Your “Welcome To Game 1! Only 266 More To Go” Thursday Night Football Open Thread

Jesus Bananacakes! I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I should welcome all you folks back from your non-self-imposed hiatus from the football. It’s nice to see you and my, that ‘no pants’ look really suits you. That chip dip stain on your wife beater should come out just fine, if ever you decide to do laundry again. Hey, I’m kidding. So yes, hello there all you swiggers, sidewalkers, ne’er do-weller’s, hellcats, harlots, schemers, backdoor men, railway cops, geezers, sneezers, dreamers, jive bombers, beard holders, machinists, taffy stretchers, Barbie dolls, tailpipe enthusiasts, shoe smellers, cis-goths, rhubarb lickers, Big Daddies, greasers and what have you.

I’d also like to give a shout-out to all the fellers that pitched in to make all that off-season content. (’cause I sure didn’t but I was very active in the comment section ) We learned quite a bit about soccer, cycling, tennis, golf, basketball, baseball and most importantly, each other. I mean, who knew that the mere presence of a 19 or 20 year-old competitor in the Women’s World Cup could so easily bring out the inner creep in all of us. Maybe some of us. Okay, a select few of us. Whatever, that’s in the past-we’re looking forward now. I’ll never forget you Becky…

Unlike the NFL. Did you hear it’s the 100th season of that little underdog league that morphed into the goliath that it is now? If not, you will and you will be sorry-at some point. My guess is that tonight there’ll be some Walter Payton shots accompanied by the delicate plucking of strings.

Enough of this. You know the drill. TO THE GAME!

Packers/Bears:

I don’t think I’m much wrong perspicating* that this tilt holds a fair bit of weight, even this early in the season. The Vikes as well as these guys will be jostling for position in a ‘should be’ competitive NFC North division all year long. I larfed a bunch when rook coach Matt Lafleur (no relation to Guy Lafleur) said that qb Rodgers would be ‘allowed’ to audible plays as though Mr. New Head Guy had any choice in the matter. The Chicago D is good but if you’re in a deep league and have 6′ 3″ Geronimo Allison, go ahead and play him. He’s up against 5′ 7″ slot corner Buster Skrine. Not only is Skrine small, he’s also lousy! Given that Bears te Burton is out your touchdown vulture tonight will be a certain Adam Shaheen. Prepare to shout his name to the heavens.

That’s it. Comment like you’ve commented before!

*perspicating is not a real word. Do not use in real-life situations unless trying to fuck with someone. Continued use of this ‘word’ may result in quizzical looks, disparaging comments behind your back, a sit-down with HR, divorce, indulging in necromancy and chronic back pain.

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Beerguyrob

So TCM is showing Goldfinger, Thunderball and You Only Live Twice?

/pants off

SonOfSpam

Original “It” miniseries is on SyFy channel. Also, more importantly, I don’t have the remote.

yeah right

I record the game, stay at work late with the SPECIFIC reason to see every play and then?

ballsofsteelandfury

Clearly that was a bad idea.

SonOfSpam

Yeesh, sorry man.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

“Bitch, you knew I was a snake.”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

I didn’t watch the game but I did watch Mr Rodgers and his sinewy haunches dancing all over Soldier Field! Buddy hasn’t come that hard watching a sporting event since Devon White forgot to wear a cup in the ’93 World Series!

SonOfSpam

You get the plus one for the Devo reference. The man could play a mean center field and fill out a pair of pants.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Oh, sweet merciful crap. NBC is run by Satan.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Not gonna lie, the intercepted bit was funny

Senor Weaselo

Hey people who play it, thoughts of Sans skin in Smash?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

I love Fore Skin when I smash!

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Duchess

Guys Stephen Colbert sucks at impersonations and monologues hasvanyone told him this yet?

Senor Weaselo

BRING BACK CRAIG!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Only if Craig Ferguson gets the 11:35 slot. For 90 minutes to 2 hours. With co-host Kristen Bell.

Senor Weaselo

I’d just be worried that it would be like Conan when he got the Tonight Show for those 5 minutes. It was Conan, but it was a toned down, tame Conan.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Good point.

Doktor Zymm

Wow, I wasn’t actually awake for most of the ABC Murders ep. 2 when I watched it on the plane

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I finally stop reading Twitter so I missed making this earlier.

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

TAKE THAT, GOD!

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Is from Kevin Sorbo’s antifa Red Dawn movie?

Horatio Cornblower

I might have to watch that. It seems to have the potential to be legendarily bad.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Yes

Brocky

Reminder that green bay holds every fucking game:

https://youtu.be/VKzcfrriEME

Brocky

/not at all bitter

/dick joke

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Brocky

pulls out bowie knife

You got something to say?

Brocky

I just realized that sounded a lot more threatening than i planned. I apologize for that

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’m trying to be less of an asshole and also respect the call from last season to stop making lazy Rodgers sexuality jokes.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

I’m gonna go wander the wilderness for a couple of days and come up with some more oddball porn search terms for Balls.

Spur
Spur

wild Tang

Spur
Spur

unkempt merkin

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ballsack full of coins

ballsofsteelandfury

Please do!

yeah right

A Fistful of Balls!

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Fuck, we gotta put up with AL and CRIS again in less than a week. Again, FUCK.

Doktor Zymm

The fuck? Why are we spending NFL money (even post-shitty game NFL money) paying for TV advertising to promote Facebook Groups?! My company blows

Senor Weaselo

And now, Zymm sounds off on Facebook Dating!

Doktor Zymm

I’m pretty sure they’re responsible for less good than usual desserts this week.

Brocky

Trubisky was all over the place tonight, but made some bomb ass throws.

Fuck Anyone tomorrow who tries to convince me he’s on par with nate peterman. Tonight was on the oline, nagys calling (not one rush attempt by cohen), and these fucking refs

I’ve seen worse performances by better quarterbacks and i don’t remember them getting shit on the way trubisky is tonight

Doktor Zymm

He’s better at throwing, but worse at writing pithy blurbs to appeal to his target audience

Horatio Cornblower

ESPN2 is showing ‘A History Of SEC Football:1869-1932″ if anyone thought things couldn’t get any whiter.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show!

‘Specially Excluding Coloreds

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Bravo

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Fin du match. Score final : 10-3. Première défaite de la saison. Je suis vraiment dégouté. On offre un match horrible pour une confrontation aussi historique. Bravo @packers_fr on vous l'accorde celle la.

— Chicago Bears France (@chicagobearsfr) September 6, 2019

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js
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I want to meet the Francophone who runs this account. They seem cool.

Duchess

I like the Bears i really do and I dont know why. i swear the last time i have actually seen them win a game was the NFC championship against the Saints in 07

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Very happy I passed on seeing them play live against the Lions on Thanksgiving

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Horatio Cornblower

1037 comments. Nice work everyone.
/slaps everyone’s ass, HARD
//spends next two days in HR

Duchess

I think legally we now have 45 days to put our comments in a new like kind blog post or risk losing our tax break

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

MY TWELVE DOLLARS! NO!!!!

Dolph Ucker
Dolph Ucker

Bears still suck.
I have seen the future of football. And it sure as fuck ain’t Truth Biccy.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

It’s worse.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I heard that Bluff City Law just got cancelled

Dunstan
Dunstan

I’m only watching it if they have Jimmy Smits’ character be Victor Sifuentes.

The Maestro

We’re literally one game into the 2019 NFL season and I’ve already fucked up my NFL Tipping.

At least I’m still alive in the Suicide Pool? For now, at least…

litre_cola

Spam, Whyeagleswhy, and kinginyellow? got it right. You good.

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Horatio Cornblower

If there’s one thing I’m proud of as an attorney it’s that I’ve convinced my kids to pursue virtually any career other than the law.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Good man

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“Law school? lol no. I’m becoming a podcaster!”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Welp, fuck this shit

Sharkbait

Well… That was a big pile of shit.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I like that Nagy’s playcard says “BE YOU”. Next weeks should probably read “BE SOMEONE ELSE”

Dunstan
Dunstan

Here’s a bunch of diagrams that tell you exactly where you must be. Now, go express your individuality!

Doktor Zymm

I’m pretty sure there’s an intern that finds short pithy phrases to fill in the white space on the play card, and also sizes the fonts correctly and adds the passive-aggressive punctuation

Dick E. Phuck
Dick E. Phuck

Ended like a wet fart after eating a Wendy’s baconator.

Doktor Zymm

Aw, I missed hating football

Horatio Cornblower

My son just came in and said “this isn’t an actual game is it?” and when I said that yes, in fact it was the first game of the NFL’s 100th season he paused and said “well that’s not good”

litre_cola

This is banner material.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

There’s been so much tonight.

Spur
Spur

The Bears have no offense. Fuck you Rodgers! Eat a hairy Pussy! comment image

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