Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- The Losers’ Investment Club: American Renal Associates – September 13, 2019
- The Losers’ Investment Club: Kroger – September 6, 2019
- Request Line: In Good Hands – August 30, 2019
INT. ELI’S ROOM – NIGHT
ELI MANNING and DANIEL JONES are playing Space Harrier II on Eli’s Sega Genesis. DANIEL has made it as far as the Zero Polis level, but then grimaces as he gets blasted by a Phantom Samurai. As the game music turns off, the raucous sounds of a lively Book Club meeting can be heard from downstairs.
DANIEL JONES: Nuts. Okay, I’m bored with this. Let’s play some Altered Beast. Hey, speaking of Altered Beast, how are you feeling, buddy?
ELI MANNING: Huh?
DANIEL: Ha ha, yeah! You’re feelin’ it now. You want another gummy?
ELI: Yeah, candy sounds good. Actually, you know what? We got some pizza rolls in the freezer, let’s go get those.
DANIEL: And run the cougar gauntlet? Sure, let’s do it.
[cut to: INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT]
VIRGINIA HASKEY: …and I just found the whole premise too confusing. Is the narrator Indian, or is he Canadian?
AMY TRASK: He’s both, you racist old coot!
VIRGINIA: A Canadian who’s also an Indian? Don’t be ridiculous, Amy, Canadians are just like you and me, they can’t be Indians.
— [door flies open] —
ELI: Mom, we want some pizza rolls.
OLIVIA MANNING: Eli, where are your manners?
ELI: Oh, sorry. Good evening Mrs. McCaskey, Mrs. Trask, Ashley.
AMY: [eyes him like a piece of meat] Eli, why don’t you come over here so I can pinch those sweet cheeks of yours…
ELI: Anyways, about those pizza rolls…
[cut to: ELI’S PERSPECTIVE]
OLIVIA: Now Eli, because you have a friend over, you can have those pizza rolls, but we need to talk about your chores.
OLIVIA: I see the ship has already sailed on you cleaning your room, but the patio needs to be swept.
OLIVIA: And Fluffernutter’s litterbox needs to be changed.
OLIVIA: And first thing tomorrow we’re going to be quizzing you on the new K-Gun concepts that Coach Shula sent over.
DANIEL: Mrs. Manning, would it be all right if I got myself a drink of water?
OLIVIA: Of course, Daniel, help yourself. Now Eli, you also promised that…
DANIEL JONES slinks off towards the kitchen.
[cut to: INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT]
DANIEL JONES turns around as he realizes someone has followed him into the kitchen.
ASHLEY: [smiling sweetly] Hi Daniel.
DANIEL: [nervously] Um, hi Mrs. Manning.
ASHLEY: I haven’t heard from you in two weeks, Daniel.
DANIEL: Yeah, you see…
ASHLEY: [steps closer to him] Where are my drugs, Daniel?
DANIEL: Listen…you have to understand…for me to get my hands on that much oxy…
ASHLEY: [steps even closer, within arms reach] You seemed very confident that you’d easily be able to attend to my request. So confident, in fact, that you demanded cash up front.
DANIEL: Yeah, about that…
ASHLEY: Are you telling me that you can’t deliver on your promise?
DANIEL: [stammering] It’s just that…you see…[trails off as ASHLEY continues to stare intently at him]
ASHLEY: It’s all right, Daniel. I understand you tried your best, and you just weren’t able to make the connection that you thought you could. No hard feelings. I’ll just get my money back from you, and we’ll just call the whole thing a wash. How does that sound?
DANIEL: Um…yeah. That, uh, that sounds fine.
Neither moves for a moment.
ASHLEY: My money, Daniel. You were going to give me back my money.
DANIEL: I…don’t have it…
ASHLEY: [takes one more step closer]
DANIEL: …here! Right now. It’s, uh, it’s somewhere safe.
ASHLEY: Oh! Well that’s good, I wouldn’t want anything to happen to it. New York is a very dangerous city, I’m so glad you’re looking out for the interests of a naive country girl like me. You will drop by tomorrow afternoon with it, though?
DANIEL: Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
ASHLEY: You promise?
DANIEL: You have my word.
ASHLEY: [extends a hand] Shake on it?
DANIEL: [looks at her outstretched hand apprehensively] O…kay…
As DANIEL’S hand touches ASHLEY’S, her fingers move in a complicated way and engage DANIEL in a wrist lock, painful enough that he draws a deep breath and falls to one knee.
ASHLEY: That’s good, Daniel. I’d hate to think of something bad happening to your throwing hand. Or your knees, I hear that the NFL is particularly rough on a player’s joints. Anyhow, you know where to find me. And don’t forget…you promised!
Today’s theme is: PROMISES! No limit on picks today, let’s get to it!