July 2nd marked the opening of the International Free Agency period in Major League Baseball, where teams can sign talent from around the world without dealing with the draft. The New York Yankees promptly made their move, signing a 16 year old centerfielder out of the Dominican Republic, and Yankee Haters, have I got great news: He’s really, really good.

I should have been more clear and mentioned that this was great news for me. I’m a Yankee fan. I don’t give a pig’s whistling asshole about you.

I’ve known about this 16 year old for about 48 hours, and because nobody typically dives that deeply into the IFA, chances are you’re only just finding out about him right now. So let’s do the proper introductions. Meet Jasson Dominguez

His name is sic. His game is sick. They call him The Martian because his talent is out of this world. While the superfluous S in the first name suggests Utah, the kid hails from the Dominican Republic, and now the only thing I can think is come home, my big, beautiful boy. Yankees have not done well in the D.R. this year, and it’s time to break the damn cycle.

All you really need to know is that the Yankees had a little more than $5MM that they could spend in International Free Agency for everybody, and they gave this 16 year old $5MM. So…pretty much all of it. That’s a lot of money for a 16 year old who under the best circumstances is a good 2, and probably more like 3 or 4 years away from the show. But the important thing is that they ponied up, shared a bottle of Evian, and now are water brothers for life.

Jeff Passan of ESPN wrote about him here. I should let you know that despite my being dead inside, I’m a passionate man who is always ready to fall in love with a prospect. But just how good could this stranger from a strange land be? From the article:

“But,” one general manger who has seen him said, “he’s like Mike Trout. And Trout wasn’t close to this good when he was 16.”

Whelp, I’m sold. I should mention he’s a switch hitter. So to recap, he’s like a younger, better, ambidextrous hitting version of the best baseball player of any of our lifetimes.

Hey. Fuck you. It is too possible. You’re impossible.

“it’s like Mickey Mantle. He’s not 6-foot. He’s a switch-hitter. He’s got crazy power. He’s fast as s—. He loves playing.”

Okay. Mickey Mantle was no Mike Trout, but still, decent company. Unfortunately there aren’t a ton of scouting reports to go on, though several other teams were also all-in on this kid, who is widely considered the prize jewel of the IFA class. But unlike other years, it appears that it’s the Yankees who finally caught a break. Let’s take a look at MLB’s scouting grades.  

55. 55. 60. 60. And 55. Quick primer for people who aren’t baseball dorks, “tools” are graded on a 20-80 scale. Why? No fucking clue. My point is, this isn’t the same as the average test scores for an incoming SEC receiver. It’s actually pretty damn decent for a regular prospect. For a 16 year old? God-like. These are man numbers. And they might be a touch conservative, if we’re to believe the anecdotal evidence. And trust me

Reports are he already regularly touches 110 mph on his exit velocity (Elite for MLB sluggers). “Regularly” is admittedly a relative, and trite term. I “regularly” had sex with this girl in college, which translated to about 4 or 5 times. I also “regularly” eat pizza, which is actually all the fucking time. So which is it, Jasssssson? Are we talking “shame sex with Meghan” or “my literal diet”? I’m going to guess it’s the pizza thing, because I choose life. He also ran the 60 yard dash in 6.3 seconds. Do you know who didn’t run the 60 yard dash in 6.3 seconds? Mo Hampton who did it in 6.44. This is Mo Hampton.

That’d be a safety for LSU. I don’t know. Are those guys usually fast?

Do I have any highlights? Well how does a few seconds of a guy taking hacks at the plate suit you?

Yup, that’s a regular Mikke Trout in action. Let’s do this. Give me your number today so that we can retire it tomorrow.

Look, on some level, all of this is pretty damn hard to grok. Baseball players are notoriously difficult to predict. And being better than Mike Trout at 16 isn’t as impossible a feat as it sounds. The guy only went 25th in the Rule 4 draft, so at one point, a lot of players were considered better than Mike Trout. Hell, Albert Pujols was drafted 402 and was projected as minor league depth. He’ll be in the Hall of Fame just as soon as he’s eligible. Tons of highly drafted guys never even make the majors. If you can accurately predict what every player will develop into you will have a job offer from any team other than the Baltimore Orioles who are quite happy letting their Rhesus monkey pick up headshots of prospects, and letting it ride. It’s not easy.

That being said, this kid is the truth. And the Yankees didn’t have to tank to move their way up in the draft order, because the kid didn’t have to go through the dang draft, and all it cost them was an insignificant amount of money. Scoff all you like, ask yourself this, Yankee Haters: Do you feel good that the Yankees spent all of their IFA money on him? Look yourself in the mirror and say with a straight face, “This is good, and I’m glad they blew it all on him.”

That’s what I thought.