Hi there! Pardon me for the lapse in interviews this last month but Krokodil is a hell of a drug.
What the hell am I doing here? Why would Internet dad send me to this forsaken place? Is it a neutral site game foretold by one Allegash enthusiast P. King? Well let’s get to the hotel and see what is what.
LC- Ooh a Days Inn, our Puerto Rican overseers must be dropping some big cake for this.
Front Desk Agent Sally– Mr. Cola you have guests waiting in conference room A.
LC- Guests? Whoa there Sally, what kind of jouno would I be if I went in to this unprepared?
Sally- Yes well, you have to be the worst interviewer that I have ever read. That being said, it seems you’re having a round table with the NFL’s newest quarterback signings.
LC– Ha! A female DFO reader! Great, I would love to talk to Keenum, Cousins, etc.
Sally– Ummm those guys aren’t here. Do you have any bags to check?
LC: Nah I am travellin “A la Tomsula”, I’ll just head over and talk to them. If you want to get stoned in my room later, we will just put towels under the door so no one can smell it. It is genius and hotel workers never figure it out.
Sally: I would just use a toilet paper roll with Bounce sheets in them. Now that is genius.
LC: Thanks Sally, preroll a couple would ya?
<<DOOR FLIES OPEN>>> (1st time I got to do it!)
I enter the opulent Days Inn board room and there’s a group of large men all standing around the table. None of them are seated they are just talking amongst themselves.
LC: Hey guys! I have no idea what the reason for this but let’s do some interviewing! Hey Brock! Nice to see you again, glad to get away from ole horseface?
Osweiler (MIA 880K): Hell yeah heading down to Miami with my truckloads of money. Thank you Texans, Browns, Broncos, Dolphins!
Weeden (HOU 880K): Fuck yeah, they backed up the truck for me! That Bob McNair likes his waspy qbs!
Webb (HOU 1M): Shut up old balls this is my time here in H town!
JJohnson (OAK 1M): Holy shit, you’re still a qb? The Texans are screwed with you two clowns if Watson goes down again.
Webb : Better than you fat neck. Didn’t you fail in the CFL? How the hell did you get a job again?
Fales (MIA 700K) : Shut up Osweiler you long-necked freak, I am going to bang Tanneyhill’s wife and be a hero in South Beach.
Savage (N.O. 1.5M): Who the fuck are you? It is Savage time in New Orleans motherfuckers, strap in and get ready. Seriously though, who the fuck are you?
Litre_Cola: No, seriously Fales, who the fuck are you? I have never heard of you before in my life and some would say I have a fantasy football “problem”.
Geno Smith (LAC 1M): Tom Savage how the hell are you still in the league? Shit, how the hell are any of you still in the league?
Matt Barkley (CIN 3.3M): Yeah I am with Geno on this one, mmmm I miss Geno’s cheese steaks from Philly. I guess I will have to look forward to the local delicacies in Cinci.
McCarron (BUF 10M!): Enjoy that Skyline chili you never-was. I am heading to Buffalo with my hot wife and 10 million reasons to not go outside.
Daniel (CHI 10M): Hell yeah AJ, one problem is that you have to play! I am gettin 10 mil to hold a clipboard and bang cheerleaders.
Stanton (CLE 6.5M): Exactly! I give zero fucks that I am heading to the burning lake because they are paying me bank! I will be the one who fixes the Browns if not I ain’t care.
Henne (KC 6.7M): You’re still in the league? I never would have thought that in a million years.
Gabbert (TEN 4.0M): Easy Henne. Who did you drug to pay you that kind of money?
LC: Ok, Ok everyone sit down and we can get through this with a bit of civility.
In unison “SIT DOWN??? NO CHANCE. WE WOULDN’T BE HERE IF WE DID”
**I hope a Nevada alum wins his lawsuit. The NFL is truly embarrassing.