Let’s Win ‘Em All By 2! Seahawks 2019 Bye Week Update

This year, as every year, began with the stilted bleatings of “experts” and “pundits” and their ilk trumpeting doomsday calls for the woeful and inadequate Seahawks draft, team, and season.

Yet again our common dullards, simple waterheads, and stunted dunces were pitifully mistaken. Their childlike lack of foresight overshadowed only by the ignorance of their own repeated failures on the identical matter in years prior.

I laugh in their painted faces. Powdered and drawn they are for the titillation of the braying masses splayed on their Swedish discount furniture. These barnyard swindlers and sewer grate prophets will not sway me. I know of their masters; ancient, bent and gaunt, consumed as they are by the siren call of the big market advertiser’s dollar.

These barren souls – charlatans all – care not for coaching prowess nor scheme fit. For these wretched and misguided scum all is lost in the insatiable quest for content and views and other internet bullshit. And they shall be grateful for their irrelevance for they are perennially grading the Seahawks draft as a failure. If their turgid analysis mattered at all they’d be wringing soup out of their donated underwear in the bathroom of a Wendy’s.

The California dilettantes, ruddy-faced Midwest rubes and slack-jawed backwood yokels utter curses and disgust toward their teams. Untrusting, disdainful. Bracing for the inevitable failed comeback or cowed wilting of resistance, they claim to welcome ineptitude as their salve. So inured to the searing of failure, they yearn for it as a hanged man begs forth death.

Nay, says I. Nay! I will not lose hope. I have known the pain of the damned. I have felt my eyeballs gouged and my dreams blackened by the Kitna and the Jackson years. I was cast adrift, bereft of meaning or direction, by the coach who shall not be named. I will not wither in worry over the security of my fortune now, then, when it has been so ably earned. I believe. I believe in Russell, and in Pete, and in the ethos; compete.

Russell should be the league MVP. People are always talking about a new type of QB. As if all the guys who’ve ever been great were 6’5” 230 lb pocket passers. Sure, Manning, Brady, Marino, etc. are the prototype and that’s just because those kinds of guys have been successful as well as durable vs. the fellas who can run. But to act as if there haven’t been the Staubachs, Youngs, and Moons right there with them is ridiculous. There’s always a rush to name the newest best guy the Next Breed of prototype but Wilson has been that guy for years, albeit a tad shy in height. Accuracy, arm strength, intelligence, work ethic, mobility, speed, toughness. He’s got it all. To do it at such a consistently high level all while being one of the shortest in the league is astounding and, indeed, most valuable.

Non-Wilson Offensive MVP: Lockett

Non-Wagner Defensive MVP: Clowney

Offensive Rookie: Metcalf

Defensive Rookie: Blair

Offensive Lineman: Brown

Defensive Lineman: Ford

Breakout Season: Hollister

Piss in my Froot Loops: Dissly’s promising season cut short by injury again.

So here we are at 8-2, just back of San Franciso at 9-1 in the NFC West. Pretty good year so far for the ‘Hawks. The Diggs pickup was big. They needed help at safety so why not toss in a Pro Bowler? Reed and Clowney are getting going and there have been some nice contributions from the other guys on the D line, too. The O line is still big and can maul when they’re on their game. It does hurt to lose Britt and Dissly but other than that this team is pretty healthy. Tough schedule from here on but they’re right where they need to be to compete for the division title.

Seattle has the Eagles (pushovers) this Sunday in Philadelphia, then the Vikings at home (another shanked Minny kick to seal the win), followed by road dates with two teams who seem to be crumbling right now in the Rams (dummy for a QB) and Panthers (should be hopeless for them at this point). They finish up the year in the division with the Cardinals and then the 49ers.

The Seahawks are going to need 12 wins at least to get the division crown and maybe that many just for a wild card spot in the NFC. I, like all the pink-cheeked dandies on the television football programs, expect the NFC West to come down to that last game at home against the ‘Niners. Not to spoil it, but Russ will also decisively win the MVP award on that glory-soaked Sunday afternoon.