Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- Your “The Sun Rises on the Factory” Saturday Morning Open Thread – February 16, 2019
- Request Line: Duets – February 15, 2019
- Request Line: Coffee is for Closers – February 8, 2019
INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY
A pair of sleazy Hollywood producers are taking a meeting. One (DARKEST TIMELINE ZACH MORRIS) is seated at his desk with a bottle of Apple brand glass cleaner and an Apple brand lint-free cloth polishing his Apple Watch while the other (RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY) lays recumbent on the coach, a pair of cucumber slices held pressed to his eyes by a wet towel.
DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: [eyes focused on the watch he is polishing]…and unless it’s part of a comic book franchise…
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: …or popular series of adolescent books…
DTZM: …or it’s a horror film concept…
RTD: …or a science-fiction/horror film concept…
DTZM: …we just don’t do sequels.
RYAN PACE: I get that, I get that, I really do. But what if…and bear with me here…it isn’t a sequel?
DTZM: Come again?
RYAN PACE: What if the 2018 Bears season is…a reboot.
DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS looks up from his Apple Watch. RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY sits up so quickly the cucumber slices go flying.
DTZM: Go on…
RYAN PACE: But why TELL you when I can SHOW you. Come on in, boys.
Four men (MITCH TRUBISKY, JORDAN HOWARD, KEVIN WHITE, AND KHALIL MACK) step into the room and arrange themselves in a line. MITCH TRUBISKY, at one end of the line, is holding three oranges in his hands. He steps forward and begins juggling them. He progresses through a basic cascade pattern, then switches to a shower, then finishes things off with what’s known as “juggler’s tennis”. He catches three balls, takes a little bow, and steps back.
RYAN PACE: [gestures at TRUBISKY] Eh?
Next, JORDAN HOWARD steps forward and holds up two metal rings with a flourish. He takes the rings and then dashes them together, then theatrically displays that they are now linked together. He hands them to RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY, who tugs on them and confirms that they are, in fact, joined. JORDAN HOWARD then takes them back and yanks them apart, once again displaying them as separate. He nods, then steps back into line.
He is followed by KEVIN WHITE, who steps forward and begins to dance a little jig.
RYAN PACE: [shutting him down] Okay, okay, okay, that’s enough, Kevin. We gotta save you for the games.
KHALIL MACK then steps forward and takes a long look at DARKEST TIMELINE ZACH MORRIS’ desk, which is mostly bare save for a few sheets of paper, some cocaine residue, and a Macbook Pro.
KHALIL MACK throws a black sheet over the desk, then whips it away in a single smooth motion.
DTZM: Wait, how did you…
KHALIL MACK puts a finger to his lips and then points to the window. Everyone in the room follows his lead and gazes out the window at the Century City skyline, with the Hollywood sign just barely visible in the distance.
KHALIL MACK crosses over and turns the rod that closes the mini-blinds, darkening the office for a moment. He then reverses direction and opens the view again, revealing…
RTD: Wait, is that…um…
DTZM: …not Los Angeles?
RTD: Yeah, what city is that?
RYAN PACE: [somewhat miffed] It’s Chicago.
DTZM: Wow. That’s quite an illusion.
RYAN PACE: [losing patience] It’s no illusion. You have literally been transported to Chicago. That is what Khalil Mack has brought to this team. He’s elevated everyone else’s confidence up to the point where they can perform basic football tasks competently, and he, well, he can do things that simply defy rational belief. Sure, we lost to Aaron Rodgers’ last-minute heroics again. And sure, Kevin White still hasn’t caught a pass yet this season. And sure we mortgaged this franchise’s future on a single player. But look at how it’s paying off! Our defense, which was already our strong point, is legitimately terrifying. Our offense is…functional. This is the kind of team that Chicago hasn’t seen since 1985.
RTD: So you think you have a chance to win the Super Bowl?
RYAN PACE: What? No, no, no. Good God, no. We’ll finish at 10-6 and lose in the divisional round. It’ll be a fun ride, though.