INT. RECORDING STUDIO – DAY
The PRODUCER is seated at the console, setting things up for the day’s show. DJ 3000 relaxes nearby.
DJ 3000: So who’s the guest for today?
PRODUCER: [looks up] Oh, actually it’s quite the get.
DJ 3000: We’re closing out the season in style?
PRODUCER: Very much so.
RECEPTIONIST: [via intercom] Your guest for today is here.
PRODUCER: Wonderful, wonderful. Send him in.
— [door flies open] —
The PRODUCER looks up from the console as he continues to hit buttons and slide controls into position.
PRODUCER: Mr. Kraft, welcome, thank you so much for joining us. I just have a couple adjustments left to make before…
BOB KRAFT: [dreamily watching the PRODUCER work as though hypnotized] My God. That’s amazing.
PRODUCER: Oh, it’s not as complex as it looks, there’s just a few…
KRAFT: No, no, your hands! The way your they fly around that console. Such dexterity! [gets a faraway look in his eyes] Why, with hands like that you, you could…
PRODUCER: [finishes setting things up and stands] All set! If you could just head into the booth…
KRAFT: First, a handshake.
PRODUCER: [uncomfortably] Uh…okay.
The PRODUCER offers his hand for a handshake, and BOB KRAFT grasps it with both of his own hands and holds it firmly.
KRAFT: My goodness. They feel even more beautiful than they look!
PRODUCER: Um…
KRAFT: [still holding] Such smooth skin. And what a grip!
PRODUCER: [starting to squirm slightly] Yes, yes, very nice to meet you.
KRAFT: [still holding] You must do some kind of forearm exercises.
PRODUCER: [looks at DJ 3000 for help, who says nothing but a small red light on his console labeled “laughter” begins flashing silently] Just some occasional tennis. Listen, why don’t we…
KRAFT: You know, we really could use someone with such…strong hands…working for me.
PRODUCER: No, really, I…
KRAFT: In my organization, I mean. You see, I make a great many investments, and I often find that my advisers are far to eager to exit our positions prematurely. They have “weak hands”, as it were. Now, before we get to the radio show, I do have a bit of a special request.
PRODUCER: Well, we’ll see what we can…
KRAFT: If you could just tickle the ring a little bit?
PRODUCER: [glances down at the Super Bowl LIII ring that KRAFT is sporting, glances back up]
KRAFT: No, not that ring. [winks]
PRODUCER: [is horrified]
KRAFT: [finally releases the PRODUCER’s hand] Ha ha ha ha! Just a joke, man. Relax!
PRODUCER: [audibly sighs with relief]
KRAFT: I wasn’t kidding about having a special request, though. Do you have some gaffer tape?
PRODUCER: Um…sure.
The PRODUCER opens a drawer in his desk and pulls out a roll. He hands it to KRAFT, who theatrically stretches out a section with a snap, then turns and places it over the video camera on DJ 3000’s front control panel.
DJ 3000: HEY!
KRAFT: Sorry about that, old sport. But I’ve learned my lesson, and I would prefer not to have any cameras capturing what’s about to happen in here. [turns to the PRODUCER] Now. Are you familiar with the expression “knob turner”…?
—
Today’s topic is “in good hands”. We’re looking for songs about hands and the things that hands do, like grabbing things, holding on to things, etc. I’ll get us started with a DOUBLE SHOT from The Smiths. This is the last Request Line of the season, so there are no limits today. Have at it!
Also, this:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=htgr3pvBr-I&feature=youtu.be
I’m VERY disappointed that this hasn’t shown up yet:
https://youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=wv-34w8kGPM
Supposedly a song about, uh ,hand to self therapy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkpgz3uQ58U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHNDWw4SnLc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUtHjOvPKT0
They were great live, but the recorded vocals…. well they’re an acquired taste
I actually bought their album at a show and rather than admit my disappointment I learned to like it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKdspWe-KdQ
I like that album. “Details of the War” is a great opener.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0nm6LghwJc
I can’t believe this is till on the board. My twin 18-year olds LOVE this band. Yes, it’s more than a little disturbing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hP50WZuE0LI
I was gonna say Anybody who posts Alanis Morissette fucking dies but then I saw tWBS done did. Anyway, here is my offering:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLUX0y4EptA
Well, since SonOfSpam has become such a fan, this one goes out to him.
“First thing that I’m gonna do is disclose all those UFOs; put Jimi Hendrix on the $20 bill and Bill Hicks on the 5 note.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuphcpY5a5A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mIV6ADAnnk
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQJo-3DOaZA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtyERf3ZKlY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cdiY6kijYHE
Really, every title could be about Bob…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ec_V5hpZoqI
B-Real DOUBLE SHOT
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSTqiGV6gzY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMfwCxrnr4o
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGRnokznTF0
Fun fact: the name of this track is something Bob Kraft has ordered before
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBcJeDeYs0c
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRe5XOtNuM8
You what you can use your hands for…
To:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbXvaE39wM
And now for something completely different.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DkpaKx1UUUw
In honor of Marv Albert…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pHeAROucGc
Value pick
or
I mean cmon smdh
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jenWdylTtzs
I must bow to you for that one.
As long as you’re down there…
OK, don’t get freaky.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Omt49CUJ4p8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5dQOYe6yRY
Close enough DOUBLE SHOT
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03cMRqeeFkk
Her hands are small, so she won’t make Kraft feel like less of a man.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfsS3pIDBfw
Weezer’s was good too…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fR6SKLE8nZM
This might be a stretch, and I’m sure I’ll get “Duded” for this one. But it honestly is one of my favourites.
Lyrics…
Now feel free to give me shit SoS…but it’s a good song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5vyZeF_DLq4
“Handshakes are nothing but a total ‘fuck you!'”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czrMPdsf4Xg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6D1nK7q2i8I
Obligatory
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ex9NaA2hetg
The Darkness lead singer is a wonderful lunatic
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hI9eVW4cTR8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dESKtXMM30
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FA3R3K7uHM
Yes, I am old.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyaa5vv3yQk
Dude, I put up the Left Banke.
So you’re saying we can share a room at the retirement home?
Hobos! Life on the road!
Yes, with a “b”.
Uninteresting fact: I once purchased The Left Banke’s greatest hits.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IxuDAipNA5o
So…Walk Away Renee and, like, other stuff.
That may have been the name of the collection.
“Don’t touch me!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ta4T5H-ojaI
Dammit, if you don’t post the Clutch song, I might have to.
I certainly encourage you to.
Although this was an easy setup for a DOUBLE SHOT and I’m especially disappointed in Seamus for not queuing it up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmIqIVxUuKs
The Kraft masseuse theme song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUnSuYYs18
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjRO29_S2o0
Good band, good song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85rzVxd6TrI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yG07WSu7Q9w
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHjpWo4edfw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1Y9oOusoQs
Bob Kraft never said this. Ever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XcKBmdfpWs
Dammit.
I meant THIS ONE.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g_Qweq3BgJA
Ladies and Gentlemen….Mr. Conway Twitty.
(Yes I’m LMFAO’ing right now)
((I hope you get the reference))
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_LpnL-RLJrc
Truly this is one of the most cringe-worthy songs of all time.
I can’t disagree. But running Conway Twitty joke on Family Guy always cracks me up.
I actually like “Hello Darlin.”. Out of the 12,000 country/Western songs written from the perspective of a guy running into his old girlfriend and having a sad one-sided conversation, it may be the best.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkdWlkbGcbY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0SrxSMHDmE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhjSzibOIH4
Double Shot!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bfA3fhsSnk
Make it a triple
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJDzN4RrSt8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DI75HpMNEkw
I feel ill for posting a song of theirs, but time for a double shot. No Stevie, not a double shot of that powder over there.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E0sha1XfHxw
Perhaps Bob Kraft’s theme song…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhYllr-udNc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoW3bqnr7tw
Dude.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUjIY_XxF1g
The Producer has too much Kraft on his hands
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XcKBmdfpWs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trgtm5kx6ME
DJ 3000’s “laughter” light is killing me. Pervy Kraft is killing me. The Producer is about to have a bad time.
Thanks. I don’t normally flog my own jokes but that one had me chuckling while I was writing it. It would probably make for a delightful gif, if I knew how to make them.