Your “Will The Football Get Better? Only Slightly, Son, Only Slightly” Thursday Night Football Open Thread

The best thing about hot and swampy mid-August as far as my brain box is concerned? We’re that much closer to the most wonderful month of the year-the one that comes afterward. Can’t recall its name but I do know the weather cools down a bit, (suck it, warm Earthers!) the leaves decide to turn gay and the football begins in earnest. Now here’s the thing-how does one judge a team’s regular season prospects/depth concerns/revised O and D schemes/chances of success? You may just have guessed it. YES! The pre-season! So for those of you that cheer for the six teams on the slate tonight it is incumbent upon you to go… TO THE GAMES!

 

Philly/New England:

Having missed last week, Nick Foles “Farewell To This Stinking Town Tour” begins in earnest tonight and then it’s on to the sleep-inducing Nate Sudafed, er, Slutfield. Sorry, Somefeld. Your Australian content for the night will be filled by punter Cameron Johnston who unleashed an 81-yarder last week. With respect to the Pats it’s the same old, same old-which undrafted DIII flag football qb converted to wr will lead the team in receiving yards from the slot this year? Yawn.

NYJ/Wash:

Do you believe in magic? Jets fans that think that rook qb Darnold will get through the fake tilts without an intercept certainly do. Trenton Cannon Watch: can he fumble a third time in only his 2nd preseason game? ‘Dacted fans will most likely be saving most of their cheers for Dr. James Andrews on Friday as he attempts to put Derrius “The Goose Is Loose” Guice’s ACL back together. Tickets for seats in the operating theatre are reportedly going as high as a rookie-year Josh Gordon!

Pit/Green Bay:

Marquis “The Mouthful” Valdes-Scantling was the only rook wr to gain more than 100 yards receiving last week. (this may or may not be true but I read it somewhere and reading is important so my heart is in the right place) Not far behind him in many ways is Equanimeous “Call me Equanimeo For Short” St. Brown. Much like The Ben, lb Bud Dupree beat the regular season rush and had his brain concussed and will not be playing.

Let the commenting thing begin!

 

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BrettFavresColonoscopyMoose -The End Is Well NighSenor WeaseloWakezillaBrick Meathook Recent comment authors
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Did I miss anything in the “game”?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Nobody’s around it seems.
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

WUY?

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theeWeeBabySeamus

OK, time to go watch and hope Franklin Saint fucks some shit up tonight I guess.
Later taters.

Fronkenshteen

HOWAHYAH?! Just got home. How goeth the footed ball? Specifically Darnold, Ty Mont, JuJu?

King Hippo

Dacteds just won on their 5th FG of the game (7th combined), 15-13 over the Jest. We discussed Darnold’s generally competent play and poked gentle fun at his retardation. Stillers, Packers (Foles got boo-boo), Iggles, P*ts also played. I guess that Sudfeld fucker can take the reins for the Champs Week 1 and all will React Reasonably?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Instant Hippo Pre-season Thoughts are way too abbreviated.

Just sayin’.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Yes. Some “football” was played

Senor Weaselo

I thought he was hurt. Prepare for… The (recently-signed) Christian Hackenberg Experience!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Wow, everybody fell asleep at the same time apparently.
Good fookin’ thing I’m not actually watching football.
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Sharkbait
Sharkbait

I still am. I might have a problem. The Patriots color guy was discussing sharks before. He’s just as bored as we are.

theeWeeBabySeamus

He should tune in to SyFy. They’ve had some really weird fucking shark movies on the past coupla days.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Those are still going on? Even Saw and Police Academy are wanting them to chill out.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I think they’re trying to still ride the “Shark Week” coattails.

Senor Weaselo

They’re on the last one, but the guy who wrote the other ones isn’t writing this one so who the fuck knows?

litre_cola

Are the O’s back in the hunt?

theeWeeBabySeamus

If “slightly less than 50 games back in August” equates to in the hunt then….

You know what? I can’t even finish the sentence. Fuck you Canadia with your legal weed and your smartypants references.

litre_cola

Worst air quality in the world today! We got that going for us.

theeWeeBabySeamus

What are ya? Los Anggggggeles?

litre_cola

Lead off hitter for the Dirt Chefs name is Whit Merrifield.

Whit?

theeWeeBabySeamus

What?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Whit Bissell (1909-1996)
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Full Name: Whitner Nutting Bissell

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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King Hippo

Teddy Ballgame has made it to teh Touchdown Place! We can has game after all.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Just don’t let him see the NC State Defensive Front.
(looks at this years’ depth chart)

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Sharkbait
Sharkbait

God I forgot how bland Brian Hoyer is.

Spur
Spur

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King Hippo

5 combined FGs in the juego de nacional. Nae else. Jest and ‘Dacteds in midseason form already.

litre_cola

I switched to Dirt Falcons Dirt Donks. Entertaining.

King Hippo

I heard on the #BFIB radio broadcast that Dirt Donks came back, which I think is theoretically Wild Card helpful?

Anyway, I get to see Game 1 of #BFIB at Dirt Donks in 8 days, so they might as well have their fun whilst they can. Because anuses need be prepared, and well soon.

WCS

Ron Zook is on the Packers’ coaching staff? That guy cannot be killed by conventional suckery.

King Hippo

yeah, that U of IL stint just screamed PROMOTE ME!

King Hippo

if I could do it again…well, I’d NAWT get married in the first goddamned place. But failing that…marry someone else who shares one’s NFL heroine habit, is my advice.

I mean, all the media studies say tis the most female-friendly of all teh major sportsball leagues, so it shouldn’t be so difficult (for imaginary ppl less awful than Hippo)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I also regret when Hippo and I got married.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur
Spur

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait
Sharkbait

BIRDMAN! Get in here!!

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Horatio Cornblower

Led with his head, that’s a paddlin’

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur
Spur

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Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Pulled the trigger on Giants tickets for this year. Going with the wife, her brother and her father. At least I’m getting a Rangers game out of the weekend.

King Hippo

you married a Giants gal?

litre_cola

No she is only 5’6

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…..

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

I did. Her family is from Jersey, so I make fun of it constantly

King Hippo

how much counseling you need after the Giant Snatch?

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

A lot. We started dating during the 2011 playoffs. I distinctly remember telling her that Aaron Rodgers and the Packers were going to destroy the Giants. She also claims the Pats are her AFC team…

King Hippo

IIRC, everyone had the G-men losing every round of those playoffs. Oopsie.

/also, you can always use the Carlin classic “kiss her where it smells, take her to New Jersey!” though that’s really more for the courtin’ phase.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

I’ll use that when I’m 5 deep in the Metlife parking lot at 10am.

Also can do a Boots on the Ground. Can’t remember if there has been a Giants one yet.

King Hippo

YES! I don’t think there has been, and having seen Big Fan, there really needs to be a first-person DFO narrative.

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Done. I’ll write one up. Its the 11/17 game vs. TB

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur
Spur

A true detective season 3? There was a season 2?
https://screenrant.com/true-detective-season-3-done-filming/

herodotus450
herodotus450

According to the official synopsis, True Detective season 3 will unfold across three different time periods as it tells “the story of a macabre crime in the heart of the Ozarks”.

Soooo they are just going to re-release season one and hope no one notices? As long as they don’t change episode two I’m ok with that.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Damn skippy there was.

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King Hippo

I and like 5 other ppls liked S2

Horatio Cornblower

I liked Season 2 until the last episode and the Deus Ex Mexicans.

Redshirt

You know, if I’m an NFL Defender, I’m going to start drop-kicking ballcarriers. For safety reasons, so I don’t lead with the helmet.

WCS

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Senor Weaselo

Yes, but “STEELER KICK!” didn’t ring off the tongue as well.

litre_cola

So here is my conundrum. I am working all weekend this week. I get a vasectomy on wednesday and have thursday and friday off because I can, then we are headed to a cabin in the mountains with my inlaws. Well, my good softball team has had our playoffs moved to next weekend, then the rec team I play for has their finals on Monday night then after that a fantasy draft. I will have to go in to a podunk town to draft at 10 pm.

My wife says it’s ok you can stay home by yourself and I will just take Decilitre. Well, the following long weekend I am going away to a football game for 2 nights, BoUts on the Ground! Then a week later I go away to Vancouver for a week for work.

Soooo I have no idea what to do. The thought of playing in both playoffs and having 5 days to myself here is utter bliss, but family commitments ya know. Note my inlaws are great and drink top shelf booze every day, and I smoke weed and watch sports with my brother in law.

King Hippo

nah, even my ex (who hated me 75% of my marriage) was super considerate of me for like the whole week plus post-V-day. You good. Seriously.

litre_cola

I think I am going drinking in the mountains, which isn’t bad but I would rather be playing ball and doing nothing. I do have 2 trips coming so I have to keep that in mind. I plan to get blackout drunk on both.

King Hippo

the less you do the better (my brother overdid it – with work, naturally, b/c he’s a tightass, but that’s how it HURTS LIKE FUCK).

As long as you chill like the doc says, you will be fine. And take your pills, even if not so inclined.

Horatio Cornblower

I had mine under a local anesthetic, (talk about some awkward conversation), drove myself home, stopped for a milkshake, then crashed on the couch for the night before getting bored and walking the dog.

My nuts were HUGE the next day.

King Hippo

yeah, do NOT walk the dog. Ice them nuts.

He ain’t lie about the awkward convo, though. These weird fuckers all want to talk during, for some reason. And one can hardly tell someone cutting on one’s nuts to STFU.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Run* away.

Lyft or Uber.

Wakezilla

Marriages come and go but BEER LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIPS ARE FOREVER!!!!!!!

WCS

King Hippo

this game would be tied if the stupid long relief pitcher hadn’t bobbled an easy come-backer. But he will learn The Cardinal Way soon enough.

Spur
Spur

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WCS

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King Hippo

E-5! And now the score is 4-5, tying run on 2nd (and the fastest honky I ever laid eyes on)!!!

Spur
Spur

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King Hippo

3-5, tying run at the plate!!! Gritty Harrison Bader steps in…

King Hippo

2-5, perhaps a #BFIB comeback is nascent?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

Dirt Cowboys with a smart triple-play to stop the bleeding in the top of the 4th!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“If you’re an Eagles fan, right now you’re sweating.”

Yeah, but if you’re an Eagles fan, when aren’t you?

Sharkbait
Sharkbait

Too much blood in their cheese steak system?

Spur
Spur

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King Hippo

Admit it, you’d divert your route and follow at least 3 or 4 blocks. In a totes non-creepy way.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

. . . and then he turns around and you feel really really weird

King Hippo

especially if we both have our cocks all the way out

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Hopefully one would have better resolution.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Only if her residence was 3 or 4 blocks away, otherwise keep going.

King Hippo

oooooohhhhh, Foles is hurt!!!

Spur
Spur

Redshirt

♪♫♬ Its like rain, your Wedding Day ♪♫♬

herodotus450
herodotus450
King Hippo

am not sure will make it to the end of this mighty clash

WCS

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Redshirt

King Hippo

Redacted-down…BLEERGHED!!!

Spur
Spur

King Hippo

Daggum it, I thought teh #BFIB wuz never losing again. Am disappoint.

WCS

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King Hippo

Colt McCoy is still in the NFL. I mean, just good goddamn.

Redshirt

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Senor Weaselo

Hey, but then he made the Majors where he’s now…
/Googles “Who was Minor League Guy”
…Ooh, too soon.

WCS

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LemonJello
LemonJello

Tessitore, Witten and McFarland: awkward announcing team or terrible law office?

Spur
Spur

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

IT IS!!

Redshirt

So earlier this week I’ve told you about how McDonalds doesn’t know the difference between a real round egg and a square liquid egg. They don’t know what round and square looks like.

Now at KFC, they messed up my order two out of three times, but I give them another chance. They responded by giving me the wrong entrée, two of one sides and none of the 2nd side and no cookie. The only thing they got right was the biscuit. So out of five items, they got one right.

So why again should we raise the minimum wage to $15. Wouldn’t that money go better in the educational system to teach people basic listening skills? How to follow directions? Shapes?

King Hippo

Maybe you just need move to a less meth-y area?

I find that places in my locale that VOLUNTARILY pay a little more than minimum tend to have less dipshitt-y help.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Best fast food places I ever went to were in Mormon country. Squeaky clean, scarily polite, and eerily white-blonde-blue eyed. Wait, forget I said that last one.

LemonJello
LemonJello

Burgers Uber Alles?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I find that the workers at In N Out tend to be more presentable than most other fast food places. They seem to have much better skin. Hmm. That sounds wrong.

King Hippo

I’d have them. I’d have them all night long!

/because they’re open late git ur heads out teh gutter smh

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

If the minimum wage is raised they can afford to hire more college-educated engineers to work at KFC instead of the hobos they use now.