
Some WASP asshole?
he was a Chippewa!
Is his nickname Pocahontas?
/seriously, fuck Trump
Princeton boys dumb natural son.
Something named Cooper Rush
About time. Good job new Gritty Guy
Redacted fans:
Dallas did a good?
Yeah…something seems to have happened.
This [*Redacted] offensive line I call it Matt Lauers office as it’s an open door policy to the sack.
They need one of Lauer’s locks to keep the Cowboys D-line out.
you can enter but you can never leave
My tiny laptop that I comment on still is in Central Time. I should probably change it, but I kind of enjoy the occasional shock and confusion it causes in me
Hehehehe
Holy shit I’m amazed at how tired you all are. Not single hungry or horny person? Not one of you is down to eat and/or fuck a pie?
Why do you think I’m tired?
YOU ASSIGNED YOURSELF.
I meant, perhaps the reason that I am tired is that I’ve taken care of the other two options.
/jeeze, some people
You’re doing this thing where you point out that grid makes no sense and I will not stand for it.
https://standardsurvival.com/attachment/434d6a9846cb1c938ef34831f0b9b089f61d6a6b
There’s a certain resignation that sets in after you don’t fuck for a long enough time. And most of us have (over)eaten already. At least I have.
Plus, the tired is always dominant. Parenthood thing. You dig a hole you never get out of.
Honestly I too am usually tired and devoid of the various hungers.
Any more abortions like this half and Congress will be looking to pass a bill to defund the NFL.
look at that, running the ball helped calm down the team.
Oh Kurt III
they will draft Kurt Benkert and all will be well
Gal who works at the wine bar is going to see Brad Paisley in concert. I want to make her a sign to flash at Brad, “Please kick Peyton in the nuts.”
Where the fuck does that girl live where “walmart” reflects on her car window not backwards?
(shut up, I know it was bad grammar but you know what I mean)
Maybe Wichita?
Seems legit.
Hell?
Considering Wichita and Walmart, you might be onto something.
Isn’t hell just a big WalMart?
Or are Wal-Marts pieces of hell on earth?
Welcome to Ballmart!!!
Someone on this here website recommended the book Horrorstor a while back, good read
The upside-down?
oh snap, we get REAL SNF game??
This and the RAMMIT game are where Philly will lose again. That’s ok though.
in furthrance of the RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!! Gospel
Philly will beat them at Lincoln in Jan though!
probably. I’d be satisfied with making NFC Championship Game. Balls would TOTES buy a hat, at least.
On the injury report with a bad knee, and TWO bad ankles. SUIT UP AND GET OUT THERE!
Assign yourself.
Neutral tired. Oh so tired.
always Chaotic Tired
Lawful tired. This shitshow isn’t helping, either.
That doesn’t make sense. Hungry, Tired and Horny are not on some sort of sliding scale. You can be equally all three at once, or none of them all at once.
ASSIGN YOURSELF.
CHAOTIC IRRITATED
Better.
This also sounds legit.
Tired Horny.
/Oh that’s not an option?
//Flips back to porn tab instead of rethinking it.
Chaotic Tired at the moment
I honestly don’t care enough to be any of those. But you guys, I am usually tired.
Chaotic horny.
MDom and FDom on my browser right now.
Hell yeah. We got one.
Chaotic Horny sounds like a good time until the inevitable arrest.
“Another injury? Poor offensive line coach. He’s had to deal with so much!”
-Chris “Mother-Sucking” Collinsworth
I would crawl over broken glass to mute those cornpone Nationwide ads.
You are not alone. I want to find the people responsible and stab them in their earholes
Do you think the WAS O-line players have set up a tontine yet?
Gord Downie is still dead. That ain’t right.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6gubNCjmX-8
Man, Witten’s arms are really pink.