Coach Carroll’s Weird Mysteries: The Nazca Lines

The Maestro
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The Maestro

The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn’t in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
The Maestro
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Well, folks, it’s the end of the line for me here. I’ve enjoyed my time gallivanting across the world, doing my best to discover hidden secrets and expose the deep-state globalist cabal, but other duties are calling me as the weather warms up and great minds turn their attention back towards the games that men play… with training camp just two months away, I need to get back to my prep for this. This week, I took my final adventure in the Mystery Machine before I head back to Seattle for the rest of the year. Fitting that at the end of my line, I’d be learning more about lines this week…

THE NAZCA LINES

[source]

Location: Nazca Desert, southern Peru

Date: c. 500 BC – 500 AD

The Story: In a remote, arid desert in southern Peru, massive drawings were discovered in 1927 when a Peruvian archaeologist spotted them while hiking through the nearby foothills. These giant drawings, which were made a UNESCO World Heritage Site in 1994, are a highly complex series of lines that include large mazes and a wide variety of animals. To date, more than 70 of these drawings, known as geoglyphs, have been identified, with more emerging as archaeologists expand their research of the site. The lines were created by removing the red sand and rock on the surface of the desert to expose the lighter-colored sand and rock below; they are only between 10 and 30 centimetres in depth, making them potentially quite vulnerable to erosion, wind and heavy rain. As a result of this, their continued existence for possibly over 2000 years makes them an important piece of world heritage, but tricky to restore and protect as well.

Nazca line in the shape of a monkey. [source]

What’s Weird: Nobody is exactly sure what the purpose of these lines are, or even when they were initially constructed. It’s believed that the majority of the lines were built by the Nazca people in the first millennium, but some are believed to be even older, likely constructed by the Paracas and Topará peoples, who predate the Nazca in the area. What makes this most curious is that the drawings are absolutely gigantic – while all of them are observable from hillsides nearby, the best views of the drawings come from planes flying overhead. Considering the primitive tools available to the people of this era, the size of the drawings is all the more remarkable.

“The Spider.” [source]

What might have happened?

A number of theories abound about the purpose of the lines; many people believed initially that the lines were intended to be used initially as guide markers to help point the way to certain key places – possibly as a series of arrows, but they may also have related to constellations of stars in the night sky. Others today believe that the lines are somehow connected to irrigation drains; the Nazca people were successful in constructing canals and aqueducts to help move water through an arid landscape, and some researchers believe the lines may have been a part of that somehow. If this is has some semblance of truth to it, then it also leads to the idea that the Nazca were in fact a far more advanced civilization than previously thought, which would be a very interesting development in the study of the indigenous peoples of South America.

The most exciting, although admittedly implausible, theory to date on the Nazca lines is that they were in fact actually created by visiting aliens, or were the work of collaboration between the people of the region and the visiting space travellers. Due to the enormous size and inability to perceive the lines well from the ground, the use of flying saucers, spacecraft, etc. to guide the drawing thus has some possible merit to it…

This one is known as “The Human”, but this is kind of weird, especially considering the other drawings are pretty accurate anatomically… I’d say this looks more like something visiting from another planet… [source]

Coach Carroll’s Hypothesis: If ANY of my guys say it wasn’t aliens that made these, they are CUT. Even Russell. Sick of this bias against extraterrestrials!

Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, and here.

Banner image courtesy of Low Commander of the Super Soldiers.

***

Thanks to everyone who’s enjoyed this series over the last few months – it has been a real treat for me to get to tag along with Coach Carroll as we jetset around the globe in a minivan. No, I’m not quite sure how that works either, but somehow, it’s all okay. The [DFO] CFL Beat returns next week in this same timeslot – I look forward to bringing you news about the best football that Canada has to offer, and also the Montreal Alouettes. – The Maestro

The Maestro
The Maestro
The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn't in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/author/the-maestro/

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ballsofsteelandfury

The DFO Lines:

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Nailed it.
— Rex Grossman

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

/Brittfar shrinks into nothingness

nomonkeyfun

End of the series, great BTW. So obligatory…

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Beerguyrob

A fitting conclusion. Mad respect for all the background reading you’ve done to keep the series going.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

And then a bunch of Greenpeace dipshits trampled all over one site.

https://news.vice.com/article/drone-footage-shows-extent-of-damage-from-greenpeace-stunt-at-nazca-lines

Senor Weaselo

Hell of a series, Maestro. And it means you can take the foil hat off now, I imagine the hat hair from that gets pretty rough.

yeah right

This has been a spectacular series.

Well done!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s like I always say, if you won’t get into a creepy van with an old conspiracy theorist, then you’ve lost your sense of adventure but possibly not your virginity.

King Hippo

expose the deep-state globalist cabal

Standing round of applause for keeping that perfect Coach Carroll line under wraps until the season finale. 😀

/also “The Human” is a dead ringer for Squidward

LemonJello
LemonJello

Clearly, these were all teams/logos from the Nazca Football League?

Welp, till next off-season, then?
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