The only good thing the state of Alabama has is football and now they don’t even have that. So, Crimson Tide fans, cram that loss up that MAGA ballcap, go back to your hovel and throw a Saban-like tantrum in front of your haven’t-bathed-in-weeks kids. Don’t forget to slap your cousin-wife for good measure. It’s her fault she looked at you funny again, right?

TO THE GAMES!

Jets/Bengals:

I’m streaming Darnold for this one because I’m frightened and confused. And also because since week 10 he’s been QB3 in fantasyland. There’s much to criticize about Adam Gase but the state of the Jets D is not among them. It has slowly become a very solid unit that is very to run against.

Titans/Colts:

Speaking of robust run D’s, Indy has one. But the sheer mass of Derrick Henry has a way of changing defender’s minds and defense’s stat lines. T.Y. is out so the Colts have to employ the remaining members of their “Bring Out Your Dead” receiving corpse.

Eagles/Fins:

Jordan Howard is done for this week so Miles “And Miles” Sanders is in a potential smash spot against a Miami D that gives up 130 yds. per game to rb’s.

Packers/Giants:

Does anyone remember when Janoris Jenkins was a lockdown corner? I do. It was way back in aught ’16. We were so young and foolish back then. We made tons of mistakes but we learned from them and we had such fun along the way…

Browns/Steelers:

Chubb and Snell should get all kinds of work today and I’m going to give the edge to the rook because Pitt’s D has been gangbusters Minkah came to town.

Potato Skins/Panthers:

Play McCaffrey. [wipes hands on shirt] There. Done.

Bucs/Jags:

Good Lord! Here’s a stat for you-11 times Tampa has played against a wr that averages 12+ fantasy points. Those 11 players have gone off for a collective average of 26 points. Btw, D.J. Chark and his 17.2 mark are salivating at the moment.

Niners/Ravens:

This is the reason so many of us are tuning in, right? I wouldn’t mind seeing this tilt again in early February either.

Hit me with your best words!