Hi There:

You may recall that I did two of these last year, and, for some reason, another version this year that I posted on March 26th.  That’s a month before the actual draft.  I swore I wouldn’t do another, because these are actually a lot of work and I don’t like work.  It interferes with the drinking.  The NFL, however, is evil on multiple levels and within hours of my posting 2018 Version 1.0 the Rams signed House of Spears Suh, making my prediction that they’d take a D-lineman seem highly unlikely.  Then those fuckers traded their pick completely away, and to the P*ts no less(!), for Brandin Cooks.  Now, while I could quite conceivably be 1-32, (the Browns are taking Darnold, and both parties will regret it), and be fine with that, I cannot have a mock draft that has Los Angeles in the first round.  That’s just cat-lazy.

No offense, Mr. Cutler.

And so, a week before the draft, (give or take a few days, as I doubt this is getting done in one shot), I present to you Mock Draft Version 2.0, which will post shortly before the actual draft.  Place wagers based on this version at your own risk:  as usual, I do not know what I’m talking about.

Except Darnold to the Browns; that’s a lock

(Browns take Allen)

SPECIAL BONUS!  Peter King released his MMQB Mock Draft this week, so I’ve added his picks below mine.

1. Cleveland Browns 
Record: 0-16 (.520)
Top needs: QB, CB, OT, S
The pick: Last year everyone knew that the Browns were taking Myles Garrett.  It was the only pick I was at all confident in, and it turns out it was responsible for 20% of my success.  And it worked out so well for the Browns that they didn’t win a single game and here they are again.  I mean, Jesus Christ Browns, even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while.  You’re just constantly falling out of trees and landing on your heads over and over and over.  So what will they do this year?  Here’s literally the dumbest thing I’ve read this year.  There are few things I know, but I do know that this is not going to happen.  Not even the Browns are dumb enough to trade the 4th pick for two late 1st round picks and another mid- to late round pick next year.  That is not happening.  I think the Browns stick with USC QB Sam Darnold as the first pick if for no other reason than they don’t have the credibility to take the Wyoming kid over the highly-touted USC product and not have their fans burn the stadium to the ground.

Darnold, of course, then blows out his ACL falling down the stairs on his way to hug Herr Goodell and Josh Allen become a 3-time Super Bowl winner somewhere else, because Cleveland.

PK Pick:  Darnold.

2. New York Giants 

Record: 3-13 (.531)
Top needs: QB, OL, RB, DL
The pick: If the Giants don’t trade this pick they’re going to take Penn State RB Saquon Barkley.  This was a longer entry with a different pick but I heard so much about the Giants being in love with Barkley, (huh, a bunch of older guys in love with a young guy from Penn State.  Where have I heard that before?), that I’ve started to believe it.  I’d make more bad jokes about this but we’re apparently moving this thing up and making it the Open Thread so that beerguyrob can take a well-deserved night off and go drink.  I don’t need this kind of pressure.

PK Pick:  Barkley

3. New York Jets (via Colts) 
Record: 5-11 (.520)
Top needs: QB, EDGE, OG, OT
The pick: I am changing this pick at noon on Draft Day.  Why?, you ask, no doubt while passing that fire-extinguisher bong from HRTN, (pictured above), to your left while grabbing the SPONCH! coming from your right.  Good question.  In Version 1.0 I had the Jets taking Baker Mayfield.  Since then, however, Mayfield seems like he’s been trying to shoot his way as far down the draft as he can.  Those of you who bother to read the links that I so painstakingly put together here will notice that all of that criticism comes from once incident, Mayfield’s admission that he didn’t read the Chargers playbook before interviewing with them, because there is no chance in hell that he’s still going to be around when the Chargers pick at 17.  Mayfield, for the record, is completely right about that.  Barring a trade there’s a better chance that the Chargers move back to San Diego and LCSS calls off his Spanos fatwa then there is that they have any reason to be talking to Mayfield.  While Mayfield does seem to be somewhat of a dick, not reading the playbook of a team that a) has no chance of drafting you and b) whose playbook would mostly seem to consist of “just run sort of but not too far down the field and I’ll float it to you”, is not a good reason to suddenly change your opinion on a top-QB prospect.  Which Mayfield, dickhead or not, most definitely is.  This, however, is the NFL, and admitting you didn’t read a playbook is akin to admitting that you pissed on the Bible while drunk during a camp revival meeting.  It’s simply not forgivable.  So while I thought Mayfield was the better option for the Jets my bet was that they would chicken out and take Josh Rosen instead.

Today, however, Adam Schefter came out with a tweet saying that people around the league were now convinced that the Browns were going to take Mayfield at #1.  Which, no, they are not.  I personally think Mayfield will be fine in the NFL, and fucking glorious in New York, (at least for our purposes), and he will put asses in the seats and take attention away from the Giants, (which is a big part of the reason I think the Jets want him so badly), but none of that really applies to Cleveland, and there’s a downside to Mayfield that there isn’t with Darnold.  So the only reason I can think of that the Browns would be spreading such nonsense, (aside from it’s the Browns and there’s a chance this is real.  Real dumb), is that they know the Jets are hell bent on Mayfield and they think that if they spread this rumor they can get the Jets to do what the Bears did for the 49ers last year, i.e., trade up with the Browns and give the Browns some more draft picks in the 2nd and maybe 3rd round, all to take a player who the Browns have no intention of taking and who would have been there anyway.

I have no idea if this will work, (I doubt it; the Jets are indeed a dumb organization, but they’re not Bears-dumb), but it wasenough to get me to come in here while eating lunch and change a couple of picks.

The Jets take Oklahoma QB Baker Mayfield, and his reign in New York will be glorious.  At least in the media.

PK Pick:  Rosen.  Can’t give him any grief over this one.  I had Rosen going here until about an hour ago, and I don’t think King edits his picks 5 hours before the draft.

4. Cleveland Browns (via Texans)
Record: Still 0-16 (.000)
Top needs: CB, OT, S
The pick: Since the Giants are taking Barkley the Browns will take NC State DE Bradely Chubb, and all of a sudden the Browns have a potentially terrifying defense.  At one point someone, I think it was CBSSports, was saying that the Patriots were going to trade both of their first round picks to the Browns to get this pick and take a QB, but this ignores the facts that Browns would have to be absolutely brain-damaged to make this trade.  In addition to the 1 & 4 picks the Brown all pick at 33 and 35, so there is no reason to give up a talent like Chubb to move to 23 and 31 when you’re already two picks away from getting comparable talent for at least one and probably both of those picks.  BUT, what if the Patriots, who are supposedly sick of Rob Gronkowski, threw him in with their first two picks?  Hmmm?

I’d still say no, because Gronk probably has 2 more years left before he spontaneously combusts in a cloud of Axe cologne, but it’s fun to speculate.

PK Pick:  Chubb  (this is getting creepy)

Record: 5-11 (.492)
Top needs: CB, EDGE, OL, TE
The pick: Hippo and Moose are probably not gonna like this, because it doesn’t address any of the needs listed above, (which I guess are accurate; I mean, the NFL.com guy wrote them and I would assume he knows what he’s talking about.  I certainly don’t), but I have read way too much about how Secretari, uh John Elway, fucking loves Wyoming QB (and possible racist) Josh Allen and is going to take him here come hell or high water.  As they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him not waste a high draft pick on a QB from a low-level program.  This seems even more likely as Denver let go of Siemen faster than I did on my prom night.  Hey-O!  Thanks, I’ll be here for 27 more picks.  Try the veal.

There’s a decent chance that the Allen’s either gone by now, (don’t do it Cleveland), and that the Broncos take Rosen instead, but I’m keeping this pick as is because I don’t want to lose my Siemen joke.  I’m absurdly proud of it.

There’s also a chance that Allen’s racist tweets, (from high school, and he did own up to them, but, um, yeah, still an asshole), makes his stock drop below this, but we are talking about the NFL here.  And also, fuck it, it’s too late to revise the whole thing now anyway.

PK Pick:  Arizona swaps with Denver and takes Mayfield.  Now Peter’s getting wild!

6. Indianapolis Colts (via Jets)
Record: 4-12 (.480)
Top needs: EDGE, LB, OL, WR
The pick: The Colts are considered likely to trade this pick, allowing a team like the Bills or Dolphins to move up and grab a QB here.  I don’t like predicting trades, because I’m lazy and I don’t have the sources to do it with any sort of reliability.  Although by this point in the draft it should be readily apparent that no one else does either, and it certainly never stops anyone from putting these things together.  So fuck it, lets’ have some fun:

TRADE!!!

Buffalo moves up, swapping 1st round picks, (and probably something else that I don’t care about, because we’re only talking about the 1st round here), with Indianapolis.  Buffalo really needs a QB.  Hope you like wings and broken tables, UCLA QB Josh Rosen, because you’re going to Buffalo!

PK Pick:  Indianapolis swaps with Buffalo and takes Allen.  Peter’s got his hands on the trade machine and there’s no stopping him now!

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 
Record: 5-11 (.555)
Top needs: DE, CB, RB, S
The pick: The Bucs ostensibly addressed about 3/5 of their problem on the D-line when they picked up JPP from the Giants, so let’s rule that out here.  Also let’s pause and notice that I just made fun of racism and handicapped people in the same sentence.  And I kept it from the first version! A cursory review of the Bucs mock drafts indicates that a) they’re delusional enough to list Chubb, Nelson and Barkley as remote possibilities here, and b) if those fantasies go the way most of my high school fantasies did, (into a pile of Kleenex and then the trash), Alabama’s CB Minkah Fitzpatrick will be the pick here.  The Bucs fans, and frankly an increasing number of mock drafts, actually like the FSU S Derwin James here, but what grabbed my attention was that if the Bucs took Fitzpatrick they’d be able to move away from Brett Grimes, and if you move him along you take his awful wife with him.  Tampa Bay’s got enough problems keeping their locker room healthy; take Fitzpatrick.

PK Pick:  Fitzpatrick.

8. Chicago Bears 

Record: 5-11 (.559)
Top needs: CB, OL, EDGE, DL
The pick: Quenton Nelson, G, Notre Dame.  If you had told the Bears front office before the draft that the best offensive lineman in the draft, who was also from Notre Dame, would be available at #8, they would have used up all the lubricant in the world jerking off from then until Draft Day.  Assuming Nelson is still around at this point the Bears may stiff arm Herr Goodell and whoever the Bucs took right off the stage before screaming “Quenton Nelson!  We take Quenton Nelson” over and over and over again.  In fact, this pick makes so much sense for the Bears that they’ll probably trade it.

PK Pick:  Nelson.  Peter and I have now agreed on 5-8 picks, 6-8 if you count Indy and Buffalo trading.  I am terrified.

9. San Francisco 49ers 
Record: 6-10 (.512)
Top needs: EDGE, OG, CB, WR
The pick:  Georgia LB Roquan Smith.  I liked what little I saw of him, (I watched both of Georgia’s play-off games, and that’s about it), I think that he’d still be around slightly lower, so if Buffalo or Miami hasn’t already traded up, and if one of the big four QBs is still available, I’d be pretty surprised if the 49ers weren’t able, for the second year in a row, to get a bunch of additional draft picks and still get the player they want 2-3 spots lower.  Originally I thought that FSU’s Derwin James was the guy to go here but the Reuben Foster allegedly went all Colin Kaepernick on some woman and…hold on, I’m getting something from my producers.

Oh, I’m sorry.  It seems that Kaepernick is no longer in the NFL largely for kneeling in peaceful protest during the national anthem, while Foster is still employed while being arraigned for beating the crap out of a woman.  The NFL continues to be awesome.  So, long, horrible story short, (but still horrible), the 49ers are probably going to need another linebacker sooner rather than later, and you can do a lot worse than Roquan Smith.

I think this is slightly high for Smith, so if one of the big four QBs is still available and Miami or Buffalo hasn’t already made a move up, look for the 49ers to repeat last year’s Chicago heist and move down 2-3 spots, pick up some additional draft resources and still get the guy they wanted.

PK Pick:  Smith.  Jesus wept.

10. Oakland Raiders 
Record: 6-10 (.512)
Top needs: LB, CB, S, OT
The pick: The Raiders have Khalil Mack on D and very little else.  With Nelson gone it’s too early to grab O-line help; if the Raiders want to go in that direction with their first pick they should trade down a couple of spots.  The Raiders need help at and Virginia Tech LB Tremaine Edmunds is here.  But not for long.  With Smith off the board to San Francisco the Raiders take the other top linebacker.

PK Pick:  Mike McGlinchey.  Finally.  That said McGlinchey makes sense for the Raiders; I just don’t see them passing up Edmunds.

11. Miami Dolphins 
Record: 6-10 (.543)
Top needs: QB, TE, OLB, DT
The pick: Miami is another team that would like to move up and grab a QB, but I think Buffalo is probably more desperate, (Tannehill isn’t terrible), Buffalo has two 1st round picks to throw at one of the earlier teams, and I don’t think that there is going to be more than one of the top 4 QB prospects available via trade.  If Miami can’t move up there’s nothing like a good algorithim to figure out who the team will take, and according to this one, Washington DT Vita Vea is the most likely outcome.  The choice makes sense, as Suh just left for the St. Louis Rams of Los Angeles, so there’s a definite need at the position.  Also Vea is the top-rated prospect at the position, so Miami could do a lot worse.

PK Pick:  Vea.  Seriously, what is going on here?

12. Buffalo Bills (via Bengals)
Record: 9-7 (.492)
Top needs: QB, OL, WR, DB
The pick: I traded this pick to Indianapolis, so let’s all take a big slug of whiskey and bump of something of dubious legality and try to figure out who Jim Irsay will pick.  The fans want Nelson, but if the Colts trade down to 12 Nelson is going to be long gone.  Of all the possibilities I see listed here, I like Notre Dame OL Mike McGlinchey the best.  The Colts desperately need help at on the line, McGlinchey is the second-best OL-prospect, and the Colts will probably have Buffalo’s second 1st round selection to play with.

PK Pick:  Has Indy taking Edmunds.

13. Washington Redacteds 
Record: 7-9 (.539)
Top needs: DL, LB, CB, QB, an owner who can get on all the rides at the amusement park,
The pick: Fuck if I know.  I mean, this is a team that refused to sign Kirk Cousins to a long-term contract and then let him just leave for the Vikings, (for the sort of contract Danny would never have authorized unless the player was 3 years beyond his prime), so whatever they do it’ll probably be wrong.  Let’s assume they do something about their defensive line issues and take Alabama’s Da’Ron Payne.  Payne blew it up in the NCAA play-offs and apparently took the combine by storm and that sort of shit gets lil’ Danny hotter than taking a hatchet to a bunch of protected trees.  So while according to all three of the sources I’ve consulted, (fine, all two of ’em), there are better DL prospects out there, Snyder will be too attracted to the bright lights of the ‘Bama lineage and combine numbers to think much past them, much like Custer getting overexcited at Little Big Horn.  Although, to be fair, Payne seems like he’s really good, so this will probably work out better.

PK Pick:  Ward

14. Green Bay Packers 
Record: 7-9 (.539)
Top needs: DB, OT, WR, EDGE
The pick: Version 1.0 had the Packers taking a WR, (Calvin Ridley), because they’d let Jordy Nelson go.  Of course, being an idiot, I didn’t realize that they’d let Nelson go because they’d signed tight end and noted basketball afficianado Jimmy Graham, so Rodgers is probably happy enough with that.  Assuming that the NFL guy I stole this format from is right, and that the Packers main need is a DB, and assuming that I’ve gotten enough of this draft wrong for FSU’s S Derwin James to still be around, there’s no way that the Packers let him fall any farther.

PK Pick:  Josh Jackson.  No argument with the position but I haven’t seen anyone other than PK rank Jackson ahead of James.

15. Arizona Cardinals 

Record: 8-8 (.488)
Top needs: QB, OL, WR, DB
The pick: Here’s a fun fact:  The Cardinals are considered the most likely team to try to move up in the draft.  They really need a QB and apparently agreed with my assessment in Version 1.0 that Sam “Glass Joe” Bradford was not the QB of the future.  While I’m sure they’d like to move up I don’t see how they’re going to do so, as I don’t think there’s any way that three of the top 4 QBs are not going to be taken in the Top 6 picks, and I don’t think Arizona has enough to get past what teams like Miami, Buffalo, or, God help us all, New England would be willing to do.  While I’m not convinced that someone scoring a 13 on the Wonderlic, and getting stuffed in his bowl game when he had to play an SEC defense, is worth a pick this high, this is the NFL, the NFL is a QB-centric league these days and let’s face it, someone’s gonna take Louisville QB Lamar Jackson, so it may as well be Arizona.

PK Pick:  Has Denver taking Mike Hughes.  Hippo will drive to Denver and burn everything if this happens.

16. Baltimore Ravens 
Record: 9-7 (.441)
Top needs: TE, ILB, OL, WR
The pick: Someone who knows how to keep their mouth shut.  That’s a big deal in Baltimore.  The algorithims have Baltimore taking either Ridley or McGlinchey but, as noted here, McGlinchey seems to be wishful thinking, and Ridley’s stock seems to have fallen a bit.  There’s no TEs or LBs rated high enough here to justify taking them at 16; if the Ravens are hell bent on one of those they’ll move the pick, and there’s some talk that the Ravens are indeed looking to move down.  This would be a fun position to have Dallas move up to, but let’s face it, no one’s going to return JJ’s calls.  Let’s go with the guy that got 8% from the algorithim noted above and have the Ravens take Marcus Davenport, DL, USTA, and set themselves up for whenever Terrell Suggs retires.

PK Pick:  Derwin James.  Not going to be around at 16.

17. Los Angeles Chargers 
Record: 9-7 (.457)
Top needs: OT, ILB, QB, DL
The pick: Fuck ’em.  Move back to San Diego and I’ll give a shit about what you do.  For the sake of a complete mock draft, however, let’s say they look to upgrade the offensive line with Will Hernandez, G, UTEP, who can bench press 225 37 times and do some other stuff that got him compared to Richie Incognito.  Hopefully the kind of stuff that made Richie Incognito a really good offensive lineman and not the “Richie-Incognito-threatens-to-shit-in-someone’s-mouth” sort of stuff that we all got to know and love.

PK Pick:  Kolton Miller.  Not if Hernandez is still here.

18. Seattle Seahawks 
Record: 9-7 (.492)
Top needs: OL, CB, DE, TE
The pick: What didn’t the Seahawks change this year?  Well, the opinions of the World Trade Center investigative committee, for one, but you can bet ol’ Pete won’t go quietly on that one.  Richard Sherman left, Jimmy Graham, (fun fact, he used to play basketball in college!), left, Michael Bennett left and beat up a cripple!  Allegedly.  So, at a minimum, the Seahawks need a CB, a TE, help on the D-line, their offensive line still sucks, and someone needs to refill the tinfoil in the kitchen so that there are enough hats to go around.  The top O-line prospects have moved on and Seattle has only this pick in the first three rounds.  Seems like a good one to move for more picks.  If either McGlinchey or Hernandez is still around I’d look for New England to try to make a move, although I doubt Carroll would take their calls after that unfortunate ending in the Super Bowl three years ago.  If they can’t trade the pick they’ll take Iowa CB Josh Jackson and begin the process of rebuilding the defense.

PK Pick:  Marcus Davenport.  Makes sense, I just don’t think he’ll be around.

19. Dallas Cowboys 
Record: 9-7 (.496)
Top needs: WR, DT, LB, OG
The pick: Welp, this pick from Version 1.0 went right out the window when the Cowboys cut ties with Dez Bryant last week.  For the record I’m OK with that decision.  He was a big salary cap hit, he didn’t seem to click with Dak and his production had been declining for the past couple of seasons anyway.  I liked Dez and he’ll probably burn the Cowboys for a season or two but long-term it wasn’t the worst move the Cowboys have made.  They are now, however, in a position where they probably have to take a WR instead of much-needed defensive help.  The guess here, and many, other places, is that the Cowboys that SMU WR Courtland Sutton here.  The defense will continue to kill them.

PK Pick:  DJ Moore.  50-50.  Everything points to the Cowboys taking one of these two.  To me they just seem to like Sutton a little more, and ol’ JJ does like his hometown heroes.

20. Detroit Lions 
Record: 9-7 (.496)
Top needs: DE, DT, RB, OG
The pick: The Lions have a new coach in Matt Patricia, the most succesful NFL hobo since Jim Tomsula had that accident with the sterno.  Version 1.0 had the Lion’s taking LSU RB Derrius Guice here, and if anything there seems to be even more of a consensus that he will be their pick.  Matt Stafford is positively swollen with anticipation.  And ribs.

PK Pick:  Da’aron Payne.  If Payne is still available?  Oh absolutely.  No way Matt Patricia passes on him.  I just don’t think he will be.  He’d fucking better not, since the Cowboys are right in front of the Lions, and it’s not like the Cowboys don’t need D-line help.

Record: 7-9 (.465)
Top needs: OL, LB, DT, CB
The pick: Redshirt pointed out, in the comments of Version 1.0, that the Bengals need far more offensive line help than they do secondary help, but still felt it was likely that the Bengals would take Josh Jackson because, for some bizarre reason, the Bengals have taken a CB withe their first pick in every even numbered year since 2012.  So I felt pretty good about that pick.  But, since I’ve reworked this thing and Josh Jackson took his talents to Seattle, it seems more likely that the Bengals will address that O-line.  James Daniels, C, Iowa, will do that nicely.  There’s some criticism of his strength, since he only benched 225 21 times, (roughly 21 more times than your truly would), but keep in mind that Billy Price, the OSU center previously touted for this selection, blew out his pectoral on the 3rd rep.  So maybe reps aren’t everything.

PK Pick:  Lamar Jackson.  I will bet you my children that this doesn’t happen.

22. Buffalo Bills (via Chiefs)
Record: 9-7 (.492)
Top needs: QB, OL, WR, DB
The pick: If the Bills were able to move up to 6th to take Baker Mayfield, as fearlessly predicted here, then they probably gave up this pick in addition to their 13th to do it.  So here we find Indianapolis having a second 1st round pick, and lots of holes to fill.  They addressed the O-line with McGlinchey.  They could use a WR, too, and Alabama WR Calvin Ridley, (who some people think is only the 6th best WR prospect), has been sliding a bit.  I’ll guess that Irsay is swayed by the Alabama lineage and takes him ahead of someone like James Washington or the other four guys I haven’t heard of.  Seriously, I have no idea what I’m doing at this point.

PK Pick:  Oddly he has the Bills keeping this pick despite moving up with Indy, and taking James Daniel.  I can’t knock the Daniels pick, it just won’t be Buffalo making it.

23. Los Angeles Rams 
Record: 11-5 (.504)
Top needs: ILB, OL, EDGE, WR
The skinny: Oh, but it’s not the Rams anymore here, is it!?  Nope, LA, which is quietly having quite the off-season, swapped this pick to New England for Brandin Cooks and called it a first round.  What with already having signed Suh, and now adding a deep threat to replace Sammy Watkins, LA probably wasn’t going to do any better.  So what will New England do with this pick?  As noted above, there are rumors that they’ll try to trade both to Cleveland for Cleveland’s 4th pick.  I don’t see Cleveland passing up a chance to get Barkley or Chubb, (in fact I don’t see any of the teams with a top 5 pick being willing to drop down this far), but the rumor is there and we are talking about Cleveland.  I think the Patriots are stuck with this pick.  And I think that, with all of the noise swirling around Boston about Brady not getting along with Darth Hoodie anymore, and Brady being on the wrong side of 40, and with Jimmy G slingin’ TDs for the 49ers, Bill is going to reach a bit for his next QB here and draft Oklahoma State QB Mason Rudolph.  Of note, CBS has Rudolph ranked as the #1 QB prospect, but CBS also employs Pete Prisco, so take that with a big ol’ grain of salt.  Mason’s also as melanin-challenged as his name suggests, so they’ll love him in New England.

On a related note, my mock draft has a number of similarities with Prisco’s, which I do not find ominous at all.

PK Pick: Rashaad Evans, Alabama LB.  Honestly I like this pick better than mine.  Evans should go in the 1st round; I just couldn’t find a spot for him.

24. Carolina Panthers 
Record: 11-5 (.539)
Top needs: WR, DB, DE, OG
The pick: I still like Stanford S Justin Reid as a dark (settle down, Mr. Richardson), horse candidate for this pick, but poking around the interwebs has convinced me that the Panthers will look to replace the departed Kelvin Benjamin with this pick.  Maryland WR DJ Moore is my guess here.

PK Pick:  Calvin Ridley.  We’re in the same church, just different pews.

Record: 9-7 (.434)
Top needs: EDGE, WR, DL, OL
The pick: The Titans made the play-offs under Mike Mularkey and then fired him after a less-than-inspiring loss.  The new coach is former Patriots defensive player, and part-time TE, Mike Vrabel, so it’s easy to think they’ll go defense first.  It’s also easy to think that Vrabel will go full Belichek and trade his 1st round pick for 2 3rds and a 5th.  It’s even easier to realize that I am flat-out making shit up right now.  That said, the Titans got busy filling their roster with ex-Patriots this off season, signing Dion Lewis and Malcolm Butler, neither of whom is an edge rusher, a wide receiver, a d-lineman or an o-lineman, all of which the Titans are supposed to need.  I don’t know if this is true and I can’t get any cell service to Puerto Rico to ask Don T.  The Titans could supposedly use help at ILB, and I can see Mike Vrabel seeing a second coming of himself in Boise State LB Leighton Vander Esch.  He’s probably a good pick here; I just don’t want to hear Mike Mayock try to pronounce it.

PK Pick: Harold Landry.  Makes at least as much sense as mine.

26. Atlanta Falcons 
Record: 10-6 (.543)
Top needs: DT, WR, TE, DE
The pick: The Falcons have Matty Ice at QB, Julio Jones at WR and a two-headed monster at RB.  They don’t need offensive help.  The choices seems to boil down to Michigan DT Maurice Hurst, who was recently held out of the combine after an irregular EKG, and Florida DT Taven Bryan, who wasn’t.  When in doubt, take the guy with the regular heartbeat.  Bryan is it.

PK Pick:  Bryan

27. New Orleans Saints 
Record: 11-5 (.535)
Top needs: TE, WR, QB, OL
The pick: They’re not taking a QB here because Brees is still good, (better than Eli Manning, and the Giants are still betting on that hobby horse), so the Saints are going to try to win with him while he’s still playing.  Having seen the Saints a couple of times in the play-offs I am clearly an expert on their receiving corps and I think they’re fine, although I couldn’t name one at gun point.  Let’s agree that they do need help at TE.  There’s South Carolina TE Hayden Hurst to fill that role nicely, just like a beignet is a nicely sugared roll.  Hurst is regarded as the top TE in most of the reports I saw, including this one, and I really just wanted to plug Walter Football, because if you want to do a deep dive into football nerdery, there are far worse places to go.  This mock draft being one of them.

PK Pick:  Arkansas C-G Frank Ragnow.  King admits this is a surprise.  I’d call it a reach, as when I was looking at center Ragnow seemed to be regarded as late 2nd, early 3rd round talent.  But there’s one of those in every rounds.

28. Pittsburgh Steelers 
Record: 13-3 (.453)
Top needs: ILB, QB, S, RB
The pick: Ryan Shazier isn’t coming back any time soon, so my guess is that the Steelers look to replace him with a LB of some sort.  There are a couple of defensive backs they could go to here as well but I’ll stick with LB and guess at Boston College LB Harold Landry.  BC players are generallydumber than a bag of hammers, but they can play.

PK Pick:  Jaire Alexander.  If Landry does go to Tennessee I think Pittsburgh will take Vander Esch.

Record: 10-6 (.434)
Top needs: LB, OT, WR, QB
The pick: We’re out of QBs, so it looks like Jacksonville will need to address some other needs here, or trade up, because they really need to do something about Bortles.  Jacksonville’s defense was a monster last year so I’d wager, (settle down, Hippo), that the Jaguars look for help on the offensive line.  UCLA OT Kolton Miller is inexperienced, with one year at tackle, but is also 6’9″ and 310 lbs., so he’s kind of hard to overlook.  Jacksonville won’t.

You like that ending?  “Jacksonville won’t”?  That’s the kind of writing you see in MMQB.  Seriously, right after I wrote that I looked at it and thought “what kind of hack shit is that?” but then remembered I was writing a mock draft so I said “fuck it” and left it in.

PK Pick:  Texas A&M WR Christian Kirk.  I had Kirk going in the first round in Version 1.0.  He seems to have fallen off as late.

30. Minnesota Vikings 
Record: 13-3 (.492)
Top needs: OT, CB, OG, TE
The pick: Given the money the Vikings just committed to Kirk Cousins I suspect that they may trade this pick for spare change, as they’re not going to be able to pay anyone else anyway.  They can use help on the offensive line and help in the secondary.  Originally I thought they’d take Ohio State center Billy Price here, but as noted above Price went and tore a pectoral muscle at the combine.  Price says he’ll be ready by training camp, but I don’t see spending a first round pick on a guy coming off a recent surgery.  That’s what second round picks are for.  And incidentally that last link does have the Vikings taking Price in the 2nd round.  Looking at another compendium of picks, most of the Viking mock drafts are looking at either Price, (see above), or a lineman who isn’t going to be around at 30.  The other name that jumped out at me was Louisville CB Jaire Alexander.  Makes sense.  The Vikings need a cornerback, Alexander is a cornerback, and ranked the 4th overall CB prospect by the nerds at Walter Football.  I’ll give him the edge over Mike Hughes, because Alexander didn’t play in a league that included UCONN, and therefore faced better competition.

PK Pick:  Hernandez, OL from UTEP.  As with Detroit, if Hernandez is still available Minnesota would jump to take him.  It just seems very unlikely that he will be.

31. New England Patriots 
Record: 13-3 (.484)
Top needs: DB, LB, QB, OL
The pick: If you live in my area you’re enjoying a nice period of panic from Boston sports radio.  No one knows what Belichek was thinking by not playing Malcolm Butler during the Superb Owl, but they’ve all got a guess and none of it’s flattering.  Butler is now gone, so is Amendola and so is Nate Solder.  No one thinks Gronkowski is happy in New England and Tom Brady is making dipshit videos for Facebook that are making people realize that no, he is not going to actually play high-level football until he’s 45.  It’s actually kind of glorious.  All that said Belichek, while probably thoroughly unpleasant to be around, knows his football.  I still think they will take UCF CB Mike Hughes here, looking to replace Butler, but I do have to say that there even more sound and fury around here recently over how much Gronkowski hates Belichek, so I’m not going to be surprised if they take Oklahoma TE Mark Andrews here.  This pick is going to be wrong, but I’m not going to be surprised.

PK Pick:  Vander Esch.  After making this pick King shits all over it.  Regardless, the Patriots are not taking two linebackers in the first round.

Record: 13-3 (.461)
Top needs: WR, LB, TE, RB
The pick: The brought a football championship to Philadelphia for the first time since the Stone Age.  They could literally draft Norm from ‘Cheers’ and the fans would cheer and throw batteries in the air.  I’m gonna guess that they won’t do that, however, but if you are just coming off a Super Bowl that left you with so much goodwill that you can do whatever you want, why not take a chance on a guy with a huge upside but an irregular heartbeat?  Michigan DT Maurice Hurst, come on down!  But please, do it slowly.

PK Pick:  Connor Williams, OT Texas.  King actually thinks the Eagles will trade out of this pick.  That seems like a good guess, as the Eagles don’t seem to need anything badly enough to ignore a decent offer from someone looking to jump ahead of the Giants or Browns to start the 2nd round.  But calling trades out of the 2nd, man, that way lies madness.