Welcome to “Cold November Rain” recapping.  The quality of the FITBAW was weather appropriate.

[Hippo-To-English subtitles provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Rev. E. Mayhem presiding]

Hearty congrats to Rev. Mayhem [Woo!] for winning [WOOOO!] the Derby against me (and Moose, make it snow, Mistborn, etc.). [Suck it, Samwise! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!] Denver was just a shitshow offensively, and were pretty lucky not to get shut out.  Dropped some pickerceptions, but BUF was clearly the superior side, as the 20-3 final attests.  [Actually, Denver is somewhat closer to respectable than this game suggested- they just ran into Buffalo on the week they finally played a complete game the way the team was built]. With this win, I deem the Bills playoff-bound. [Watch us blow it against the Jests in Week 17]. They’d even have a shot against the Tits or Humps in Round 1. [Tits and Humps are two of Bills fans’ favorite things!]

Saints hosed on a crucial DPI call? [JFC, get over it you gumbo-chomping pansy bitches]. THIS TIME, it came courtesy of a Riverboat Challenge flag.  But for a change, it ended up in NO’s favour.  Instead of kicking a 21-yard FG, it ended up being Slye from 29…and he praised SHANK’LOR [Blessed be she, in the Name of Saint Suzy] (after missing 2 extra points earlier in the game).  Lionel Hutz [Saints kicker Will Lutz. /pours one out for Phil Hartman anyway] snuck it inside the right upright for the win like 8 plays later, 34-31 Saints.  That will effectively end the season for teh Black Panthers.  #FreeHuey [Lewis? What about the News?]

This just in – Dwayne Haskins is a moe-ron, and a very ineffective NFL quartered back (13 of 29, 156, a pick, lost fumble, and 3 sacks).  But that is a WINNING line, because the Matt Patricia Cuck Liouns are just that shitty.  19-16, and the less said about the offenses in this game, the better. [Losing to this year’s Redacteds should be grounds for immediate sideline execution]

RedZone brought us the heartwarming story of Rapey Jameis apparently being buds with…Billie Jean King?  I give up trying to understand you, world. [She was also on the board of Phillip Morris, so maybe she has a thing for sociopaths?] Team MRSA did throw a pass to their nose tackle, resulting in the Fattest Guy TD I have seen (since Fridge played tailback).  That was kind of beautiful. [NAN DESU KA!?!?] Official time of death for the Falcons’ Prague Spring?  TWO WEEKS.  35-22 home loss it is.  Yikes.  If you have Chris Godwin on your fantasy team, you won.  No score checks necessary.

Clash of teh Birds was some derpy-ass shit. [Truther Truth] It will cost Russell Wilson some MVP votes, though it was mostly wind and bad WR play (drops) at work. [Lies- Ciara gave it up Saturday night and drained his Life Essence] Dakota Jeebus [Carson Wentz], though?  He was a garbage salad, and that has to concern the home crowd.  SeaTruthers give up a garbage time TD, but prevailed 17-9.  Good day to bet some unders.

Naturally, Gruden’s Grinders [Raiders] went to the Jersey pines…and got blown out 34-3.  Sam Darnold remained [?] competent, and a defensing unit appeared out of nowhere to help.  If you have Josh Jacobs on your fantasy squadron (like me), you lost.  Even if your opponent wasn’t trying, and had only 6 of 9 active players.  [Niiiice. The 6 of 9 part, not the losing part]  FUCKING FUCK.  Beloved Giraffe Mike Glennon got to play, and fumbled TWICE over the course of THREE SNAPS.  Way to showcase yourselves, late November Shitty Wolves. [NC State Wolfpack. whose alumni are numerous amongst NFL quarterbacks but have been a bit…uneven…of late]

MOAR Darkest Timeline [were there any doubts?]- the Yinzers [Pittsburgh] would make the playoffs as of this writing. Coach Epps [Mike Tomlin looks exactly like Omar Epps- it’s actually really creepy] benched a monstrously ineffective (and raycess) Mason Rudolph.  Duck caller guy [Devlin Hodges, who won the 2009 Junior World Duck Calling Contest at 13] got lucky on a prayer shot long TD, and Ryan Finley sucked so bad that was all PIT needed.  16-10, and Cincy has a real shot to lose out.  Beatie Mixon did his best imitation of Barry Sanders, meastly efforts [/pours one out for KSK] to absolutely no avail.  Don’t take a job with Mike Brown, y’all. [Ultimate Truth]

Fuck you Dolphin! [self-explanatory] actually made #ThePauls [Browns] sweat, despite spotting the home team a 28-zip lead.  BloodSugarFitzMagic [Ryan Fitzpatrick, who went to Hahvahd] led his side to the next 17, before the Q4 wheels fell completely off.  41-24 was a fair reflection of the calibre [what is this, Canada?] of play on the pitch.  BLECH.  Potential race riot with the Yinzers is on deck!

Bollo del Verdad [Biscuit of Truth, Mitch Trubisky] was still awful (6.8 YPA, 2 horrid picks), but awful-against-Los-Gigantes was enough to squeeze out a 19-14 win.  Danny Dimes [Daniel Jones, who went to Dook] can has fumble yet again.  Knock me over with a feather.  [Kiiiinky]  Chi****’s defense should be making hazard pay, given the share of the load they’s asked to carry.  And 5-6 is still ded in the more competitive NFC.

Erotic Smashmouth [Titans. Also: kiiinky] gave us some #MaximumTractorcito [Derrick Henry]- despite a holding BLEERGH [flag] denying Mister Henry in the first quarter.  They went on to beat the absolute tar shit out of the Jaguras.  Apparently the water in that disgusting pool is cold enough the shrink the Biggest of Dicks [Nick Foles- do your own research].  I appreciated the drop onside kick attempt, as futile as it was.  42-20, huzzah for garbage time points!

Thanks to the infinite “wisdom” of the Gingerballs Hammer [Roger Goodell], we had only P*ts [Booooo!] hosting Non-Gendered Cowpersons [also Boooo!] to RedZone adjacent to the AFC South snuff film.  One feels dirty cheering for Jerral’s squadron, but consider the alternative [a fulfilling day of personally-improving activities?]. We had bad weather, but not enough for snow or sleet.  Because why should anything be fun?  DAL’s defensing unit really showed up big, but in this best coaching jerb of Belicheat’s career? [Did he finally manage to implant a mind-control chip in the opposing coach’s skull?] Not enough, 13-9 is your final.  Tyron Smith had a ‘mare, or was determined to honour BLEERGH.  YMMV.

At least we have an excellent SNF matchup to look forward to…RIGHT?  Janeane v. A.A. Ron. [It was a laugher. In a not-terribly-funny way. Weep for the Wild Card Round]