Mouth Flies Open: DFO Advice Mailbag Episode III

The team at DFO is committed to brightening the world with insights, observations, and dick jokes. This mailbag feature is just one more way in which we extend our mission beyond football to the rest of life’s broad and multi-chromatic palette. Fantasy football questions still welcome but by no means required.  If you have questions and/or need advice, email dfosubmissions@gmail.com. New inquiries will be supplemented by DFO and Celebrity Guest Columnist advice in response to inquiries to other advice columns. We’re going to aim to be funny but respectful to everyone no matter what. Unless they’re Packers or Patriots fans. BrettFavre’sColonoscopy is not a licensed therapist nor does he hold an advanced degree in psychology, social work, or any of the cognitive sciences. He is an enthusiastic young-ish man with an overpriced education and an unabiding love for dispensing good advice while being incapable of applying it to his own life.

 

Happy New Year! A hearty FUCK YOU to 2018. Good riddance.

What’s happening in advice-land as this garbage year wraps up, starting with an Ask Amy letter–

Dear Amy: My boyfriend is extremely discerning, and I am not. When he cooks something, it’s after he’s watched 50 YouTube videos and read up on the history of the dish so that he knows the back story of every aspect of it.

I enjoy cooking, but I keep it simple. Everything “Boyfriend” does has to be the best, the fanciest, the most gourmet, and while he’s never said anything insulting (it is purely in his demeanor), I can feel him look down on the simpler way I do things.

This happens with everything. When we watch a movie, I don’t analyze it as much as he does. When we drink coffee, I can’t taste the difference in acidity as well as he does.

I’m basically OK with things that are … mediocre.

I love this man very much, but I constantly feel out of my league. Sometimes I can let go and just learn from him because he does know so much, but most times it makes me feel inadequate. It seems he’s never admiring or learning from me. It has gotten to the point where I don’t want to share things with him because he overpowers everything.

I’ll cook on my own when he’s not here. I’ll listen to my subpar, repetitive (yes, I know!) pop music when I’m driving alone.

His family members are not mean and intentionally condescending, and often I get “enlightened” to better techniques, and I always feel slighted and unnecessary.

What can I do to make the relationship seem more balanced? Am I just out of my league?

— Middlin’

/DOOR FLIES OPEN

OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE!?  OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE?!?!  I’m the one out of my league, and it’s because the league I belong in is run by racist assmuppets who would rather start the following retreads, also-rans, or never-weres because they’re compliant and/or white rather than someone who could help their teams win immediately (editor’s note–list NOT exhaustive):

  • Matt Barkley
  • Derek Anderson
  • Brock Osweiler
  • David Fales
  • Brian Hoyer
  • Josh McCown
  • Davis Webb
  • RGIII
  • Tom Savage
  • Drew Stanton
  • Brandon Weeden
  • Joe Webb
  • Cody Kessler
  • Blake Bortles
  • Blaine Gabbert
  • Austin Davis
  • Chad Henne
  • AJ McCarron
  • Geno Smith
  • Matt Cassell
  • Trevor Simian
  • Garrett Gilbert
  • Mike Glennon

Yet I’m the one out of the league.  Only in America.

Oh, and dump that idiot.

/DOOR FLIES SHUT

Yup, no look back at 2018 would be complete without briefly reflecting on some of the complete ass that NFL GMs put on the field at quarterback rather than be perceived as caving to a bunch of ignorant mouthbreathers. But Colin is right, both about deserving to be in the NFL and this letter-writer.

Amy (tongue-in-cheek) refers to Middlin’s dude as her own Mr. Darcy, but let’s call a spade a spade: he’s an asshole.  This whole thing reminds me of this viral tweet from 2018:

Sorry, Middlin’, but you are not bright if you think someone that looks down on you and makes you feel bad about what you enjoy is “out of your league.” (Also, Middlin’, you are almost certainly what the kids these days* call a basic bitch).  Talking to him about if he’s going to be able to laugh at himself is not going to help. He is a complete garbage person who revels in making his ladyfriend feel like shit and/or is so pompous he doesn’t realize that he’s being a prick. And he’s chasing the brass ring or probably eschewing the brass ring for a gold or platinum one or something at all costs in a way that will likely lead to mommy and daddy having to bail him out lest he end up like the couple that blew through $3M in last week’s edition of Mouth Flies Open.  I say run, don’t walk, away from that relationship and go find someone that’s perfectly content to snuggle in juicy couture or whatever while you drink a pumpkin spice latte.

*By “these days” I probably mean circa 2017

PALATE CLEANSER:

This week I’ve been back in Colorado and that means exploring old haunts and new breweries. And 4 Noses in Broomfield is a brewery I love and was lucky enough that they still had some of their imperial pumpkin ale (pictured above) on tap and for crowler fills this week.  Nothing against pumpkin spice lattes, but THAT’S the good shit right there.

Now, to be candid, the dfosubmissions@gmail.com inbox is looking more barren than Oklahoma farmland in the late 1930s. So help me out and send in some questions/requests for advice, whether it’s in the comments below or via the mailbag address.

In the meantime, I’m going to pick up on an open thread general request for advice from the commentariat and use it this week.  Tomsellecksmoustache, if this isn’t what you wanted, I apologize to your luxurious lip warmer–

Fellow DFO commenters, I require your assistance. Ms. Sellecksmoustache is pressing hard for a vacation. I’m fine with it but want some opinions from the most learned minds on the interwebz. She has presented four locals: Montreal, Dublin, Barcelona or Paris.

I am ashamed to admit this, but I am severely lacking in culture and have never left the loving arms of Lady Liberty. Are any of these better than countering with a local somewhere here in God’s country? She added Barcelona to the list because of topless beaches, if that adds any weight to a decision.

tomsellecksmoustache

As someone who loves Spain, my first instinct is to say that Barcelona is a slamdunk, but there’s a chance that’s a trap, so let’s talk through it. If you’re anything like me, then you don’t care so much about where you’re going but rather what you’ll be doing when you get there. When we’re planning/daydreaming about trips, Lady BFC and I start with if we’re looking for pure relaxation (think reading on a beach or chilling at a B&B), doing cultural stuff (museums, ruins, etc), being active (national parks or hiking in general), or just eating and drinking our way through a place. That can be a helpful lens, especially overlain with “where is it going to be a new experience that I’ll remember and/or learn from?” Oh, you also have to overlay it with budget and time, but it’s a helpful starting point for a conversation.

Now, on the underlying issue of whether or not to leave America, yes, you should.  That’s not to say that there aren’t amazing places to see stateside; they’re definitively are and they’re worth taking the time to explore.  Visiting new places, experiencing other cultures, and meeting new people will make you a more well rounded person. You can do that stateside, too, but it’s really valuable to get out of your element and experience something completely new. Just don’t bank on getting a passport during this idiotic government shutdown President Trump has orchestrated.

As someone who has lived in the midwest, south, east coast, mountain west, and now California, I have a lot of great suggestions for places in the US to visit and a lot more places that Lady BFC and I want to check out. But other countries have a shitload to offer, too, so we try and balance domestic and international travel so we can see more and more of this great blue marble.

When I was fifteen, I had the privilege of spending a little over three weeks in Spain as part of a high school program. The language benefits were great–immersion really does wonders and I’ll never forget the cab driver in Torremolinos thinking I was a native and how fucking proud I left–but the real value was in seeing how different things are, including temporally. It’s really easy to forget how young America is, but when you’re in a new country where it’s not just the castles but also random shops that are OLDER THAN OUR ENTIRE REPUBLIC, it really puts things into perspective. Plus, food, booze, etc.

Oh, and you can’t go wrong with any of those four places.  For you, since it’s your first trip abroad, I would probably do Dublin so there’s no language barrier and the Irish are so fucking friendly. But figure out what you want first, because if it’s beaches, you’re SOL.  But you could combine Paris with Nice or say fuck it to beaches and do Deauxville and Normandy.  Alternately you could do Barcelona and Mallorca/Menorca. A bunch of DFOers (especially Zymm) have done some pretty impressive globetrotting, so feel free to email/DM me or keep the conversation going in the comments if you want to pressure test more specific ideas.

But fucking travel. If you can afford it, it’s the best luxury there is.

Here’s a succinct but extremely important question from the last mailbag post

You’ve been going out with someone. He / She is great, hands down, and says to you “I love you”. What do you respond if you’re not in love with that person whom you still wanna date?

–DonT

Uf.  There was some pretty advice–including the lawerly kind–in the comments, but I think this is another very context-dependent question. Do you think you MIGHT see yourself falling in love with this person?  If the answer is no, then you have to be brutally honest–“Wow, I’m so flattered and think you’re great, but I’m not looking for something serious and was hoping to keep this casual.” Probably needs to end so you don’t run a rabbit boiling risk, but at least you’ve been upfront and the other party can make an informed decision. If you think you might but you just aren’t there yet, then something along the lines of Litre’s suggestion of “I’m falling for you” could work, but you need to assess level of intensity and likelihood of your readiness.  In certain circumstances, the best thing is to be completely candid about emotional availability, but a lot of times you just have to let that person go. As Uff used to say in the KSK mailbag, love isn’t just meeting the right person, it’s meeting the right person at the right time.

To close this week out, Let’s go ahead and dial up a Dan Savage letter

My boyfriend and I met at a bondage party a year ago. He’s not into bondage (he tagged along with a kinky friend). We hit it off in the chill-out room and started seeing each other. He told me it was okay for me to keep going to bondage parties and seeing some guys I play with one-on-one. Then right after we moved in together, he said he doesn’t want me playing with anyone else because we are in love. Which means I can’t get tied up at all anymore because he has zero interest in bondage. He can’t see why I’m upset, and I’m not sure what to do.

–Boy In New Drama

Dan very quickly and succinctly gets to his point and tells BIND to DTMFA. And there’s a lesson here for all of us, even the vanilla types–you can’t fall in love with someone / have someone fall in love with you and then demand they change who they are. That’s not to say we don’t all change, we VERY MUCH DO, and I think the best prospect for a successful LTR is when everyone is eyes wide open about “can I grow with this person” not “is this person perfect right now.” However, that also means loving and accepting them for who they are. You of course have the right to change your mind and do whatever it takes to look out for your own interests, but it’s bullshit to tell someone you’re ok with X (no matter what X is) and then bait and switch them. Compatibility, communication, and compassion, is that too much to ask? Bring those three C’s into your relationship with a healthy dose of oral and you can have a successful relationship.

That’s it for this edition of Mouth Flies Open, the DFO advice column. Thanks for reading, ‘riting, and recognizin’.  See you around the DFO clubhouse!

Have questions? Boss getting you down? In-laws moving in without your permission? Looking for the right way to quit a fantasy football league? Email dfosubmissions@gmail.com with your questions, and spread the word!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation’s capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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Senor WeaseloMoose -The End Is Well NighGame Time DecisionballsofsteelandfuryBrettFavresColonoscopy Recent comment authors
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Senor Weaselo

But you could combine Paris with Nice or say fuck it to beaches and do Deauxville and Normandy.

“Or you could say yes to beaches and do Normandy.” -Trident Conference, May 1943

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“TL;DR: went ahead and did what I intended in the first place and worded my question so as to get validation for a questionable selfish stance on my very biased statement of background information.”

Game Time Decision

Go to as many places as you can. Then you’ll know what you like and what you don’t. Think of it like dating. You have to have some idea of what you want. Worse case you have a funny story to tell once it’s over. Assuming you make it back from your Thailand adventure without getting arrested.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

or the Siam Pox.

ballsofsteelandfury

I mentioned it in the original post, but i’m doubling down on Barcelona. It’s one of the best places I’ve ever been.

Sharkbait

Travel as often and as far as you can. May I suggest adding the French Caribbean to the list of places being considered? The French don’t give a shit about tops on their beaches, and the food is spectacular. I’ve been to St. Martin and would go back again in a heartbeat. If you go, make sure to stay on the French side of the Island.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Purely hypothetical, but if I had a six week-old male plant that I pulled up, decarbed, and cooked down into about 2 tbsp of coconut oil, what is an appropriate dosage to take for a nice mellow New Year’s Day?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[redacted] – perhaps full post material.

King Hippo

Classic GOP messaging, is it not? Faux populism and don’t question the system.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So we saw a stealth bomber fly overhead this morning. Presumably on its way to the Rose Bowl. Our view of it was something like this:
comment image

King Hippo

Good advice all around, BFC. I enjoyed this column over Belle & Sebastian: