The Landover Snyder’s Team Preview 2018

Doktor Zymm

Doktor Zymm

An expert at time travel*, Doktor Zymm also has the ability to move objects with her mind** and can breath underwater***.

*Forward only, at a preset rate
**Via her hands, usually
***When the water is contained in a glass

Doktor Zymm

Latest posts by Doktor Zymm (see all)

  • Alex Smith (QB), not to be confused with Alex Jones or any other leaders with tiny hands
  • Adrian Peterson (RB), in a switch from the ‘winning the offseason’ days was signed at veteran’s minimum
  • WR Paul Richardson, DE/OLB Pernell McPhee, CB Orlando Scandrick (released)
  • Drafted: NT Da’Ron Payne, RB Derrius Guice (IR, ACL), OT Geron Christian, S Troy Apke, CB Adonis Alexander

  • Kirk Cousins (QB, Cap’n (hon.)), much to the dismay of people who really liked making incest jokes, and much to the indifference of most other people
  • DeAngelo Hall (S) will either join the front office or become an on-air analyst.  I hope he ends up on TV with Cutler.
  • WR Terrelle Pryor, WR Ryan Grant, TE Niles Paul, DL Terrell McClain, LB Will Compton, CB Bashaud Breeland

Dan Snyder (asshole) and his current stooge, Jay Gruden (head cooch)

 

  1. Jay Gruden can’t work with QBs that don’t have a natural playing style that fits the one system he knows how to coach
  2. Alex Smith is not such a QB
  3. The O-line is healthy and talented enough to give Smith enough time to find a receiver
  4. But that doesn’t actually matter cause he probably won’t take any chances anyway
  5. If they stay healthy, Jordan Reed and Chris Thompson could have some pretty kickass fantasy seasons
  6. Jamison Crowder and Josh Doctson probably not so much
  7. The run game will probably continue blowfully
  8. The run D too, unless Zach Brown does a bunch of awesomes
  9. The pass rush might be okay, Kerrigan is still a beast
  10. This is where I congratulate myself once again for getting his jersey way back after his rookie year
  11. If the pass rush is okay, then the secondary will probably be okay too, cause that’s how this D rolls
  12. Montae Nicholson is potentially a long term solution at S
  13. Though he’ll probably leave the team if he turns out to be any good, but that’s for future previews
  14. Not huge depth at CB, so this is probably where most injuries will occur
  15. Seriously, start practicing now, there will probably be open tryouts in the DMV around game 7

There will be turmoil in the Middle East, Trump will say some dumb shit on Twitter and try to deport all Hispanic NFL players, the Redacteds will go 8-8 for 3rd in the NFC East, Dan Snyder will touch some stuff and it will turn to shit like everything else he touches, I will perfect the recipe for basil mojitos, and LA will open their new stadium before it’s finished and try to pass it off as a ‘Mad Max’ theme.

Doktor Zymm
Doktor Zymm
An expert at time travel*, Doktor Zymm also has the ability to move objects with her mind** and can breath underwater***. *Forward only, at a preset rate **Via her hands, usually ***When the water is contained in a glass

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I am intrigued by these basil mojitos of which you speak.

litre_cola

I just feel Peterson will have a great year. I feel it in my loins.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nicely done Dok.

And I think it’s much more likely the LA’s stadium will go all “Bane”, courtesy of one LCSS who shall remain nameless. (Oh wait, sorry LCSS for revealing your plan)

blaxabbath

“This Zymm gets it.”

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King Hippo

Also, the Purple (Balls) Jesus varietal Redacteds deserve a fiery death even MOAR than normal. But good preview, Dok.

/does NOT smack ass, is gentleman

Horatio Cornblower

One of you wanted to join the Gratuitous Simpsons Reference FF league, but I can’t remember who. Let me know.

Also, if anyone wants to be the commissioner of said league, let me know ASAP because I am running that fucker into the ground.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Don’t we draft tonight? I still don’t know what to call my team this year.

Horatio Cornblower

I changed it to Thursday because I fucked up the EST-to-PST transition and had the draft starting at 12:15 am EST, tomorrow.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wow, you weren’t kidding!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It still says we’re drafting tonight…

LemonJello
LemonJello

I am running that fucker into the ground.

-A plethora of NFL coaches nod knowingly

King Hippo

If you don’t find any volunteers, I’ll do it. Because I am a junkie, you see.