AM Fútbol Open Thread with Special Guest

Editor’s Note: Three weeks ago, doorfliesopen.com parlayed a, how do you call it… Replica: exchanged an accurate replica of a Super Bowl LII media access lanyard for an interview with Quincy Jones. Attorneys for the legendary producer and arranger sent an “intent to sue” letter, to which the crack DFO visual design team made a graphic reply. Escalating displays of contempt generated mutual respect, and the interview occurred last Tuesday night. Then vulture.com scooped the salacious stuff. But we got Mr. Jones’s takes on today’s fútbol matches (or “soccer”, as Mr. Jones calls it). Here they are, with some [editing] or [clarification] for context and to save space.   

Bullshit. People talk about [fútbol] like the English game and the Spanish game are wholly different, like comparing Tin Pan Alley to Death Row [Records]. No.

La Liga : All times Central

Málaga (20^th) vs. Atlético Madrid  (2^nd) – 9:15 AM, BeIn Sports

What’s the worst thing that can happen to a musician? You’ll hear the usual: women, drugs and booze. I stopped drinking some years ago and I [alleged virtues of sobriety].

But no. The worst thing that can happen to a musician—to a performer, to any artist—is to let fans get in your head. You gotta do your thing. Let your vision come through. Atleti’s Antoine Griezman gets whistled at home for pulling back on a counter in injury time last Sunday, and he shows up the fans. Kid’s an Aries *shrugs*

In sweeter times, via giphy.com

Leganés (12 ^th) vs. Eibar (7^th) – 11:30 AM, BeIn Sports

What about you? You grin like a Cancer. No. Don’t tell me. Leganés… How’s this: second year in La Liga, lucky to survive relegation last year. Now they’re 11 points clear, solid in mid table and can tie Eibar with a win. Back when Franco was dying I went to Madrid with Herbie [Hancock] to record with Paco de Lucía. We’re walking towards the studio, and there’s Richard Feynman, just walking towards us. Herbie yells out “Hey it’s Bongo Dick!” because [story about the Manhattan Project employing members of the Duke Ellington Orchestra].

Real Madrid (?4TH!?) vs. Real Sociedad (14^th) – 1:45 PM, BeIn Sports

This is not the sort of thing I want to get out there published for everyone to read before my biography comes out. But Real Madrid is fucked: 19 points behind Barcelona and only six points clear for playing in Europe next year. The only trophy they can get this season is the Champions League, but the play upfront has been more jumbled  than Michael’s third nose.

English Premier League – All Times Central

Tottenham Hotspur (5^th) vs. Arsenal (per tradition, 6^th) – 6:30 AM

* Laughs * Too early for [fútbol] man.

Everton (10^th) vs. Crystal Palace (14^th) –  9:00 AM

Back when we were recording Thriller, I took Eddie Van Halen to Tommy Iommi’s cabin for lasagna. He was stingy with the sauce, but [meal and narcotics review].

Swansea City (17^th!) vs. Burnley (An Entrenched In Mid Table 7^th) –  9:00 AM

Tom Jones. Damn. Great singer, world class crotch.

Via dailymail.com

Stoke City (18^th) vs. Brighton and Hove Albion (13^th) –  9:00 AM

It’s crazy that any [fútbol] club from 7^th on down could face relegation this season. Not that you could tell many of them apart. Like pop music. Interchangeable, basic, very little reward. Just so we’re clear because I tell the truth: that was shade towards Le Click. Call me when you’re dead.

West Ham (Soft 12^th) vs. Watford (11^th) –  9:00 AM

Nobody would watch this. Don’t ask me about this, you cock[fútbol].

Manchester City (1^st By a Mile) vs. Leicester City (Stuck Comfortably in 8^th) 11:30 AM , NBC

Sometimes you got to finish a job first before going to more interesting projects. Guardiola has kept the team motivated in Barcelona and Bayern winning leagues and reaching Champions League—Scorpio. That’s what you are. Asshole.

************BONUS COVERAGE*************

College Basketball, U*NC @ NC State – 12:00 M Central

May U*NC get fucked, now and forever, go Wolfpack

S/O to SonOfSpam for linking the interview. It’s uh, something. Banner via Getty Images.