Your “We Are All…, You Know The Drill” AFC Champagne-ship Game Open Thread

My diary is filled with various loving tributes to the many, many blades I have in my collection. (Thankfully, no one talks about Knife Control) Much like any artist I’ve felt the need recently to expand my skill set, but how?

The non-profit I visited did so many things for those without a home. They seemed to have an answer for every issue for guys and women trying to get back in the work force. No address? They set up a phone number that prospective employers could leave a message at. Lost ID? They provided assistance to those jumping through the various hoops required to get birth certificates and Social Security cards. Lack of transportation? Temporary bus passes and volunteers to drive the newly-employed to work. I had a Dodge Caravan and this was my way in.

Four guys every day. That was the routine. I’d drop them off in the morning, maybe pick up one or two at night-the rest would get back to whatever passed for shelter one way or another. The organization would subtly lean on me to grab their most promising prospects at night. Giving them a bit more structure than most made their ‘numbers’ look good in the long run. I knew the game-funding doesn’t just bubble up from empty space. Stats matter when the board is making a presentation.

Jason was a likable kid-he was that long-limbed, gawky type that never quite grew into his body. He was-I’m guessing-about 24 or so but looked as though he was 10 years older. Deep down the youngster was an optimist but his back-story was one I’d heard before. When he was 16 he got his 15 year-old girlfriend pregnant. He lived in a small town and his parents were prominent members in the church and business community. His Dad claimed to have sent him off to a boarding school but when they arrived at the bus depot he was handed $200 and a one-way ticket to a city three states away. After the money ran out he was sleeping in parks and hanging out with addicts-“I’d been beaten up so many times, I stopped counting after a month and a half”, he once told me.

After I did a rudimentary calculation I asked him one time, “Did you ever get your driver’s license?” He said that his dad let him drive down some back roads when they went hunting but he was out the door before he was legal. “Tell you what-maybe sometime I can let you behind the wheel and you can see what it’s like to drive again. The way things are going, you’ll have your own car in no time.” His face lit up and his grin stays with me to this day.

Back at the office I’d been letting hints drop to the effect that I had suspicions that my boy was back on drugs but I wasn’t quite sure. Everything was set.

It was a Friday heading into a long weekend and Jason was so excited. He shared with me that he’d recently met and was dating a girl he chatted up at Walmart. She was a cashier and things were going great. “Well, somebody better start practicing their driving”, I said. “I know of a lonely old road about three miles from here but I’m gonna be the passenger in the back seat and you’ll be the chauffeur like I’ve been to you.” He tipped his battered cap-“Yes Sir!” and smiled that smile.

A garrote that you’ve fashioned with your own hands is a thing of beauty in its simplicity. A small length of rope, two pieces of wood with a hole in the center that the rope can loop around and be tied to? Less is indeed more. I asked him to keep his eyes on the road and to slow down as I slipped directly behind him. I had been looking forward to the sound that would be made as I crushed his windpipe but, as I learned after doing a bit of homework online, no air to carry it, no sound. Jason, you let me down…

TO THE GAME!

DACA Killers/Time-Out Squanderers:

[prays to non-existent football gods for result that temporarily brings balance to the world]

You know what you’re here for.

 

 

 

 

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Dammit. Why? – Super Bowl 53 Open Thread – [DOOR FLIES OPEN]

[…] of the worst qualities of a cucumber: seedy AND slimy. DFO wishes him a fictional trip to Hoboken, wink. On the other hand: Rams lose,  Brady gets One For The Cock. Pft. 🚬. With all results being […]

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Here’s a video showing you how to make your own ball peen hammer.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

When we switched threads to the second game today I skipped over Scotchnaut’s always gratifying story of his charity work with the homeless (above). I saved it for later, and just now read it. It was, as usual, outstanding.

Brocky

I don’t know why, but I am really salty tonight

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Mr. Ayo
Mr. Ayo

That’s obviously choking. Not a penalty per NFL rules.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Erotic choking.

bk109
bk109

IT WAS FUCKING CONSENSUAL PRE-FUCKIN’ (aka foreplay)

King Hippo

SAWX, DABO!’s Clemson, now almost assuredly P*ts AND Liverpool.

That’s a lot of kicks in the genitalia for someone who doesn’t really enjoy real life.

/Duke or U*NC will probably win the NCAAT, too. Cheating pays when you do it the most rampantly and cast aspersions on those who only cheat the normal amount.

Senor Weaselo

Burn it all down?

Sharkbait

#COYS?

King Hippo

If you want to think “it could be even worse” – could easily be DAL/NE, if not for the big game from Fatty McGoo. Given how LA won without basically doing anything right today…the Non-Gendered Cowpersons would likely have won easily.

bk109
bk109

it could’ve been even worse – DAL/Pit(o’ despair) was also feasible….

Doktor Zymm

Dal/NE is my recurring nightmare bowl

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Anywho, we have decent Patriots fans here so congrats even if you’ve gotten more success in your fandom than most us will ever come close to. I’ll wish doom upon your team forever, but not because of you.

bk109
bk109

Thank you! And I wish better luck on your NFL team next year and all the best for your teams in sports I don’t watch (NBA/MLS/NASCAR). Edit: Fuck it, let’s add the MLB to that list too, though I do half-heartedly support the Red Sox

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

That’s very gracious. Don’t forget, some of us are old enough to have been fans since Babe Parilli’s days, and suffered through being losers for twice as long as the current run of success has lasted.comment image

Sharkbait

I’m riding the train as long as possible. Everything is cyclical and this will end eventually.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

That’s what I keep telling my 20-something year old nephews up home who have only known success. The sun only shines on a given dog’s ass for a given amount of time, then moves on. Going to three SBs in a row with an ancient QB kind of steals the thunder from my warning, though.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yes, in spite of the worst possible outcome, it was a good hard fought game. No, there wasn’t a conspiracy you foil hat people.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Kinda feel like this right now.

Time for some chips!

King Hippo

God, this would have been a fun two weeks with only likeable teams and players still alive. Instead of having to avoid all media like the plague.

WCS

Stan Kroenke vs. Darth Hoodie/Dreamboat/Kraft

Welcome to Trump’s America.

bk109
bk109

Kansas is not exactly likeable with the media tripping over themselves to blow Kermit the QB’s “talents”…. And the Taints? You miss the part where their HC is a raging asshole who gets torched by karma like once a year in the most painful way and he NEVER learns his lesson and his defence literally got away with attempted murder on that PI/H2H that everyone on the goddamn planet but the refs saw?

Gratliff

Unlike the patriots offense, who failed to get away with actual murder.

bk109
bk109

Who said that we didn’t? Where’d you think all the good players go that couldn’t secure a roster spot?

King Hippo

I am fine with RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! except for their oily, car salesman-ish owner.

Just needed sommet that didn’t make me clench in anger and mute the sound.

Horatio Cornblower

This is an excellent point and quite honestly why I pretty much only follow the NFL because of you fine people.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

The God’s honest sentiment I’ve walked away with in the last few years is there really are no unambiguous heroes to get behind, I could make a strong case against each of the final four teams this weekend.

In the end, the sheer monotony drives me mad. After being told for so many years the NFL is all about parity, seeing the same damned teams in it in the end blows open a lot of myths used to justify pro-owner actions in other sports.

King Hippo

the NFL could be really good if it didn’t prop up and enable eeeevvvviiiillll so consistently

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

One good thing about working largely from home is that my attempted homicides against people like her are way down.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I work with people who unironically “Happy Friday” so I understand this culture too well.

Doktor Zymm

Just about the only enjoyable thing about dynasties is watching them crumble and fail in entertaining ways. Super annoying that we don’t get that with the Pats.

Horatio Cornblower

At this point I’d just like to live long enough to see that and how Game of Thrones ends. Anything else is really a bonus.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Also, like Warren Zevon, I’d like to live long enough to see the next Bond film.

Horatio Cornblower

And yet, they keep making them.

/pours out a 40 for Warren

Senor Weaselo

Werewolves of London: The Bond Movie!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Anyway, blood moon tonight. Full eclipse begins in about an hour. I’ll stare at it until I freeze.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Doktor Zymm

Brady actually played pretty poorly in that game, it was the run that won it for them. Maybe he’ll play shitty in the SB too, and the Rams will actually be able to stop the run. That’s a thing that could happen, right?

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Sure.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

*prolonged fart sound*

King Hippo

No, I think it must have been that The Shield/Satan let RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! win just because they would be easier for the P*ts to beat.

Plus they’ll be like 5-6 point favourites, so there won’t even be a way to really monetize the pain.

Horatio Cornblower

I am rooting for Suh and Donald to high-low him and dislocate his neck and knees at the same time.

15 yard penalty be damned.

King Hippo

God hates us to much for that to happen, though. Only had the Iggles thing because of Year of Litre, and because He is an It’s Always Sunny fan.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Genuinely thinking of not watching the Super Bowl this year. I won’t enjoy it even if the Patriots lose.

Horatio Cornblower

You’ll watch just like the rest of us, forcing beer through gritted teeth like you were Bill Cosby with a sleepover buddy.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Stop being right

Horatio Cornblower

I actually lean left.

Look, that testicle is just heavier, OK?

King Hippo

I didn’t watch last year, and only will this year because Baby Buster and the OKC bomber made it. I feel like the narrow, undeserved avoidance of Narrative Owl requires it of me.

Will enjoy it about as much as I enjoy every other aspect of continuing to live into my mid-40s.

bk109
bk109

Hrrm, I’m starting to suspect Belichik or Brady or both Batman’d ICRM’s family, ’cause he hates the Pats way more than the societal baseline….

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Hush, I’m two bottles deep in barrel-aged beer and I have some pent frustrating to get out. It’s either this or ranting about the Cubs.

bk109
bk109

Ungh, I remember what the Cubs did to a coworker these playoffs, so have fun with the Patriots… after that collapse you deserve to vent (unless they’ve gone even full-er retard the offseason and I missed it)

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, please, do go on about how you haven’t won a World Series since 2016.
/dismissive wanking motion until my hand falls off

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

I have a TON of thoughts about the Cubs fanbase and how they’re terrible (they made a 95 win season seem like an 75 win one) but I’m actually tired of ranting about them.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Not that fans don’t have a reason to be upset now because ownership, management, and players are terrible, but even in April fans were sour.

Horatio Cornblower

The Ricketts family absolutely deserves to suffer from their namesake disease for all eternity.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Just awful people. Those emails from the patriarch just hammered home what they’re like.

Anyway, they’re all in to unseat Tunney (the alderman who reps the ward Wrigley sits in) so next month should be fun.

King Hippo

hey, at least you don’t have to put up with the folk who use #BFIB unironically

/and we don’t have Tommy Pham no more

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