Welcome to the second [DFO] BattleBots Awards! With the rebranding this season of the BattleBots Beat, we (I) decided that we needed something cleverer than the generic “BattleBots Awards.” But all the good fasteners were taken (the Giant Nut and Bolt by BattleBots, the Giant Screw was a thing that one year and they should totally bring it back, BattleBots Update has the Giant Washers, and Giant Nail—you don’t really use nails to build robots). So instead, we’ll just go with the Beaties, because 1), it fits in with #branding, and 2) it’s the closest we can get to something sounding vaguely sexual, like the Giant Nut. Or the Giant Screw for that matter. So it’s the Beaties. All right. But before the Beaties, the BattleBots official awards are out, and here they are.

Best Design: Jonathan Schultz, Team HUGE, HUGE

Well, this one’s pretty simple. HUGE took the idea from Tiny Huge and Huge, and blew it up to HUGE-size. And unlike Gabriel across the pond, it wasn’t a thwackbot, but ran a surprisingly tactical vertical spinner. And you know what? It worked pretty well, disabling weapons left and right, including eventual champ Bite Force’s vertical bar. It does have a weakness though, as, unlike Gabriel, whose solid wheels proved able to withstand Carbide’s blows, HUGE’s spoked HDPE wheels were no match for spinning weapons, like Icewave’s powerful horizontal bar, which cut through the wheels giving it ample opportunity to hit HUGE between the eyes and break it in half, a shot which ultimately caused their demise in the round of 16 against Bite Force as well. All in all, HUGE showed for the first time in a long time that you don’t need your armor made of metal to show your mettle in BattleBots, and if they can figure out the weight to come up with some sort of offense/defense depending on fighting spinners or not they could be a dark horse for next year. I said dark horse, Kenny! Not a top-4 option!

Most Destructive: Team Revolution, RotatoR

The upset of the Giant Bolts! I was certain it was going to be Icewave, as was basically everyone else. I mean, Icewave only went ahead and broke two robots in half! But no, they gave it to Icewave’s slayer. Officially the term is “gourmet damage” as determined by the judges, whatever that means. And the damage that RotatoR did to both Skorpios and Icewave definitely counts. Skorpios’s weapon was never the same and they had to use an angle grinder, and that fight against Icewave might very well be the last time we see the infamous bot breaker, since because the engine is totally wrecked Mark DeVidts is considering other weapon motors for future seasons. That’s monumental damage.

Founder’s Award: Team Monsoon, Monsoon

I’m not entirely sure what the Founder’s Award entails in terms of how to get it. It’s a little more nuanced than the other Giant Bolt awards, as it’s Greg Munson and Trey Roski’s decision to make. But as it’s given to “the team that embodies the spirit of BattleBots,” I totally understand. These guys were a lot of fun, as were their fights, as was everyone (read: mostly Faruq) yelling MONSOOOOOOOOOOOOOON! So, good on you guys, Team Monsoon, and may you return to RAIN DOWN THE PAIN.

So… those the only awards that were given out this year. Which is surprising because of the award you’d expect to get given out, so I’m making a judgement call. I’VE GONE MAD WITH POWER!

Best Driver: Matthew Vasquez, Team Fast Electric Robots, Whiplash

I mean, we’ve only said it about three dozen times. And did you hear that he’s only 19? And here I am, not driving robots like I stole them. Or Bobcats like I stole them. Or zambonis like I stole them. I did get to drive a golf cart around campus when I was in college for admissions events and stuff, but as I was still 17 the first time I got to do that I drove it more like I was absolutely going to die. I didn’t, though.

Anyway I have no idea why there wasn’t a Best Driver Bolt this season, but come on. This season as Matt Vasquez’s coming-out party—okay, it was the whole team’s, but especially Matt’s. Debbie Vasquez gave a sad react when I asked about the lack of award on Facebook. It doesn’t mean anything, but hey, maybe they’ll read this? (Ron Howard narrator: They didn’t.)

Now, the “they did it that one time” award, with a little bit of a spin on it. This is the point in the Beaties where you can start racking up the awards, in case you were wondering.

Giant Screw, single fight: Team Icewave, Icewave (fight against RotatoR)

First, I slightly fucked up in my recap of this fight. I thought RotatoR had both disks on but it only had the top one, opting for a wedge on the bottom. Obviously it worked, because in three minutes RotatoR destroyed the engine of one of the most powerful kinetic energy weapons in BattleBots. There is nothing left of that engine. There is nothing left of that engine bay. Icewave is ICE-less, and it is such a clean slate, such a total loss that Mark DeVidts has been polling watchers of the show and others what to do for next season, because as a result, he is entirely free of having that signature engine. That could have been Icewave’s last fight, and it was absolutely gruesome. Granted, the drive was pretty much fine, all the damage was weapon damage. But that means Icewave survived what could have been its last fight, but that’s the hollowest, most Pyrrhic victory it could be.

Honorable mentions of weapon damage go to Skorpios, also in its fight against RotatoR (which is why the twin spinner gets a Most Destructive honorable mention), and honorable mentions for the whole robot got fucked up go to Hypothermia for the fight against Minotaur; and for the below team.

Giant Screw, entire season: Team Late Night Racing, Free Shipping

Yes, Free Shipping, the bot that was gonna set something on fire, it didn’t matter what. Sure, it went 1-3, but Gary Gin essentially took his prized robot Original Sin and put the silliest weapon he could have possibly thought of, a forklift. And a fuck-ton of fire. The forklift got mangled again and again, leading to it getting totally ripped off in the final fight against WAR Hawk, which meant there was a thwackbot improvisation, because otherwise it wouldn’t be legal. And of course copious amounts of fire. Often to itself. That may earn it another award, by the way. And of course because Original Sin is nigh unkillable short of taking off all four wheels (and I mean all four, he will still try to drive it with one wheel left and it’ll still fucking work, because Gary Gin is crazy, brilliant, and crazy brilliant. So yeah, 1-3, set itself on fire a whole bunch, never got KOed though it won its fight via that method. That’s a Giant Screw award there! And Original Sin’ll just have to defend its title at RoboGames for the umpteenth time in 2019—

Ah, dammit. That is from the guy who runs RoboGames, BTW. He also built Spin Doctor for King of Bots, which Forrest and Jim Yeh were also a part of. Well fuck. Let’s move on for now.

Stripped Screw Award: Team Black and Blue, DUCK!

If we remember from last outing, the Stripped Screw is for the robot who got the worst of the so-called bad beats, who was the one on the hook for the most questionable call. In short, yes, this one’s for the rumble. I don’t know if Bombshell beating Tombstone made people feel better about it or worse, like a what could have been. So at least take this consolation award, Hal and Hannah Rucker. It’s the least we can do. We loved DUCK! and we hope it’s back for Season 4.

Brass Ball Bearings: Team Seems Reasonable, Tantrum

The Brass Ball Bearings is for the team against the greatest odds but putting on a courageous display. And what could be more courageous then saying, “Sure, Hardcore Robotics. We’ll fight Tombstone in a whiteboard match!” Did it go well? No. No it did not. Didn’t expect it to. But hey, the bot mostly held up! Well, the armor did. Except for the fists. And the internals didn’t do great from the start. There’s some work to be done for next year, I think they’d admit it. But that’s okay!

Mismatch of the Year: HyperShock vs. Battle Royale with Cheese

This does not count as something like the Brass Ball Bearings award. This is basically the exact opposite. This is a fight that was over before it started, we all knew it, and one robot completely was going to outclass the other.

It was a tough year for HyperShock, getting gutted by Bite Force, being a giant Van der Graaf generator, and generally being a little bit too insane in the membrane. But on the other hand, there was Battle Royale with Cheese, which was a robot that looks like a bacon cheeseburger, and the bacon was supposed to be the weapon, and like the goggles, did nothing. So, it went as expected. And that’s why it was Mismatch of the Year.

Upset of the Year: Bombshell winning the Last Chance Rumble and making the quarterfinals

This has to be a two-parter, because without the first, the second doesn’t happen. And without the second there’s maybe slightly less salt. Bombshell, as we know, went 0-4. But because of its schedule, or the grace of the producers, or some third thing, Bombshell got an entry into the Last Chance Rumble, where at the last gasp it started moving again after it hadn’t for much of the fight because one side of the drive was damaged and they gave Mike Jeffries back the controls. And that was enough to survive and beat DUCK! (see the Stripped Screw write-up). Which gave it the fight the Chaos Corps had been craving for two years, a rematch with defending champ and #1 seed Tombstone.

And whaddaya know, it won because Tombstone got high-centered on its own driving chain before Bombshell could smoke out, because it was starting to smoke. Of course, then, with vengeance secured, it lasted precisely one hit against Lock-Jaw. But you know what? Haters gonna hate.

Yes, I miss Brawl in the Family.

House of Pain Award: Team Late Night Racing, Free Shipping

The House of Pain Award is an award sponsored by Senor’s House of Pain, coming back soon now that I’ve finished the Beat! I have things ready to write about like trying to make Carolina Reaper infused oil, a whole fuck-ton of hot peppers bestowed to me by one tWBS, and finally, a shot at The Last Dab as it’s supposed to be. Knock knock, open up the door, it’s real. Anyway, the award is for the most uncomfortable moments of being on fire.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1HZm8UEQTU

Yes, I know Overwatch and Fortnite are the cool games right now, but I will still make TF2 jokes because I actually played it for a hot second. Not well.

Back to it, that’s gotta go to Free Shipping, which had a flamethrower for other robots, except it seemed to be on itself as often as on the opponent. Like the fight against HUGE. And even more like the fight against WAR Hawk, to the point that Greg (I think) drove a little fire truck into the arena because it came equipped with an extinguisher to put out Free Shipping. Which survived the bell, of course, as remember it wasn’t KOed during its three losses. So with that, I salute you, Gary Gin.

Spinner-Killer of the Year: Team Black and Blue, DUCK!

You could also make an argument for Lock-Jaw’s plow, which was used to perfection against both Valkyrie and Son of Whyachi. But this is basically the DUCK! award, and it worked. It beat Mecha Rampage, the interesting take on the horizontal spinner. It beat Reality, a drum spinner. It didn’t beat Tombstone, but it did enough that Ray couldn’t operate the drive and the weapon at the same time and if not for the fact that it only had one wheel left was otherwise in pretty okay shape—not great shape, it was freakin’ Tombstone, after all—but still fighting shape where it could have pressed the advantage in the closing seconds if it could only, well, move. Then, the rumble. Where it was just tanking stuff, and pushing stuff, and pushing Valkyrie into Gigabyte to use one spinner to finish off the other, which didn’t net it damage points, but can we give extra control points because style was only in Robot Wars? Please? But that was hilarious, and awesome, and totally counts as bonus points, and it’s my award, so hell with it.

BattleBots Rookie of the Year: Team Monsoon, Monsoon

A lot of BattleBots rookies (key word, BattleBots rookies since they’re all vets to robot combat or else they wouldn’t have been allowed in) showed up and balled out. There was New Zealand’s OYES Robotics and End Game, a re-skinned version of Fighting My Bots champ Death Toll, which was one of the vertical spinner rumble bots. There were the Dutch teams, led by the crusher Petunia, whose wedge I thought was still a little high for my liking but performed admirably. But the winner, in a clear runaway, is Monsoon. Tom Brewster’s Tauron (Mk. I and II) didn’t do particularly well at Robot Wars, but Monsoon did when they came across the pond, and they loved every moment of being there which is why they got the Founder’s Award. Case closed.

Break-Out Robot of the Year: Team Fast Electric Robots: Whiplash

This one’s a toughie, as it was between this robot and SawBlaze. SawBlaze got robbed in their fight against Razorback if you ask anyone except the judges following the letter of the 2016 rules, which was “If something happens to your primary weapon at all, you’re fucked.” This year it was “If something happens to your primary weapon at all, you’re probably fucked. Unless you’re Skorpios apparently.” But after Splatter was an alternate in Season 1 and never got to fight, and appeared in two untelevised fights in Season 2, Whiplash came in and drove circles around most things and made it to the semifinals. Regarding the Vasquez family/Team Fast Electric Robots, if you don’t know, now you know.

Comeback Robot of the Year: Mutant Robots, Lock-Jaw

Surprisingly Donald Hutson went winless at BattleBots in 2016. Between Diesector and Tazbot I don’t think anyone has ever had to write that sentence unless talking about that 2016 tournament. And obviously I’m not counting the Legends Rumble between Lock-Jaw, The Disk O’Inferno, and Stinger, which Lock-Jaw did win. So even then, Lock-Jaw had at least one W. But the pure Diesector-style jaws, and then the spring-loaded flipper, weren’t cutting it, which led to the vertical disks redesign. And it started off slowly with a 1-2 start. But a lucky break with the Desperado Flash Tournament existing in the first place, and winning that, led to Lock-Jaw winning, and winning, and making it all the way to the semis before bowing out to Minotaur. That’s the vintage Donald Hutson tournament run young Senor remembers! In all it fought 9 times, going 6-3 along the way. The finalists, Bite Force and Minotaur, only fought 8 times each. So both coming back from last tournament, and coming back from this one, Lock-Jaw gets the nod.

“Break the Internet” Moment of the Year: Icewave breaking Vanquish in half

They only showed it sixty bajillion times in ads.

And that leaves us with our final two categories.

KO of the Year

The nominees again: Tombstone over Minotaur; Icewave over Vanquish; Bite Force over HyperShock; Son of Whyachi over End Game; and Monsoon over Petunia. And your winner…

Icewave over Vanquish! I mean, yeah. Never too much in doubt. It got 57% of the vote, with Tombstone over Minotaur, Son of Whyachi over End Game, and Monsoon over Petunia each getting one vote apiece.

And that brings us to our final category.

Fight of the Year

The nominees: Tombstone vs. Minotaur, Red Devil vs. Monsoon, Icewave vs. Skorpios, Warhead vs. Blacksmith, and the championship of Minotaur vs. Bite Force. And the winner… you’re fucking kidding me. Three-way tie? I call fuck that noise, so here’s what we’re gonna do. Will it be a little cheaty? Maybe. But I never said how I would do tiebreakers because I didn’t know. So here’s how.

First, the three fights tied: Tombstone vs. Minotaur; Warhead vs. Blacksmith; and Minotaur vs. Bite Force. I personally voted for Minotaur vs. Bite Force. But I deem that that wouldn’t be fair if my vote counted double, so I shall remove my vote from the pool, which eliminates them from the tie. This leaves Tombstone vs. Minotaur and Warhead vs. Blacksmith.

Now, I shall vote between these two fights, and that one will win Fight of the Year. So with that, your winner for Fight of the Year is…

Tombstone vs. Minotaur! I had to think this one through, and the fact that it lived up to the hype in terms of mechanical carnage was enough to get this fight over the hump.

So there you have it! The battles have been fought, the awards given out, and it’s time to sign off. Before we do, the end-of-season thank-yous:

To Greg Munson and Trey Roski and the rest of the producers for trying something new with the BattleBots format this year, and I think it worked out fantastically.
To all the teams and builders, and hell, the bots, for doing their thing, because if nobody built fighting robots there obviously couldn’t be a fighting robots competition.
To r/battlebots (yes I know, crediting another website) for being one of the main sources of news and behind-the-scenes extras, like learning what actually happened to robots at certain points in fights. Rikki doesn’t thank them for downvoting his Yeti Request Line. In droves. I’m actually kinda impressed.
To BattleBots Update (yes, I know, a second other website) for being my inspiration to do this for Season 2, and therefore 3, in the first place. I’m still not googling “Bad Dragon” ever so someone’ll have to tell me what it is.
To Rikki and Low Commander for lending their voices for the mid-season roundtable.

And lastly, to you guys of course, for putting up with this for the last 23 (I think) weeks or so. That’s almost half a year. Be on the lookout as BattleBots will be posting all unaired fights from this season in the coming weeks, probably on their YouTube. And in the meantime we can only sit and wait for confirmation of next year, especially with RoboGames not running. And until next time, I’m your friendly neighborhood Senor Weaselo signing off!

Senor’s other occasional column, House of Pain, will return soon. As soon as the lazy shit gets his laptop fixed one of the articles actually gets written up. And maybe also the laptop gets fixed.