The Haders Guide to the Baseball Hall of Fame Vote

Howdy baseball folks,

I realize most of you aren’t necessarily baseball folks, and I’m being a wise ass by implying otherwise, but we’re coming up on the end of the year, and it’s time to talk about the retired baseball players who are under consideration for the highest honor in the sport: entry to the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Mvsevm.

But because I want to get mad page views, I’ve decided to make this a Hader’s Guide. I’ve been told that Hader’s Guides consistently juice attention, and that’s the name of the game. Gotta give the folks what they want. I’m not entirely sure Bill Hader moves the needle that much, but to be honest, I’m all for it. He’s a pretty cool guy. I’ll talk about the candidates and then, I guess try to compare them to a clip of Bill Hader that I find online.

By the way, I first did a long draft and then realized that absolutely nobody cares about my analysis, and that there are far too few jokes.

Mariano Rivera

Should he get in?

Yes

Will He get in?

Yes.

Will he be unanimous?

No. Who gives a shit? You’re never going to please everybody either.

What hat would he wear:

Yankees

Bill Hader clip:

Mo was effectively the Grim Reaper, so I give you a man who seems to enjoy death.

Roy Halladay

Should he get in?

Sure, but I don’t think he was as great as everybody is making him out to be. Here’s a spicy take:

Maybe we’re overrating him a little because he’s dead. 

That’s pretty rude. I know. But people are listing him as if he is a no doubt Hall of Famer, and well, he’s not quite that good. Don’t get me wrong, I still think he deserves to get in. But there are better players who had to wait. He’s tied for 41st in bWAR among all pitchers, which is fine, but I think it’s worth noting that Kevin Brown is 33rd, and very few people will scream at you that Kevin Brown needs to be inducted. And Kevin Brown has some blistering seasons.

bWAR or fWAR aren’t perfect stats, and Roy Halladay was better than Kevin Brown, but if he hadn’t died and you told me he just missed the cutoff, my reaction would have been “Well, that’s kind of stupid, but I guess I can see how he wasn’t a slam dunk case. He’ll probably get in pretty soon though.”

Will he get in:

Yup.

What Hat Would He Wear:

I’d say Phillies, though he spent most of his career in Toronto. But the Blue Jays traded him away for scrap, and that’s what you get, Toronto.

Bill Hader clip:

I’m not going to come up with gimmick excuses. That’s the Bill Hader clip that you get.

Edgar Martinez

Should he get in:

Yeah.

Will he get in:

I think so. Last year on the ballot though, so it better happen this year.

Who Is He?:

The best DH of all time, which means, not much of a fielder.

The Narrative Surrounding His Case:

Do you like the Designated Hitter or are you wrong?

What Hat Would He Wear?:

He only played for Seattle. I guess it should be a big stupid helmet though. That’s what you get for being a DH, to go through life looking like John Olerud.

Bill Hader clip:

Larry Walker

Should he get in:

I don’t know. Did you like Edgar Martinez? Because he’s basically Edgar Martinez but also an outfielder.

Will he get in?

Nope.

The Narrative Surrounding His Case:

The Coors Effect

Much like their shitty light beer, the air at Coors Field is thin and bland enough to render any traditional counting stats irrelevant. Tell me a guy hit 30 dingers in Colorado, and I’ll tell you I just slammed 10 Silver Bullets. They’re both ridiculously easy things to do*. But Larry Walker didn’t play every game at Coors Field. For one, they played road games at real baseball stadiums with thick and chunky American air. And for another, he played several years as something called a Montreal Expose. And yes, while in Montreal he did rock out with his proverbial cock out, to the tune of a 128 OPS+. And OPS+ does take ballpark factors into account, so his score of 147 over 10 years in the Rockies is absolutely legit. If you’re going on merit, and you loved Edgar Martinez, you should probably vote for Larry Walker as well.

*I probably can’t do either, but you get it.

What Hat Would He Wear:

If you want to actually get in, promise everybody you’ll go in as a Cardinal. Writers can’t help but blow the Cardinals. He should wear a CR, but I know every idiot is going to shake their head and say he was a scrub who took advantage of altitude.

Bill Hader clip:

Mike Mussina

Should he get in:

Yeah man. I get that he’s kind of a boring dude, but he was really good for a really long time. He did more cool baseball things than Roy Halladay, and you’re about to put his bloated corpse in there. Why have we waited so long to induct Moose? Is it because he’d probably talk about crossword puzzles or discuss the history surrounding an old bridge? Fine, maybe give him a hard red light when he starts to go long, but he belongs in the Hall.

Will he get in:

Yeah, it’s looking like he’s in

What Hat Would He Wear:

The Orioles. I’d like to say Yankees, but he was better in Baltimore. I saw him pitch four times in a row at the old Yankee Stadium. For whatever reason, whenever I bought a ticket, he was the starter. It didn’t mean a hell of a lot to me at the time. His dominance was kind of boring. Not sure what to tell you.

Curt Schilling

Should he get in:

Probably, but fuck that guy. I mean it. He’s deserving, but fuck him.

Will he get in:

I’m going to say yes. If it doesn’t happen this year, it’ll happen next year. Again, he deserves to be in.

The Narrative Surrounding His Case:

Let’s say that Rhode Island is a party. It’s the shittiest party ever though, and every single man, woman and child has ponied up 50 bucks for beer, so that this party might become an absolute rager. Let’s say that they gave this money to Curt, who promptly drove a quarter mile out of town, got lost, broke down in the snow, and had to burn that $50MM for warmth before being discovered by a mother of four about 17 minutes after his car had broken down. That’s essentially what 38 Studios did to Rhode Island.

What Hat Would He Wear:

See the above photo

Bill Hader clip:

PED Lightning Round

I don’t think any of these guys will get in. But should they get in?

Yes

Yup

Sure

Nah

GAH!

Oh, it’s you. Yeah, I’d put Sammy in.

I’d also put Mark McGwire in, but he’s not on the ballot anymore. Rafael Palmeiro would have gotten a no from me. David Ortiz can fucking blow me when he comes up for a vote.

Bill Hader Clip:

What’s the takeaway:

Lots of people like to get Mad Online about whether certain dudes get a bronze plaque in a room they might visit one time in their life. A lot of old baseball men like to ask themselves whether they would be able to justify showing their kids a certain guy’s plaque, completely forgetting that their kid probably won’t give one pig’s whistling anus about those players, or the Hall of Fame, or baseball in general. If you took them they’d ask you why you can’t go to the Fortnight Hall of Fame, and you’d consider the ramifications of slapping them in public for making you feel old. Don’t slap your child.

Also, I kind of get it with the Hader lists. I mean, I don’t get why we do it, but I enjoy it. And it kind of works with our Sexy Friday theme. If I were a cis woman, I’d probably dig Bill Hader. It’s not that I’m attracted to him now, but if one of my women friends told me that she was dating Bill Hader, my reaction would be “Really? That’s awesome. You know, he’s consistently one of the best parts of anything he’s in. Anyway, that’s really cool about you and Bill Hader. Do you think we can hang out sometime? I’ll buy.” And it wouldn’t be envy. I think I’d be really happy for that hypothetical woman. He seems like a nice guy to settle down with. Stability is pretty key when you hit your mid 30’s, if you catch my drift. Good for those two.

Okay. That’s it. Free to disagree or post Bill Hader videos of your own.