Did I micturate on your rug?

I wake from a fretful slumber, the dream I’m having may be more menacing than originally thought. The sleep is clearing from my hungover brain. The fog was lifting. As it cleared I started to realize this may have actually happened. Did I say I would guest host and be the chef Du Jour for this weeks cooking deal that “yeah right” writes?

When a man gets past a certain drunkenness he can no longer be trusted on word or deeds and why would I do such a dastardly thing to my own self.

Did I personally pee on your rug?

There can only be one thing at fault here, it has to be that damn Satan again, son of a bitch. Last time I had to deal with old Bezzelbubba he scared shit out of me. Damn near wet myself in sheer terror. Why won’t that evil old screw just leave me be? Maybe “yeah right” has something to do with this.

I decided I needed a beer, hell maybe a shit-ton more than one, so off I go to the local watering hole just to knock back a few. It’s mid day, sunny afternoon and as I pull open the doors of this fine establishment I am surrounded by cool darkness. I guess it must be better on the eyes for the daytime drinkers. Strolling in, bumping into something rather large laying across the floor, walk up to the bar, pull up a stool and order a nice chilly one.

My eyes are dilating slowly, finally getting a clear look at the scene around me, confusing looking crowd seem hostile and vulgar and it’s only noon. The bartender hands me my beer, it’s dripping with the condensation that says “Damn it man I am cold and delicious and made just for you.”

I close my eyes, lean my head back and take a long pull. It’s so cold it makes my teeth hurt, must have swallowed two thirds of it in that first drink, (is there anything finer then that first taste of your beverage of choice when you’re parched? I say not.) Open my eyes back up and the darkness has dissipated. Damn I think maybe I can dig this boozer scene. Just as my serenity seemed complete some asshole has to go and pop my fun balloon.

“Hey Pal” I hear over my shoulder. Who the hell says “pal?”

I turn offended, ready to face my tormentor only to discover standing right in front of me bathed in the only light in the room is none other than Jesus Christ himself. He takes a long look at me smiles a strange little smile and again says “Hi Pal.”

What are the odds? I never go to bars on a Tuesday afternoon to wallow in my sorrows yet somehow I arrive here at this moment and of all the seedy juke joints in all the corners of the world I chance to pick the very one our lord and savior has chosen to grace. Crap.

I am most certainly going to offend, so I say “Hi” timidly back.

He gives me that quirky smile and says “I’m hungry what’cha cookin?”

My brain starts to spin. What a unique opportunity. Jesus is Hungry.

I have the power to ask Jesus what his favorite foods is. Can you imagine any greater moment? The lord of all things favorite munchies!

The anticipation builds. What will he say?

He looks longingly down the hall and begins to hover a few inches off his bar stool and then slowly rises until he’s floating across the ceiling ( I think ZZ Top said that.) A light appears around him like he’s glowing and he answers quietly in a loving tone “I’ve always liked the fried foods. And I love me some donuts”.

“So Jesus” I ask “what is your very favorite fried thing (come on you’re dying to know) ever?”

He looks solemn, strokes his beard in thought for a few moments and says “Tempura” (he pronounced it “Team poor ah”.)

And with that he took off floating (yes even Jesus has to pee) down the hall in search of the men’s room.

“God damn it Jesus you know hard tempura is to do?” I shouted after him.

He just laughed and said “You asked.”

I find myself astonished, here I am, Jesus and I talking food what could possibly be more perfect? Do I have to make tempura for Jesus? When suddenly the lights flicker, the room grows menacingly darker, a foul stench like sulfur fills the darkness. The very air itself is changing. Something big is coming.

Then a booming voice that quakes the building says “Feed me! I need meat and I want it cooked over fire! The kind of meat that must be served with a roll of toilet paper. The kind of meal that will have your plate saying

LICK ME

“Oh and if you would please, some fresh tomatoes and chopped onions.”

I look over my other shoulder (you remember that Jesus floated away so I was engrossed in all things Jesus when this maniac appears out of nowhere, well of course I was terrified you would be too) and there in front of me, more like an affront to me, is no other than Satan himself.

He smiles wickedly. Blood drips from his foul mouth “Feed me god pound your eyes or I will feast on you instead, ca-peesh?”

So at this point I’m thinking “Let’s get the old ‘Morning Star’ fed.”

Has there ever been a chasm deeper than this quandary?

This moment here could change time forever. What do you do? Satan insists but Jesus loves. Do I dare overrule Jesus and go burgers or do I say “Hey Satan you voted for Trump!” and take my chances?

The mind is tumbling, confusion reigns supreme, when suddenly I remember there’s this thing called the internet.

I would like to say that what follows is all original but… “Hey what do you mean somebody made tempura first?”  I do promise more Satan and some subtle differences to the dishes that will increase both length and girth.

Bon Appetit

He rises before me, must be 10 feet tall! Jeezum crow he’s a right big goomer I am here to tell you. This big sumbitch says “I want a cheeseburger.”

Well imagine my state of being. The foulest of all creation wants a cheeseburger but then here comes Jesus floating down the hall whistling some tune about tempura donuts, damn it he’s floating.

Satan looks crazed with anger. “Hey Jesus stop showing off! I could float if I wanted to but floating is so yesterday.”

He bellows at me “You will make me a burger or I will make you my burger you fat old twat.”

“Jeez Satan calm down” I squeak.

So what am I to do? What would you do?

Jesus, do you know how hard tempura is to do? You have to keep the batter in an ice bath for crepe sake – like what I did there?  Jesus wants fried but the lord of all things icky wants a burger and frankly he is much more scary than the hippie dude, just saying.

Brain says feed “Big Ugly” a meat burger.

Should I use an image of a light bulb here or just tell you my idea?

How about we do them both at the same time!

We’re going to make egg roll burgers! Hey who said “That sounds kind of gross?”

Either Jesus or Satan will smote you, so if anybody else has any bits to add I would keep them to thyselves.

It’s not as hard as it sounds. Just to keep Satan off me I did fire up the grill and I slapped 2 pounds of meat, salt, pepper and essence into 4 rather large burger patties because I did not want to fully cook them.

This is the from the new record from one of the coolest rock bands of all time, and you should be very jealous, I have sweet seats to see them on August 7th .

If you were to click on any one of yeah right’s links you could find much better instructions so I am going to give the bullet points.

“What’s that Satan? I should get moving? Oh yeah.”

I just wanted to give the meat that charcoal (Satan just loves burnt flesh) smokey taste. Cooked just three minutes over scorching hot coals on each side and threw into a bowl for use in a few moments.

Now let’s do something so easy I did it twice in 12 hours.

“Why did you do it twice?” Jesus asks.

Well damn it if you have to know, we’re making sweet and sour sauce not sweet and sweet sauce and when I first did this recipe I was high as you are right now Jesus and so I forgot the rice wine vinegar and had to pour the whole jar down the sink.

Super easy. Here, the six ingredients.

Sweet and Sour Sauce

1 cup pineapple (not fresh use CANNED – fresh has an enzyme that breaks down corn starch) juice
3/4 cup packed (ask yeah right he made me do this) brown sugar
1/3 cup (idiot) rice wine vinegar
3 tablespoons ketchup – or is it catsup?
2 tablespoons soy (I hear a Sparks song in my head can you guess which one?) sauce
and a corn starch slurry.

What? Oh Goddamn it, 1 1/2 tablespoons corn starch dissolved into two tablespoons water

Put all the ingredients (except for the slurry which we use later right? You have done this before?) into a bowl and whisked until smooth. Pour into a sauce pan over LOW heat and don’t go pet the dog or jerk off. Stay close. If it boils over it’s fucking napalm.

Bring just to a boil stirring frequently. It took about 20 minutes. When it reaches a full boil cook for one minute, not two or seven.

Now it’s slurry (you’re probably going to have to stir it again to loosen it up) time. Into the gruel it goes. Cook one minute more until it “tightens.” Remove from heat, let fully cool and you are about to have a mouth explosion.

So good, so easy. “What Jesus? The color?”

Oh I know what you’re asking. When you get those little packets with your crappy take out and it’s as red as a pecker on a poodle. You can red yours up if you want, I chose not to but there are several way to do that. You could use that poison red food color or there’s some new fangled thing made out of dried beets.

“What’s that Satan? Blood? Good one, Weirdo. Yeah I know, if you would stop yelling at me I’ll get you that burger.”

Chop 1/4 of an onion fairly fine, then chop 3 or 4  – make it 5 cloves of really old garlic. Just seeing if your paying attention. Splash a little oil – I used vegetable (it was cheapest down to the Wal-Mart) into a skillet. Add the pre-charred flesh of the cow into the mixture blah,blah, blah. Remove and cool. Than I pulled out my egg roll wrappers and did this

 

two or three times.

“That’s right Jesus, it is like rolling up some big doobers.”

You’ll be done in no time, off to the fryer with you.

Will you for god’s sake watch your temperature? I know you’ve got one of those thermometers that goes from negative 50 to 550 Fahrenheit. Right around three hundred is a good place to start.

Cook for three minutes then pull from the hot oil with your bare hands or use some silly utensil like I did as to avoid a trip to the emergency room.

I wanted to mix it up a bit so I did three kinds.

The original idea was the meat mixture and a fine slice of that weird yellow American cheese, about 1/4 of a slice.

The one in the picture is the BBQ bacon cheese, Yes they were delicious Satan.

“Hey what do you mean were?”

This should be required listening to all people of the world!

 

And me not being a real big cheese guy did one that was just meat mixture, sweet pickle relish and ketchup all rolled up the same and cooked the same way.

I think I liked the relish ones best and every one of them were fooking brilliant in the Sweet and Sour sauce.

All right Jesus here we go.

LOOK YOU CAN SEE THE LOVE IN THOSE EYES

 

Anybody who has ever attempted this says to have everything prepped and ready before, let me say that again BEFORE you make your batter.

Just for laughs I am going to attempt to pull off three things, no not that. Get your mind out of Satan’s ass.

First some mushrooms that I par-boiled (look it up) for about four minutes then put into colander to drain.

Broccoli in the same water after pulling the mushies, for about 10 ( I know I’ve been goofing off a lot but not kidding ten is plenty) seconds then move to drain.

I took one good size chicken breast and sliced thin, no more that an eighth of an inch.

You have to cook this in one minute, if you don’t have it thin enough you will be ingesting botulism.

OK. Everything ready to go?

Tempura batter.

1/2 cup all purpose flour for dredging that you move over there with the other stuff

Again this is terribly simple, or is it?

1 egg yolk (just the yolk, that’s a yoke son, you get it?)
1/2 cup COLD (as cold as Mary Magdalene’s dead corpse”What Jesus? Oh sorry”) water
1’2 cup ICE COLD BEER, your choice I use I used my can of Bud
3/4 cup all purpose flour
1/4 cup Corn Starch
A big bowl that a smaller bowl will fit into filled with ice, like an ice bath.

Take the egg yolk and put in the smaller bowl that has been floating in the ice bath. Don’t mix! Add COLD water then COLD beer, don’t mix!!!!! Add the flour and the corn starch and now using figure eight motions ( I told Jesus that this is a pain in the ass but come on it’s the Son of God and I think he’s high what can we do here?) with a wire whisk mix no more than four or five times. You want the flour to be clumpy (is that a word, it sounds made up) now here it is in four steps.

Veggies first dredge in the flour dip into batter (yes that is my Fleur De Lis so yes I am real. You think a sissy ass Vikings fan would ever sport such an atrocity?)

Say aren’t I magic with them thar chopsticks?

Drop into oil, don’t move! Stare into the vacuum of boiling fat sixty seconds max. Pay attention! You look away for even one moment and Satan is here to take you down.

After devouring all of that fried food I felt a bit how you say? Maybe serve as an appetizer not the main course, maybe some coleslaw or tater salad would have helped. You ever belch oil? Not funny Satan.

So what have we learned here today kids? Probably not much.

The egg rolls were not too bad.

“What’s that Satan? You thought they were that good? How many did you eat? 67! good God man have you no couth? Wretched foul creature.”

And I did not know that Jesus could float, it really did tie the room together.

The sweet and sour was stunning. I don’t care who made it. Simply unbelievable. I see some sweet and sour pork in my very near future.

Maybe it was Satan’s guiding hand but a tempura batter that perfect has alluded me my entire life. Crispy, tender. “Yes Jesus you can have another mushroom.”

A hush falls over the room. Jesus’ sweet voice fills the air and as he speaks Satan roars in a cacophony over all that is holy “He’s just showing off again.”

“That’s it Satan I’m sick of you. Go to hell!”

“Alright” he skulks. “But I’ll see you soon enough. You won’t forget our deal.”

“Hey Satan I don’t think that deal was very fair! I didn’t get that much bigger! I’m not sure if it’s (hey was that a carefully placed penis joke?) worth my soul. What are you laughing at Jesus? You’re probably swinging a whopper.”

Yes you’re right, it only seems fair for Jesus to have the last word.

“You of righteous heart and kind mind be free and teach the young to be nice.”

“And next time do the donuts!”

 

Thank you to one and all, if you made it this far I feel I owe you something, I know next time your in town stop by for cookies and beer.

I was just informed that I am doing the 2019 Saints preview next month, now I have to make up even more lies.

Here a preview