Your “We’re All Just A Bunch Of Merry Ho Ho Ho’s” Friday Evening Open Thread

theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

An unapologetic, even if often manic-depressive (it’s a requirement given his choices of sports teams), fan of NC State University, the Baltimore Ravens and the Baltimore Orioles.When not parked in front of the computer and/or TV, can often be found on the golf course shouting obscenities to no one in particular.
theeWeeBabySeamus

Some Biznessings

DFO is going to re-start the infamous “Mailbag” type of thing.  BrettFavresColonoscopy is the point man, but it seems a lot of us might be manning the wheel from week to week.  It’s still taking form.

But if you have a burning question, if you have some life issue you need advice with…..or if you just have a personal question about any of us (no promises) please do send your inquiries here….

dfosubmissions@gmail.com

We’re going to have some fun with this.  So come and have some fun with us.

(phrasing)

Dead Tree

Christmas Eve is three days away and I don’t have a Christmas tree.

I did have one.  I don’t anymore.

It was a beautiful Frasier Fir.  I spent hours picking this tree out.  It had no bad spots.  It was perfect.

After purchasing the aforementioned tree, I put it into the back of Dave and lovingly transported it home.  Upon arriving home, I responsibly fired up the chainsaw, without cutting off my own foot mind you, and took off about a half inch on the bottom (phrasing).  I then placed it into the tree stand, balanced it just right, and brought it into the house.

Then, with great care did I string the lights.  Then added the gold and brass ornaments.  The Angel on the top, as always, of course.

This tree was gorgeous.

Don’t believe me?  Just look at my shitty cell phone photo here….

Then I went out of town for two and a half weeks and Mom forgot to water the damned thing.  When one insists upon putting up the Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving (her), then one should remember to water the damned thing.  Don’t you think?

When I got home last weekend, I immediately saw it was dry and dangerous.  I still left it in place for a couple of days, added water, etc.  But it just wasn’t happening.  It wouldn’t drink by that point.  Then a couple of days ago I tested a branch and it snapped like kindling.  Then I thought of this….

So as I said….

I don’t have a Christmas Tree now.  Well technically I do, but it’s now outside on the burn pile.

But on the bright side, I also don’t have any fire damage and my homeowner’s insurance isn’t going up.

Santa Has A Pretty Easy Job, I Think

Seriously.  I mean sure, he works a 24 hour shift.  But for only one day a year.  The rest of the time he has a bunch of underpaid midgets doing his job for him.  He’s got flying reindeer.  Eight of ’em.  Nine if you count that other red nosed freak.  I DON’T EVEN HAVE ONE!?!?!?!?!?

And when he gets done doing his 24 hour shift once a year, he gets to go home, get hammered, and bang Mrs. Claus for 364 days.

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal.

Frankly, I think the guy is a huge fat lazy jerk.  And I think he ought to be brought up on charges for mistreating his little employees.

He’s probably not properly caring for his flying reindeer in accordance with local laws either.

I’M STILL WAITING ON THAT COLECOVISION YOU PROMISED ME IN 1982 YOU FAT ASSHOLE!!!!!!!

Sports To Make You Merry 2Nite

NHL

  • Buffalo @ Washington – 7:00pmEST – TV: NBCSN

Full Schedule

NBA

  • Milwaukee @ Boston – 8:00pmEST – TV: ESPN
  • New Orleans @ LAL – 10:30pmEST – TV: ESPN

Full Schedule

NCAA Hoops

  • Detroit @ Xavier – 7:00pmEST – TV: FS2
  • NC A&T @ Minnestota – 8:00pmEST – TV: B1GN
  • (24)Furman @ LSU – 8:00pmEST – TV: SECN
  • (14)Buffalo @ (20)Marquette – 8:30pmEST – TV: FS1
  • N. Arizona @ Utah – 9:00pmEST – TV: PAC12N
  • Sacramento State @ UDub – 9:00pmEST – TV:PAC12N
  • Penn State @ Bama – 9:00pmEST – TV: SECN
  • Oklahoma @ Northwestern – 9:00pmEST – TV: B1GN
  • Providence @ Texas – 9:00pmEST – TV: ESPN2
  • San Jose State @ Cal – 10:00pmEST – TV: PAC12N
  • S. Utah @ USC – 11:00pmEST – TV: PAC12N

Full Schedule

Bowl Mania

By the time you read this, the shitty bowl games from today will be over.

FIU, without its starting QB and also without its absconding RB, will probably still have beaten Toledo.  But….Go Rockets!!!!!

And BYU will probably be showing off their their magic underpants after shaming Western Michigan.  Which is nothing to brag about (no ofence, Broncos…but you’re overmatched probably).

But seriously, I’m probably wrong and….this is why one should never bet on bowl games.  Just don’t do it.

(I’m looking at you, King Hippo )

Dear Mrs. Claus

When are you going to get a clue and leave that fat jerk and come let me treat you as you deserve?

He’s cheating on you!!!!!!

 

You also put up with those crazy little midgets.  And you get neglected.

You have a place here whenever you decide.  Call me.

Meh, screw it.

Enjoy…

Wow, Christmas came early apparently.  So did I.  Sorry about that.  My Christmas balls are a bit fragile I suppose.

But you ladies go on and continue, I’ll sit over here and just watch…

Thanks Santa!!!!!  You are totally forgiven for that whole Colecovision thing!!!!!!

Orrrrrr….maybe not.  Jerk.

You got one last chance to pay up, shithead.  I am not dicking around with your fat ass anymore.

OK I Guess We Gotta Do Christmas Now

Enjoy your holidays, everyone.

Please be safe.  Don’t drink and drive or I’ll kill you.

Love ya’s.

Simulated Christmas exsanguination is always funny, right? RIGHT??????

Hallellujah, Holy shit, Where’s the Tylenol?

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus
An unapologetic, even if often manic-depressive (it's a requirement given his choices of sports teams), fan of NC State University, the Baltimore Ravens and the Baltimore Orioles. When not parked in front of the computer and/or TV, can often be found on the golf course shouting obscenities to no one in particular.
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litre_cola

We kind of dropped the ball on the lesser footy post. I blame it on Chelsea.

Having no outlet for my rage here I guess I will melt down on twitter.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So this is fun – yesterday I bought a new microwave because mine was unsalvageable. Yesterday my neighbors tossed theirs (same model as mine I believe) because the handle was broken. So now I have three microwaves.

Horatio Cornblower

I didn’t realize mongoose scavenged.

Fronkenshteen

Make them compete with each other for your affection. Then dry hump a roomba right in front of them.

Horatio Cornblower

There appears to be no post for Lesser Footy, but holy shit did Crystal Palace just score a hell of a goal to go up 2-1 on Man Shitty.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to run off and pay the tuition for my daughter’s next semester in college.
/DFO can hear Horatio sobbing through the computer, without earbuds, for the rest of the day

Fronkenshteen

That goal was amazeballs

Fronkenshteen

FUCKING MOOSEBEES!!!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is it bad that I want to blast Andrew W.K. and wake up everyone in my household?

I know, I know, I need to wait for Christmas morning.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

One more drink, then dishes, then bed.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Peaty scotch doesn’t taste quite as good after brushing your teeth

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Gates of Heaven (d. Erroll Morris, 1978)
Guitar solo over the pet cemetery

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Brocky

I think I just had a fucking night terror. I’m lying in bed, somewhere between sleep and consciousness, my eyes kinda drift towards my closet AND THERE’S SOMETHING COMING AT ME JESUS CHRIST HOLY SHIT

……

I didn’t jump out of bed, but I did the thing where I jolted halfway up. After what I think is a solid 2 minutes I don’t see anything else.

That was 30 minutes ago. I can’t sleep now, that adrenaline rush was so fucking absurd. Damn

yeah right

I hope Slipknot had something to do with that.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If you are having trouble sleeping you can always go read some stories: https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/

Horatio Cornblower

yeah, yeah, I’ve seen Tom Cruise too.

BugEyedBoo
BugEyedBoo

I used to have those. I attacked someone who wasn’t there once, and landed facefirst on the floor. I had black eyes, big floor burn on my face, the works. Inflicted an ass-kicking on myself. Don’t have them anymore, thank god.

yeah right

We had the work get together at work. Holiday stuff! Heavy ass food!

I’ll get into that later.

I don’t as a rule share much of myself at work. These folks know that I love to cook and I share many Sunday Gravy money shots with them but that’s about it.

One of our guys asked me about the music I listen to.

I said “Well, it’s pretty aggressive.”

They asked “How aggressive?”

And I played them this.

yeah right

When in reality I was thinking this.

litre_cola

HAi. I am respomsible drunk. Home by 11. How is everyones festiveness?

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

I can’t see straight. Even with one eye. So everything is great!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I can’t find mistletoe for my penis, but I don’t think Lady BFC would call for that anyway.

yeah right

Feeling good!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It does not feel like vacation yet

yeah right

I’m working Christmas Eve and Mister Scrooge told me to go fuck myself.

Brocky

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wow

Senor Weaselo

Evening, all. Kill Bill Vol 2’s on Viceland.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

This was almost 21 years ago already,
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Fronkenshteen

Anyone giving fantasy football advice, or is it all tits, pills, & powders around here tonight?

Redshirt

Bet on tits all day. Be selective with the pills. Avoid all powders, except Nesquik or sugar.

Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

Strawberry Nesquik > Chocolate Nesquik

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Senor Weaselo

“Pixie Stix are a wonderful thing,” said 8yo Senor. Do they still make them?

litre_cola

If you have listened to us you should have lost by now. GO FULHAM

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Sharkbait

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I saw this chair in Fredericksburg VA last week. The square beneath it is a mirror that shows there is a hole built in the seat; you place a chamber pot under the chair, lift off the seat cushion and use this chair as a toilet. It was made in the 1700s and George Washington, the Marquis de Lafayette, James Madison, James Monroe, Robert E. Lee, Washington Irving, and Irving Washington all took a shit in this chair. It has to be the single greatest chair in American history.
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herodotus450
herodotus450

Washington Irving AND Irving Washington?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Free Oxycontin to whoever can name the reference!

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

+1 Catch 22 reference.

litre_cola

So Hippo is stalking you now.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Also: president most likely (excluding Clinton) to receive a blumpkin, who ya got?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Jefferson, for sure.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Well I just learned a new word.

herodotus450
herodotus450

“The Presidential Blumpkins” is my new upcoming political musical lampoon act; watch out, “The Capitol Steps”!

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Yossarian strikes again!

Petronel

WOO two weeks off starting now…

…plenty of time to get things done around the house. Many, many, many things to be done.

/smgdh

herodotus450
herodotus450

Just buy a new house and let someone else worry about the old one, problem solved!

herodotus450
herodotus450

Some stunning detective work just uncovered from the autists over on redd-barf-it: Marissa Tomei is, and was, attractive. Wish the russian bots would just take over the whole site and kill it.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Bruins aren’t sure if Bergeron will play tomorrow, he’s still dancing on the ceiling.

herodotus450
herodotus450

Bunch of MST3K videos on youtube have annotations which appear, like some sort of video pop up, to explain the jokes as they happen.
“The Packers are an American Football team with fervent fans.”
Ok youtube.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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herodotus450
herodotus450

Her brother Mike also writes some good ones.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh, shit, I’m the first person ever to be disappointed tWBS didn’t pimp me out.

Don’t forget, if you have advice requests, send them to dfosubmissions@gmail.com. I’ll throw up a reminder post too, but feed the #content monster people.

ballsofsteelandfury

The twbs house:
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Ian Scott McCormick

That’s the wrong H.Jon Benjamin supported vehicle for tWBS.
Not on brand

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Game Time Decision

we have one. hate it. not allowed to do stuff like that with it

Sharkbait

I’ve already banned that shit when I have kids

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ve met Mrs. Sharkbait. I don’t think she would have tolerated it anyway.

Game Time Decision

all the up-votes for this

Game Time Decision

Turned on the TV earlier and saw that the Idaho Potato Bowl was on. Thought it was a joke. nope.

Ian Scott McCormick

Oh God Rondae Hollis-Jefferson just got rejected into hell by the rim. I thought the rim might have gotten called for a flagrant one. He survived, but it looks like that hurt.

Senor Weaselo

“Yeah, so?” -Zion Williamson’s face

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m rather pleased at the survival instincts I just displayed. I was taking down a bin in the garage, at about eye level, and a piece of plywood that some idiot* had left on top started sliding forward towards my face. Rather than taking it right in the teeth, I simply ducked my head forward and let it go right over the top.

“Bang!” said the sheet of plywood as it landed on the hood of my wife’s car and left a dent.

*me

Sharkbait

The wife has taken over the kitchen to prepare the dough to make Christmas cookies. She’s making 34 dozen small cookies.

Game Time Decision

i can help with any extras

Senor Weaselo

Wait… you MAKE cookies? You don’t just eat the dough? The fuck is up with that?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, who’s got two thumbs and is still at work?

/pokes eye out with thumb
//still has one last thing to finish at the office
///really wants to go home and more closely inspect this sexy Friday post