Your “Welcome To Game 1! Only 266 More To Go” Thursday Night Football Open Thread

Jesus Bananacakes! I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I should welcome all you folks back from your non-self-imposed hiatus from the football. It’s nice to see you and my, that ‘no pants’ look really suits you. That chip dip stain on your wife beater should come out just fine, if ever you decide to do laundry again. Hey, I’m kidding. So yes, hello there all you swiggers, sidewalkers, ne’er do-weller’s, hellcats, harlots, schemers, backdoor men, railway cops, geezers, sneezers, dreamers, jive bombers, beard holders, machinists, taffy stretchers, Barbie dolls, tailpipe enthusiasts, shoe smellers, cis-goths, rhubarb lickers, Big Daddies, greasers and what have you.

I’d also like to give a shout-out to all the fellers that pitched in to make all that off-season content. (’cause I sure didn’t but I was very active in the comment section ) We learned quite a bit about soccer, cycling, tennis, golf, basketball, baseball and most importantly, each other. I mean, who knew that the mere presence of a 19 or 20 year-old competitor in the Women’s World Cup could so easily bring out the inner creep in all of us. Maybe some of us. Okay, a select few of us. Whatever, that’s in the past-we’re looking forward now. I’ll never forget you Becky…

Unlike the NFL. Did you hear it’s the 100th season of that little underdog league that morphed into the goliath that it is now? If not, you will and you will be sorry-at some point. My guess is that tonight there’ll be some Walter Payton shots accompanied by the delicate plucking of strings.

Enough of this. You know the drill. TO THE GAME!

Packers/Bears:

I don’t think I’m much wrong perspicating* that this tilt holds a fair bit of weight, even this early in the season. The Vikes as well as these guys will be jostling for position in a ‘should be’ competitive NFC North division all year long. I larfed a bunch when rook coach Matt Lafleur (no relation to Guy Lafleur) said that qb Rodgers would be ‘allowed’ to audible plays as though Mr. New Head Guy had any choice in the matter. The Chicago D is good but if you’re in a deep league and have 6′ 3″ Geronimo Allison, go ahead and play him. He’s up against 5′ 7″ slot corner Buster Skrine. Not only is Skrine small, he’s also lousy! Given that Bears te Burton is out your touchdown vulture tonight will be a certain Adam Shaheen. Prepare to shout his name to the heavens.

That’s it. Comment like you’ve commented before!

*perspicating is not a real word. Do not use in real-life situations unless trying to fuck with someone. Continued use of this ‘word’ may result in quizzical looks, disparaging comments behind your back, a sit-down with HR, divorce, indulging in necromancy and chronic back pain.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

This is a safe time to throw in laundry right?

...

THE VAG

Fronkenshteen

100 comments before kickoff? THAT’S GOOD HUSTLE!!!

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Somehow my Twitter trends include Jay Cutler lol

Redshirt

Five internet bucks says the Bears GM saw the tilde in Eddy Piñeiro’s name and assumed that he was good at soccer so he hired him as a kicker.

Spur

Did NBC throwback to SDTV TV too? NBC has a real shitty feed .

Sharkbait

God damnit. Apparently having issues posting gifs.

ITS HERE!!!

Spur

waving that flag is the most exercise those bear fans have had in months

JustStopDude

Throw back outfits huh… They gonna mention about how back in the day, a negro would get lynched for stepping in the stands, let alone take the field?

Brick Meathook

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How being on an open thread about a football game while I’m not watching football makes me feel:
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Spur

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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GREAT BIG FUCKIN’ FLAG TIME

King Hippo

Only Al had the self-awareness to be embarrassed by that bit.

Redshirt

There are times I regret that the Bengals didn’t win one of their Super Bowls against the 49ers. Then I see Collinsworth and remind myself that if the Bengals won one, Collinsworth would’ve been considered a World Champion. Then I feel glad they lost.

Gratliff

booooooooooooo

Spur

Da Bears vs. the Otter. The Otter has been coming out on top in these tussles lately

ballsofsteelandfury

FUCKING NEWSIES ON NBC!!

LemonJello

You have Roger Ailes interest.

Spur

i’m going with 3 hissy fits from Rodgers tonight.

King Hippo

Oh, that Spur again. BITCH, I will cut you and crank one out using your blood!

Viva La Tabula Raza

So, working from home tomorrow, so no 4 AM wakeup. Trying to decide between a pitcher of margarita or one of the medical edibles I smuggled back from Mass. The obvious answer would be “yes.” But I think it will have to be the drinks, since I can replenish the ingredients easily. Try and conserve the candies for the long NFL Sundays, since I am unsure of when my next visit up home will be.

Brick Meathook

Bluff City Law? Are you shittin’ me? Network TV is not even trying anymore.

herodotus450

Well they’re trying to make you think they’re trying.

King Hippo

I mean, who watches it anymore other than prison inmates?

Brick Meathook

It’s probably recycled plots from “The Young Lawyers,” but, you know, updated.

Spur

Bluff City lasts 3 episodes

Redshirt
Brick Meathook

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah real tough position for coach lafleur, does he let the best quarterback in the league do his thing, or does he pull a Mayock and blow up a talent for ego?

LemonJello

“Fuck that guy! I’m the real genius here !”
–31 other NFL coaches in unison

Spur

Folks

LemonJello

Something something restorative power of virgin period blood something.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s cool, Stephen Miller checked in on him regularly.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wooooooooooo

Gratliff

lol they’re gonna mash that fucking dump button during this song

King Hippo

I miss the days when rappers had actual style, and talked about important things like creating a river of white ppl blood.

Gratliff

That’s what Killer Mike’s for
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvVuEEPM3j0

King Hippo

oh, I do loves those dudes

Viva La Tabula Raza

If only….

Gratliff

GO BIRDS

SonOfSpam

THAT’S why you keep getting kicked out of Hitchcock festivals.

King Hippo

I said that to someone earlier today, but in support of the #BFIB. Feel sooooooo dirty!!

King Hippo

I soooooo enjoy looking through coverage maps, even though I almost exclusively RedZone

https://506sports.com/nfl.php?yr=2019&wk=1

SonOfSpam

I use that site to plan my Saturdays.

King Hippo

I can stream two JV matches while keeping one on the teevee box. I fear I am approaching the spectrum.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Okay, I am so far maintaining my pledge of no watching football (watching tennis instead) but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna skip out on the dick jokery.

Redshirt

Yesterday, I went on a YouTube walk of past Bengals games and I’ve learned a few things:

1. ESPN Patriots bias didn’t start in this century. I saw a recap for a Patriots-Bengals game from 1994. Per Chris Berman, the Patriots were destroying the Bumbling Bungals and any and all points Cincinnati scored was so rare, he was completely flabbergasted. If you look at the boxscore, the Patriots barely won a shootout in a battle against two 0-2 teams 31-28 and David Klingler (21-29-266-2-0) (DAVID KLINGLER!) outplayed Drew Bledsoe (30-50-365-1-2).

2. The early 90s Bengals offense had flashes of talent, but with no offensive line and no defense, poor David Klingler, Jay Schroeder, Donald Hollas, and Jeff Blake were running for their lives. Blake only survived the starter because he’s the only QB who can run. This may be a scary foreshadowing for this year’s team.

3. The Bengals really need to show off their stripeless throwback uniforms.

4. As always, my deal to Mike Brown for the Bengals to replace their orange shoulder shelf aways with their ’97-’02 away jersey and no question will be asked still stands.

King Hippo

I am in awe of your powers, perhaps the biggest masochist I have ever (imaginarily) known

Redshirt

I’ve learned to survive Bengals games by following the masters.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DcUkKltAidM

King Hippo

Ro-bot Roll Call! will always take me back to good childhood memories.

SonOfSpam

Is Seamus incommunicado because of the NC tornadoes? That would be not funny, but chuckle-worthy.

LemonJello

“Incommunicado? I didn’t know he was Catholic!”
-E. Smith

King Hippo

As of now, the local Fox affiliate (same ownership locally as NBC) is showing the footy coverage instead of the shit I could see on The Weather Channel if I gave half a fuck.

Viva La Tabula Raza

So it begins: my 61st trip around the sun and my 52nd season of Patriots fandom. Stopped off at the pro shop at Gillette during my visit to the ancestral homeland last month, needing to get some smaller shirts (lost 100 lbs. since my surgery in December, all my old high-dollar Pats/RedSox/Spurs polos now look like they were made by Omar the tent maker and some lucky fat homeless guy is going to benefit after I drop them at the Salvation Army); picked up a nice “6X World Champs” polo. Pats are now guaranteed a 7th SB this year (sorry, folks) just so my new shirt will be obsolete and I’ll have to buy another next year…

Anyway, greetings to y’all and I am glad to be back in the cyber-amniotic fluid of the DFO womb for another season.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Good on you for all of that except being a Pats and Red Sox fan

Viva La Tabula Raza

It’s a geographic/genetic thing. Even electric shock therapy made no observable difference, except this facial tic I have now.

Gratliff

Oh hey. George Wendt is somehow not dead yet.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Nor to my surprise is Betty White…

Porky Prime

FOOSBALL IS THE DEVIL!!!

LemonJello

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King Hippo

I am starting Bollo del Verdad in my money league (over Cam), leaning towards old troubadour Leonard Cohen over the likes of Beatie Mixon (bad line, brutal matchup) and Spanoi employee James Jackson.

Am I cray-cray? I mean, in these particulars?

SonOfSpam

1) Dats crazy
2) PPR league? Then maybe. But still no.
3) Justin Jackson would be better, as he exists.

King Hippo

I knew it was a JJ combo. FUCK, am I bad with names.

It is 0.8 PPR, my suggestion of same being the proudest moment of my life to date.

SonOfSpam

I’d start Cam and Mixon, but then I’m conservative when it comes to FFL. And gays. And blacks. But not gay blacks.

King Hippo

Black ppl can’t be GAY, silly!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Two snaps and a circle for THAT observation…

King Hippo

also, RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! has a very physical defense, and I want to see him show his foot and shoulder are truly healthy before I starts him. Charlotte is…not that forthcoming with injury information.

The Mixon thing is agonizing. My tiebreaker was that SeaTruthers will likely have the ball at least 35-40 minutes.

Redshirt

Mixon is a smart start. They are in Seattle. They will want to win the T.O.P. and silence the crowd. I don’t think it will happen, but that’s the plan at least.

Gratliff

I will never understand why it’s so hard to pick decent football music for preshows

Gratliff

That being said, I have some thoughts about Meghan Trainor’s legs.

King Hippo

do they lie??

SonOfSpam

“I EET LOTSA CHIPS”

Nope.

King Hippo

Thought that was Meghan McCain? Is that all Meghans? That superfluous “h” standing FOAR “husky?”

SonOfSpam

Her pre-fame name was Megham.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I always thought it was “Mega-Ham.”

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Let the record state that at the beginning of this Bears season that I called how it will end: Losing to the Eagles on a jaw dropping TRIPLE doink.

Unsurprised

This really does seem like where I get off. I hope the stadium is sucked into the center of the earth.

King Hippo

I like the footy. I missed the footy.

Senor Weaselo

IT’S HAPPENING! I mean, I’m teaching until 8 so not for me, but it is happening!

yeah right

Similar conundrum. In order to watch the game in it’s entirety I have to… stay even later at work tonight.

Greetings all you “in-season-only” folks. We missed you.

Try not to move out of the way next time.

JustStopDude

I think I finally get why people watch these stupid internet live streams…

https://twitter.com/ArsonArtist/status/1169304559128317953?s=19

ballsofsteelandfury

What a dumbass.

JustStopDude

I believe it’s actually from an Australia PSA about internet safety.

herodotus450

I can think of a couple more reasons
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Redshirt

No wonder Cap went back to the past to his old girlfriend. He didn’t miss her; he just didn’t want to die a virgin.

Dolph Ucker

I’m making chili.
I’ve been drinking for some time, not sure how long.
I just smoked a bowl right after I smoked a bowl because I forgot that I had already done that.
I believe I am ready for this.

LemonJello

Everybody! Let’s give Josh Gordon a warm, DFO welcome!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So basically you smoked two joints before you smoked two joints?

ballsofsteelandfury

My local NBC station is showing the national NBC News’ Dorian coverage.

Would they dare pull a Heidi for the stinkin’ hurricane?!?

SonOfSpam

Always welcome a nice Fleissabusse joke.

ballsofsteelandfury

/ looks to see if he’s referenced…

“Tailpipe enthusiasts”

Yup!

ballsofsteelandfury

Maybe?

PK

King Hippo

I would play the newbie tonight, that matchup with #ThePauls is trickier than one might think.

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