Your “OOOOOHHHHHH YEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!” Tuesday Night Open Thread

WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?! FERMENTEDBEVERAGEHUMANMALEROBERT HAS AWAKENED BOLTMAN FROM HIS DEEP, DARK SLUMBER WITHIN THE BOWELS OF SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION QUALCOMM JACK MURPHY STADIUM, DEMANDING HIS DECREE ON THE DAILY HAPPENINGS OF THE MORTAL WORLD OF THE ACCURSED NFL! BOLTMAN WILL ASSURE YOU ALL THAT FERMENTEDBEVERAGEHUMANMALEROBERT’S MESSENGER MET A SLOW AND PAINFUL END, AS HIS BONES WERE REMOVED AND ORGANS LIQUEFIED, BUT SINCE BOLTMAN IS ALREADY AWAKE, THIS ONE MIGHT AS WELL BRING YOU ALL THE DOOM AND DEVASTATION REQUESTED:

  • BUFFALO BILLS GUARD, DICK INVISIBLE, HAS DECREED THAT HE IS LEAVING THIS REALM AS THE FRAIL CREATURE IS CONCERNED ABOUT HIS REMAINING TIME ON THIS MORTAL COIL
    • BOLTMAN FINDS THIS MOVE TO BE FOOLISH, AS ALL HUMANS TIME ON THIS WATER COVERED AND HIGHLY CONDUCTIVE PLANET IS NEARING ITS END
      • HOWEVER, BOLTMAN DOES ENJOY THIS HUMAN’S EXTREME SELF-LOATHING AND LOOKS FORWARD TO HIM MAKING HIS WAY REMINDING OTHERS JUST EXACTLY HOW USELESS AND PATHETIC THEIR KIND IS
  • UCLA [Spits powder blue liquid on ground, which bursts into flames] QUARTEREDBACK JOSH ROSEN THINKS HE IS BIG, TOUGH BIPEDAL MAMMAL BUT WISHES TO BECOME THE GOAT
    • BOLTMAN DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HUMAN BREEDING RITUALS, BUT WOULD ENJOY HELPING HIM BECOME THE HYBRID HE DESIRES TO BE
  • TODAY IS NATIONAL HUMAN SIBLING DAY, AND THE TREACHEROUS NFL WANTS TO PRANCE ITS MOST SUCCESSFUL BLOOD RELATED [Licks lips] DUOS BEFORE YOUR EYES IN A MOST UNNECESSARY AND SELF-PRESERVING WAY
    • SUCH WRETCHES INCLUDE:
      • TIKI AND RONDE BARBER – BOLTMAN HAS NO HAIR AND HAS NO NEED OF THIS HUMAN TRADE. BEGONE!
      • MICHAEL AND MARTELLUS BENNETT – BOLTMAN FINDS THEIR ANTICS AND HATRED OF THE DISGRACEFUL KING ROGER AMUSING
      • PEYTON AND ELI MANNING – [Eyes narrow, pounds fist into open hand] BOLTMAN OWES THE TODDLER MANNING AN APOLOGY FOR REFUSING TO BECOME A SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGER… FOLLOWED BY THE FATE OF BEING SEWN TO HIS GROTESQUE AND DEFORMED BROTHER’S HEAD FOR THE REST OF THEIR PITIFUL EXISTENCE
      • DAVID AND DEREK CARR – [Slowly building laugh that ends in an insane cackle]
      • MIKE AND MAURKICE POUNCEY – THE ELDEST WILLINGLY WEARS THE MARK OF THE HERETIC! BOLTMAN SENTENCES HIS ENTIRE BLOODLINE TO ETERNAL TORMENT AND DEFILING!
  • FINALLY, BOLTMAN WISHES ALL TO SEE THE LATEST FROM THE PATRIARCH AND MATRIARCH OF THE SEAU CLAN, WITH MANY THANKS FOR BROODING BOLTMAN’S FAVORITE SUUUUPPPEERRRR CHARGER! [Stands at attention and salutes]

SINCE THE HORRIBLE DAY OF THE ELECTRIC EXODUS, BOLTMAN HAS DEVOTED HIS MOST ROCKIN’ POWER TO BRING DOOM AND DESTRUCTION UPON ALL VENTURES SPANOS. PART OF THAT FOREBODING FAILURE IS TO PAY ATTENTION TO OTHER “SPORTS BALL” EVENTS THAT HUMANS CONSUME, LIKE FISH TACOS WITH MANGO SALSA!

HERE ARE TONIGHT’S BOUTS, THAT BOLTMAN HOPES ALL END IN UNENDING BLOODSHED! [Puts up double horns, head bangs]

  • MLB:
    • N.Y. Yankees at Boston 4 p.m. PST (Only national game – ESPN)
    • L.A. Angels at Texas 5 p.m. PST
    • SAN DIEGO at Colorado 5:40 p.m. PST
    • Arizona at San Francisco 7 p.m. PST
    • Oakland at L.A. Dodgers 7 p.m. PST

BOLTMAN HOPES TO ENJOY ANOTHER ROUTE OF THE COLORADO STONEY MOUNTAINS AS HIS SWINGING ACOLYTE PRIESTS MEET IN THEIR HEATHEN TEMPLE! MAY THEY BRING A SWIFT END TO THE ENEMY AND USE THEIR BONES FOR BATS!

FERMENTEDBEVERAGEHUMANMALEROBERT SHOULD RETURN TO HIS NORMAL NEWSING DUTIES TOMORROW, UNLESS BOLTMAN FINDS HIM FIRST! BOLTMAN OUT! [STOMP, STOMP, CLAP and disappears in flash of lightning]

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers is a native North County San Diegan with an affinity for the Padres, beer, whiskey, punk rock, video games and the end of days. If you eat a fish taco with a fork in his presence, you may lose your hand.

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SonOfSpam

Reason #2953 why I love sports:

Andre Ingram, a 32-year-old math tutor who has played 384 games in the NBA’s minor leagues over the last 10 years, made his NBA debut on Tuesday night off the Lakers bench and caught fire early, finishing with 19 points, three rebounds, one assist, one steal, three blocks and four 3-pointers on 6-of-8 shooting in 29 minutes.

His wife and kids were on hand, he made some huge shots and looked like he belonged, and the whole story was nothing short of miraculous and inspirational, even though we may never hear from him again. It’s too bad more teams don’t give minor-league journeymen opportunities like this, as it was a blast to watch, as opposed to some of the other silly-season stuff we’ve been subjected to over the last month. Congratulations on your big night, Andre. It was awesome. And props to Magic Johnson and the Lakers for making it happen. He’s probably not done done yet, as the Lakers play the Clippers in Wednesday’s meaningless finale, but it’s hard to imagine him playing that well again on Wednesday night.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Speaking of assists.

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Fronkenshteen

From the “man” who never worked a day in his life:

Trump Signs Order to Require Recipients of Federal Aid Programs to Work – The New York Times
https://apple.news/A9kevN4dySlOgPWmjLytlAA

Here’s a real teeth grinder:

“President Trump has directed his administration to study policies that are failing Americans,” said Andrew Bremberg, the president’s domestic policy chief, who briefed reporters on the order’s contents in a telephone call late Tuesday. Journalists were not provided with copies of the document beforehand.

And the real nut-kicker in the last 3 paragraphs:

“Our country suffers from nearly record high welfare enrollments,” Mr. Bremberg said. But Temporary Assistance for Needy Families payments to poor people are approaching record lows.
Mr. Trump, several aides said, is unconcerned — or perhaps even unaware — of the distinction between cash assistance and other safety-net programs.
He calls all of them “welfare,” they said.

Senor Weaselo

They can’t all get small loans of a million dollars? What’s wrong with them?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This fucktard doesn’t know how the postal service works, how the government works, how bodies work, how literally anything works.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

Buster Keaton?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Yes. “Sherlock Jr.” (1924)

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Also, that’s a block away from Strawberry’s house in “Up In Smoke”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I am so sleep deprived I feel drunk. Not a drop of alcohol in my system.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

How were the plantains?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Tasty. Not Miami tasty but tasty.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

You should drink, it’ll conk you out, problem solved!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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blaxabbath

I think Big Enough may be my favorite meme right now.

blaxabbath

This was a top notch BOLTMAN appearance.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

That’s the best way to deal with broccoli.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t image search that phrase unless you are on safe search.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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SonOfSpam

Oh God no.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Although after finding this; it was worth it.

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SonOfSpam

Sorry I’m late, but I welcome my Boltman overlord.

Not that I have a choice.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog
rockingdog

last funny:

we literally gave Apple our fingerprints and are now worried that companies have too much of our personal data lmao

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

At least they don’t have a digital record of our fa…………… oh fuck.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Funny you mention that.

As Zuckerberg prepares to testify before Congress, Facebook is quietly fighting a crucial privacy measure in the Illinois Statehouse. Starting tomorrow, state legislators will consider a new amendment to the Biometric Information Privacy Act (BIPA) that could neuter one of the strongest privacy laws in the US, giving Facebook free rein to run facial recognition scans without users’ consent.

https://www.theverge.com/2018/4/10/17218756/facebook-biometric-privacy-lobbying-bipa-illinois

rockingdog
rockingdog

*checks the GS warriors score

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YIKES!!!!
Now the playoffs start?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog
rockingdog

evening ya’ll!
Had my first Javascript class. pretty simple so far…

found a funny:
Went to Applebee”s in a dress shirt and tie. Three customers complained to me about their food so I fired a cook.

Gratliff

Ah yes. I remember my first error development class.
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Oh early-80’s-girl come haunt my dreams

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

You can spot the cooks because they’re the ones jerking off into clam chowder.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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It is agreed; at dawn we raid the shed and take the entire 100 lb bag of our food and distribute it evenly.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Don’t ever say I don’t listen to you all. I just ordered at Versailles.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Did you get the half chicken with plantains?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Pork with plantains. Gotta be a good J-O-O.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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OK, I’m hungry again, damn it.

King Hippo

anything with plantains, holy fuck that sounds good.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Can’t imagine there are any good plantains down in North Cakalaky

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

there is a good Cuban-Argentinian place in downtown Raleigh, but I don’t get over there very often. Only place I’ve found with ’em (at least regularly)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s a Raleigh good place.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Did they let you eat cake?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Zuckerberg being questioned by a bunch of decrepit old men who are the very model targets/suckers of the countless idiotic memes that fill up Facebook timelines is partly amusing but mostly sad because these idiots and their equally moronic and ignorant staffers are the worst, last people in the world competent and capable of asking questions that really need to be asked of Zuckerberg on the record and in public.

Politics sucks. People over 60 shouldn’t be allowed to vote or hold office.

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a related funny:

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

People under 30 shouldn’t be allowed to vote either.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

For those interested, the Andre the Giant documentary just started on HBO

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Coincidentally that is also tWBS’ pet name for his penis.

AKA; Berry, the Colossally Exaggerated.

*But he did manage to fuck all of Toronto.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I understand and accept that none of these questionable premises will ever make it into the Goddess II series.

King Hippo

Damn, forgot to DVR it. He Has a Posse! you know…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Correct; contrary to popular believe he did get a lot posse; he was famous after all.

King Hippo

plus, I mean, who wouldn’t want to SEE IT??

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

His balls were…….. UUUUUUUUGE!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Fuck Toronto.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

King Hippo

#BFIB break up no-hitter with bunt single, 2 outs in the 5th. To a fucker throwing 85.

/El Gallo (i.e., the pitcher) got a for reals hit the very next pitch

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Clint is not betting on it.

King Hippo

left the bases fucked. I’d bet on the rope.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Wait…. third is only finger fucked.

King Hippo

I’m old, what do you expect ,, smh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Ummm…. old is remembering that as a teenager one measure success in a sexual sequence metaphorically based [sic] on a system of advancement toward the prize related to “America’s favorite pass-time.”

Senor Weaselo

I’m surprised he didn’t get hit for reals. With the ball. In the ribs.

LemonJello
LemonJello

If it’s wrong to be CHAARRRRGGGED UUUUPPPPP! by the appearance of the dread elder god, BOLTMAN, I don’t want to be right!

/runs through a gottdammed wall to grab a snack

theeWeeBabySeamus

[followed closely by A. Reid]

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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GO CHARGERS!!

*Against the Chiefs, P*triots and Raiders only.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Any recs from this group for dinner near Culver?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In N Out

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Father’s Office probably not too busy, also a good burger.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Been there on yeah right’s rec. Good stuff.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

He said DINNER.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Is it wrong that I want to kinda bite that tummy a little bit?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

There is nothing but right about wanting to bite Frankenhooker’s stomach.

WCS

Easy there, Marv.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

YES!!!!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Tommy John surgery?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Versailles Cuban restaurant on Venice Blvd is one option . . .

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

THIS!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Liam Neeson’s solidarity with Latin American liberation was greater than I ever suspected.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Shit. Looks like I’m going to the cemetery again tomorrow. I’m getting sick of that fucking place. I told Mom if she wanted me to go with her, she shouldn’t have put mayonnaise on her fucking burger.

To her credit, she laughed.

Dad is dead 3 years. Hard to believe.

herodotus450
herodotus450

For a sentence there I thought the mayonnaise had pushed tWBS too far.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Meh. He’s dead. I can tell him “hi” from here. But Mom and her mayonnaise burger loving self wants accompaniment.

No worries, I’ll just wait ’til later to start drinking.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Going to the cemetary is why a lot of my dates fail. fwiw.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Actually they are usually OK until I remove my clothes on top of a stranger’s grave.

King Hippo

Cincy and Toronto pitchers having…interesting games through 6

theeWeeBabySeamus

To be fair, Sanchez is pitching against the Orioles. It’s not a high bar there.

King Hippo

just TOR guy now

Horatio Cornblower

5-0 Red Sox. The Yankees have the Red Sox right where the Orioles want them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I remember the time *I* ended up with a red sock. My urologist *still* gives me a hard time about it.

herodotus450
herodotus450

San Diego has a baseball team?

Horatio Cornblower

Only because MLB doesn’t have relegation.

theeWeeBabySeamus

About an hour ago or so, I fired up the grill and cooked burgers. One of which I presented to my mother. She then proceeded to put mayonnaise on it.

I then dumped as much contempt and derision onto this feeble elderly woman as I was able.

My only regret is I wasn’t able to make her cry. She’s a tough old bird.

Fuck mayonnaise, though.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Fuck mayonnaise

Well, yeah whatelse do you do with it>

King Hippo

mayo looks like you done finished the fucking ,, no ofence. Smells like it to

herodotus450
herodotus450

[looks at sandwich hippo gave me]
[takes bite anyway]

Horatio Cornblower
theeWeeBabySeamus

I am shocked. SHOCKED I tell you.

King Hippo

oh, we MOS DEF done paid DSJ. Just like K and Ol’ Roy pay 3/4 of their rosters.

King Hippo

Just like in European politics, in Euro Lesser Footy, the GERMANS are the last good guys standing. Last meaningful ones, anyway, Please do a thing, Bayern (and draw the Shite for the semifinal round).

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Reports that Trump is considering firing Rosenstein: trial balloon or horrified insider warning?

King Hippo

yes

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yes

Game Time Decision
Game Time Decision

also, yes

/insert Dr Krieger picture here
// too lazy to find and figure out how to post images

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Well, I read that very loudly.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

BOLTMAN DOES NOT APPROVE OF SUBVOCALIZATION. IF SOMETHING IS TO BE SAID, IT IS TO BE PROCLAIMED LOUDLY ENOUGH FOR ALL MORTAL EARS TO HEAR.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Four innings in the books and the Orioles are not trailing by six runs?

OK, who’s punking me?

scotchnaut

Going for a long walk tomorrow. No, a short pier is not involved. Anyone care to join me? The only thing we have to fear is bears. They’re very hungry/cranky this time of year. Fear itself? Yeah, that’s a distant second in the spring.

King Hippo

I imagine “fear itself” shows up right quick when the bears arrive. Along with dirty pants.

litre_cola

I hope your not menstruating.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Game Time Decision
Game Time Decision

i assume that you’re asking so you only need to be faster than them, and not the bear….

Wakezilla

Ever watch Smallville and think it’d be hot if Allison Mack and Kristin Kreuk were in a sex cult? Especially if Kristin Kreuk was the mistress and recruited Mack for some lez dom??What about Grace Park and Nicki Clyne?

Well, do I have news for you, and it’s depressing as shit:

https://www.vice.com/en_ca/article/kzxnqx/all-the-vancouver-actresses-linked-to-an-alleged-sex-cult?utm_campaign=global&utm_source=vicefbcaads

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Grace Park was vaguely involved in something similar…

[NSFW due to brief boobie flash] – https://youtu.be/42YB5lPTzUo

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Sex cult? I thought they closed that place down years ago!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Also I guess that world isn’t secret anymore.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I thought Allison Mack was the #2 under the cult leader guy. So wouldn’t she be Kreuk’s dom?

scotchnaut

The Canadian IFC channel is really bringing it tonight. Right now The 12 Disasters of Christmas is playing. Next up? Wolfcop. Yeah, that’s what I said, Wolfcop.

rockingdog
rockingdog

hahaha WolfCop!!! thats great! that seems like something from AdultSwim.

litre_cola

I missed BOLTMAN.

King Hippo

Comforting to know that he’s never really gone, as one day he is coming FOAR US ALL.

Horatio Cornblower

Watching the Red Sox open against the Yankees with a double and walk.

I think I’m going back to work with a headache tomorrow.

King Hippo

No ofence, but I would rather watch kiddie porn in the FBI HQ reception area than what you are viewing.

Horatio Cornblower

Given that it’s 4-0 bad guys in the 2nd inning, go ahead and pull up a second chair in the receptions area; I’ll be along shortly.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Saying the “bad guys” are winning tells us nothing about which team is actually leading.

Horatio Cornblower

said the Raiders fan.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I said bad guys not sad guys.

King Hippo

I was trying to describe Lesser Footy hate today, and the best way I could do it was to say that Liverpool was like the P*ts and the Cubs put together to me (it was another #BFIB, so this would make sense).

King Hippo

BOLTMAN FINDS THIS MOVE TO BE FOOLISH, AS ALL HUMANS TIME ON THIS WATER COVERED AND HIGHLY CONDUCTIVE PLANET IS NEARING ITS END

– standing round of applause befitting a Stalin gathering

Gratliff

It needs to be Wednesday sooner. Give me that sweet, sweet insanity.
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scotchnaut

Here’s your insanity-it involves hockey pants.

Gratliff

Man, I forgot how purely batshit that series was. 56 goals in 6 games. The highlight reel should be the rebuttal for every “MAF is Actually Good” claim.

King Hippo

perhaps the only firm opinion I have on Ice Footbaw is that Marc-Andre Fleury is merde. Under any sort of moderate-to-heavy pressure, he’s runny “infant who ate too many prunes” merde.

scotchnaut

“Boltman needs to see a therapist.”

-A Therapist

scotchnaut

“THAT’S A CAPITAL IDEA!”

-Boltman