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Hi, everybody. It’s King Hippo, bringing you news of Most Glorious South American Euros. Today’s preview involves the beautiful, peace-loving nation of Colombia, where the national team is called Los Cafeteros – because certainly, when one thinks of Colombian exports, one always thinks coffee.
You may remember them from the last World Cup as the stylish team that pissed Hippo off by losing to Cuck Liouns in the Round of 16. I may or may not have lost significant moneys on that. Anyway, the rankings say they are still quite good – #12 in FIFA, #8 in ELO. Their active squad is mostly composed of players from European giants, including the mighty Everton (CB Yerry Mina).
We also called them Coca Bros. last time out, but let’s just say Wakey gave Hippo a link one can NEVAR unsee, one that will instantly change their nickname forever. Jesus Tapdancing Christ…these weirdos fuck donkeys on the regular, and it’s an accepted part of their culture. From maintaining Catholic virtue to “natural male enhancement” (let’s see Jimmy Johnson cut ads for THAT) – it seems to be the go-to solution for all Colombian life problems.
Here is VICE news, Asses of the Caribbean:
This is not a Borat report, though it really, really should be.
Hippo placed a whopping bet of $11 and change on Los Donkeyfuckers to win the South American Euros. At +900, it seemed like good value.
These fuckswains have won el torneo exactly once, in 2021 – not coincidentally the only time they ever hosted. One presumes each squad was given “gift baskets” including sex donkeys. World Cup-wise, they topped out at the Flacco Eight, in 2014.
In terms of crowd watching, one always looks out for Carlos Valderrama, as well as MOAR typical perving.
But you and I both know – all one will ever be able to think about when this side plays…is donkey fucking. You’re welcome, Commentist Party faithful.