Hey Rube: Your 2018 Buffalo Bills Season “Preview”

“So maybe there’s hope. Or maybe I’m going mad… In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upward mobile — and the rest of us are fucked until we can put our acts together: Not necessarily to Win, but mainly to keep from Losing Completely.” -Hunter S. Thompson, The Great Shark Hunt

Every year, it gets a little sadder.  A little more diminished.  Your expectations get lower and lower, until you take a step back and see what your fandom has become.  Leave aside the Anthem question, and the relentless advance of cynical commercialization that would choke the Marlboro Man.  Look past the doubts that creep into every thinking football fan’s mind about the moral defensibility of watching young men destroy themselves and each other for our amusement.  I mean look at your base level fandom.  Your vibrant enthusiasm fades, like the colors on your favorite Sunday Afternoon Football Watchin’ Shirt.  And like that shirt, you end up washed out. Faded. Fraying at the edges.

JUST KIDDING! Everything’s fine, everything’s great! Especially if you’re a fan of the Buffalo Bills! Everything’s looking up up UP!

Yes, our most valuable player last year was Andy Dalton.  And yes, the Bills wouldn’t have needed the sole heroic moment of Dalton’s career to get into the playoffs if our hydrocephalic Ron Howard Clone of a coach hadn’t decided to bench Tur-rod Taylor midweek before playing the surprisingly competitive Real Chargers FC.   But it happened! In a moment of almost pure joy, the Bills finally made it back to the playoffs for the first time since the Immaculate Deception perpetrated by the reviled Frank Wycheck.  For one moment, the Bills were not a punchline, not a trivia answer, not an afterthought.  Sucky had become Plucky, and every fan with the least sense of romance and wonder  in their soul saw something beautiful.

And we promptly pissed it away.  We took the wave of league-wide good feelings, of momentum, of sheer fucking DESTINY and we rode it directly into a vertical cliff.  You were there. You saw Blake Bortles bash Buffalo Bills’ brains into borscht. No need to belabor the point.

“No, no. Calm down. Learn to enjoy Losing.”

Because everything’s going to be FINE!  Trading our  relatively cheap, semi-effective starting quarterback for a third-rounder was a Brilliant Strategy, at least when viewed against the general expectation that our Carolina Reject GM was going to release him outright for…um…

Well shit, nobody knows why Brandon Beane was so fucking intent on getting rid of Taylor.  As near as I can tell, Beane and Coach Opie were simply hellbent on getting rid of every recognizable name from the previous regime (save Teflon Shady McCoy, who I assume has job security because he knows where Beane and Sean McDermott live and has a crew of guys who would Pay Them A Visit).

Actually, I lied.  Most of us understand what happened:  Beane and McDermott came onboard to what they thought would be a straight rebuilding project: burn it to the ground, take your lumps for a year or two and build your new team out of high draft picks and smart mid-level free agent acquisitions.  The problem was that what should have been a 5-11 team just kept winning.  The Bills– by design– were not supposed to sniff the playoffs until 2020.  Winning put them in danger of staying in the Fatally Mediocre Zone, and we couldn’t have that.  So Management went ahead and clear-cut the forest anyway.  It was the football equivalent of the Bring Out Your Dead scene in Monty Python, when the old man keeps protesting that he’s not dead yet until the cartman finally knocks him on the head.

So that’s where we’re at.  We’re on the Plague Cart. I’m not going to bore you with a position-by-position breakdown, nor a Why My Team Sucks recitation of how horrible it is to be a Bills fan in the Year of Our Lord, Two Thousand and Eighteen.

Because none of that matters. There is a reason to rejoice in this, the hour of our suckitude.  In a disgusting parody of the hated Process, this year is about being bad enough to be good later.  Beane structured his moves so that the team would absorb a huge lump of dead money this year (currently at $53 million according to Spotrac, nearly 1/3 of their cap spending), drafted a developmental quarterback, brought in relatively little outside talent and traded as many mid-career guys as he could.  The clear-cutting analogy is close, but not quite right: more like slash-and-burn.  Beane and McDermott have succeeded in the “burn it down” part spectacularly, so at least there’s that.

So I embrace our walking punchline of a starting quarterback.  I accept the offensive line that is more turnstile than brick wall.  I welcome the fact that our exciting young receiver had exactly one highlight-reel play all year, and that was him shaking off coverage while running a naked post route while…um…naked.  I fucking celebrate these facts!  If Josh Allen can actually spend a year on the bench, learning an NFL offense, developing big-boy footwork and learning not to say fucking racist shit, it will be a year well spent in the cellar.  With a little bit of luck and the impending arrest of Tom Brady’s steroid dealer, maybe the 2019 Bills will have a shot.

Prediction:

“We’d gone in search of the American dream. It had been a lame fuck around. A waste of time. There was no point in looking back. Fuck no, not today, thank you kindly. My heart was filled with joy. I felt like a monster reincarnation of Horatio Alger, a man on the move, and just sick enough to be totally confident.”

4-12. Foxborough delenda est.

 

 

 

 

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem
Feared conqueror; scholar; poet; revered holy man; professional raconteur; soldier of fortune; gentle yet thorough lover; bandit; blazing gypsy speedboat. I have been called most of these things.
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King HippoMoose -The End Is Well NighBrettFavresColonoscopyWCSnomonkeyfun Recent comment authors
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What do Bills fans do during the summer?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

This Bills team makes Jim Kelly’s jaw drop.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That is gold Gerry, GOLD.

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WCS

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The Dolphins will not be good and I can see the Williams losing to them twice.

blaxabbath

They’re gonna go 6-9-1 just to make sure that they are, again, in draft purgatory next year.

Sharkbait

Nice

Gronk

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

the gift I want from The Shield this 2018 season…a team that Draws thrice. Especially if it’s a really good or bad team.

Like 11-2-3

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

Good thing he didn’t do that against the P*ts, he would have gotten the first penalty for leading with the head.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

Who says Pennington has a noodle arm? One shot!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Our hero.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

that’s the future HoFer Peterman BTW

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The Bills do love their cocaine.

King Hippo

u try living in WNY sober ,, smh

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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here’s a Bills’ jersey…… I think.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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maybe not

Beerguyrob

“Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.”

This was exact, precise, insightful, and far superior to the analyses I made.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m a huge fan of the Nathan Peterman experiment as it really cements the Peter Principle.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

It’s much breezier to make J Peterman jokes, rather than Brokeback QB ones with respect to their yuuuuuuge homophobe redneck rookie.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Will these be the most competitive games for each of these teams?

King Hippo

call me stupid (accurate!) but I think the Jest are runaway favourites for 2nd in this loose stool division.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

I find it amusing that there is a “Johnson” right next to that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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This review cuts to the bone, very good. I went with 5-11, but generally agree. My hatred for the Bills is really only because they can’t get their shit together enough to beat the fucking P*triots. You’d think that would be goal #1….. maybe it is, which makes it worse.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Stumbled on this:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

Hey, at least Yairo Munoz is giving the #BFIB a real Devil Magic boost down the stretch!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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litre_cola

Is there a guy in buffalo who makes tables?

First you get the tables then you get the money then you get the women?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The creator of Excel had the same philosophy.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

RIKKI: Buffalo Bills? That means…

[checks byline]

RIKKI: Fuck yeah!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Ian Scott McCormick

“You saw Blake Bortles bash Buffalo Bills’ brains into borscht.”

12-23, 87 yards, 1 TD. Real scorched earth stuff.

Sharkbait

Bortles’ ballwork breaks Buffalo Bills backers brittle brains.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Obviously someone got their coffee.
Nice.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

He was lulling the Yinzers to sleep. It worked.

Also, Even Week!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It has always bugged me that people refer to this as a choke job by Norwood. It wasn’t a choke. It was just a miss.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

AND it was a fucking difficult kick; the choke was not getting the fucking ball closer.

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King Hippo

YUP. Not great game management (caveat, I was watching last drive through one half-open eye coming off a brutal migraine), but it certainly seemed like Levy settled for sommet like a 60/40 kick to me, when the G-Men were on they heels.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

They missed a few plays during the drive. All that said; those were damn good resilient Bills teams.

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King Hippo

Indeed. As any Donks WOO!!! fan will tell ya…not an easy era for an AFC ninja, yo.

/that Jan. 1992 (post-91 season) AFC title game in Orchard Park still chaps my ass, and I will NEVER forgive Dan Reeves for it, though Dallas was unbeatable that year anyhow.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Was that where the wind was blowing like fuck and Kelly could throw in it but Elway couldn’t?

King Hippo

Elway got dinged up early, then finally sacked in the end zone and fumbled for a defensive TD. He was playing hurt forever but Reeves refused to put Kubes in (only Elway knew he planned to retire) until like halfway through Q4 at 0-10. He promptly led a TD drive (Sewell was having a career day) Donks got the onside kick, then Bruce Smith makes an incredible play (after Sewell had initially juked him out of his jock to start the run to recover and knock the ball loose inside the 30 after a big gain.

I went on like a 2 hour walk in 30 degree weather to calm down. Kubes goes in at the half, we win that fucker.

LemonJello
LemonJello

I give this preview seven out of six burning folding tables.
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well shit.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Besmirch Bortles? Banishment to Bulgaria!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Besmirching Bortles is Benign. Let’s all Barnstorm to the Bahamas or Barbados and do Booze and Blow with some Broads until we Burp and/or Bite the dust.

Sharkbait

Bravo!

*is not creative before coffee.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Bastard!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

By Brunhilde’s bronze bodice, a better bacchanal of debauchery has never been beheld!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Actually, I realized after I hit post comment, I should have said “Binge Booze and Blow off of Broads Butts”.

Sorry, I really Blundered.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ballsofsteelandfury

Real Chargers FC is fucking perfect.

King Hippo

it almost made me consider forsaking Shitty Clippers

/I sez almost

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

If I start making sense, I prolly had a stroke.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Hippo IS Coach Kubiak? Who knew?

King Hippo

I thought the Shave Our Pubes FOAR Kubes! campaign had already given me away?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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