They said it could never happen but it did. Scads and mega-scads of images of girlycakes are gone from your device, scrubbed North Korea-style. No more fulsome buttocks to waggle your tongue at. Pert nipples peaking out of a flimsy cotton chemise? Done. Lithesome shoulders revealed by a tank top? Over. Legs that go on and on and on? Off.

Some “others” will be affected as well. Pics of the tail-end of sheep? Sorry Liam, that’s now history. Car exhaust pipes? Nada. The empty eye sockets of the recently deceased? Zilcho.

So what does that leave us with? Preseason frickin’ football. I don’t like this any more than you do, but we’ve no choice. TO THE GAMES!

Buf/Car:

Do you need an un-hackable password? I’d suggest it involve the last names of the current Bills wr’s. I mean, you might get lucky with ‘Jones’ but after that it’s a shit-show. In the last round of your fantasy draft you might consider Devin Singletary-he’s the latest flavour at rb. I think that starting about eight games into the season he’ll be the guy in a run-heavy O. Once he starts, oldsters McCoy and Gore can think back on opportunities in their youth that they missed. I should have kissed Penelope under the alder tree that day in the late 1890’s. She batted her eyelashes and everything! How did I miss that?

Chi/NYG:

Training camp wunderkind for the Jizziants is udfa te C.J. Conrad. He turned down a higher paycheque from the Pats so that he could foist his talents in The Jersey. Of course he’s catching every damn ball thrown his way and blocking like a man-beast. He’ll be offered a rookie contract and one of either Simonson (who?) or Ellison (what?) will get cut. Stashing him on the practice squad is not an option because players have to pass waivers beforehand and there’s a certain malevolent presence nearby that would claim him posthaste.

Mia/T.B.

I just don’t get how rb K. Drake is rated so far ahead of K. Ballage in fantasy. Last year Drake was ‘the guy’ and 35 year-old insurance policy Frank Gore (see above) ended up getting 36 more carries than him. And now the logic is ‘now that the old guy is gone, Drake is going to town’. That ain’t make no sense! Ballage will have the job halfway through the year.

If there are some survivors of “The Great Cleansing” out there, feel free to share what you were able to stow away on your frag-resistant devices.

As always, enjoy tonight’s offerings, if you dare….