Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears, for I have come to bury the Jets, not to praise them one damn bit. That’s exactly what you should be hearing in your head at this moment. Not one person believes this Jets team is good enough to win. The last game they played was against the Dolphins. Neither team wanted to win, except for the kickers, because kickers are like the white crayon in a box of crayons: No one cares about it.
This should be a blowout. Hold on one second. Let me check the spread.
*googles*
Only 14.5? That seems ridiculous. Makes me think RG3 is going to be getting some playing time this week. The problem is that Lamar, Mr. Jackson if you are nasty, is only slightly injured. He’s still practicing this week.
But, I’m not just going to make wild assumptions. The Ravens are 1st in offense in the league. The Jets are 31st. The Ravens are consistent in putting up top tier ground yards and quality defense. The Jets are the Jets. The Ravens have a QB that is going to break a run record for a season at the QB position. The Jets have a QB carrying mono, presumably from kissing too many street performers in Times Square.
Those are just facts, people. Some things are very hard to deny.
As a friendly reminder to those of you who like to read things, Christmas is just, uh, so many days away. You only have so many days to buy me a gift. Get out there and buy me things. I like expensive things, like meats, cheeses, ramen, gift certificates to restaurants, fruit snacks, pretzels, and candy. Basically anything I can put in my mouth.
Leave your gift ideas for me down in the comment section, or anything you feel like talking about. I’m here to listen, friend.
(four hours later)
“Encroachment, Defense. 5 nanometer penalty. Still 2nd down.”
“We now go to our calculus expert, Sir Isaac Newton….”
“Hey! Fuck you!”
—Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz
For the record, I have not performed in the street, which is why I’m not posted here.
I have however now performed on viola in concert, so that’s a thing that happened.
yeeeewwwwww betrayed yer FIDDLE!!!
He understood it was for one piece and it makes me look good learning the instrument in a month. Alto clef’s a bitch.
/The violin’s name is Hidalgo. Yes, after the horse.
Their offense is pretty fucking effortless right now.
Do the Pats not have access to cheap Chinese electronics? They should never get caught.
Three weeks from today I go in for excess skin removal (panniculectomy/abdominoplasty) surgery. The surgeon estimates 15-20 lbs worth. I’m scared shitless, but it’ll be nice to be able to run and jump without the front porch flopping all over the place.
The six week recovery is something I’m not looking forward to, however.
What you gonna make out of the skin?? Elaborate macrame?
See my vest, see my vest
genuine Duke LaCross chest…
“I’d fuck me haaard.”
The receptionist at the surgeon’s office was a little non-plussed by my lampshade joke when I was booking the operation.
ah mean, is JUST PRACTICAL
Was her name maybe Epstein, or Schwarz? Might be a factor.
Best of luck, my formerly rotund friend. I hope to get to the place you’re at someday soon.
How much did you lose?
260 lbs. if I was an inch shorter, I’d have been round.
Good luck, mah dude.
Thank you sir.
Are they donating it to any burn units? Not sure if useable for skin grafts or not.
That’s a great question, I’ll have to ask. If that’s a thing, I’d happily donate it.
You might be able to develop some strange story lines/plots to sell to Stephen King based upon this idea.
When I was much younger my friend was in ten hospital with a room near the pediatric burn unit and the pediatric oncology ward. That was when I became an atheist, plus why I give to Shriner”s and St. Judas.
so…same goddamned dinky scoring pass to the same goddamned TE. Just took an extra hour or so.
Zeno’s ears are perking up.
So I had the surgery, and am now home. It looks like there is a 6″ centipede on my foot.
Very difficult getting around the house, getting used to it though. I’ve had at least 5 unsolicited offers from various friends to bring anything by that I need, so I don’t guess I’m going to die from neglect. Home Health visit tomorrow to make suggestions for accessibility and mobility, I know I am going to need some grab rails by the shitter and the shower in the bathroom, got a buddy lined up to install when the time comes.
Edibles/smoke/scotch/rum/hydrocone/ibuprofen/DFO, within reasonable dosage limitations, should make this a tolerable experience.
Hope you changed the locks since you gave Hippo that spare key.
nobody remembers to lock they windows no MOAR ,, chuh chuh
I only know of this song because Tom Petty covered it, but I like her version better, especially since she’s the one that wrote it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37MX8LS_qTs
In money league, facing off in the last place “Toilet Bowl” game. Opponent is so checked out he left in Alshon Jeffery AND the Jest D/ST
You gotta love that split second hesitation whenever the Jets make a good play. Almost like they were completely unprepared and not sure exactly what to do.
“Have we got a service for you!”
-Pats video-taping team
Sharkbait has Crowder on his bench WOO!!
GOD DAMNIT
it woulda been insane for youse to play him
Was just gonna say, I’m not benching Kupp, Dhop or Hill.
TyMont time?
Nice throw
Has there ever been a song called Turgid Love Song?
(googles it)
No???
I AM WRITING THIS SONG!!!
CORRECTION! IT WRITES ITSELF!!!
/can’t be wrong
Like Silly Love Songs, but played by Slipknot.
If Jackson is really banged up, at what point do you pull him and give RG3 some first team reps?
You never know what may happen in the playoffs.
Probably about 10 minutes ago.
End of the 1st half.
Kinda why I took the under.
This is gonna get real ugly in a hurry. Imagine putting the Jets on in primetime and expecting anything else.
-Boeing executives titter nervously
LAMAR! just goes to Ludicrous speed at will.
Also, it doesn’t even look like he’s trying to run fast when he does it. A normal persons redline is his 4th Gear.
Lamar is the player we all want to grow up to be.
Isn’t sad that I was able to recognize former Bengals Domata Peko by his mane of hair.
You know, screw it. Are there any Ravens fans in the clubhouse? Can this fan refugee join your bandwagon for the reason of this season?
Fozz and TwBs as far as I can tell.
What’s the proper SHANK’HOR spelling when a guy is short on a sub-50 FG?
I think that’s just a lower-case doink
SHANK_HOR
Correct letter, but a comma instead? As in Shan,Khor?
“Judon” is what happens right before Ivanka takes a shower.
LAMAR! has the record, so Mike Vick doesn’t have a dog in this fight anymore.
That’s banner-worthy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IielmfKqi3Y
So I’m in my old league (25+ years) playing in the 3rd place game. (Schedule is goofy, whatever)
I have Ingram, opponent has LAMAR.
I am enjoying my sure-to-be-short-lived lead.
Mrs. Sharkbait has White Christmas on. Tapdancing with Danny fucking Kaye will produce more offense than anything the Jets can put together.
And that was the COMPETITIVE portion of the contest smgdh
Boo@external link blocking
At least you’ll never let me down, Cricket
Shhhh, they will hear you in Puerto Rico.
Which network displays the skill position players that are in the game? I like that.
Lamar Jackson is exciting to watch but he will NOT have a long career (see RGIII).
Nah, I trust Baltimore coaching staff to recognize when a player is healthy and when a player is hurting and is risking serious, career-threatening injury by continuing to play him.
(give Mike Shanahan the finger)
Lamar Jackson is actually so fast that he’s been able to minimize the number of big hits he’s taken.
Kinda wish he’d slide more, like on that play though. Just… not worth the 3 extra yards or whatever.
Okay, who put the Jets Defense on Rookie?
Jets ownership and coaching staff?
jets defense couldnt cover a rookie
I know it won’t happen, but as a lover of the upset, It would be kind of interesting to see the Jests surprise Ravens tonight like they did the Cowboys and the Raiders…
Pats lover trying to trick us all and failing badly. We see right through you.
Excitable white tight end is excited.
When I’m elected Evil Overlord for Life, if anyone forces a female sideline reporter to unzip their jacket halfway on a cold day night just for eye candy reasons, they will be instantly thrown into the Antarctic in their underwear like that alien was thrown out of a Rura Penthe in Star Trek VI.
NFL NETWORK PRESENTED BY AMAZON PRIME BROUGHT TO YOU BY AMAZON PRIME AND BUD LIGHT PLATINUM
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A CAR??
SWIPE RIGHT FOR YES.
SWIPE LEFT FOR NO.
How graphic of a snuff film will this game be?
You’re gonna get some Jets on you. It’s like a Gallagher show, but funny.
I can’t usually finish when I watch a snuff film unless I really BELIEVE they stop breathing.
Seems like that kid’s cheeks would Mutombo any food he tried to stick in his mouth.
Erin Andrews doing her best impression of the Pillsbury Doughgirl.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EIBENlC3KQw/TnLS_iATMPI/AAAAAAAAAZk/R5rPKWVbRhM/s1600/doughboy+5.jpg
I’d like to poke her tummy.
(I’m not good at sex.)
I’m not good at sex now but you should have seen me 20 years ago. Actually, if you forward me your home address, I could send you a few VHS tapes.
Dammit, I only have Betamax. Just describe everything. Slowly.
Use accents where applicable please.
My. Turgid. Appendage. It. Poked. Its. Way. Into. My. Lover’s. Love. Canal.
Is it really a sex tape if it’s just you jerkin’ it?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-010nGM1-A
How the hell did the jets get up to 5-8? I thought 3 wins was their ceiling
THE NFL TOILET IS CLOGGED THIS YEAR
..and that’s with a loss to Cincinnati. They could be 6-7!
“Unfrozen Caveman Quarterback is no longer afraid of ghosts?”
-Therapist
Baltimore D in FF, the under and Hollywood Brown to score because my opponent benched him and he deserves to hurt.
If i were a betting humanoid about 30 minutes ago, I would have put it all on Detroit tonight. 12 game losing streak, facing the same team two games in a row, they’re due!
BET IT ALL
You know, Lamar Jackson should be good at play action plays tonight because of the color of his jersey and his…
(DFO Mods raise BanHammer)
…superhuman speed.
(DFO Mods lowers BanHammer)
Has any team considered wearing football-coloured jerseys with football-coloured gloves?
Surprisingly, not the Browns.
Bill Belichik did work for the Browns once, right? Hmm.
Faced with the Sophie’s Choice of Ravens DEF or Patriots DEF (vs. Bengals), I’m taking the Ravens, cause it’ll give me a reason to pay attention to tonight’s game.
dont let all that video tape goto waste
You know the Bengals is the one who tattled on the Patriots right? I’m expecting a blowout basketball score.
I’m certain that Belichick is terrified of the Bengals offense and absolutely that he authorized this espionage because of his fear of Cincinnati.
I don’t know anything about this Brexit crap but if there was another Battle of Britain with real Spitfires and Heinkels and there were thousands of them in the air shooting the shit out of each other and people on the ground in Piccadilly are saying “Blimey!” and “Old chap!” and other crazy shit like that then maybe, just maybe, I might care. Hell, I’d even go watch that.
W. Churchill: “Is that the best the Huns have got?! ‘Tis but a noise maker.”
B. Johnson: “Out of the way! Let me in the Bomb Shelter!”
Watched an episode of Top Gear earlier today where Gerri Halliwell did a lap in some Euro car and her time was just under that of one Boris Johnson. Not sure how he rated a guest slot on that show back in 2004.
Like to start Robbie Anderson this week but Ravens matchup very risky for a thursday start gaah
tempting to start a jets player is like thinking of kissing the girl with cold sores
Other options?
plenty parker and westbrook both q but one should make it
Oh boy. I’d just stay away from Anderson and yeah, Parker is way too risky. Waiver wire? Darius Slayton?
Apparently one of the upsides of having herpes is that you can start browsing the herpes-only dating sites, which apparently are full of very attractive people. And you KNOW they are DTF.
better options than a jests dating site
According to Bovada, if you were to bet the Ravens straight up, a 5 dollar bet would net you…
Thirty eight cents.
Bet accordingly.
You think ramen is expensive? I’m guessing that the inexpensive things you like to put in your mouth are dryer lint, gravel, cat litter and Boxcar Charlie’s penis.
Hobo Willy is best willie.
And now, the latest installment of Redshirt’s Adventures at Work!!!!!!
Redshirt: “Excuse me, I cannot finish my assigned task. I need you to do this thing you’ve been doing for the past 10 years.”
Other Department Coworker: (goes on five minute rant why I shouldn’t ask them that question, how the process I’ve been following for 10 years to marked, tangible and profitable success is flawed and why I should feel stupid for doing it that way)
Redshirt: “Quick question. Do I report to you?”
Other Department Coworker: “No.”
Redshirt: “Does my supervisor report to you?”
Other Department Coworker: “No.”
Redshirt: “Does any of my supervisor’s supervisors report to you?”
Other Department Coworker: “No.”
Redshirt (Customer Service Voice): “Thank you for the valued suggestion. I will take it under advisement.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MayqOgrHo9I
Supervisor Who I’ve Never Heard Swear Before: “They’re a fucking idiot!”
Redshirt: “Yeah, I know.”
Redshirt at work, a dramatic re-creation:
I have a couple of gently used fleshlights owed to me for various DFO competitions. You want those?
Meanwhile in San Francisco….
Like anyone in California still has their soul.
Sympathies to Absolute Boys in these trying times.
Much like a large part of the United States, they seem comforted by the idea of retreating into their own over-idealized past.
It’s scary. I never saw this coming. I figured it was a redo of Brexit. Nope.
I’m not at all surprised, to be honest. I think they’re making a terrible mistake, but it’s their mistake to make, I guess.
I’m definitely looking forward to 6 months of having every centrist scream at me that we have to learn from it and abandon all progressive platforms, and probably getting labeled a bigot in the process.
Every time something bizarrely stupid and inexplicable like this happens, I start to feel like we are being manipulated by an intelligence that, while vastly superior to our own, is every bit as fucked up and petty. Kind of like the gods of Olympus.
Hell yes.