In honor of bears, here is a top 5 count down of the best Bears to ever live:
Coming in at number 5, Jay Cutler. Not because of his game play. But because of his presence on and off the field. How many modern QBs have you seen with a cigarette hanging from his mouth? Not many. He had that apathetic face down to go with that cigarette dangling from his lip. That face defined his career. His eventual marriage to Kristin Cavalarri (whose name I don’t even want to google for spelling, because she is terrible), a D-List TV actress, was just a symptom of who he really is.
https://youtu.be/XsMGlHtVV9o
At number 4 on our countdown, Yogi Bear. No one loved pic-a-nic baskets, Booboo, the way he did. And he was always getting over on that park ranger. Gosh, that bear was swell!
Blasting through your screen and your hearts at number 3 is Ben. Adopted by Grizzly Adams, Ben and Grizzly got into something each week. The show ran for 2 glorious seasons, giving us such heart-warming things like bear hugs. It might have been based on a book or something. I don’t know. As Cutler would say, “Don’t care.” Books suck.
Football is the key focus here at number 2 (the best number every morning, after lunch, when I get home, and before bed) with Bear Pascoe. Coming out of the mighty FRESNO STATE in the 2009 draft, Bear earned his SB ring with the NY Giants when they beat the Pats, where Bear had 4 catches for 33 yards. These days, Bear has gone back to his roots of wrestling steers at Rodeos. He’s one tough hombre.
Ladies and gentlemen, in my hand I hold this envelop with the winner of our countdown. The votes were counted and verified by the accounting firm of Howard, Fine, and Howard. Here to open the envelope is our dear friend Leonardo DiCRAPio!
LD: What? I fucking hate bears! Do you know what that bear did to me?!
Me: Well, you deserved it. Just read the envelope before I punch you in the mouth, Gilbert Grape.
LD: And the winner is… barebacking?
Me: Great! I couldn’t agree more.
Onto the game.
We have the shitty Bears who are allergic to offense and a Cowboys team that isn’t good at defense. The way to make this game good? Only have the Cowboys offense on the field and the Bears defense on the field. Really, that is where the game is going to be decided anyway. Mack and Dak head to head. Can’t get any better than that.
I’m so disgusted with this game I don’t want to talk about it anymore. But, please, feel free to talk about it yourselves down below.
I wish a home team that is winning would play Time Is On My Side by the Stones in the 4th quarter, well at least not tonight because I am sure the Bears will fuck this up.
Jerrah is going to be running for the shelter of his “mother’s little helper” (Johnny Walker Blue Label and hooker handjob) after this game.
Too little too late, but that was a great throw
It really was.
Too bad about all those missed short throws in the flat earlier.
Now we get to see Bill Maher fuck up an onside kick!
How is your Dak boner this evening?
could cut through…some really brittle Play-Doh?
/relieved my DAK! fantasy team has bye this week
Mitch’ss cleats are for a non profit that helps.strippers change out thier implants.
This is a nice game.
Not near as nice as the P*ts losing.
But still.
The build up to a P*ts playoff lose is also nice.
I’m hosting a watch party for the KC game on Sunday, me and another NE fan as well as a couple of KC fans (both of whom work for me and other NE fan as contractors). Should be an interesting thing. I told the KC fans that if they need to get drunk when their team gets it’s ass kicked, there are three spare bedrooms all with clean sheets.
Clean sheets? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Come over and spend the weekend some time and I will show you.
Double roofied; nobody has fun.
That’s actually the perfect Joe Buck hair style.
I saw Joe Buck drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s
And his hair was perfect!
This is almost as good as seeing the Bills beat the Boyz.
Really enjoying Troy Aikman just shitting all over the Cowboys.
Listen, I used to root for the Whalers: I’ve seen some teams just give up and start mailing it in after realizing that there’s nothing to be gained by playing very hard, but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a team just completely collapse the way the Cowboys have over the last 3-4 weeks. They’ve been simply horrible, and it’s been oddly fascinating to watch.
pump some Brass Bonanza into JerralWorld!
I’d rather pump some carbon monoxide into his suite.
Friend of mine put it best tonight “Jerry Jones would rather not win a Super Bowl than win one with someone else as the GM.”
Which means Dallas isn’t going to be winning one so long as Ol’ Double J is on this side of the dirt.
I feel bad for you Cowboys fans… At worst Dak is 125 yards and 1 TD 1 int and at best he’s throwing for 175 yards 2TDS and 1int
And then he does that.
It’s maddening. He was lights out at the beginning of the year, even managed to continue to put up some good stats as the season started to go to hell. But he’s been just as bad as the rest of them this year, with some really, really poor decision making of late.
Why, if I didn’t know any better I’d think the Cowboys as a whole were just tired of Garret and not willing to really try for such an obviously lame duck.
My Asperger’s nephew is getting his PhD at UConn medical facility there, but he doesn’t give a fuck about the Whalers, or organized sports at all for that matter. But he’s a weirdo Asperger’s person.
Well, unless he’s been working on his PhD since ’96 he’d really have no reason to.
I think he was about 6 or 7 that year, so yeah you are correct.
I think there is a small chance that Troy no longer remembers he played for the Cowboys.
— Trent Green
Or at all, for that matter.
Gonna hafta dig deeper than that for a winning coach.
Gotta keep the coke shoot clean… Just ask Artie Lange
Pick me a winner, skinner! Go for green, the yellow ones have a higher calorie and carb count.
Today’s quick BattleBots Beat: Notable changes to the rulebook.
1. Minibots can’t have an active weapon, and you can only have one per fight (Addendum: Yes, you can have two similar-weight robots a la Gemini where both have weapons)
II. They’re pissed off at Free Shipping to the point that the 4 foot flame length is in any direction.
Three. Weapon weight limits: 80 lbs. to bars and disks (sorry Deep Six), 120 for shells
iv. New rules on lifters and flippers (lifters have to be able to lift a robot 12 inches, flippers must get 2 feet of air)
E. Walker bonus returns, including a 100% bonus (500 lbs.) for traditional walkers. (Less for shufflers/others, per discretion). BRING BACK MECHADON!
Troy is gonna hold his breath until the Non-Gendereds DUE BETTER
wait, the Redacteds could still theoretically win the Least, yeah?
Indeed.
sheeeeeit, I kinda want them to go into Week 17 thinking they have a chance. Because DAL and PHI are both 6-8-1
Man, this game.
Looks like Princeton boy is feeling the heat with going for it on all these 4th downs.
Womp womp.
Beating the empty husk of the eagles was Dallas’ super bowl
have they won since?
Nope. They fell off a cliff immediately
Christ, I’ve seen tougher Cowboys in Village People cover bands.
Do you have an address or should i just check the local YMCA ? – Rodgers
Well, they want to be a macho, macho man.
Now he’s just being cocky
Is Rod gunning for Jason’s job?
I love everything about this game except the sneaking suspicion the Bears might still figure out a way to blow it somehow.
They are the Bearistocrats
Also in No One Cares News, Dak and Amari were keystones of my #1 playoff seed fantasy team. GREAT SEASON YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES.
You should have this week off? EIGHT TEAMS IN THE PLAYOFFS IS SOME BULLSHIT
Dude my fantasy commissioner is kind of an idiot. He didn’t even set the flex position for tight end eligibility and I had Mark Andrews backing Kelce and WR trouble all year.
feed him to the pigs (see below)
Lol witten screaming. Shut up, dad
“OK boomer”
all this and Dallas will still make the Playoffs.
Troy is losing his shit about the Cowboys performance almost as bad as Trump is losing his shit about the impeachment.
Someone even happier than us
?w=1000&h=600&crop=1
I wonder how many times a month an increasingly discombobulated Jerral still calls him in the middle of the night for a beration session?
Masturberation? When you berate someone when you are all alone?
Or catholic self “pleasure.”
The theory me and my friend have come up with is that the roster expected Garrett to be fired after last week, and now have said fuck it completely.
That explains how Everton performed on Wednesday, too
Can’t tell if Truth Bizcut is doing a good or if Dallas is this bad.
80% the latter
Titties are back on the menu
I am thinking Garrett may not even make it back to the locker room before he is fired.
Shot.
Double J only likes hunt poor people on his island in South Sea
Maybe he’ll just get on a Southwest flight to New York and not even bother heading back to DFW.
HOLY SHIT THAT WAS THE QB
Excelsior!
Trubisky owes Robinson a dozen brain cells
there were what 4 guys on Robinson? And nobody looked for the ball
I ask myself the same thing whenever my kids wake me up….
I want to hire the Andy Frain Security Service, a private army.
that was less then ideal for Dallas
Kickers–they’re just like us!
I have the decency to call in sick when I’m that hungover
Alexa, tell Jerral how to turn a placekicker into dog food?
You’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, “as greedy as a pig”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyEBXTL1Y3U
u see, I always larn sommet at DFO
DFO is not only entertaining, it’s educational!!!
How does he have a job?
Kneepads and a gloryhole on JerrForceOne?
At least Zeke is fighting. (and only with other men too!)
What the fuck is that horrid buzzing/reverb sound they keep playing in the stadium? It sounds even worse than Joe Buck
Vuvuzela?
This touchdown has been brought to you by the nfl reffing commission
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwlYo8EYTWI
Buffalo don’t play ’till Sunday, silly goose
THIS GALLUP I CALL HIM GALLUP POLLS BECAUSE HE’S UP AND DOWN AND NO ONE REALLY UNDERSTANDS WHAT’S GOING ON BUT HE’S RUINING AMERICA
Only way Garrett could upset Jerrah more is by calling for a Wealth Tax on every play