Your “OOOOOHHHHHH YEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!” Tuesday Night Open Thread

WHAT MADNESS IS THIS?! FERMENTEDBEVERAGEHUMANMALEROBERT HAS AWAKENED BOLTMAN FROM HIS DEEP, DARK SLUMBER WITHIN THE BOWELS OF SAN DIEGO COUNTY CREDIT UNION QUALCOMM JACK MURPHY STADIUM, DEMANDING HIS DECREE ON THE DAILY HAPPENINGS OF THE MORTAL WORLD OF THE ACCURSED NFL! BOLTMAN WILL ASSURE YOU ALL THAT FERMENTEDBEVERAGEHUMANMALEROBERT’S MESSENGER MET A SLOW AND PAINFUL END, AS HIS BONES WERE REMOVED AND ORGANS LIQUEFIED, BUT SINCE BOLTMAN IS ALREADY AWAKE, THIS ONE MIGHT AS WELL BRING YOU ALL THE DOOM AND DEVASTATION REQUESTED:

• BUFFALO BILLS GUARD, DICK INVISIBLE, HAS DECREED THAT HE IS LEAVING THIS REALM AS THE FRAIL CREATURE IS CONCERNED ABOUT HIS REMAINING TIME ON THIS MORTAL COIL
  • BOLTMAN FINDS THIS MOVE TO BE FOOLISH, AS ALL HUMANS TIME ON THIS WATER COVERED AND HIGHLY CONDUCTIVE PLANET IS NEARING ITS END
    • HOWEVER, BOLTMAN DOES ENJOY THIS HUMAN’S EXTREME SELF-LOATHING AND LOOKS FORWARD TO HIM MAKING HIS WAY REMINDING OTHERS JUST EXACTLY HOW USELESS AND PATHETIC THEIR KIND IS

• UCLA [Spits powder blue liquid on ground, which bursts into flames] QUARTEREDBACK JOSH ROSEN THINKS HE IS BIG, TOUGH BIPEDAL MAMMAL BUT WISHES TO BECOME THE GOAT
  • BOLTMAN DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HUMAN BREEDING RITUALS, BUT WOULD ENJOY HELPING HIM BECOME THE HYBRID HE DESIRES TO BE

• TODAY IS NATIONAL HUMAN SIBLING DAY, AND THE TREACHEROUS NFL WANTS TO PRANCE ITS MOST SUCCESSFUL BLOOD RELATED [Licks lips] DUOS BEFORE YOUR EYES IN A MOST UNNECESSARY AND SELF-PRESERVING WAY
  • SUCH WRETCHES INCLUDE:
    • TIKI AND RONDE BARBER – BOLTMAN HAS NO HAIR AND HAS NO NEED OF THIS HUMAN TRADE. BEGONE!
    • MICHAEL AND MARTELLUS BENNETT – BOLTMAN FINDS THEIR ANTICS AND HATRED OF THE DISGRACEFUL KING ROGER AMUSING
    • PEYTON AND ELI MANNING – [Eyes narrow, pounds fist into open hand] BOLTMAN OWES THE TODDLER MANNING AN APOLOGY FOR REFUSING TO BECOME A SAN DIEGO SUPER CHARGER… FOLLOWED BY THE FATE OF BEING SEWN TO HIS GROTESQUE AND DEFORMED BROTHER’S HEAD FOR THE REST OF THEIR PITIFUL EXISTENCE
    • DAVID AND DEREK CARR – [Slowly building laugh that ends in an insane cackle]
    • MIKE AND MAURKICE POUNCEY – THE ELDEST WILLINGLY WEARS THE MARK OF THE HERETIC! BOLTMAN SENTENCES HIS ENTIRE BLOODLINE TO ETERNAL TORMENT AND DEFILING!

• FINALLY, BOLTMAN WISHES ALL TO SEE THE LATEST FROM THE PATRIARCH AND MATRIARCH OF THE SEAU CLAN, WITH MANY THANKS FOR BROODING BOLTMAN’S FAVORITE SUUUUPPPEERRRR CHARGER! [Stands at attention and salutes]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp02z7eh4gU

SINCE THE HORRIBLE DAY OF THE ELECTRIC EXODUS, BOLTMAN HAS DEVOTED HIS MOST ROCKIN’ POWER TO BRING DOOM AND DESTRUCTION UPON ALL VENTURES SPANOS. PART OF THAT FOREBODING FAILURE IS TO PAY ATTENTION TO OTHER “SPORTS BALL” EVENTS THAT HUMANS CONSUME, LIKE FISH TACOS WITH MANGO SALSA!

HERE ARE TONIGHT’S BOUTS, THAT BOLTMAN HOPES ALL END IN UNENDING BLOODSHED! [Puts up double horns, head bangs]

• MLB:
  • N.Y. Yankees at Boston 4 p.m. PST (Only national game – ESPN)
  • L.A. Angels at Texas 5 p.m. PST
  • SAN DIEGO at Colorado 5:40 p.m. PST
  • Arizona at San Francisco 7 p.m. PST
  • Oakland at L.A. Dodgers 7 p.m. PST

BOLTMAN HOPES TO ENJOY ANOTHER ROUTE OF THE COLORADO STONEY MOUNTAINS AS HIS SWINGING ACOLYTE PRIESTS MEET IN THEIR HEATHEN TEMPLE! MAY THEY BRING A SWIFT END TO THE ENEMY AND USE THEIR BONES FOR BATS!

FERMENTEDBEVERAGEHUMANMALEROBERT SHOULD RETURN TO HIS NORMAL NEWSING DUTIES TOMORROW, UNLESS BOLTMAN FINDS HIM FIRST! BOLTMAN OUT! [STOMP, STOMP, CLAP and disappears in flash of lightning]