Your “Back To Everything” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

Man, going back to work sucks.


NFL News

  • Le’Veon Bell is still a ghost at the Steelers facility, and he hasn’t yet signed his franchise tag contract.
    • Soothsayer Maurkice Pouncey has divined Bell will show up Wednesday.
    • Either way, Bell has until November 13th to sign & show up.
      • Every game he misses, however, costs him $865,000.
  • Trying to prove that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, the Bills have brought in Paxton Lynch.
    • Mostly because they announced their starter as Nathan Peterman.
  • Jerry Jones would like you to know he has tremendous respect for Nike.
    • And in no way does their sponsorship of Colin Kaepernick have any bearing on his collusion lawsuit, no sirree bob.
      • But it might, sorta come up during arguments about financial hardship, y’know.
  • John Harbaugh went full “blame the victim” when he talked about kicker Kaare Vedvik & the injuries he suffered Saturday night in a bar fight.
    “Not our fault!”
    • “It was disappointing for him because I think it cost him a chance to kick in this league,” Ray Lewis’ former head coach said Monday. “He would’ve had a shot. There were plenty of trade talks.”
    • He followed that up with more sage advice that could have been used in Atlanta at the 2000 Super Bowl:
      • “My dad said, ‘Nothing good ever happens after midnight.’ And it was well after midnight,” Harbaugh said. “So, we’ll be talking to the young guys next year. Be a little smarter. Be more aware of your surroundings. Don’t be by yourself. Understand that there are people out there that have maligned intentions, especially when you’re a young guy and maybe even if you’re a Raven football player.”

Tonight’s sports:

  • MLB:
    • Rays at Jays – 7:00Pm | Sportsnet
    • Angels at Rangers – 8:00PM | FS1
    • Yankees at A’s – 10:00PM | Sportsnet1 / MLBN
  • U.S. Open Tennis:
    • Men’s and Women’s Quarterfinals – 7:00PM | ESPN / TSN
  • WNBA Playoff: Game 5:
    • Washington Mystics at Atlanta Dream – 8:00PM | ESPN2
  • Futbol:
    • Women’s International Friendly: U.S. vs. Chile – 10:00PM | ESPN2
  • WWE:
    • Smackdown LIve! – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360

Only this many hours

until football returns. YIPPEE!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighLemonJellotheeWeeBabySeamusBrettFavresColonoscopyBrick Meathook Recent comment authors
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ok, let’s go down this rabbithole

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Just fired off a scathing email to my landlord. Ask me anything.

theeWeeBabySeamus

In the word “scent”…is it the “s” or the “c” that’s silent?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yes

theeWeeBabySeamus

If I try to fail, but succeed anyway….which one did I do?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

(1:19)

theeWeeBabySeamus

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Ooops, I should have scrolled back earlier to what I’d missed.
Sorry Moosey.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That and other are worth the rehash.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Today in the mail I got brochure explaining why now is a good time to make preparations for my own cremation.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I also received a check from the United States Treasury for $1.62

ballsofsteelandfury

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Look Brick, your remains just don’t justify the real estate for a proper burial.

Plus, you’ll make a great light show with all the residual chemicals.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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ballsofsteelandfury

I still laugh my ass off every time I see that scene.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Me too.
And we should definitely put Brick Meathook in a coffee can after they roast him.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Steakburger & Fries
The Apple Pan, West Los Angeles
about an hour ago
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I was told that’s the best burger in LA. Is that true?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

And why didn’t you invite me? I could have stopped on my way back from LAX.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I drove past it and just went in! If I had known I would have invited you. It is really good though.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Raincheck

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

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Senor Weaselo

Holy hell, we get an Adeiny Hechaverria home run call by John Sterling now. I’m sure it’ll be atrocious.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Bases loaded, nobody out? Yanks score one run on a walk. I swear, the only place you’d find as little scoring in opportune situations would be if I went to a brothel.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Why is Kuiper calling this game? He’s a dirt Niners guy!

Senor Weaselo

Beats me, I’m watching the YES feed.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

I just googled. He’s the younger brother of the dirt niners guy.

Also, my condolences.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

My fantasy hopes rest on Bell and Wentz.

/Lights $50 on fire

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This would make a great porn.

or buddy turned romcom adventure, which ever.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Cocaine? You bet I do!”

– Martina Hingis

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[appears suddenly]

– Jennifer Capriati

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, but it was originally for the ball handling skills.

Doktor Zymm

Are racist dogs now chewing exclusively on Nikes?

WCS

Just the whistles.

herodotus450
herodotus450

I’ll be in my bunk
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Redshirt

(overhead at malls and shoe stores everywhere)

Parent: “You are not getting Nike shoes.”
Kid: “Why? Because you’re a racist?”
Parent: “No, because I’m not spending $150 for f***ing shoes!”

Doktor Zymm

Will Harbaugh be handing out rape whistle necklaces to the team next year?

herodotus450
herodotus450

He should move his kids to a better school if that’s the case.
/Because he was fired and is now coaching middle-schoolers, you see.

herodotus450
herodotus450

I’m seeing double!

WCS

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

What is my sock drawer, Alex?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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jjfozz

Draft almost at an end. I loathe fantasy football. Why am I playing it?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I did it for a few years and it made even angrier than I normally am. I enjoy NFL games much more without the hassle.

herodotus450
herodotus450

If Maria were my daughter, you know, perhaps I would be dating her
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Apparently Disney’s doing a version of The Nutcracker. Morgan Freeman is Drosselmeyer, but I don’t see him doing ballet, and I would only go if it’s two hours of that.

herodotus450
herodotus450

In the spirit of compromise, players should be allowed to kneel, but only to the confederate flag. Everyone gets what they want!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Tim Tebow should lead the kneeling holding up a sword that has pierced through a burning Bible. He then tosses the charred Bible into a 55-gallon drum filled with gasoline and then leads everyone through a round of “Y-M-C-A” by the light of the flaming inferno. Then everyone stands at attention, puts their hand over their heart, and recites The Pledge of Allegiance. THEN they sing the National Anthem.

jjfozz

After which, they all roll out prayer rugs and face Mecca.

Redshirt

Once again, I gotta fix everyone’s mess.

If someone can sing the entire National Anthem (including the verse created in the Civil War), they are allowed to kneel and have one free punch or kick at a dirty cop convicted by a court of law by a jury of his peers.

If they fail in the attempt though, not only do they have to stand, they have to stand at attention for both the National Anthem and All Pregame Festivities and run 5 laps around the field. Backwards.

Fronkenshteen

Two nights from tonight, many of us will be getting stoned because it’s halftime. That’s a warming thought.

litre_cola

HAI Fronk!

Senor Weaselo

Who of us will be getting stoned for saying that that halibut was good enough for Jehovah?

litre_cola

JEHOVAH! JEHOVAH! JEHOVAH!

jjfozz

I continue to have a weak spot for Belinda Carlisle. One of her songs was popular when I was in college. When I was happy. And dumb. And happy.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’ll never forget that time back in the ’80s when Belinda Carlisle called me and asked me to come over and get her pregnant but I couldn’t because I was in bed with The Bangles at that exact same moment.

Fronkenshteen

Brick Meathook is Tommy Lee?!?!
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I used to give him drugs and let him sit in my car.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I had a very similar dream. WEIRD.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Oh great, now she’s got chlamydia
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jjfozz

And a hankering for menthol flavored lifesavers

litre_cola

Superb.

herodotus450
herodotus450

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litre_cola

Seems fitting,

Redshirt
Redshirt

I just noticed the u-word. As an act on contrition, I will now watch the following video.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’m proud of Kaepernick.

It took a lot of guts to parlay a civil rights stand into a paycheck from a company built on slave labor in Malaysia and Vietnam that is based in the mecca of racial tolerance that is Oregon and who probably paid him at a discount due to his “circumstance” and who will now tell him what to say and when as long as it moves overpriced shoes among economically disadvantaged youths.

Well played.

jjfozz

I’m going to borrow this. The millenials I work with don’t know shit about football, and are jerking themselves off over this entire story. They also don’t know shit about anything.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Actuaily word is Nike picked him up because two of their competitors were looking at him. There may have even been a bidding war!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Ka-ching! A principled stand is that much sweeter when it goes to the highest bidder.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Good for him. Anything to troll the not-libs

herodotus450
herodotus450

Maria after being told her restraining order has been granted.
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litre_cola

Evening commentists, I hope you are well and have burnt all things that you deem on the wrong side of whatever political leaning you are.

jjfozz

Jesus Christ, I’m so tired of America.

Redshirt

We’ve been over this hundreds of times 0.264 gal_soda. I can’t burn Michael Moore. That would be a felony and I’m not even certain fat is flammable.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah…can’t really do that because as an atheist I’d be protesting the prevalence of Christianity in politics, which would mean I’d have to burn crosses, which, well, you know.

Redshirt

So what god(s) would you be offending for burning a lower case t?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, no, it’s that I’m not one of those that works forces. So it wouldn’t really be appropriate for me to burn crosses.

jjfozz

Oldest Fozz Spawn started high school today. I have no idea how this happened. I tied his tie today, and had to peek over his shoulders because he’s three inches taller than me. I remember bringing him home from the hospital and wondering, “What the hell do I do now?”

It got dusty in the car on the ride to work. Damn dust.

tomsellecksmoustache
tomsellecksmoustache

I’m sure in two years he’ll be bringing his own little one home from the hospital and wondering, “Dad, what the hell do I do now?”

jjfozz

He won’t but the middle Fozz Spawn will be getting condoms for his 13th birthday, because that kid is destined to knock someone up.

Redshirt

Give him the same speech my parents gave me:

“Son we love you and trust you, but as God is our witness, if you knock someone up, we reserve the right to replace you with the girl and our grandchild.”

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A tie? Are you sure you weren’t taking him to a court appearance?

LemonJello
LemonJello

It’s Balmer, so same thing?

herodotus450
herodotus450
jjfozz

I like your name, sir or madam. Well done.

herodotus450
herodotus450

“ra cqu et-se xual” is apparently a trigger word for the Automated DFO Kontent Politburo system. Add it to the list!

herodotus450
herodotus450

Can only assume the person who framed and shot this picture was some kind of racquet-sexual.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Hawt Taek: I’m getting really sick of the “She-Shier She Shed” commercial.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Me Too!”

– Mike Mayock

Senor Weaselo

There was a good Southwest Airlines commercial I saw today. Padre Weaselo and I laughed for a solid minute.

herodotus450
herodotus450

I guess she lost last night. Pretty soon she’ll be used to disappointing early exits ending in tears, then it’s my time to shine.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

…used to disappointing early exits ending in tears…

For a second there I thought you were referring to me after my last date.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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herodotus450
herodotus450

Not nearly enough fuzzy balls getting paddled back and forth between two women to be considered a date.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Yeah, I’ll never make that mistake. Again.

jjfozz

Our draft is cranking along. I’m still not happy.

Redshirt

Everyone put your beer down. The NFL has commented on Nike-gate and I don’t want anyone to waste beer with a spit take.

https://www.msn.com/en-us/sports/nfl/nfl-releases-statement-on-nike-kaepernick-deal/ar-BBMSoZk?ocid=spartanntp.

Redshirt

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There! FIFY!

ballsofsteelandfury

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herodotus450
herodotus450

Then again maybe we should listen to what those Russians have to say…
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theeWeeBabySeamus

I believe I wish that skirt was shorter.

herodotus450
herodotus450

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Redshirt
Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

“Believe in something?”

What does that even mean? Like believe in Santa Claus, or chemtrails?

Nike had to use that because “stand for something” would’ve been just too funny.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I believe I’d like to be blackout drunk within 2 hours.
Does that count?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Anybody can believe in anything is what I’m saying. Believing and doing are two different things.

Now get out there and hit that bottle! Hard!

theeWeeBabySeamus

/punches bottle
//breaks hand

jjfozz

My feelings about the anthem protests changes daily. I understand the issues, but having first responders and veterans in my family is also something that impacts me. Fuck everybody.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

First reponders and veterans should understand by this point that the anthem protests have no more to do with them than the Pledge of Allegiance does.

jjfozz

Rikki – I get that, so do they. The conflict in myself results from being brought up in a partriotic family that loved this country because coming to it changed their lives. And yes, I see that that statement is ironic, since this same country didn’t do that for other minorities.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No they are saving the “stand for something” campaign for when Shazier comes back.

jjfozz

Well the online service we are trying just shit the bed. I would rather be locked in a closet with a Donald Trump and covered in fire ants

ballsofsteelandfury

Those AOL floppy disks must be defective or something…

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Nothing personal, but I would love to see Donnie Bitch Tits locked in a closet with another guy who was covered in fire ants, because some of the fire ants would get on him.

Redshirt

What did fire ants do to you guys to deserve this?!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“RRRRR!!! FIRE BAD!!!”

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Redshirt

(reading about Democrats joining protesters at SCOTUS confirmation hearing while at work) “Geez, way to disrupt things.”

(sees works and sees how Republicans completely ignored Democrats protests when all they could’ve done is say they’re Out of Order or put to a vote that they’ll win on a party line margin) “Wow. The Democrats were right?!”

You all are being a positive influence in me and making me a more open-minded individual. Stop that or I swear I will hunt you all down to my dying breath.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Just make sure you don’t go too far and end up as open-minded as JFK.

Redshirt

Wait a minute. Do I still get to nail people as hot as Jackie Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe, because I think that might be worth checking out early.

jjfozz

He had a good head on his shoulders, and on his neck, and on jackie, and on the back of that car . . .

jjfozz

I’m doing my draft. My uncle usually does it for our team. I fucking hate this. I want to beat the shit out of hte fucking toolshed who came up with this idea. Goddamn it.

blackroseMD1

Exactly how I felt last night when, for some godawful reason, our commissioner scheduled our draft for 9 PM. That was some pure hatedrafting and somehow I’m predicted to go undefeated on the year.

I need to look into how hate can optimize other aspects of my life.

jjfozz

I’m an expert on hate. It is the fuel that drives the machine. Even though I’m just about 50, it remains a strong force in my life. Keep practicing!

Redshirt

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m eagerly awaiting the Keifer Sutherland picture tomorrow.

blackroseMD1

I’m starting to understand Jay Cutler on a fundamental level, I think, after the last week I’ve had.
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litre_cola

I fucking love this!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

😀
I’m quite tempted to print this out and hand out copies, mostly to family members.
/has also had a shitty week