The Landover Snyder’s Team Preview 2018

• Alex Smith (QB), not to be confused with Alex Jones or any other leaders with tiny hands
• Adrian Peterson (RB), in a switch from the ‘winning the offseason’ days was signed at veteran’s minimum
• WR Paul Richardson, DE/OLB Pernell McPhee, CB Orlando Scandrick (released)
• Drafted: NT Da’Ron Payne, RB Derrius Guice (IR, ACL), OT Geron Christian, S Troy Apke, CB Adonis Alexander

• Kirk Cousins (QB, Cap’n (hon.)), much to the dismay of people who really liked making incest jokes, and much to the indifference of most other people
• DeAngelo Hall (S) will either join the front office or become an on-air analyst.  I hope he ends up on TV with Cutler.
• WR Terrelle Pryor, WR Ryan Grant, TE Niles Paul, DL Terrell McClain, LB Will Compton, CB Bashaud Breeland

Dan Snyder (asshole) and his current stooge, Jay Gruden (head cooch)

1. Jay Gruden can’t work with QBs that don’t have a natural playing style that fits the one system he knows how to coach
2. Alex Smith is not such a QB
3. The O-line is healthy and talented enough to give Smith enough time to find a receiver
4. But that doesn’t actually matter cause he probably won’t take any chances anyway
5. If they stay healthy, Jordan Reed and Chris Thompson could have some pretty kickass fantasy seasons
6. Jamison Crowder and Josh Doctson probably not so much
7. The run game will probably continue blowfully
8. The run D too, unless Zach Brown does a bunch of awesomes
9. The pass rush might be okay, Kerrigan is still a beast
10. This is where I congratulate myself once again for getting his jersey way back after his rookie year
11. If the pass rush is okay, then the secondary will probably be okay too, cause that’s how this D rolls
12. Montae Nicholson is potentially a long term solution at S
13. Though he’ll probably leave the team if he turns out to be any good, but that’s for future previews
14. Not huge depth at CB, so this is probably where most injuries will occur
15. Seriously, start practicing now, there will probably be open tryouts in the DMV around game 7

There will be turmoil in the Middle East, Trump will say some dumb shit on Twitter and try to deport all Hispanic NFL players, the Redacteds will go 8-8 for 3rd in the NFC East, Dan Snyder will touch some stuff and it will turn to shit like everything else he touches, I will perfect the recipe for basil mojitos, and LA will open their new stadium before it’s finished and try to pass it off as a ‘Mad Max’ theme.