So we enter into the 8th week of the NFL season and the Ravens are…I’m not too sure of what we are.

Lamar Jackson’s an MVP! No, he’s a running back! No, he needs to learn how to pass! Good Christ I’m fucking tired of how every second of every day there has to be hype, a new flavor, a new trend. Fuck this shitting world.

I like Lamar, it’s a refreshing change of pace from Flacco – a guy who can run, a guy who knows when to dump the ball, a guy who doesn’t look like a muppet. Lamar has a lot to learn, if not he’s going to get decapitated by a linebacker in berserker mode. I keep holding my breath to see if this is just a fluke or if the kid has IT. Time will tell, I guess.

Anyway, enough about why I fucking hate the world. Let’s get back to the Ravens. Our defense sucks donkey dick. Line up four receivers, let them go, and there will be more balls flying through the air than at a San Francisco bathhouse in the 1970s. And no, I’m not a homophobe, I just like bad jokes.

Our tight ends, well they’re a bunch of hulking brutes who enjoy demolishing anyone in their way, maybe they catch a ball now and then. Maybe. While we’re at it, this stupid fucking practice of leaping over tacklers is annoying. Someone is going to get their femurs fractured like a breadstick sitting on Rosie O’Donnell’s table.

Mark Andrews. Well, he’s so far in the doghouse now he’s going to need binoculars to see the field. Not sure if anyone saw the game but by Christ was that the worst case of the yips.

And also, Earl Thomas is a complete waste of money. Get back to me when he actually does something besides give up on a play. “The Ravens defense is more complicated.” Really? Last I checked you’re a professional, which means you know your craft, which means you can make adjustments and you know, learn. Quickly.

Despite all of this negativity, rare for me, I know. I’m thinking they can win the AFC North, and then probably lose in KC. If that happens you can say goodbye to Harbs Bisciotti ain’t gonna have it no more.

Who will we hire? Hell if I know. Maybe Ed Reed. Could you imagine Hobo Ed on the sidelines, looking for a half eaten cheeseburger, and feeding the pigeons? I’m thinking that’s a prime time move.

And that’s the way the crabcake turns in Baltimore. We finish 9-7, stumble in the playoffs, get blown up and face a long, grey murder filled winter. Fuck me.