Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- Request Line: Joy – August 23, 2019
- Why I Won’t Be Watching The NFL This Year: Your 2019 Homeless Raiders Season Preview – August 21, 2019
- Request Line: Poolside – August 16, 2019
INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY
A well-tanned PRODUCER and a cheerfully lit-up DJ 3000 stroll into the office.
PRODUCER: Well that sure was a relaxing eight week stay in Puerto Vallarta, wouldn’t you say, DJ 3000?
DJ 3000: SI, SI, FUE MUY RELAJENTE.
PRODUCER: We’re back in the States, buddy. Better switch back to English before those human piles of excrement that work for I.C.E. slap a tarriff on you.
DJ 3000: [flips boolean]
PRODUCER: I wonder if anything interesting happened while we were gone…
DANIEL JONES in the upper boughs of a tree outside a brownstone in Brooklyn, wearing only a lacy camisole and looking very frightened and very confused.
DJ 3000: SO WHAT IS ON THE SCHEDULE FOR TODAY?
PRODUCER: I thought you would know.
DJ 3000: MY CALENDAR HAS NOT SYNCHED YET…AH, THERE IT GOES. IT LOOKS LIKE TODAY OUR HOST IS…
— [door flies open] —
JOHN DAVID BOOTY: Hiya fellas!
PRODUCER: John David Booty. Wow. It’s been awhile.
JOHN DAVID BOOTY: It sure has! Good to see you boys!
DJ 3000: WELCOME. I REMEMBER SEEING YOU PLAY FOR THE [hurriedly looks him up on Wikipedia] MINNESOTA VIKINGS.
PRODUCER: What are you…are you…here to host?
JOHN DAVID BOOTY: That’s right! Me and station management go way back, and I’ve been looking to get myself a few more public speaking gigs, so I thought I’d turn up and show the world what I got!
PRODUCER: Well, that’s…
JOHN DAVID BOOTY: Anyhow, I’m supposed to have a co-host but it doesn’t look like he’s gonna make it – he said his car broke down and he’s having trouble getting a lift.
Jason Pierre-Paul standing by the side of the freeway, attempting to hitchhike, looking very frustrated.
DJ 3000: Ninety seconds to air.
PRODUCER: Shit, time is tight. Okay, so…
— [door flies open] —
ARANTXA SÁNCHEZ VICARIO: ¿Disculpe, DJ 3000 trabaja aquí? [sees him] ¡Aha!
DJ 3000: AHORA NO, ARANTXA.
ARANTXA SÁNCHEZ VICARIO: ¡Pero nunca dijiste adiós! ¡Y tu nunca pagaste la cuenta en el bar! Era mucho dinero.
PRODUCER: Goddamnit, we’re running out of time. Okay, John, get in there.
The PRODUCER shoves JOHN DAVID BOOTY into the recording booth and starts furiously punching buttons on the console, while DJ 3000 and ARANTXA SÁNCHEZ VICARIO begin arguing furiously in Spanish. He pounds on the glass to get JOHN DAVID BOOTY’s attention, then counts things down with his fingers.
JOHN DAVID BOOTY: Good day, folks! It’s your favorite…[looks at PRODUCER, who shakes his head slowly and holds up five fingers]…fifth-favorite…[looks out at producer, who taps his forehead to acknowledge his own forgetfulness and is now holding up a picture of Todd Marinovich]…sixth-favorite former USC quarterback with you for another edition of Request Line. Today we’re looking for songs whose titles include the full name of a person. Bonus points for songs that have a first, middle and a last name in the title. I’ll get us started with one from Green Day. Lines are open now, so have at it!