Your “Somebody’s Backing Into a .500 Record Tonight!” NFL Football Open Thread

We had our first significant snowfall last night/into the morning and let me tell you, I don’t miss that stuff at all. Services in my community and along the highway snowplow-wise are dying The Death of a Thousand Cuts. What this seems to mean out this way is that only the main roads are taken care of so it’s a bit of a struggle to get to them. Since I’ve never ended up in a ditch I still giggle when I happen to pass by some unfortunate putz that wasn’t driving according to the conditions. [thinks of a painfully godawful segue] You know who else isn’t driving very well lately? The Dallas Offense! HAH! Let’s go…TO THE GAME!

Dallas/Washington: This NFC East Battle Royale for second place way, way behind the Eagles is sponsored by the good folks of Montreal because it’s Just For Laughs. The winner gets the 6-6 tiara and the brief hope that they be relevant in the wild card race for another week. After Zeke took a league-mandated break the Cowboys run game has fallen apart. I mean that Alfred Morris is so bad… [looks at his yards per carry average of 5.8] Ah…so bad that they only give him 12 touches a game! Yeah, that’s it. Sure does seem that the thinking of OC Linehan changed and he said, “It’s your team, Canned Ham, let’s see what you can do!”. What the DAK!-ster has responded with is 5 picks in the last two games. If I’m not mistaken, he threw 4 all last year-so perhaps he’s a not-ready-for-prime-time player. As mentioned in this very space before, the Dacteds are suffering from a wee injury apocalypse. Captain Kirk Cousins is one of only three fellas on O that has started every game and is surprisingly (to me) second in the league in passing yards. So you fantasy dudes might want to start a certain Crowder kid at the wr spot if y’all have him. He’s given 100+ yards of O for the last 4 in a row. And double down on Sammy Perine, will you?

That was my time-now it’s yours.

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Wakezilla
Member

Well, the FIFA World Cup Draw was something that happened. For the most part, the groups are balanced. There’s no real Group of Death, which sucks.

I’m trying to figure out how Poland and Argentina were given Group champ slots. Poland isn’t the greatest and Argentina needed a borderline miracle to qualify.

Argentina and Nigeria are attached to the hip, as this is the 5th time they’ve been paired together since 1992.

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Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

This is beautiful.

makes you think pic.twitter.com/vfNyleuiz1

— Guillotine Mindset (@SocialistTaco) November 26, 2017

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

I haven’t seen cousins pounded that hard since the time I visited Alabama.

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Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

The Cousins-Alabama jokes are so old Roy Moore wouldn’t hit on it.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

He dated the joke when he was a DA in his thirties.

Beerguyrob
Member

“Blazing Saddles” is on AMC right now. It is edited beyond humour’s capacity to compensate.

I realize not all Americans are delicate flowers, but the masses inability to process dirty words is why no one can take you seriously.

Sharkbait
Member
Sharkbait

There’s no point in any Mel Brooks movie being on TV. I also saw an ad for National Lampoons Christmas Vacation to air on TV. Another one that is going to be chopped to shit.

yeah right
Member

I think where I gave up was “Son of a buck Godfather they shot him!”

It was all downhill from there

Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

Not even worth watching. Glad I own both movies.

Brick Meathook
Member
Brick Meathook

“This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!”
(a clip from the TV-PG version of The Big Lebowski)
What the YouTube posters below don’t realize is that the Coen Bros, Goodman, and Bridges intentionally came up with the ridiculous replacement dialogue.

Wakezilla
Member

I. . . can’t even fathom what Blazing Saddles would sound like if it was edited for a 2017 PC family

Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

It would start where Cleavon Little rides into town, then it cuts to the end where he and Gene Wilder head off to nowhere special.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Beerguyrob
Member

Underappreciated.

yeah right
Member

We should give Eli a cop funeral.

A fucking wake!

Beerguyrob
Member

But cops hate pudding & juice.

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

Sorry. I got distracted. What’s up?

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

OOPS. Gotta run.

yeah right
Member

One more day and a wake up.

Hell yeah, Vegas.

Wakezilla
Member

Ice Liouns’ Daniel Sedin got point 1000 tonight. He has had one hell of a career. It’s a shame most of the media out there didn’t even notice it.

Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

HoF for sure.

Wakezilla
Member

Definitely. It’ll probably take a couple of tries though.

Wakezilla
Member

Greg Zaun got fired. That’s good.

He got fired for sexual harassment. That’s not surprising. He had a rep.

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Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

There needs to be a harassment pool like a dead celebrity pool

yeah right
Member

I’ve got 200 on Letterman.

Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

No double dipping!

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Alright, night dickjokers. Gotta wake up at 6 for dental work. Can’t even take the Hippo-endorsed fun stuff since I have to go right to the office afterwards. Yaaaaay.

yeah right
Member

I do the tri annual cleaning to avoid the deep cleaning shit because that shit sucks.

Floss your teeth kids!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“And finally Weekend Update would like to congratulate Madonna, who gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last Monday. The baby weighed in at 6 pounds 9 ounces. Making it the fourth largest object ever to pass through Madonna’s birth canal.”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“In North Carolina, a legislative panel has agreed on a bill which guarantees a murder victim’s family two front-row seats to watch the execution. The ruling has angered both North Carolina’s death penalty opponents AND death penalty season ticket holders.”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“An intoxicated man was decapitated by a moving subway train, this week, after he fell off the platform while trying to show off for a woman he didn’t know. The stunt worked, and the two will be married in June.”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“In New York, state-of-the-art self-cleaning toilets may soon appear on city streets. In a survey, New Yorkers expressed their enthusiasm for the outdoor toilets, noting that they are very easy to urinate on.”

Senor Weaselo
Member

Could’ve used one today. Had a rehearsal at Riverside Church, no toilet paper in the stalls, and I was uncomfortable throughout Messiah!

Senor Weaselo
Member

(Because I held it. Not other reasons.)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Sure, sure….. way to add. We know you did the dog crawl on the carpet behind the planter.

Senor Weaselo
Member

Ass race? Ass race!

Wakezilla
Member

You need to invest in a lota. It will blow your mind

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lota_(vessel)

Brick Meathook
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Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Talk show host Ricki Lake was arrested for vandalism after demonstrating against fur. She said wearing fur was in bad taste. Then, returned to her studio to tape a show entitled ‘Why Whores Get the Clap’.”

Senor Weaselo
Member

So was it at least a decent game?

Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

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Sharkbait
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Sharkbait

Why the fuck is fireball so god damn popular?

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litre_cola
Member

It’s our #1 export!

WCS
Member

I didn’t know Fireball was Canadiaun.

Wakezilla
Member

This is why Trump is president. SMH

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

There’s no fucking way it’s Jose Cuervo.

Dolph Ucker
Member
Dolph Ucker

What’s with all the drunks in Iowa?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer was attacked and killed by another inmate this week. Just before the fight, Dahmer threatened, ‘Hey, don’t mess with me, pal. I used to eat guys like you for breakfast!'”

Romonobyl
Member

‘Night gang, glad DAKDAKDAK!!! found his groove again. See ya’s.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“A priest says that he got Jeffrey Dahmer to believe in God before he died. Asked if this would get Dahmer into Heaven, the priest said, ‘No, but it was fun to make him think so.'”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Unsurprised
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Unsurprised

It’s the most wonderful time of the year (Last year’s advent calendar videos were amazing).

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Member
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“Los Angeles Rams owner Georgia Frontiere announced this week that her football team is moving to St. Louis. The good news for the Rams is that, changing cities, the ticket sales will increase and more people will pack the stadium. The bad news for the Rams is: they will still suck.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wakezilla
Member

“Where’s the Twin Towers?”

Pete Carroll

theeWeeBabySeamus
Member

DP?

Well ok, but that’s extra.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

What is a Josh Doctson? How did one of those wiener dogs put up a decent point total against me in fantasy?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm
Member

I don’t think that’s how your supposed to make a Monte Cristo

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